I think capitalism also runs our emotional lives (*mixed feelings* )

[Hippie_Happy_Girl]

Isn't it true that any given straight man cannot stop looking at a certain type of woman? She wears long nails, perfect make-up, straightened long hair, sexy fit clothes and high heels. They turn their heads even if she is not actually pretty just very much made-up... She truly is making an effort. All of that takes time and money. But it works - men turn their heads.

May them be teenage boys or loving husbands... isn't this true?

 

I think it is. And I think that starts the kind of competition amongst women that makes us hate each other so much.

Women are still viewed - and view themselves - as the beautiful gender, that has to act and behave a certain way, do some things, buy some things, wear some things, etc. Well: everybody can do it. I'm sure of that. Every damn girl our young woman knows what is generally expected from her but, from a certain point on, she can decide wether she will or will not conform to the norm. Sometimes we are brave enough not to care BUT, most of the times, we give 40%, 60% - 70% of us to fill up a little bit that measure - consciously knowing that PERFECTION (a perfect body, a perfect skin, a perfect outfit, etc...) takes time and money - and that 90% of effort on that would take us away the energy we need to be great students and professionals, and to achieve our own personal goals. Anyways, I think we care too much - because we are pressured at all times.

 

Myself, female, average-sized French, just turned 30... I always feel time is very little to manage to do everything I want. Simultaneously, every time I am single for a long time, I always end up falling in love with somebody and breaking up after 3/4 months because I cannot relate to that person and/or I need my space and to work on myself...

After a long celibacy phase, I have been dating with this guy (33) for 7 months now. He's pretty nice and sweet so we decided to move in together. His parents aprove of me very much.

But I am not sure if I relate at all with him or his family. I'm feeling very distant these days...

His parents already talk about us getting a home in their town, giving them grandchildren (he's an only son who has never had a girlfriend before) but I just feel like running away for a 3rd world country to become a digital nomad or a volunteer for human aid, or something...

 

More than ever, I feel stuck inside the NORM, do you know what I mean?

It seems contradictory but I DO feel stronger when I am alone, by myself. I pay my own bills, I work as a scriptwriter for a European TV channel, I am independent, I don't have to answer to nobody, I buy what I want, I eat when I want, etc...

 

I have many problems with this relationship.

And I suspect I would have the same if my man was any another man.

I always feel anxious, all the time, that I am not being the best girlfriend or the best cook or the prettiest I can be or the best lover... etc

I have extreme anxiety because what is important for me is truly is my career and the phD thesis I am finishing!

With so much on my plate (that was already there when he arrived), ain't nobody got time to be a successful student, a perfect housewife, perfectly fit, a distinguished career woman and also a fashionista with abs of steel.... It's IMPOSSIBLE to manage everything.

 

I truly think capitalism has undermined all possibilities of relationships. I think men and women today are in relationships but always looking around, through social media, comparing what they have to what they see, feeling unhappy and desiring something different - at all times. It takes a lot of conscious effort not to fall into the capitalist trap that rules everything.

 

I am not that perfectly polished glam fashionista - like his mother, who's rich and retired - is. I think that his idea of femininity is completely normative and it makes me feel both stuck and incompetent - even if I know I am excellent in my area and I gain way more money than he does (he barely works), for a long time now (in spite of being younger and a woman).

I honestly think I am way smarter than he is. And I sure got way more attitude towards life than this little rich boy, whose money comes not from work but from the assets of his wealthy background. Sure he treats me really nice but he is just a rich protected little boy, dependent on his parents for any move or decision.

I'm self-made. I am a go-getter. The daughter of Portuguese immigrants. My mother is a supermarket register and my father is a mechanic. I've been working since I'm 16. I had a seriously unhappy childhood: my father was a monster and there was domestic violence at all times. I always wanted to run away and flew away from there as soon as I became legally adult. I am now finishing my Phd, paying for my tuitions fees, rent, bills and general existence.

 

It may sound that I am cynical, that I'm even more of a capitalist than my boyfriend is but, while being in a relationship, I can't escape the feeling of being dragged by chores that will not get done unless I do them myself: I always have to plan meals, clean everyday, shop for groceries, think about things to do to escape the routine, have great lingerie and kinky sex, and be on time and properly dressed at those Sunday lunch meals with his family - that bore me to death. To be in a relationship nowadays is a freaking hell of a job and - in my opinion - a waste of time most of the days. It drags you down. But it sure is comfy, sometimes, to feel supported and to have some company...

Also, being practical, I know that if ever got married, my material life would improve very much.

 

The problem is... I feel weaker because, when I am in a relationship, I never feel enough. I know that he would like me to dress differently, more sexy (I am a boho chic / hippie gal ~ not a fashionista and rarely in high-heels, because my daily job is too practical for that).

Why should I compromise if I have been managing all the strings of my life pretty great until the day he arrived?

Why would I wear high-heels that would make me spend twice as much time walking somewhere? Or wear a cleavage that would make me hear dirty comments from my boss?

I sometimes love him. I sometimes despise him.

 

Besides his consumerism and his addiction to brands (a vice that I completely despise), besides his useless taste for expensive things that he buys with his parents' money, I also cannot relate to his lack of political activism of general reflection. He's just a blank page of vague ideas about justice but suffering of extreme apathy to express them or to actually change anything about his behavior - like most people, anyways.

 

BUT why would he? He's an heir. A son of the bourgeoisie. He doesn't know anything about life as life is, with his Phd in poetry in his hand and having lived at this parents' until he was 33 years, when he met me. He's not even talented enough to write his own stuff creatively. He's merely platonic in every sense - in the way he sees the world, in the way he consumes and spends money without caring about it, about the way he distantly contemplates the girls and the women, etc.

He's not particularly good looking - so girls never paid him much attention. We met online - maybe that's why all of this started and we are here, now. Sex is awful, I might add. He was a virgin at 33 when we met and he's has not been given much in terms of ... size - so I don't expect much in that department either.

 

Also, I am an activist for animal rights and ecology and also a vegan.

He is none, although is pretty decent and honest, in general, he truly is. A friend of his friend, for sure.

Also, we never fight. We get along pretty well and he helps out with some of the chores.

He respects my choices but I think there may be some problems in the long run....

 

Do you ever feel that you are better off alone, free from expectations?

Am I expecting extreme identification from him and being too pushy in my standards - while criticizing him from expecting me to look and act a certain way, too?

I think I love him but... am I falling out of love?

Is this my own excuse to get the hell out of this mess I got myself in just because I am needy and sometimes like the stability I never had - and he's got money, a family, traditions, etc... that I don't have anywhere else?

Edited March 3, 2019 by Hippie_Happy_Girl

[Els]

Not all men are attracted to heavily made up or sexily dressed women. They may look, but that doesn't mean they necessarily want to be with her. Same as I'd look at the unemployed surfer dude with the biceps and the 6 pack, but there's no way in hell I'd want him in my house or even in my bed.

 

 

 

Nor do all men expect a woman who works full time to do all the cooking and cleaning. Lots of men share household duties unless their partner is a housewife.

 

 

 

I think you just need a different boyfriend.

[pepperbird]

It could just be you haven't met the right person for you yet, or it's even possible you are someone who is better suited to being on your own. That doesn't mean "no romance", just that you won't get tied down. That way, you can feel free to explore the world and yourself, and find out what you need in your life.

[basil67]

The problem isn't capitalism. The problem is that you've settled for a lazy, entitled guy who you can't be yourself with.

[chillii]

If it's any consolation l love hippiechics ,the spirit, attitude, wayward thinkers, been the male version my whole life, bar the hippie look, love it on a girl but not as a guy.

lt's not all l like , l like all kinds of things , even the norm look too. But it is one of the ways l do really like. You just need a guy into the you and they're around don't worry.

But nah . unfortunately you have a real miss match in him , for you , and your inner arguing against who you truly are will just keep going until you explode one day, can see it's nearly there now.

lt's a shame for you , even though you don't marry the family it's the person you should always be interested in , still , it is nice to be excepted and liked by them all too right.

l've always been extreme myself , extreme to the norm anyway.

And yeah different comes at a price and you need to find your different in life and love.

l think you've gotta be open though, don't box up whom you think would be perfect for you because you could get a big surprise like l did lf you stay open.

But you still do need that fit that works with whom you are and what your about.

Edited March 3, 2019 by chillii

[alphamale]

are the women in communist countries less good looking?

[Mr. Lucky]

Do you ever feel that you are better off alone, free from expectations?

 

When you're with the right person, you'll gladly accept the burden of those expectations. Whether they're of fidelity, support, intimacy or engagement, they become bonds rather than restrictions. He'll be there for you in important ways, you'll gladly do the same for him.

 

I think you've conflated a number of issues having very little overlap. As has already been said, life's a lot simpler with better partner selection...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowboy91]

I feel as if you're overthinking this.

 

I'll start first by addressing your relationship. If you're finding it difficult to relate to him and there are aspects of his attitude and outlook on life (which may or may not result from his upbringing) which you find frustrating, then it's likely he's not the right person for you. And if he's expecting you to dress in expensive labels, look a certain way, and do all the shopping and cleaning it sounds like he wants a more "traditional" relationship and therefore you are not the right person for him. There are plenty of hippie/hipster guys out there who will treat you as an equal - remember that guys are individuals too and it's just a matter of finding the right one. Belonging to some group outside "mainstream" local culture (whether it be boho, hippie, or some ethnic or religious group, etc) always narrows the dating pool but it doesn't eliminate it entirely.

 

To address your more general point - I understand it's easy to get stuck inside this norm where you're expected to put in all this effort and money to have the "perfect" look in order to attract guys. And it's true that some of them will make some guy's heads turn - but the reality is that many will also be turned off due to the woman being perceived to be "high maintenance" (there was a thread on this not long ago). No matter your sense of style, you won't please everyone - no-one can. But just because you have an alternative look, and alternative view on life, it doesn't mean you're not attractive. The right guy will like it.

 

Edited to add:

 

Do you ever feel that you are better off alone, free from expectations?

 

The right relationship is better than being alone. But the wrong relationship is far worse than being alone. And what's "right" or "wrong" can change throughout your life. You'll find that light expectations are just part of a happy relationship - if you are already happy in it. But if those expectations are a drag on what you want to do in life, then you're only setting yourself up for more misery (for you both!) later on.

Edited March 3, 2019 by snowboy91

[edgygirl]

Gosh... I don’t even know where to start.

 

So I’ll start here. Despite all of his issues (or issues you have with him), it seems like you’re the one feeling inadequate. Believe me, I get the fight between being a rebel, feeling stuck inside a norm and doing what society expects of you. I’ve always been kind of a rebel but as you, I did all the right things, studied, did prestigious professional things and what society expects in a way. It can get tiring having the rebel inside all of the time. Sometimes I crave some normalcy and balance.

 

I feel you’re trying to hang on to some kind of tradition and the sense of normalcy that being around traditional wealthy people can bring to one’s life because you didn’t have that at home. But the question is - will you still be able to be yourself, and express yourself the way you prefer?

 

My sis married into such family. Despite coming from a very wealthy family her husband was always a go getter but that’s not always the norm - it’s almost expected that wealthy men feel things will just fall in place / on their lap. I will say my sis has the best marriage from the people I know and it’s been decades. She feels protected and taken care of in all senses.

 

I agree with the poster above - you’re also overthinking this. People don’t have to match in all ideologies and background. Do you want to date yourself?

 

It just feels that you see so many things wrong with him that honestly it’s hard to understand why you fell for him. Can you share the good things?

 

I am not that perfectly polished glam fashionista - like his mother, who's rich and retired - is. I think that his idea of femininity is completely normative and it makes me feel both stuck and incompetent - even if I know I am excellent in my area and I gain way more money than he does (he barely works), for a long time now (in spite of being younger and a woman).

 

Edited March 4, 2019 by edgygirl

[Hippie_Happy_Girl]

I think I overdid this. I also feel a bit ashamed for exposing all this. It was my first forum post ever.

 

We are all a fruit of our upbringing. I had to grow up way too soon - so I think he's adorable because he's really childish. He makes me laugh a lot. He tells funny jokes all the time and makes it feel lighter, for sure. As big cute eyes and a very calm voice and that soothes me a little. I surely think he is too immature, innocent and very incompetent in general - he wouldn't last for two weeks in a job if he ever had one. But... at the same time...

 

I also think ''against myself'', that is to say: I think that we shouldn't all be productive. That's what society tell us. We work because we need the money. And money is a vice. It's nice to spend it just because, as a revenge. In the end of the day, money is only paper with an imaginary value attached to it. Of course, I value the money because it's hard to earn but ... at the same time, I totally wish I didn't have to work as much as I do! I totally wish people could rely more on their families to be present in their lives - like his family is. I may be jealous in a way for having such a torn past. I don't speak to my parents for years.

 

Nobody cares about be as this lovely man does - and his family. And also, I may be resentful with him because of that exactly. This ''diabolizing'' of the other is my way to escape sooner even if I'm totally exaggerating this - and I know it.... I think my problems are rooted in my past....

 

I think I will never feel enough for any man because I wasnt enough for my family to like me - or care at all about my existence or well-being. They don't know if I'm good or bad, sick or healthy. They don't know where I live. They know ****. I think I am broken from the inside --- and, towards his family, although they make me feel very welcome, I have this rooted feeling that I don't belong. That I can't get attached to these people because they are not my real family - and, if I lose this man (because he goes for the sexy rich girl down the street),

 

I'll lose both a partner and an whole familiar frame set that I don't a substitute for. And that's so so painful, I don't think I could take it.

 

So YES, you're all right, all of you: Everything that os wrong is in my head. He doesn't seem to generally express any particular problem or criticism towards me. He even says that his mother tried to set him up with girls all his life but he just didn't care about any of them. He just felt that I was the one he wanted to date - and not any of the previous ones. I just notice that he looks at girls that have nothing in common with me.

 

And I don't want to look at the mirror and see a changed person - just to please somebody. That would kill the only thing I know I have and can count on - myself.

 

Does all of this make any sense?....

Edited March 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spiderowl]

It seems to me you are not happy with fitting in with what is considered 'normal' in society. Not everyone is. Maybe you are one of many people who have to find themselves and what they need/are prepared to give in a relationship. Some people just cannot 'fit in'. It sounds like you are struggling with expectations and desperate to be free in some way.

 

Capitalism does force people into certain moulds. Goods have to be sold and so 'ideals' are advertised and people are supposed to accept the ideals and try to emulate them (and buy the goods of course). It sounds like you think more deeply about politics than your partner. Can you be happy with someone who does not also think deeply about it?

 

More than anything, you seem to feel constrained. You need to think about what kind of person you really are and what you need from life. It may not be the situation you are in now. Of course it is not just about needs but about what you have to offer too. If you are resentful about what you giving at the moment, you are unlikely to be able to sustain that. Maybe you need a partner who wants what you want to give and vice versa.

[Mr. Lucky]

Nobody cares about be as this lovely man does - and his family. And also, I may be resentful with him because of that exactly. This ''diabolizing'' of the other is my way to escape sooner even if I'm totally exaggerating this - and I know it.... I think my problems are rooted in my past....

 

I think I will never feel enough for any man because I wasnt enough for my family to like me - or care at all about my existence or well-being. They don't know if I'm good or bad, sick or healthy. They don't know where I live. They know ****. I think I am broken from the inside --- and, towards his family, although they make me feel very welcome, I have this rooted feeling that I don't belong. That I can't get attached to these people because they are not my real family - and, if I lose this man (because he goes for the sexy rich girl down the street),

 

Hippie_Happy_Girl, what have you done to address this? IC? Research? It seems a shame to be so bound by the chains of the past. In some ways, you're your own worst enemy, almost as if you're intent on proving your family right. Seems past time to do the work to break this self-destructive cycle....

 

Mr. Lucky

[thefooloftheyear]

Couldn't read the whole thing, but it seems like the previous posters have given you good advice....PhD???... in poetry???? interesting.....

 

I can't imagine that something like capitalism is a valid excuse...Find someone more compatible...

 

TFY

[Els]

And if he's expecting you to dress in expensive labels, look a certain way, and do all the shopping and cleaning it sounds like he wants a more "traditional" relationship and therefore you are not the right person for him.

 

 

Dude isn't even that "traditional", if he has a PhD in poetry (is there even such a thing? surely it's called English Lit?) and barely works... Traditional men take pride in their careers and in being the provider, they don't expect their wife to split the bills while doing all the housework.

 

 

 

He just sounds like a spoiled momma's boy, IMO.

[littleblackheart]

I always feel time is very little to manage to do everything I want. Simultaneously, every time I am single for a long time, I always end up falling in love with somebody and breaking up after 3/4 months because I cannot relate to that person and/or I need my space and to work on myself...

After a long celibacy phase, I have been dating with this guy (33) for 7 months now. He's pretty nice and sweet so we decided to move in together. His parents aprove of me very much.

But I am not sure if I relate at all with him or his family. I'm feeling very distant these days...

 

So what you're saying is that you are reproducing a familiar pattern, even though you have managed to stay with this guy a little longer than the others before him.

 

It's a good thing that you've identified that pattern; you need to find a coping strategy to break that cycle for the next guy (it sounds like you've already detached from the current one). Do you keep dating the same 'types' of men?

[Stillgotit]

Your first long post questions capitalism, questions your boyfriend, questions his family, questions your family, and paints a bleak picture of a future with this guy, for all the above reasons.

Your second post questions your first post and points to some positives and the likelihood that you might question ANY relationship.

 

He's liking you (your hippyishness) so far. Rather than worrying about fitting in you some norm (his, his family's, his class), try keeping your hippyishness around him and his family. They may be OK with it, and maybe you'll be OK with it. Fewer questions.... more affirmations.

[MaleIntuition]

Woa...

 

Let’s slow down somewhat. First of all, why are you with this guy? You don’t respect him, it doesn’t sound like you are attracted to him and the few positives you’ve mentioned in your second post could easily be interpreted as negatives as well. That leaves us what? The money and the promise of an easier life? Yet it doesn’t sound like such a life would make you even remotely happy?

 

How/why did your other relationship end? Have you ever done professional therapy?