wed4ever Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 (edited) It all started when I said that I wasn't sure about how our marriage was going. I communicated to her about how I felt that I was always at the bottom of her list; that everything in her life is more important than me. It's NOT that I don't think I'm important to her or that she is shutting me out. It's more like whenever we get a chance to have "us" time she's always busy with something else. I can't get her to see that she keeps adding stuff and things in her life that makes it more and more crazy. To make it fair. She does take care of two kids and many of her activities are honorable and helpful to various causes. So anyway, she spun the whole thing that I just wasn't happy with sex and when I mean 'time' I actually mean 'sex'. Maybe she's right... at least in part. Yesterday I sent her some sexy texts. She mentioned that today in our argument and told me explicitly that she couldn't give 5 seconds of care to those kind of texts. Completely cold to it. Then told me that she has nothing more to give to me and that if I need more I could go find some sex on the side and that we would keep everything the same, she would still take care of the kids and everything else. Crazy thing is, I can understand how that could be said in the heat of battle when angry but when everything cooled down a few hours later she reiterated it and told me the same thing. This isn't what I want. But given the opportunity down the road do I really have much of a choice? If it were up to my wife I think we would have sex about 2 times a month. The rest of the time is just her appeasing me and now after all this I don't think I really have the heart to pursue her sexually anymore. Any advice? Edited March 5, 2019 by wed4ever Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 You're in a sexless marriage. You can eith live eith it or not. It's your choice. I doubt very much anything will change. I would divorce rather than have affairs. No matter what she says that will not work out and will cause even more damage. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 I would just divorce (that's what I actually did, and am better off for having done so). However, if you don't want to do that, then take her up on her offer. It isn't cheating as you have permission, but she probably won't want to hear about it. Finding a sex buddy as a married man may be a lot harder than you imagine, though, unless you go the escort route (if you can afford that) - or have a personality that attracts women. Divorce is just easier and a cleaner choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 You're in a sexless marriage. Not true, or I'm in serious denial and can't see what is happening before my eyes. My wife still wants it sometimes... just not as much as I do. Is this how a sexless marriage happens? I hope I'm not going down that path. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 wife told me I could have some on the side wed4ever, what if your wife told you you could rob a bank? Run over a few pedestrians? What's missing from your post is any calculation as to whether this is a good idea for you? Not her, not your marriage, but is this who you want to be? Based on your username, I'm going to guess this isn't what you want to do... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
El Duendecillo Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 OP, is there a possibility that she is getting her needs fulfilled else where? No intended offense asking. If not, would she expect to be allowed the same courtesy at some point in the future? How would you feel about that if you both head down that path? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 What's missing from your post is any calculation as to whether this is a good idea for you? Not her, not your marriage, but is this who you want to be? No it's not what I want to be. OP, is there a possibility that she is getting her needs fulfilled else where? No intended offense asking. If not, would she expect to be allowed the same courtesy at some point in the future? How would you feel about that if you both head down that path? I thought about the same thing. I seriously 100% doubt she is in any type of relationship or has cheated on me in the past. However, that doesn't rule out her secretly wanting that. I don't know. Maybe she has a guy pursuing her and wants an open relationship so she can explore but not ruin her kids and marriage at the same time. It's a serious thing to think about because it was a serious proposition on her part. Still, I think that it would be a far fetched possibility at this point not worth focusing on. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Not true, or I'm in serious denial and can't see what is happening before my eyes. My wife still wants it sometimes... just not as much as I do. Is this how a sexless marriage happens? I hope I'm not going down that path. Look up sexless marriage a couple times per month is close Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Right or wrong, I told my husband (ex for 20 years) that too. I figured at least he'd be happier and that would be better for the kids and family overall than where we were. I wasn't having an affair and didn't want to- no time or energy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 If my wife tells me to go ahead and get some on the side, I'm going to be thinking that the marriage is over and all that's left is the paperwork. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 Right or wrong, I told my husband (ex for 20 years) that too. I figured at least he'd be happier and that would be better for the kids and family overall than where we were. I wasn't having an affair and didn't want to- no time or energy. So was it strictly a sex issue between you two or were there other underlying issues? What if he actually when ahead with it? [No time or energy] I get that. But no matter how much I help out more around the house and watching kids it doesn't seem to matter. She will just fill that extra spot with something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Is your wife a SAHM? I honestly believe that except for a few people who are exceptionally well suited to it, being a SAHM is incredibly difficult and takes a huge toll on marriages. It's possible that your wife is "filling her time with other things" because she's desperate to get out of the house and live as a free adult for a bit. It may be beneficial for her to get a part time job and use the extra cash to send the kids to daycare - that way she might feel more like a lover and a woman, rather than being in "mom mode " all the time. Have you both tried MC? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tamfana Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) So was it strictly a sex issue between you two or were there other underlying issues? What if he actually when ahead with it? [No time or energy] I get that. But no matter how much I help out more around the house and watching kids it doesn't seem to matter. She will just fill that extra spot with something else. I think he might have gone ahead and done it. He used to travel a lot and there was a woman in Germany that I think he spent time with. Oh yes there were underlying issues that resulted in divorce. Elswyth's right about how many SAHM's feel. And there are some working moms too who come home from work to being in mom mode all the time because she's responsible for the kids and home by default and he helps at times. Unintentionally on everyone's part I'm sure, that can feel as though you're mom for the kids and the husband. You walk in the door from work and they all need from you or kind of act like "oh good, mom's home she knows or she'll do it." It is not sexy. At all. Edited March 6, 2019 by Tamfana Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) <snip> Have you both tried MC? I'm one phone call away MC. I'm all for it! I think it would be good because she won't listen to me but will listen to someone else. I've realized that us talking is pointless because she is too defensive that she's always right. Yes she's a SAHM. Yes, I think that's a big piece to the puzzle. But she is extremely prideful and bull headed. I've brought up all the things you mentioned but she is too prideful. The F-ed up thing is she doesn't even need a part time job to send the kids to day care. We can do it on my salary. She's running herself into the ground and taking me with her. And to put the icing on the cake, she wants to homeschool when the kids are ready to go to school (next year). I already said no f-ing way from day one years ago when the subject came up. The main reason is because I can clearly see she needs time away from the kids. Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Not to be dismissive in any way of the work of a stay at home mother or the difficulties balancing the many responsibilities of life... but, it always kind of baffles me when a woman puts her children, her home, volunteer work, her job, literally EVERYTHING else ahead of her marriage and then, she expects to stay married. The thing is, if a mother wants to provide her children a happy, healthy, financially stable, secure, two parent home... she needs to protect her relationship with their father. Making herself a martyr, shutting down, refusing sex, and refusing to communicate with her husband is not going to help the situation... OP, if I was you I would be making that call to the marriage counsellor. I would also take your wife’s suggestion that you look outside the marriage with a grain of salt - it’s a hell of a risk to take, only to learn that you were wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Do not sleep with anyone on the side. If you do, your wife will get full custody of the kids when you get divorced. To me it seems like she is setting you up. Honestly I would skip the counseling and go straight to the paperwork. However I'm also a piece of toast. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) No it's not what I want to be. I thought about the same thing. I seriously 100% doubt she is in any type of relationship or has cheated on me in the past. However, that doesn't rule out her secretly wanting that. I don't know. Maybe she has a guy pursuing her and wants an open relationship so she can explore but not ruin her kids and marriage at the same time. It's a serious thing to think about because it was a serious proposition on her part. Still, I think that it would be a far fetched possibility at this point not worth focusing on. I have seen this so many times that it can be the case. You need to quietly go into detective mode. A woman can meet men very easily during the day. Someone that works at the school, another students dad, men that volunteer where she does. She does not want sex. Many a WW cuts off the BH because they want to be loyal to their OM. Cheating WW suggests that the BH finds an OW, eases her guilt and then lets her openly date her OM. Hide a VAR in your WW car and another one in your house where your WW takes most of her phone calls. Then check your phone bill to see if there is a number that she calls, texts, a lot and find out whose number that is. Last do not go off half cocked and confront your WW. Confronting must be done right and you must not reveal how you found out your info. You are here because you feel something in your gut. The gut is never wrong. Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Hmmmm.....it sounds like your wife really needs some help with learning to stop and smell the roses. I'm not criticizing because she sounds exactly like me. So I get exactly how she feels. It can be very difficult to impossible to turn your brain "off" and just relax and enjoy the moment if you're the type of person who is always thinking about the next thing that has to "get done." It sounds like you're helpful and you recognize she needs less on her plate, but she won't relinquish control of that. I don't think she's having an affair. I suggest couples counseling if she will make time to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wed4ever Posted March 6, 2019 Author Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) Hmmmm.....it sounds like your wife really needs some help with learning to stop and smell the roses.<snip> You said it. That describes her. The problem I have now is how to convince her in a non threatening fashion to go to counseling. She already has made efforts on her part. Last night she wanted to be intimate and this morning she lay next to me and gave some 'us' time. Even if for a minute it make a big difference. But I'm afraid like many times in the past it will just go back to business as usual. I'm ready for a permanent fix to this. It's really easy just to make up temporarily and everything is fine but none of the underlying problems are solved. As for intimacy, I'm really not ready for it again because of some of the things she said. There were other things that she said that were petty and not worth mentioning but still took the wind out of my sails. If I just let it go and pretend like it didn't happen then it will just happen again. Anyway, as of now, she has warmed back up to me. Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 (edited) I was divorced within a year of my ex telling me I could 'go elsewhere'. I didnt' want that. She was cheating. Denied it of course, gaslighted me, etc. Women don't say that to people they love. She loves being a mom, not being your wife. Tell her you won't put up with a loveless marriage. While it seems to go against logic, she has to put you and your relationship first if she really wants to best benefit her children. Her putting them first and you/your relationship last is going to ultimately be all of your downfall. Tell her that - in matter of fact type language. The current situation will result in so much resentment in you both as to guarantee your downfall - particularly after your kids are grown and gone. Don't take this lying down. Act quickly. Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? You're right there in the house with her every day. Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Last night she wanted to be intimate and this morning she lay next to me and gave some 'us' time. As for intimacy, I'm really not ready for it again because of some of the things she said. There were other things that she said that were petty and not worth mentioning but still took the wind out of my sails. If I just let it go and pretend like it didn't happen then it will just happen again. wed4ever, considering a lack of sex was one of your main complaints, this approach seems passive/aggressive and counterproductive to me. Would you be any less hurt if she didn't make the effort? As a long time elementary school teacher, my wife would tell you more progress is made rewarding positive behavior than by punishing the negative... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Anyway, as of now, she has warmed back up to me. I'm sorry but my husband would not be able to just "warm back up to me" after telling me I could have sex on the side with another man because he doesn't want to do it. I probably would never have sex with him again and do just as he suggested. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? You're right there in the house with her every day. Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe? I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about this. Maybe like me, he's read here or elsewhere that sexting among even married couples is pretty common (maybe a slow day at work, I don't know) and thought to give it a try, only to find out that the spouse isn't into it at all. I wasn't all impacted by it or anything, just another thing that I tried and didn't work out. No big deal, but not brought on by me sexting others, either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 There is a back story here as regards sexy pics. Link to post Share on other sites
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