How can I better deal with my insecurities?

[opentoconfusion]

My Fiance was here in the US on a student Visa for graduate school which ran out after she graduated. We would have gotten married right away but while I have been separated for 7 years my divorce is not final (I know this was bad on my part. Me and my ex wife have a good relationship and we never got around to it. We have many businesses together and the process of dealing with the divorce was so stressful we both put it off. We are now in the middle of it). Me and Fiance have been together for nearly 4 years.

 

Anyway, My fiance had to leave the country or else she would be over staying her visa which could hurt her getting a greencard later. She is originally from Malaysia but did not want to return home. She is Muslim and while not practicing at all, a 30 year old unmarried muslim woman in an Islamic country means that she would basically be on house arrest in her parents home until she was able to immigrate back to the US. She has lived in the US for 8 years and has no desire to return to a situation where she is a second class citizen.

 

My lawyer told me that when my divorce is final in about 6 weeks I can apply for a fiance visa which will take an average of 6 months to process and approve. My fiance has decided to take this time to travel and spread her wings a bit. She is now in Mexico City but will likely travel throughout Mexico and South America and then on to Europe.

 

She does not know anyone in Mexico City. Last Friday she met a fellow solo traveler named Robert. Robert was staying in the same apartment building in an Airbnb for week. She texted me to let me know she finally met a friend and they were going to go grab some Tacos and hung out for a few hours on friday night. Then on Saturday she and Robert went all over Mexico City touring Museums and then had dinner. Then on Sunday the same. Then on Monday (yesterday) they hung out and had dinner and drinks because Robert was leaving this morning to head home. Throughout this weekend adventure she texted me and reassured me a lot. her and I Face Timed every night for a couple hours. I do not feel any real mistrust nor was I really concerned about Robert. But I did find myself very anxious and very stressed out and insecure at the thought of her out having fun and adventures with a strange handsome man that is not me.

 

Now I find myself very Anxious when I come to the realization that there is going to be a new Robert every week or two. Sure maybe she will make female friends but she is a very beautiful woman traveling the world alone. She is far more likely to make friends with men along the way than woman. While I am not a crazy jealous possessive guy and while I believe that men and woman can have purely platonic friendships, This seems to be testing the limits of those beliefs. I feel so helpless over here. I also do not want to ruin her once in a lifetime adventure by making her responsible for my insecurity.

 

For those of you who have been in LDR's, how did you deal with this kind of thing? What things can I do to help myself deal better with this? How should I let her know how uncomfortable this is? Should I set boundaries on this type of behavior or should I suck it up and focus on the end game?

 

I welcome any advice

[Zipppy]

I may well be totally wrong, however, if you have to ask the question "How should I let her know how uncomfortable this is?" it makes me think you (or both) do not communicate particularly well inside the relationship. If I was in the same position I would open my heart to her and simply tell her. I suspect your fear is not that she making friends with people of the opposite sex but rather you are concerned friendship could easily develop into something more.

It all very much depends how strong your relationship is and of course trust. The last thing you would want is that she decides to maintain or develop friendships and not tell you, for fear of upsetting you.

[shydad]

How should I let her know how uncomfortable this is? Should I set boundaries on this type of behavior or should I suck it up and focus on the end game?

Call her and tell her what you told us, about the feelings you are having which are caused by her actions, despite her reassurances. No, you should not set boundaries. She should stop doing this because she loves you and does not want to hurt you, NOT because you told her what not to do.

[madjac74]

I was in an LDR and she was a traveler and had guy "friends" everywhere. Don't put yourself through it. Let her go and find someone local.

[justwhoiam]

She is originally from Malaysia but did not want to return home. She is Muslim and while not practicing at all, a 30 year old unmarried muslim woman in an Islamic country means that she would basically be on house arrest in her parents home until she was able to immigrate back to the US

And you bought that.

Problem #1: I think that after 8 years of being totally free, she couldn't bother with conforming to rules like she used to.

Problem #2: she knew that being around (even meeting strangers) would have been much more fun than being home with family and relatives.

 

 

 

Where is she getting the money to travel for 7 to 8 months at the very least?

 

 

Now I find myself very Anxious when I come to the realization that there is going to be a new Robert every week or two.

And you didn't see this coming?? Then you're very very naif. I do wonder how it didn't occur to you to talk about that and what she'd be doing for 8 months touring the world. One thing is touring for 1 or 2 months, one thing is travelling the world for 8 months, and it cannot be cheap. Are you funding her? Plus, the 8 months might well become a year, if anything goes wrong. It's like a bachelorette year. Draw your own conclusions.

Also, if you're starting the immigration process, I think she must be in her own country, not around the world; they'll be sending out papers to her and she'll have to go to an embassy, and this decision to stay abroad for an extended time may jeopardize any plan you have previously made.

 

 

She doesn't sound very mature for the big step you're plannig. You already have a failed marriage on your shoulders. Don't set yourself up for a second one. I'm sorry you didn't talk about any of this with her while she was still in your country and that you were so naif and she thought it was just fine to just do whatever she felt like, regardless of your opinion.

 

 

This is not how you build a relationship, not to mention serious plans for a life together. I also wonder the following: Is it possible that in 8 years she didn't make friends with any foreign (female) student at her uni to be comfortable enough to be visiting the friend back to her country? Is it possible that after studying for 8 years she couldn't find a better option for her future than plain touring the world? Like some career move, something that would make her gain more experience, temporarily etc.?

 

 

Now I guess you're going to have a few more doubts.

[Sunlight72]

Heck.

If you are apprehensive about this after a couple weeks, it's going to be a rough 8 to 14 months ahead. You need to change your habits and perspective ASAP. Yes, I've been through a year LDR with a woman who had mostly guy friends, and when she would travel she would often meet them or meet new guy friends.

 

Also - can this woman actually be your fiancée if you're not divorced yet? It was reeeeeeeealllllly short sighted of you to let your divorce hang for 4 years while you dated this new woman. I don't know your whole story, but from your post it still sounds like you are minimizing the impact of your part in this.

 

I can't find much sympathy when you were so uncommitted to the new woman and so inactive. How do you think she felt, knowing her boyfriend was married and didn't take the clear action of ending his marriage? It shows her she is not special enough for you to clear a space for her. Don't disregard that. She trusted you more than you earned. You could have returned to your marriage at literally any moment during the past 4 years and she would have been left out in the cold.

 

I mention this because you need to keep this forefront in your mind and heart when you are considering asking your woman to not interact with men on her year of travel. You haven't shown her with actions (in this one, but very important, area) that you put her feelings first, so now you need to show her the same Enormous Amount of Trust and Patience she has shown you over the past 4 years.

 

What you could do in the coming year is prioritize traveling to meet up with her if she would like that, and in between, keep doing video chats when she has time and wants to. Also realize she is traveling and there will be gaps in communication when she is just enjoying her surroundings and the people around her. Show her you trust her by letting her have those times (days, weeks with little contact) without getting tense and controlling. During those times you should fall back on the activities you can do with guy friends, at work, and with your parental family (not with your wife, though I know you have businesses together, keep that to a minimum and Do Not Share your loneliness with your wife. Find other people in your life to share that with).

 

I would suggest considering yourself a worker bee and social bee. Make concrete plans with some guy friends to do some real things often. Show yourself that your life is bigger than your romance for the time being, knowing that in a year or so you will have the chance at a real romance when your woman returns. Don't focus on your woman except when you're on the chat with her. In between times visit with other friends & build your businesses into more than they are now.

 

 

This is your opportunity to be a forthright and worthy man. Not for her. For yourself.

Edited March 29, 2019 by Sunlight72

[Sunlight72]

P.S. It's actually a really good situation that your divorce (if you go through with it) will become final while your new woman is out of the country. To make yourself ready and worthy of her in the future, and for your own health, you really do need several months following the divorce to be on your own. Over time you will get a more real sense of who you were, who you are, who you want to be. Make use of this time to make yourself into a whole man on your own.

[Tamfana]

Four years is a long time to wait for someone to get around to doing what's needed to be together. I can see you understand that. All you can do now is finalize the divorce and hope she's still available. We all mess up sometimes and digging ourselves out of it is always hard.