Best friend is so negative about everything

[BWFMT]

So this is possibly a minor gripe, but my best friend of many, many years is often so negative about everything I choose to do.

 

We have been friends for nearly 20 years; I have a great career, own my apartment, travel often and have a wide and varied social life.

 

She is a little older, has a child (she is single, the father is not present) and at present she does not work. She left work to raise her kid but now is unemployed and struggling, and I do truly feel for her and try to help out where possible. But as much as I love her, it is not my responsibility to support her choices (I buy her food, if she is struggling I will get her groceries or take her for dinner - all things a good friend would do)

 

She also seems somewhat lacking in other friends. Besides me and her family there are few others she really sees on a regular basis. This is particularly noticeable since her baby came along, which again is entirely understandable.

 

Anyway; she is always putting down the things I do. She has said multiple times that I do well at work because I am good looking (lets just skirt the fact I work hard, and have done for a freaking decade which I would hope is the reason for my success and not my looks!) she insults my music choices (often) and also insults the type of men I go for, often accusing me of fetishing Latin men (I have always, for as long as I can remember preferred dark featured men. I had no idea I was fetishing an entire 'race' apparently)

 

She has always had a bit of a holier than thou attitude, but for the best part we get on very, very well. Just every now and then she will say something and internally I roll my eyes and think 'say nothing'.

 

I sometimes almost feel like she is jealous; every now and then I will mention that I do not have enough money to do something and she will respond with 'what do you mean, you earn so much!' - which on paper I do. Until you deduct bills, taxes and the other penalties imposed on those who choose to be independent and live solo.

 

Thankfully I am not the type of person to really take these things to heart or to feel hurt but I am wondering what is up with her - I don't want to cause a fight or an argument (she is very argumentative; I am not and she will dominate me in the discussion if it were to arise)

 

Any ideas how to approach this situation?? I do not want to add any extra stress to her life, but these snarky comments need to stop!

[d0nnivain]

You are not going to get her to stop. You have to train yourself to listen with your heart . . .where no matter what comes out of her mouth you hear "I'm jealous."

 

I had a friend like that. When I started dating the man who is now my husband she routinely told me to break up with him & date somebody more successful. DH was delivering newspapers on the side to make ends meet. I was impressed by his work ethic as he was also going to school on line. After he & I married, same friend would routinely bemoan how much easier I had it because I had DH to support me.

[BWFMT]

This sounds very familiar.... almost every relationship I have had, she has said 'they're not the one, it won't last' instead of hoping for the best. I just do not get it - I am always very happy for her when she has her successes!

 

The one that irks me the most is when I get 'You're lucky you're pretty' because of how well I have succeeded work wise. My looks have nothing to do with anything, it seems like such a null and void statement to make.

 

She does have a negative view on everything; 'Im fat', 'Im ugly' which I of course rebuke and say something positive.

 

Unfortunately, after so many years of friendship I feel we are tied. But I do internally eye roll her a lot.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't happy in her life, that's obvious and probably feels some resentment/jealously that your life is great and you're happy. It's possible she's depressed and needs to get busier, if not work then volunteer or work part time. Or even join a mother's group with her baby.

 

You're a good friend to her and she's not being kind hearted by saying the stuff she's saying. Let her know she's crossing boundaries especially implying that you're where you are work wise because of your looks. That's very insulting.

[BWFMT]

She isn't happy in her life.

 

Yeah, I feel that from her which is really sad. I wonder sometimes if it is to do with the baby - but it was a choice she made with a flaky character for the father. I did question her decisions at the time and she was certain it was what she wanted. I wonder if this is why she slates my choice in men; perhaps it is a reflection of herself?

 

She has struggled since having her child but everything has been self inflicted; she did not have to leave the job she was in or move away to the countryside where her ability to find more work would be severely stunted. I guess she also counted on the wrong person supporting her through raising a child, but these are all still a result of her choices. A lot of friends have dropped off since she left town, but I wonder if she has been the same with them as with me. She does have depressive, pessimistic tendencies which I do not share - I am quite the opposite!

 

A lot of the comments across the board are quite insulting but almost not directly. It will be said with a laugh and a smile but ultimately it is affecting me as I am thinking about it now!

 

She is quite a confrontational character and I just do not want to argue (Because I will just pipe down and shut off) But I need to let her know to stop.

[preraph]

Her self-esteem is very low and she's trying to build herself up and make herself feel momentarily superior by tearing you down.

 

You need to get sharp with her about her minimizing how hard you work and let her know how you feel about that. Just say, oh well that's real nice you think I'm completely worthless at work and only getting by on my looks thanks a lot. Let her know that pissed you off.

 

If she criticizes your men, what would your eyes and say well I'm going to consider the source seeing as you have a child with no dad.

 

You have to set boundaries with friends when they're saying nasty things.

[basil67]

When she says things like this, it's OK to respectfully tell her that her words are hurtful.

[Blanco]

Before I even got to the stuff about her behavior, I could tell that her negativity almost certainly stems from dissatisfaction with her own life.

 

I know you feel bad for her and have a lot of history, so maybe sit down and talk to her about it without sounding like you're blaming her. Let her know that you value her opinion, but that comments about why you are successful in your career are both hurtful and dismissive of you.

 

If she seems unwilling to examine this and make changes, then you might just have to slowly detach. You obviously care about her and aren't looking to eject because she's struggling, so you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You're wanting to help, but people who are constantly negative and unwilling to hold themselves accountable for their choices will ultimately drag down those around them.

[MsJayne]

She's jealous of you, full stop. I have been in the same situation, and chose to end the friendship. When I was told what my "best friend" had been saying about me I was very, very hurt. And then I was very angry.

Your friend won't ever stop being jealous of you, you've moved forward and she's stagnating. Don't feel sorry for her, she's made her life choices. You're growing apart and maybe you need to help that along a little by spending less time with her. A person who is jealous of you is NEVER a friend.

[BWFMT]

I am going to try and fix it before I abandon it I think, but yeah I cannot be moving on with my life with someone constantly undermining my decisions and making me feel crumby when I have a lot to celebrate!

 

I am gonna give this a few months, suggest that she get herself into employment and/ or meet some new friends. I know she is lonely, and I know she is depressed - I would be! But... none of this is my problem.

 

I have been reading up on toxic friendships and I fear this is almost there; she is there when I need a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong and she was a gem when I was dealing with a death recently, but then there will be the days where it is just constant sniping... I'll begin by pulling her up on the smaller things (when she does not approve of who I am dating) I will just casually mention that I shan't bother telling her in future as she never has anything nice to say about anyone that I meet. Maybe that will snap her out of it?

[NoodleNuts]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I just started a thread about dropping a narcissist friend. She loved to cut me down. A friend should be supporting you and you should feel good around your friend, not like a lesser being.

[Watercolors]

I am going to try and fix it before I abandon it I think, but yeah I cannot be moving on with my life with someone constantly undermining my decisions and making me feel crumby when I have a lot to celebrate!

 

I am gonna give this a few months, suggest that she get herself into employment and/ or meet some new friends. I know she is lonely, and I know she is depressed - I would be! But... none of this is my problem.

 

I have been reading up on toxic friendships and I fear this is almost there; she is there when I need a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong and she was a gem when I was dealing with a death recently, but then there will be the days where it is just constant sniping... I'll begin by pulling her up on the smaller things (when she does not approve of who I am dating) I will just casually mention that I shan't bother telling her in future as she never has anything nice to say about anyone that I meet. Maybe that will snap her out of it?

 

She is definitely a toxic friend to you - because she is unhappy with her life's outcome and her choices, so she projects her dissatisfaction on to you.

 

Why are you friends with someone so negative? I understand you have a caring heart, but her problems are not your responsibility. Friendships are a two-way street. They are supposed to be reciprocal.

 

Also, to slowly fade her out of your life, you can start to slowly omit personal information to her that you normally share with her. Just treat her as more of a casual acquaintance so that she won't notice you downgrading her. Or, if you have to abruptly cut her out of your life, do it. But she will continue to use you as her narcissistic source and pull you down to her despairable depths if you allow it. Don't allow it.