Is he stressed/angry/gone?? Need to understand what's going on!

[LinaLiLi]

Hi, everyone!

I'm totally at a loss about my long-distance partner's recent behavior. We're both in our late 30s, and we were planning to finally meet his parents and also move in together this year. We were to meet his parents in February, but then something happened all of a sudden.

 

 

I visited my man as usual in mid January. The next day after my return he didn't text me as usual. I texted him and he replied that he got sick (throwing up, feeling cold/hot). I tried to find out what happened, but he was very dry in his replies and asked not to ask too many questions. I said I won't ask, just wished him to take rest and get well. For the next few days I just wrote him "Hi, how are you" messages, he was very dry and cold in replying.

A week later, I happened to talk to his sister, but didn't mention anything about him, just spoke about her family and other petty stuff, but he found out and totally freaked out! He called me yelling why I talked to his sister and then hanged up and sent me a message saying he wants to stay alone from now on and asked me not to call him again. And blocked me!

I was so shocked with this blocking that I booked a flight straightaway and went to see him. He got even more furious and was shouting that I came only to spy on him and check if he's with another woman. After a while, he calmed down and told me that he's got bad time these days about his business. He apparently got a letter saying he's got some debts, and also there's tax investigation going on, and he needs to deal with all this somehow.

This sounded pretty logical to me, although I knew before about this tax problem and he never avoided talking about it, though it was stressful for him.

I returned home after this talk and I was hoping we could communicate as usual, since we cleared the situation. But he remained silent, and I ended up texting him once-twice a week for the next 2 weeks, but his replies still were just "Hi I'm still alive thanks"...

Finally, when I asked him one of those times if he's being silent because he still needs to solve things, he flooded me with statements which I could barely understand. It went like this: "I don't want to answer to anyone. I'm old enough, I don't want anyone to control me. I need my time, ok. I'm not supposed to answer to anyone. I want to stay alone myself I don't need any help or care. I'm old enough. I'm old enough. I'M OLD ENOUGH, OK. It's my life to live, I want to do anything I want. Everyone has to know this, I'm old enough to find my way. I don't want to hear anything from anyone". To which I could only reply "Take your time, dear, hugs".

It's been more than 3 weeks since then... and no news... I'm at a loss about what to do in this situation.

Last week, I sent him some music from Youtube, but he didn't react to it in any way...

Now what I would like to ask members of this forum - do you think he's still mad at me for my talk to his sister and coming over to see him? He's never ever shouted at me before, we haven't had any fight in more than 2 years of our relationship (we used to communicate daily, and meet every 1-1,5 months).

Can this be a kind of "normal" reaction you can get from someone who is under much stress? Is it about stress or depression or might he have some psycho issues or got a breakdown? He's a bit quick-tempered person in general, but I haven't notice anything wrong, just him worried about his tax issue for the last few months...

Should I just keep waiting or try sending him some message even though he declared he doesn't want to hear from anyone and ignored my latest sms?

[Artdeco]

Don't send anything at this point. You've put yourself out there way too much already. He knows you're there, believe me. And he stated his message loud and clear. He wants to be left alone. At least for now.

 

How long have you been dating, and how far is the distance?

 

It's definitely odd that now he's blaming the tax issue and the stress that comes with it, when in the past he used to involve you and share his thoughts with you. However, there is no way for you right now to get the "real" reason. He just doesn't want to talk, and he feels uncomfortable with you talking to his sister, which is kind of a red flag, if you had a good relationship with her in the past. Looks like he wants to "reverse" the relationship between you and his family. TBH, the real reason for his behavior might be something totally unrelated to his financial problems. Maybe he is getting cold feet about you meeting his parents, moving in together, marriage, ........ I am sorry. You will find out sooner or later. But the more you push, the more he seems to resist.

Edited March 4, 2019 by Artdeco

[LinaLiLi]

We've been in a relationship for over 2 years now. Distance is around 3 hrs by flight.

 

His family have always been friendly and kind with me, I also spoke to his mother but over the phone, and we were planning to meet last month, but...:( I'm afraid it can really be the reason that he got scared about marriage and the stuff, although it was his first move to start planning about moving in and meeting parents. I didn't push him myself, but maybe he got scared anyway??

Edited March 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Mr. Lucky]

Should I just keep waiting or try sending him some message even though he declared he doesn't want to hear from anyone and ignored my latest sms?

 

I'd reach out to his family with a general overview of what's occurred and a simple request to monitor his welfare.

 

Taking your post at face value, it could be anything from a nervous breakdown or mental disorder caused by stress and anxiety to drug use and resulting paranoia. You should maintain your distance but encourage them to get involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LinaLiLi]

What is worrying me is his reaction to my chat with his sister. You can't normally expect someone to absolutely freak out merely at finding out your woman was chatting to your sister? And to freak out to such a degree as to block her? If he got scared about getting married, perhaps there was a way to say this without yelling and blocking...

Edited March 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[basil67]

My first reaction to reading this is that he's seeing someone else. I don't know if my gut is right and I don't know if he will come good again. But if I were you, I'd treat this as a dealbreaker. Do you really want a man who behaves in such a manner when there are problems?

[Mr. Lucky]

What is worrying me is his reaction to my chat with his sister. You can't normally expect someone to absolutely freak out merely at finding out your woman was chatting to your sister? And to freak out to such a degree as to block her?

 

His reaction is irrational and disproportionate, again possible signs of issues he might be having. I think you should worry less about his response and more about his well-being...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Should I just keep waiting or try sending him some message even though he declared he doesn't want to hear from anyone and ignored my latest sms?

 

Don't be at a loss. Dump him and forget about him. The way he treated you is unacceptable! This isn't a "normal" reaction to expect from a loving partner. No matter what happens in life, you don't treat your partner like crap. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you need someone else. Even if he is under stress, that's no way to behave. What's gonna happen when other stresses happen? Is he gonna lock you out the house and block you?

Edited March 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[LinaLiLi]

Has anyone been in a situation when his bf/gf didn't talk for several weeks or even more? Did they reach out to you themselves after that? Did you do anything in the meanwhile, eg texting once in a while?

 

When he texted me "I don't want to hear anything from anyone, I want to stay myself, I don't need anyone help or care", it really scared me as this might be the last message I ever will get from him. I miss him lots and it's terrible thing not to be able to reach out to him... (((((

[preraph]

Good grief. What does someone have to do to get you to back off? I just think that he decided he doesn't want to be with you anymore, that's all. He tried to soften the blow with all this business stuff, but he got up close to where you'd be meeting parents and all that, and he decided he wants to be alone, as he repeated numerous times. Don't contact him anymore. Way out of line going over there uninvited.

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, OP, I think you need to accept that he doesn't want this relationship anymore. There is definitely more going on with him than he's letting on, but you can't continue to push when he is making it abundantly clear he doesn't want to talk.

 

I'm sorry.

[LinaLiLi]

2 days ago it finally turned out that the reason for his silence was a new woman in his life... I spoke to his friend's wife and she told me that she heard her husband talking to my man about his new girlfriend. The talk took place 2 months ago, which is exactly when he changed his behaviour towards me and stopped talking to me as normally. She said she didn't tell me before as she wasn't sure.

I'm completely broken down... I can't imagine why it happened. And for him, I wasn't even worthy of explanation. I didn't get a single Word saying he met someone new and now wants to stop our relationship. The only thing I was worth was a wall of silence and total ignoring...I'm not only totally broken over losing my person and never seeing him again, but also shocked about him not sparing a single Word to tell me what's going on...

[Curiousroxy86]

I'm sorry this happened! What a sh*tty way to end a relationship.

 

I know your very heart broken right now. Get that grief out. Feel what you feel without guilt. Cry when you feel like crying. But I hope you can see this as freeing that he is no longer your problem. He isn't the man you thought he was to you. It's better you found out his true colors now versus if you would have moved and invested much more into this pos. Don't go blaming yourself thinking what he did is a reflection of you not being good enough. This is a reflection that he is not good/was not good to you! If anything really try to see signs if any that you might have ignored so that you won't get caught suprise with the next guy (maybe wasn't so nice to you consistently? I remember you said he was quick tempered). Next guy don't make excuses for their bad behavior. Right now focus on loving yourself and doing things that make you happy/will make you happy. Take care *hugs*

[LinaLiLi]

My first reaction to reading this is that he's seeing someone else. I don't know if my gut is right and I don't know if he will come good again. But if I were you, I'd treat this as a dealbreaker. Do you really want a man who behaves in such a manner when there are problems?

 

 

 

Now that I found out that he really got someone else, what shocks me, among all those other things, is how did you, guys, understand this while I wasn't able to perceive it? What exactly made you think he's got another woman? It means I did something wrong and I missed this point (didn't notice it)

[preraph]

I'm glad you got the truth at least, no thanks to him.

 

Can we please get you to now swear off all long-distance relationships? They rarely ever work out at all. Date local OR move to a place where you might find your niche or a bigger bunch of people with whom you have something in common. Don't waste your emotional energy online, and especially with anyone who doesn't live, say within 40 miles.