True love is worth cheating for

[Delia]

I've been thinking about why people cheat on their husbands or wives and have started wondering how many people out there cheat because they find that they are married to the wrong person and later discover their real true love?

 

Let's say you're in a marriage that is cold and artificial and you find someone who turns out to be your one true love. Actually, this someone is a person you have known for years. Both of you have had strong feelings for each other, the kind of feelings that have hovered in the air between you two for a long time.

 

Continuing with this hypothetical situation, what if you had children and could very likely never see them again if you left your current marriage and went on with your life with this new person?

 

I believe that it is worth it, because real love rarely happens to anyone in a lifetime, so I believe that nothing else matters.

 

The reason why I am asking this, is because this happened to my family. My parents had a miserable, hateful marriage which I prayed for them to end. It didn't end until about a year after my father discovered my mother's affair with a mutual friend of theirs. The affair has destroyed my father and made my mother's relationship with me non-existent.

 

A year ago I did visit my mother and she seemed really happy. Her new husband (the man she had an affair with) treats her well, and I tell myself that if she's happy then I can't hate her for what she did. I can understand why she did what she did.

 

But the long term effects of the affair has made everyone in my family strangers. I can't even really describe it, because it's so complex. In some way or another, the affair has contributed significantly to my extreme depression. The irony is, my mother's search and discovery of love has made everyone else in my family (Father, sister), cold, hostile and abrasive to each other.

 

And despite it all, I don't hate my mother for it.

 

Does anyone believe that a person is selfish for cheating in such circumstances?

[tanbark813]

Cheating is always selfish. If your mom hated your dad so much and loved this new guy so much she could have just left beforehand. People usually cheat because they're too chicken s*** to give up their safety net.

 

Strong people end one relationship before moving on to another. Weak people cheat as a means of transitioning.

[RainyDayWoman]

Cheating is always selfish. If your mom hated your dad so much and loved this new guy so much she could have just left beforehand. People usually cheat because they're too chicken s*** to give up their safety net.

 

Strong people end one relationship before moving on to another. Weak people cheat as a means of transitioning.

 

if i said things like "exactamundo" this is where i would say it.

[Trimmer]

I believe that it is worth it, because real love rarely happens to anyone in a lifetime, so I believe that nothing else matters....

 

The affair has destroyed my father and made my mother's relationship with me non-existent....

 

...the long term effects of the affair has made everyone in my family strangers....

 

In some way or another, the affair has contributed significantly to my extreme depression.

 

...my mother's search and discovery of love has made everyone else in my family (Father, sister), cold, hostile and abrasive to each other.

 

On one hand you start out with the premise that an affair - this affair - was "worth it" and "nothing else matters", but then you go on to describe some pretty horrible wreckage that it caused in your family - not just with your mother but hostility and abrasiveness even between each other .

 

If the person having the affair decides that their pursuit of happiness is the only important objective, and that the destruction and emotional wreckage within a family that they created "doesn't matter", then that pretty much sounds like the definition of "selfish" to me.

 

Having said that - I think it's great that you are getting to a point of some reconciliation with her. Good luck.

[Delia]

I agree alot with what has been said, but the thing is, the negativity has more to do with my father's reaction to the affair, then the actual affair. He threatened to kill her, telling her so from a phonebooth. She called the police and they had to tell him to not do it again or he would go to jail. He told my 14 year old sister that he wanted to kill her (my mother) and turn her into mince meat. Whenever he found out that she did see my mother, he freaked out. He's paranoid. He would never act out his threats, but it freaks us out. Whenever I'm talking to my sister about our mother and my father happens to be in the room, she immediately shuts up. It's just created so much tension.

[Outcast]

Does anyone believe that a person is selfish for cheating in such circumstances?

 

Absolutely. I'm with Tanbark. It's the coward's way out. If you're in a 'cold and artificial' marriage you have no business being there and need to exit. Then you follow up on any new interests you might have.

[Trimmer]

I believe a person in a hostile or violent situation has every right (and maybe even obligation) to leave to protect the safety and well-being of themselves and family members, and even to seek a happier life. I respect the courage it can take to walk out of a hostile and/or abusive situation.

 

I just think that to escape by cheating is a bad way to do it, with the added disadvantage that it would certainly add fuel to the fire in an unstable relationship.

 

If you changed the premise of your original post to "An abusive, hostile marriage is worth leaving", I would be able to agree much more readily. But we've now gotten far away from "True love is worth cheating for..."

[sylviaguardian]

I agree alot with what has been said, but the thing is, the negativity has more to do with my father's reaction to the affair, then the actual affair. He threatened to kill her, telling her so from a phonebooth. She called the police and they had to tell him to not do it again or he would go to jail. He told my 14 year old sister that he wanted to kill her (my mother) and turn her into mince meat. Whenever he found out that she did see my mother, he freaked out. He's paranoid. He would never act out his threats, but it freaks us out. Whenever I'm talking to my sister about our mother and my father happens to be in the room, she immediately shuts up. It's just created so much tension.

 

Your mother left a 14-year-old child to be with her 'true love'? IMO that is a totally egocentric self-obsessed person. No wonder your father hates her.

[Mz. Pixie]

No way in hell would I leave my kids just to be with a man, I don't care who he is!

[JadeStar]

I agree with Mz.Pixie, theres no way a man is worth more than my kids. My husbands sister is one that thinks so though, and it p*sses me off that people can be that selfish. She had always been one to want a man over her kids. There was a time when she was dating a guy, and he tried to tell her kids what to do in a hateful manner, she would her kids he had that right. They didn't like it because of how he was so their own mother told them if they didn't like it they could leave. Her kids are grown now but at the time one was like 14 and the other was 11. They ended up leaving and their grandmother took them in. My sister-in-law got mad and had a falling out because their grandmother (her mother) took them in. They had a falling out for almost 12 years, because her mother did the right thing by taking them in a providing for them, because she would rather have a man in her life and sit around smoking weed etc, than to care about her kids. Men/women may come and go from our lives, but our kids are forever.

 

 

 

Jade

[thegirlnextdoor]

Yes. It is always selfish to cheat. You need to end the marriage before entering into a new relationship, PERIOD.

[Trimmer]

I believe a person in a hostile or violent situation has every right (and maybe even obligation) to leave to protect the safety and well-being of themselves and family members, and even to seek a happier life. I respect the courage it can take to walk out of a hostile and/or abusive situation.

 

Let me follow that up by saying that I assume "leaving" means leaving the spouse and taking the kids with you or at least maintaining joint custody if you are sure they are safe. In my book, there is no such thing as leaving your kids, unless you believe you are a danger to them yourself.

[Mz. Pixie]

I had a boss one time who was marrying this woman- her second and his third. I was asking about the kids one time and he was like "Their dad has them full time and she has visitation." I was like, "What?" He said, "Yeah, it just got so bad at home she had to leave". WTF? If it's too bad for you baby, it's too bad for your kids!

 

I have ZERO respect for a woman who leaves her kids. I would streetwalk, steal or whatever it took to take care of my kids and make sure I could have them with me.

[Trimmer]

I have ZERO respect for a woman who leaves her kids. I would streetwalk, steal or whatever it took to take care of my kids and make sure I could have them with me.

 

I'm with you on that. And I feel exactly the same way as a father.

[TMCM]

Delia,

 

I wonder if you are going to beleive this 'True love is worth cheating for' if your mother or her new H ever find themselves with another 'True love' and leave one to marry the new 'True love' just like they did the first time.

 

I wonder if you are going to beleive this 'True love is worth cheating for' if you ever happen to find yourself in your father's shoes, and your H leaves his children with you and goes off to marry the woman he has an affair with. It would be interesting to see if you would be generous enough to say that your H found his 'True love' with the OW.

 

I wonder indeed.

 

TMCM

[Merin]

True Love is worth Cheating for

 

WTF..

 

There isn't a good reason to cheat..

 

When did life become about making yourself happy regardless of the cost to others? When did that happen?

 

IF a person "Needs" to find Love else where than the relationship they are in.. then they also NEED to seek out a divorce or a seperating of the ways BEFORE they go seek out the Love they require or feel is missing.

 

My Gosh.. I cannot imagine EVER telling one of my Little People "Well ya know Mom just NEEDED to be happy so yeah screw you and I'm sure you'll understand"

 

Bah!

[Outcast]

Interestingly, there used to be a LS member who was totally pro-cheating. His life story was that his own father cheated on his mother and left the family.

 

I think some people try to identify with the parent who abandoned them, even to the point of taking up the very worst of that parent's behaviour.

[Delia]

You are all right about my mother being selfish, and I agree that she has never truly been responsible for her own actions and choices. When I was

11 my father blew up when she asked him to spend more time with us (kids), he smashed every appliance we had and for some strange reason chopped up my sister's crip with a butcher's knife. My mom took us with her to a women's shelter. The STUPIDIST thing she did, though was when faced with the decision to come back and try to work things out with my father or to leave him and live as a single mother, she decided to ask us what to do. I was 11 and my sister was 7! We were scared and I told her I wanted to go back. I regret that, and think things could've been so different if I had said no. But she should have not put that kind of responsibility on us.

 

I just wish my father could just accept that my mother doesn't love him, that she loves someone else and just accept reality.

 

I guess I'm looking for ways to forgive my mother, and I know what she did was wrong, but his reaction did make things worse.

 

How would you react if your father kept telling you how much he wanted to kill your mother, how he never wants you to see her, and basically pits you against her. One time I mentioned her, and called her "mom" because that's who she is, and he reacted in disgust, saying "your MOM?" Like I shouldn't even be calling her that. Despite everything she is still my mother.

 

I NEVER WANT TO BE MARRIED

[Delia]

OH, and yeah the whole true love thing is BS. I realize that now. It's kinda obvious now that I think about it. The man she cheated with had two past wives and had children with them before my mother.

 

Maybe my reasoning is flawed, but it's my attempt to not be completely cynical about marriage. Who in the world actually marries their true love?

[Trimmer]

... it's my attempt to not be completely cynical about marriage. Who in the world actually marries their true love?

 

Oh, Delia - most of us thought we did. Here's a nice quote from a book I read, in an earlier posting. I don't presume to speak for everyone, but that's how I felt when I got married.

 

Listen, you don't need to justify wanting to forgive your mother. Frankly, I think your ability to do so may well make you the healthiest one of the bunch. She doesn't have to have been perfect for you to forgive her and rediscover a connection with her. It sounds to me like there was a lot more to it than just "cheating to be happy", so I'm not going to sit in judgement of your mother.

 

Have you ever talked to a counselor about this stuff? It sounds like you are still carrying a heavy burden that has been loaded on you since you were a child. Your job at 11 years old was to be a kid, not to have to make a critical life decision that an adult couldn't even make. I didn't used to be of a philosophy to go running to a counselor, until I found myself in crisis, and now I really value the ability to go let it out and explore some of the junk going on in my head and heart... Have you considered it?

 

There is great ugliness in the world, but it is not all that way...

[Outcast]

Well you didn't first talk about how dysfunctional both are. Absolutely do not take them to be examples to live your life by.

 

As for who marries their love, I've known several people to do so and who are still happy 30, 40 and more years later. It's not impossible. You just have to choose very wisely and not hastily.

[sylviaguardian]

You are all right about my mother being selfish, and I agree that she has never truly been responsible for her own actions and choices. When I was

11 my father blew up when she asked him to spend more time with us (kids), he smashed every appliance we had and for some strange reason chopped up my sister's crip with a butcher's knife. My mom took us with her to a women's shelter. The STUPIDIST thing she did, though was when faced with the decision to come back and try to work things out with my father or to leave him and live as a single mother, she decided to ask us what to do. I was 11 and my sister was 7! We were scared and I told her I wanted to go back. I regret that, and think things could've been so different if I had said no. But she should have not put that kind of responsibility on us.

 

I just wish my father could just accept that my mother doesn't love him, that she loves someone else and just accept reality.

 

I guess I'm looking for ways to forgive my mother, and I know what she did was wrong, but his reaction did make things worse.

 

How would you react if your father kept telling you how much he wanted to kill your mother, how he never wants you to see her, and basically pits you against her. One time I mentioned her, and called her "mom" because that's who she is, and he reacted in disgust, saying "your MOM?" Like I shouldn't even be calling her that. Despite everything she is still my mother.

 

I NEVER WANT TO BE MARRIED

 

Delia,

 

I feel for you. My parents got divorced when I was young and it was an absolute disaster! When I asked my father later why things had got so bad, he said that they were both immature and handled things in an immature way.

 

That's the way I see your parents' being. They do not seem to be able see past their own point of view to consider what is best for you and your sister. Your mother asking you to choose is a prime example - 11 year-olds should not be put in that position.

 

I know children will love their parents no matter what their parents do to them. I know people whose parents beat them up regularly and they still love them. It is very difficult for you. You must miss your mother a lot and what your father is doing is very selfish and unfair on you. Is there a family friend that you could talk to about the situation? Or AUnt/Uncle whatever who could perhaps make your father see sense?

 

There is a lesson in this Delia and I am sorry that you are learning it so young. Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone, that relationship can be very damaging to us. You have to think of ways to have some positive things to counterbalance this. Look to your own friends etc for support. Try not to get too cynical. I know it's hard but not everyone acts in this way. It's true what Merin says - most people do not do whatever they want no matter what the cost. Many people try to do what is right.

 

How old are you now? Do you live with your father? Would it be possible for you to live somewhere else for a while?

 

My heart goes out to you,

Syl

[Trimmer]

I like Syl's suggestion to seek out other extended family members - aunt, uncle, etc... Even if they can't help change your parents or your situation directly, nurturing connections with stable, normal (!?!?) family members could give you an anchor and help build a sense of hope and a warm and positive view of family connections.

[passing by]

Delia,

 

I hope you don't let what happened between your parents sour you on love. My parents were crummy parents. My dad is an alcoholic, my mother is co-dependent. They had and still have a lousy marriage. They have been married for 50 years and unhappy for most of it. I don't know why they stay together. That is for them to know, I guess.

 

Instead of looking at them as an example of what love and marriage is (like I did subconsciously for far too long). Look at them as an example of what love and marriage should never ever be. Choosing not to repeat their mistakes doesn't mean you have to choose never to be married or never to love anyone.

 

You sound like a smart girl. You're smart enough to see your parents are about as dysfunctional as two people can get. Your dad is consumed with outrage and anger at your mother. Your mother has basically checked out altogether.

 

Maybe in time, you dad will learn that his anger gets him nowhere and your home situation will improve. I hope so with all my heart. If that never happens, then the best thing you can do is live your life for yourself, as honestly and as calmly as you can. Learn to protect yourself from the hurt and confusion you suffer because of his anger.

 

This is what I do when my crazy dysfunctional family starts coming around making my life a living hel*. I imagine their problems and their dysfunction as are whirlwinds. My mom and all her whining is a whirlwind. My dad and all his anger is a whirlwind. My dysfunctional sister and her lack of money and inability to get her life together is a whirlwind. I can choose to enter into one or all of those whirlwinds for a time, if I feel strong enough, or I can choose to remain outside of their crazy making whirlwind when I don't want to deal with them. I have a choice.

 

I love them, but I don't have to let them make me crazy. I can seperate myself from whatever they're going through. Their problems do not have to become mine.

 

 

I wish you well, sweetie. Remember what does not kill you will only make you stronger.

[mental_traveller]

Yes it's selfish, but there's nothing wrong with being selfish as long as you don't damage others. The problem is that cheating means lying, being hurtful to other people, breaking a legal contract, deceptive, risking the other person's health etc. It very much affects other people. It's especially bad because there is a less damaging alternative, i.e. to divorce or at the very least separate and make clear the marriage is over in effect. I think in a few cases it's justified, when there's totally unacceptable behaviour (e.g. wife-battering, cheating, criminal behaviour etc) beforehand, and divorce is v difficult (e.g. because of the kids, finances, reputation etc).

 

So your mother could have just said ok, I'm not happy in this marriage, I'm no longer in love, I want out. Instead she hid the affair and risked your father's health, and robbed him of the time he could have spent trying to find someone else whilst your mother was having her affair. In addition his feelings were unnecessarily hurt, because he was betrayed whilst still married. If he had been divorced before your mother went off with this other guy, he would at least have been told honestly what was going on. Pursuing your own happiness by lying to others, breaking your promises, being deceptive and hurting their feelings is both selfish and wrong, especially when children are involved.