Hardcore Loner, is OK?

[skipper green]

Hubby and I both are loners that found each other. I know it doesn't seem to make sense that 2 people together are loners, but it works for us. Its like the "honeymoon period" that just hasn't gone away. Even before our son was born, we never went out, we would rather be at home and play video games together and cook and have sex. Now its computer games cooking and sex after the kid goes to sleep:) ! We have dreamed of living off the grid, but until the internet via satelite is easier and cheaper, hubby couldn't hang!

 

So this couple wants to join the loner club!

 

Welcome to the club. You're lucky to be very compatible with each other. My girlfriends were always eager to go out more, not the home-body types.

[Gold Pile]

And no Gold Diggers?

 

So far, sex and business greed have kept me from hightailing it to the woods.

At this point in life, I could walk away from the biz world, but not the sex.

 

But the day will come. In my twenties I would explode if I went long w/out sex. In my late thirties I found I wouldn't explode. Now I find that I've often gone months without. I expect someday I'll be old enough to walk away from it altogether.

[Apathetic]

Im a loner,was diagnosed with Social anxiety/Social phobia...prefer to do everything alone,could care less to speak to people and when I HAVE to I always make it short..cant stand to be around people.Would rather stay in my house for a long time and not talk to anyone.Although this is how I feel the majority of the time,I do get into my moods where I get lonely & would prefer people around me-but that is very rare.I do go out & have had many relationships but if given the choice to move up into the mountains or the woods with no people around,id pick that:)

[Basic]

Im a loner,was diagnosed with Social anxiety/Social phobia...prefer to do everything alone,could care less to speak to people and when I HAVE to I always make it short..cant stand to be around people.Would rather stay in my house for a long time and not talk to anyone.Although this is how I feel the majority of the time,I do get into my moods where I get lonely & would prefer people around me-but that is very rare.I do go out & have had many relationships but if given the choice to move up into the mountains or the woods with no people around,id pick that:)

Hi APA, not sure where the line between normal loner and phobia is.

What do the doctors say about the idea of you being alone? is it good or bad for you?

Is there any reason you can't go moutain? With me it's employment.

I will return to the backwoods someday.

[Yamaha]

I find it curious that you so-called loners are being very social with each other. Wouldn't you rather be alone?

[Albania rocks]

I find it curious that you so-called loners are being very social with each other. Wouldn't you rather be alone?

 

Your joke is a simple one. I'm sure it occurred to everyone who read the thread.

Wild avatar by the way.

[Apathetic]

Hi APA, not sure where the line between normal loner and phobia is.

What do the doctors say about the idea of you being alone? is it good or bad for you?

Is there any reason you can't go moutain? With me it's employment.

I will return to the backwoods someday.

 

The doctors have said that theres both positive & negative to being alone and liking it.I think the phobia issue & me preferring to be alone are two different things.Ive been on medication for the anxiety & depression and it has helped me alot,I used to never be able to go into a store or make a phone call among other things without massive anxiety,even though that has changed I still have the social anxiety in other area's & am not sure that it will ever go away.

Also,its just not possible for me to go up into the mountains,dont think that will ever happen,although my next move will be out of NY and somewhere rural,more country like.

 

And Yamaha..for me,talking to ppl online is totally different from being around them in person..I can talk to ppl on here and not mind,just as long as there is no 'face to face' situations..If it was up to me,I would rather talk to ppl through online than in real life-no people around me,the better..

[CurvyGurl]

Boyfriend is a bit of a loner. He keeps everything at arms length, including me. It's frustrating.

 

We ended up breaking up. THere is no sense in dating if you dont want to be social with people. It ends up just being hurtful for the woman. Just be alone all by yourself, don't drag other people into it.

[Gold Pile]

We ended up breaking up. THere is no sense in dating if you dont want to be social with people. It ends up just being hurtful for the woman. Just be alone all by yourself, don't drag other people into it.

 

Sorry to hear it CG. If you were both happy to be alone with each other (only) then you would be ideal dating partners.

 

One group of people needs lots of social stimulation, no matter how superficial.

Another group needs moderate social.

 

Another needs very little.

 

I don't think dating outside the group you're in will work out.

[Basic]

I'm working on my semi retreat from the big world.

 

http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/houses.htm#

 

A tiny, very tiny house is cheaper to buy and heat-cool.

 

I can tele commute. Phone service will be my biggest monthly utility.

 

I have the land, a big spread in the sticks. Zoning and building codes not a problem. I just need a permit to build a home in general- No codes.

 

Plenty of land (mine and public owned) to harvest fire wood from.

 

 

PS: sorry Curvy, maybe you'll have to stick with non loners. Still hurts I'm sure, but you'll get over it, trust me.

[Skipper Green]

Nice little places, well some of them anyway.

The main reason I won't live in an RV is that wood heat isn't an option.

 

Maybe one of these houses and a tool shed would fit the ticket.

 

welcome friskywife

[Basic]

The final plan is shaping up. It's inspired by the homes in the other link, but not that exact design.

 

The kitchen, with side by side washer dryer, sink, refrig, microwave, and space for an oven. (if I decide to get one). The room is 8' X8'.

A lite weight counter top will set ontop of washer dryer when not in use. Plenty of shelves and cabinets above.

The kitchen is not eat in, but a pass thru leads to small 2 chair counter top in living room.

 

The bath room is 7' X 8'. toilet, tub, sink, mirror. A little storage under sink and some very high storage on one wall.

 

The living room is 12' x 10'. The North wall has several large cabinets (the kind you could stand inside of) One cabinet is a false font hiding a fold down bed (smaller than twin size). This bed is for spare or if I get tired of going upstairs. The south facing wall has lots of windows. The room will have a wood stove. I'm planning /pricing a spiral stair case, as I think going up and down a ladder to loft bedroom will get old.

 

Big enough for a sofa, one end table, coffee table, and a recliner.

The remaining corner will have my computer set-up.

 

The loft bedroom loses much space to sloped roof. But it still has a queen bed, small dresser. Very small closet, and no end tables, but a wall sconce light. 2 high shelfs over headboard. Many open and doored shelves at far end wall.

 

The kitchen has a pocket door to shut in appliance sounds to rest of house.

 

I'm debating the garage now. It opens up a world of unheated space if I want to. I'll need a shed for sure.

[sylviaguardian]

We ended up breaking up. THere is no sense in dating if you dont want to be social with people. It ends up just being hurtful for the woman. Just be alone all by yourself, don't drag other people into it.

 

This reminds of a quote by a famous psychologist about people who keep others at arms length. It goes something like: "Avoidant people are generally not as affected by loss as others are, but oh, what a price there is to pay". The price is not paid by them though, but by the people who love them.

[Becoming]

Do you think that, barring actual mental disorder, you were just born this way? Or is it the result of having relationships be so painful that you just want to avoid them?

 

When my daughter was in preschool, I'd ask her if she had a good day, and one time she said, "No. Everybody wanted to play with me." She simply likes to be alone. Always has. She's not anti-social or weird. She wants to live in a cabin in the woods with five dogs when she grows up.

 

Maybe some folks' nervous systems just can't take all the jingle jangle of modern social life.

 

I like to spend lots of time alone as well, in nature. But I have my limits. I can only stand myself for so long before I want human contact. I'm in a profession where I get paid to be alone and think (how great is that for a loner?). I married someone who also requires time alone.

 

If you find someone in your group, as someone else above said, a person who understands that you need to be alone because he/she does too, it's really good. But I think that fundamental temperamental compatibility has to be there. If aloneness is the result of having been so damaged from other relationships, when you find another loner you can trust to be with, you can find all that longing for another to come rushing out and confuse the non-damaged loner and thus reinforce the damage that keeps you miserably alone. (Does this make sense?)

 

But there are women who would love to be left alone to do their thing except for sex as well. May you find one in your future. You can even buy enough land that you can sell her some and each have your own home. Why not?

[mental_traveller]

I'm no kid, I lived this way a long time. I have explored being more social. Had a GF, she and I both worked long hours. She worked to pay from school, I worked to keep my time with her restricted.

 

I liked her, liked the sex, liked the cuddling even. But that's as far as I wanted to go.

 

Friends of same and opposite sex, I had a few, but only wanted to see them now and then for a quick drink.

 

Had a traveling job once, I liked it because everyone I met stayed a stranger.

 

My point is I tried other ways, but I naturally find comfort in solitude.

 

I'm a rare bird, but not the only one. Are any of you loners? Or anyone know one very well (if that's possible).

Not talking about bitter old people who hate being alone.

 

I wonder how far to take this thing. I still function in civilization, but wonder about retreating to the wilds.

 

My long time employer is downsizing, with golden handshakes galore.

I'll be 50 soon and lucky enough to retire. So my major reason (survival) for staying in town will be gone.

 

 

Yes I have a similar outlook. I enjoy socialising the most when I'm on my own in some place I've not been, just striking up conversations with strangers, or perhaps reading a good book in a good bar with a pint of good beer. I work alone and don't like having neighbours. I go out quite a bit, usually 2 or 3 times a week, but it's with a handful of good friends, not a large crowd. I have very little interest in families or settling down. I tend to move around every couple of years, and rarely spend more than 5 years on any one field of work. My main career goal is to accumulate sufficient money to invest and get a reasonable income stream so I can stop work and just pursue my interests for non-material reasons whilst living a frugal life. Before I bought my house, I looked seriously at purchasing an isolated refurbished Medieval keep (basically a military cut-down castle and cheaper than a typical small house) in a remote part of Scotland, but I thought this might be going a bit far (and now I kind of regret not doing it). My more practical choice has usually been to get an anonymous apartment in a large block in the centre of a large metropolis - it's quite easy to stay "hidden" in such a place. I like the idea of backwoods living, but if I'm honest I'm not practical enough to survive properly in that fashion.

 

I've always liked the phrase "lone wolf" and think it sums up my perspective quite well. Finding a woman with a similar outlook, or simply a tolerance for it, can be rather tricky. Usually they like the adventure but see it as a challenge to change you and tie you down, at which point it's only a matter of time before you split and move on. I'd only really settle down with someone who had a similar philosophy, we'd know when to leave each other alone, and not moan if the other wanted to take 3 months off to sail in the Antarctic or write a book or something. Any she-wolfs out there?

[lindya]

I'd only really settle down with someone who had a similar philosophy, we'd know when to leave each other alone, and not moan if the other wanted to take 3 months off to sail in the Antarctic or write a book or something. Any she-wolfs out there?

 

Haha. There must be lots of us.

 

I had a discussion about this with my ex when we were still together. Both of us were people who liked a lot of our own space, and his view was that we should eventually get married but keep separate homes so that we could go off and be alone as and when we felt like it.

 

It's a very tempting philosophy, but ultimately I felt that it was akin to picking all the chocolate chips out of the ice cream and throwing the rest away. I think a couple grow best as a team when they learn to work through difficulties together rather than just avoiding them with a series of separations. The sort of set-up my ex mooted could make a very nice arrangement for both parties, but I'm not sure how much of a true partnership it would be.

[Becoming]

But to a lone she-wolf, what your ex proposed makes great sense. You're just not a she-wolf, L! You want something different.

 

What I guess I don't understand is why a lone wolf would want a long-term relationship at all instead of a series of sexual encounters. Is it possible to have sex with the same person over time and not have some expectations of an interwoven life to some degree? It just seems like the partners would have to agree about the degree of interwovenness.

[lindya]

But to a lone she-wolf, what your ex proposed makes great sense. You're just not a she-wolf, L! You want something different.

 

Not if you knew him, B. What he really wanted was a faithful little pet who would play the game exactly by his rules, and dress up as a she wolf so that he could kid himself that they were her rules too.

 

Had he not been that sort of person, the living apart relationship might well have been an option.

[Lonely nice guy]

I have been living alone for a long time, 15 of my 40 years. It's the only way I know how to live. But I do get lonely sometimes. I go through phases. But because I have been alone for so long, I probably don't have the social skills to meet people. I don't have a large circle of friends.

 

I am headed toward growing old alone forever. I am not sure I want this to happen, but it seems inevitable now. Do you want to grow old alone?

[JS17]

What I guess I don't understand is why a lone wolf would want a long-term relationship at all instead of a series of sexual encounters.

I think there is a good portion of the lone wolves don't want to be alone. People shut out the world and close themselves off for all different reasons.

[Hellfire]

Im a loner to. Just as major as you are.

 

Im 16 by the way.

 

I dont usually like to talk on the phone, nor go to many places with my friends. I like to see them ocasionally, and then I like to sit inside, and browse stuff on the computer, play video games, or just watch tv.

 

 

I do like talking to people on the computer more though, but im thinking my loner issues come from me being really self concious, and my paranoid issues (which were caused in middle school.)

 

Also I would say it's fine to a loner at 50 years young. You just want to settle down, and be by yourself.

 

Nothing wrong with that. Go you!!!

[Becoming]

I'd prefer being alone than in any controlling relationship. I guess for me the question is why you prefer being alone. Is it truly temperamental, an inability to trust another intimately because of past experiences, a combo of both, or what? I think that's key for me.

[justagirliegirl]

The bf and I are pretty much hermits.

 

To the outside world we are quiet and distant.

 

If you were to see us together you would think we are very social party animals. We don't share intimate details of our lives with anyone but each other.

 

He was commenting the other day when he was here how much fun we have just sitting around doing nothing together or surfing the net and messing with our computers and watching dvds.

[eternal_optimist]

Hubby and I both are loners that found each other. I know it doesn't seem to make sense that 2 people together are loners, but it works for us. Its like the "honeymoon period" that just hasn't gone away. Even before our son was born, we never went out, we would rather be at home and play video games together and cook and have sex. Now its computer games cooking and sex after the kid goes to sleep:) ! We have dreamed of living off the grid, but until the internet via satelite is easier and cheaper, hubby couldn't hang!

 

So this couple wants to join the loner club!

 

This sounds like paradise! Being loners, how did the two of you find each other? This post made my day:laugh:

[Serene1]

What an excellent thread!

 

An observation I made while reading through the posts, was that most here (but not all) seem to be of the childfree mindset as well.

 

I chose to be childfree in my early 20's, and that alone set me apart from my peers. I also had different perspectives and interests from the usual teen.

 

Hubby and I bought our house in the country 10 years ago, and couldn't be happier. It fronts onto a main road and traffic noise is a minor concern. But the back yard is private (if I wanted to hang the washing out in the nude - no problems).

 

I'm the first to admit that I just dont have any friends and hubby is the same (we were both destroyed when his best friend suicided 5 years ago). We both have our 'me' time when he goes fishing for days at a time. He happily admits to enjoying the solitude and tranquility.

 

I personally find the materialism and commercialism of the modern world disgusting. The society seems to be about me, me, me and buy lots of 'stuff' and I want, I want. I buy myself a new dress to wear for Christmas and other clothes as I need them when the others have worn out.

 

No-one seems to know the meaning of the word contentment anymore, and is always striving for the bigger, better, latest, hi-tech whatever.

 

Hubby and I both enjoy being together, alone (with our border collie) soaking up the birdlife, the blue sky, the stars at night - just general tranquility.