Can a couple with an avoidant and anxious attachments make it work?

[c1nderella]

I’ve been seeing a lot of comments on loveshack about different attachment styles showing up in the relationship especially in early stages of dating. I have been doing some research and even took a test to find out which I have (Anxious of course). I’m just wondering if this is possible. Maybe if the person with anxious attachment tries to be more secure would it work for the avoidant? Or is this type of relationship doomed?

 

I’ll appreciate any thoughts.

Edited March 4, 2019 by c1nderella

[Trail Blazer]

I’ve been seeing a lot of comments on loveshack about different attachment styles showing up in the relationship especially in early stages of dating. I have been doing some research and even took a test to find out which I have (Anxious of course). I’m just wondering if this is possible. Maybe if the person with anxious attachment tries to be more secure would it work for the avoidant? Or is this type of relationship doomed?

 

I’ll appreciate any thoughts.

If the two people care enough to make it work, it should. However, most people are too self-serving in their intentions when dating, so when the slightest difficulty arises they will retreat back to the smorgasbord of Tinder because of this modern pervasive attitude of "I deserve better."

[Rockett]

I agree, if they care enough to communicate with each other (or to learn how) to understand each others' differences, it can work. Seems like the gap between attachment styles would become too much if bad communication was thrown into the mix. Too much space for misunderstandings (and then anxiety) which can make the avoidant retreat...

[TooNis]

I agree' date=' if they care enough to communicate with each other (or to learn how) to understand each others' differences, it can work. Seems like the gap between attachment styles would become too much if bad communication was thrown into the mix. Too much space for misunderstandings (and then anxiety) which can make the avoidant retreat...[/quote']

 

This happened to me. We both had anxiety which I didn’t know I had at time till diagnosed till too late. My ex was going through something’s and needed little space which i didn’t understand and my anxiety kicked in full force pushing her away. I thought she’d fight for me more but didn’t and after months found out she had some other mental issues dealing with.

 

You have to be very careful and communicate. If no communication then that leads to bad results. It’s worst breakup ever had

[edgygirl]

Only if the avoidant is willing to work on it. Most are not.

 

Avoidant people MAKE anxious people anxious. It’s practically impossible to become secure when you’re dating an avoidant.

 

I’m prob fearful avoidant. So it means sometimes I’m anxious sometimes avoidant. I am clingy with avoidant partners. I become avoidant with clingy partners. They start to disgust me and I have to breakup. Happened a few times. But only now, in my 40s, I realize why it always happened.

 

Honestly I think only secure partners would work for me. The men I’ve had the longest relationships with were secure. They didn’t ignite neither the anxious nor the avoidant in me.

 

I went on one date with someone who seems secure. He’s busy with family this weekend and I couldn’t care less. His secure vibe doesn’t ignite my anxiety. It just feels completely different than dating an avoidant. I’m attracted to them but they’re the most difficult to deal with. I’d run unless they’re self aware and willing to work on themselves with therapy and whatever is needed.

Edited March 10, 2019 by edgygirl

[TooNis]

Only if the avoidant is willing to work on it. Most are not.

 

Avoidant people MAKE anxious people anxious. It’s practically impossible to become secure when you’re dating an avoidant.

 

I’m prob fearful avoidant. So it means sometimes I’m anxious sometimes avoidant. I am clingy with avoidant partners. I become avoidant with clingy partners. They start to disgust me and I have to breakup. Happened a few times. But only now, in my 40s, I realize why it always happened.

 

Honestly I think only secure partners would work for me. The men I’ve had the longest relationships with were secure. They didn’t ignite neither the anxious nor the avoidant in me.

 

I went on one date with someone who seems secure. He’s busy with family this weekend and I couldn’t care less. His secure vibe doesn’t ignite my anxiety. It just feels completely different than dating an avoidant. I’m attracted to them but they’re the most difficult to deal with. I’d run unless they’re self aware and willing to work on themselves with therapy and whatever is needed.

 

This so true. I was that secure person until out of blue after years I get hit with bad anxiety and had no idea what it was to make matters worse. I tried to explain what was happening but she didn’t want to talk about it and shut me out. She avoided me and our issue. After getting help from therapist I found out I actually had a medical issue which was causing my anxiety, memory and concentration issues among others. I had surgery to correct and felt I needed to tell her but she never responded. Mutual friend had mentioned to her, without my knowledge before, also I was having issue and she never even said anything to him. Both these were kind punch in gut like she never cared. Would understand more if had not been friends for so long before. But hey you live you learn and learn a lot about others when go through difficult times.

[toomanyquestions123]

That's a really important topic. Anxious people ignite the anxiety in me. Communication is for me the most important thing for two people to date healthily. As you know about the guy im dating now, his communication sucks and possibly things will not work out because of this. At the same time, I met someone on Linkedin that we have common work together, we talk everyday, he is consistent in his communication patterns, if he can't talk, he would text me and tell me he is busy. He is secure and he makes me feel secure and i dont wonder why he didn't talk to me for a whole day because he is consistent.

[c1nderella]

That's a really important topic. Anxious people ignite the anxiety in me. Communication is for me the most important thing for two people to date healthily. As you know about the guy im dating now, his communication sucks and possibly things will not work out because of this. At the same time, I met someone on Linkedin that we have common work together, we talk everyday, he is consistent in his communication patterns, if he can't talk, he would text me and tell me he is busy. He is secure and he makes me feel secure and i dont wonder why he didn't talk to me for a whole day because he is consistent.

 

I like that. He probably has a secure attachment and makes you feel secure. That’s such a good feeling. Getting anxious and wondering if you’ll hear from them again sucks.

 

The guy I’ve been posting about has been acting weird and distant for the last couple of weeks. Says he’s been “preoccupied” but that his feelings for me are mutual. But then goes back to ignoring me again and I havnt heard from him in a couple of days. I’ve decided not to reach out anymore and start seeing other people. Going on a date tomorrow evening with this guy I met on bumble ..he seems cool. We haven’t chit chat too much but I’m not worried about it right now since we have that date planned anyways. Don’t want to make the same mistakes as with the last guy. .

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Labels aside, just from a purely logical point of view,

The desire to be together must be stronger for the two.

If both people love each other and make it a point to address the quirks,

A relationship can be had for those two (or more, whatever), they can make it work.

 

Keep in mind, if one falters or fails to be consistent with their wants and needs,

If one fails to be communicative in this endeavor, or false with their beliefs,

Then both tend to get hurt in some way, the relationship then faces doom,

And for those that are not quick to recover, the days can be nothing but gloom.

[TooNis]

That's a really important topic. Anxious people ignite the anxiety in me. Communication is for me the most important thing for two people to date healthily. As you know about the guy im dating now, his communication sucks and possibly things will not work out because of this. At the same time, I met someone on Linkedin that we have common work together, we talk everyday, he is consistent in his communication patterns, if he can't talk, he would text me and tell me he is busy. He is secure and he makes me feel secure and i dont wonder why he didn't talk to me for a whole day because he is consistent.

 

Hard to compare someone your dating to someone your texting and talking to on LinkedIn if ask me. It’s easy not to give someone anxiety by that contact. If someone plays games and doesn’t text for days or tries that BS then I don’t have time for that. Now if your boyfriend does that then he not much of boyfriend. Even if it’s simple text seeing how doing that day it doesn’t take much effort. If not gonna take effort to do that what type of effort could you expect for relationship.

My ex all of sudden stopped return texts or would take hours to respond. Used to say good night every night and stopped. So I thought relationship was coming to end based on this. Come to find out she was having issues and I tried to understand and how I could help but wouldn’t really let me know. So I would try to figure out and ask how she was doing and wouldn’t answer. Then got mad for me asking. One of her reasons for ending it was I thought it was coming to end? Well no **** what did you want me to think but I tried to understand her point but she gave up when I wouldn’t give up. The hardest thing I have ever gone through was having relationship with long time friend that was going great till seemingly over night. Having relationship with someone with mental illness takes a lot of communication and work but when one side avoids it it is the end.

And not easy breakup when they can cut you off and not say another word.