Anette Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 brief intro: I am OW 34 y.o. MM is 45 y.o. and has 2 young children. We never talked about his wife or kids - I wouldn't bear it I've been in a mostly EA and also 2x physical for 6 months. MM seemed disinterested about my life and wherabouts in between our meetups so when we last hooked up I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't want me to get attached. He repeated it in a firm voice and said he hopes he made himself clear. Then for the rest of the night loads of TLC. I made a joke about how he should already use me for sex (that night) and he said he doesn't want me there for that. When we were parting he made a small remark about us meeting again and then I said 'pls don't call me again because I did get attached to you. I can't help it. Call me in 15 years' (I figured his kids will be grown up by then). He replied 'I'll make it 10 years' and I said 'OK, it's up to you' and left. NC since ( 4 days). I cried my eyes out. I don't want this to end. He won't reach out b/c I know he doesn't want to put his kids' home at risk. But I want him in my life so bad!!! Why can't we just continue to meet up like before? He gave me so much love that I needed and still need! PLEASE refrain from telling me to continue NC or how bad this A is for me. I ONLY want advice from people who can tell me how to stop NC (what to say) and how to convince him to continue the A. Did anyone of you do this before and can share your experience? Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 I know this isnt what you want, but NC is good for you. Dont pine away for a man who will never put you first. Everyone deserves to have someone who loves them equally. Who prioritizes you. You wont find happiness with this man. He is doing you a favor. You may not recognize it right now, but for once, a MM is honest. And maybe he just is tired of you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 RUN!!!! He is an expert in affairs. He knows all about womens emotional attachments. Hes clearly telling you not to fall in love with him because he is incapable of falling in love with you?? What will u gain by staying in this affair?? Fake love?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Saying you only want advice from people who will tell you what you want to hear is not a wise move. But you break the silence by pick up the phone & tell him you were wrong & that you miss him. He'll probably come back if the sex was good. He may not because he already knows you caught feelings & he wants no part of that. For your sake, I hope he declines. But if he does take you up on your offer for sex, what does that get you? You already said you are attached & he's already told you he will never leave his wife for you. When she finds out about you she will dump his cheating ass but he still won't pick you because then you will be the symbol of why his marriage broke up. (Yes, I know his cheating & lying will have got him thrown out but he will still blame you.) This is a no win situation for you. Stay broken up because the small hurt now will free you up to meet an available man to date & build a life with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 It’s simple - just contact him again. How is that complicated? If you insist on being with a man who obviously doesn’t love you, then pick up the phone, call or text him, or go to his office and make a scene. Then spend the next 10-15 years wasting away your life on a man who’s never going to leave his marriage. He’s not leaving in 10 years. He’s not waiting for the kids to grow up. He’s there for the remainder of his life. You crying your heart out over an unavailable guy doesn’t make it right or meant to be. You’re the one who’s suffering here. He’s at home cuddling with his wife and playing with his kids. However, he enjoys sex on the side and he knows you’ll contact him again. He’s just waiting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 If he misses you he will contact you. If he is still interested in you, he will contact. You do not need to think of how to break NC - he himself will do that if he's still interested in you. If he didn't break it then it just means he's not interested in you that much. There are MM who put a bit more effort not to make their OW miss them too much... this one doesn't look like that though. So if you want to keep in a relationship with a man who doesn't have that much feelings for you, then just send him a message " I miss you " - if he still didn't reply after that, then forget him unless you are willing to beg. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 He has flat out told you that he is just using you for sex. What is there to love about that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Yeah breaking NC is a simple as saying I miss you, joking that you were "just kidding!", or asking "has it been 10 years yet??" Whatever. That is the easy part. But I think what you are really asking is how to make him "want to continue the affair". And that my dear is what you have no control over, which is what brought things to NC to begin with. You can't make him want to be with you. Sometimes we need to accept the things we cannot change. (easy for me to say, but harder for me to act upon!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I've been in a mostly EA and also 2x physical for 6 months. MM seemed disinterested about my life and wherabouts in between our meetups so when we last hooked up I confronted him about it and he said he doesn't want me to get attached. He repeated it in a firm voice and said he hopes he made himself clear. Then for the rest of the night loads of TLC. I made a joke about how he should already use me for sex (that night) and he said he doesn't want me there for that. So, if he doesn't want you for emotional attachment and he doesn't want you for sex, what exactly does he want you for? Just wondering... maybe you can hold on to that question and when the emotional part of your brain goes into low gear in a day or two you can ponder it with the rational part. I think you're being snowed. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Well what's so hard about breaking no contact? Just call him. Then promise him you will never make any demands or interfere in his married life in any way. Let him know he can just use you for sex at his convenience. He will probably jump at the offer and then you can settle in as the OW and accept the hell that comes with that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 If this guy was single and showing such disinterest in you and your life, would you still date him? If your answer is NO, then ASK yourself why on earth you're hanging onto a man, let alone a MM, who is only after one thing from you. This affair with him is going no where. He more or less has told you he's using you and shouldn't get attached to him. Find some self love and self esteem, please end it before you get deeply hurt. You deserve better!! We never talked about his wife or kids - I wouldn't bear it But they DO exist. He has a whole life with his wife and kids. They spend holidays together, celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. They are living "life" as a couple, as a family unit. Please keep that in mind. They exist. Pretending they don't because it's too upsetting for you isn't doing you any good. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Erm, just text or call him? It's not that hard. But if he doesn't want you for sex and he doesn't want you to get attached, and is generally disinterested in your life, was it even an affair? What does he want you for? It sounds like a one night stand(s). Is that what you really want? To be his regular/semi-regular booty call? It does also seem like he has set his boundaries and does not want to put his kid's home at risk. He has set the expectations up front and actually even made an emphasis of it. I think you should just let him go and find someone who is available to love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 He told you he didnt want you to get attached. He felt you get attached, he went away. What he wants is some emotionless fling when he is away. You couldnt keep it there. Attachment= risk to his family. Those who get attached are more likely to blow up his world. He doesnt want this, thus you have been discarded. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) What is so wrong in your life that you would willing to hurt another woman and her children in this way and settle for so little... He is not available to you. There is a boundary there that you need to respect. Edited March 5, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 In 10 years he'll be 55, he'll be settled with a nice house, a loving family, a pet or two, friendly neighbours. He will be the typical family man, kids going to college maybe. A good job and a nice retirement pot. NO way he is giving up all that for you, get real. He has too much to lose, that is why they say MM never leave. He wants sex and you give it to him. What's not to like from his POV, but he is not going to mess up is entire family for you, that he made very clear. If you want to keep him, be the good little OW. Give him NSA sex and never complain and never want "more" from him. MM hate when OWs want "more". He has defined his terms, take it or leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 The 10 year comment seems pretty insulting, imo. Like maybe in 10 years I'll want you enough? Ummmm.... no. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 The 10 year comment seems pretty insulting, imo. Like maybe in 10 years I'll want you enough? Ummmm.... no. No, in 10 years he will have enjoyed his family life, watched his children grow up, been the good family man... Except in reality, in 10 years he will not want to leave because of the grandchildren, and he will not be able to financially leave unless he is willing to part with half his wealth and start all over again... And in 10 years, he will be older, less interested in sex, possibly dealing with his own health issues... not quite so exciting to a woman in the prime of her life. As Elaine said, the 10 years comment is meant to put you in your place and let’s you know what you can expect. This man will chose his wife and family all. day. long. Don’t expect anything more. Continue to engage with him with your eyes wide open... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 PLEASE refrain from telling me to continue NC or how bad this A is for me. I ONLY want advice from people who can tell me how to stop NC (what to say) and how to convince him to continue the A. Did anyone of you do this before and can share your experience? To stop NC is easy. Just text or pick up the phone and say "I've changed my mind and want to be available for you to have sex with me when it's convenient for you and I promise if I get attached I will keep it to myself and stay in my place." I'm sure that statement will bring him back to you. BTW he's never going to leave his wife. Even after the kids leave the house. Never. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Anette Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 Is this possible? I'm a 34 y.o. single OW and he's 45 y.o. MM with 2 small children. We have been having a LDA for 6 mths and slept together twice. Last time he said he didn't want me to get attached. So I know he's never going to leave his wife. But he's so important to me and I really want him in my life. I tried to cut all connections before but it was too painful. Is it possible to become just friends now? So see each other when we can but no more sex? Link to post Share on other sites
bmh Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 You would still be in an affair. What is your end game here? If you wish to never cease contact, you will just have to accept things for how they are. Which is forever the other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 No. All this will do is keep you into him and prevent you from ever finding someone else to fall in love with. He has told you he isn't leaving his wife and doesn't want you to get too attached to him. You're only hurting yourself in the long run by having him in your life now. Sure it may feel great but you're friends with someone you can never have. Doubtful you'll do this (end it with him completely) because you don't want to but I do hope you find the strength and wisdom to realize that it really is pointless to hang onto someone who is unavailable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 To what end? He told you not to get attached to him so what kind of a friendship would that be? Adult men rarely want female friends, as a) many have little in common with women bar sex or the hope of sex and b) female friends tend to mess up their primary relationships. His wife is not going to want to be bosom buddies with you is she? No, you are going to sneak around behind her back and hope you can steal her man.... that is the reality. As he has small children and he has told you he is going nowhere then the best you can do for him, his family and yourself is to butt out and go find an unattached man to fill you days with... you will be a whole lot happier in the long run. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 I had a short fling with a MM coworker I occasionally see at work and sometimes alone with. I too married. I fell so hard for him, got myself too attached, I had to work so hard for over a year to get over it, I was crazy about him. I struggled for so long with the heartbreak of it all. We both knew things went to far with us at the time, I don’t think we were thinking rationally at the time as we were both in the fog and afterwards we realized we can’t let it happen again. We’ll we have managed to get things back to normal with both of us and be friends, when we see each other, we laugh and joke, maybe flirt a little sometimes, but I know in my heart him and I are good with each other and that means alot to me. We made it work, I learned from the experience big time and I will never put myself in that place again. I’m just glad him and I can be friends/coworkers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 I really want him in my life. I tried to cut all connections before but it was too painful. Is it possible to become just friends now? So see each other when we can but no more sex? In other words, you want to continue the emotional affair without the sex. No, you can not be friends... for particularly the reason you have previously stated, you want more. Besides, married men don’t have “friends” like this... for exactly the reasons previously mentioned - their wives don’t generally like it and they usually want sex, not friendship, from a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 Yes, it is possible. Whether it would actually work for you remains to be seen. It may not be easy for either of you, and would you be able to face his wife as his friend? I've been in and out of a FWB scenario that turned into a polyamorous relationship for a while. When she meets someone and wants to pursue a relationship, we return to just friends. The only difference from your situation is that my wife is okay with this, and we are all friends. You would have to choose to never again pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with him, and vice versa. Possible - but not easy, perhaps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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