wife told me I could have some on the side

[wed4ever]

Sexy texts is what you're after? She's a busy mother, not an idle teenager online flirting. What made you think sexy text was what the woman you live with who is the mother of your children would like? Is this something you've been doing online with strangers, maybe?

No it's just something she did all the time when we were dating and engaged. I guess she forgot to tell me that has all changed now. Along with all the other promises of how sex was going to be all the time if I married her. Silly me. Looks like the jokes on me but I don't think it's funny...

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm not saying this as an insult to you, but have you ever asked your wife why she isn't interested? Is it possible the root cause of all of this is that it's just not as good for her as it is for you?

I don't mean that as an insult to you or to imply you are selfish, don't care, etc., just that it can happen.

 

After all, if it "rocked her world" (so to speak) it would stand to reason she would want it more often.

 

Also, it does sound as if she isn't suited to being a SAHM. I was for many years, and it's not a good fit for everyone.

[pepperbird]

Sorry...this doesn't mesh with your other thread, wife-made-me-mad where you say your marriage is nearly sexless, in another, you say you are into light BDSM and she just did a boudoir photo shoot for you.

 

Now I may be old, but that doesn't strike me as "sexless".

Edited March 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
bad link

[preraph]

No it's just something she did all the time when we were dating and engaged. I guess she forgot to tell me that has all changed now. Along with all the other promises of how sex was going to be all the time if I married her. Silly me. Looks like the jokes on me but I don't think it's funny...

 

She's a busy mother now. I think you should take the kids for a week and let her go on vacation and see if you still feel sexy . Seriously, not being mean. But men who haven't done it all on their own just can't realize how draining it is. We see this every day on here and it's common knowledge that women have to prioritize taking care of their kids and that their own needs don't even get met, and that husbands often are part and parcel of that. Women who are overwhelmed with childrearing and don't have enough hours in the day and are always exhausted don't even think it's funny when the only time their husband speaks up, it's about hinting for sex. If you want her to get sexy, do 50 percent of everything, the kids, the house, everything, and see if she starts feeling more leisurely and sexy.

[wed4ever]

Sorry...this doesn't mesh with your other thread. In one, you say your marriage is nearly sexless, in another, you say you are into light BDSM and she just did a boudoir photo shoot for you.

 

 

 

Now I may be old, but that doesn't strike me as "sexless".

 

The light bdsm has all but stopped if you read the thread and what went on. And the photoshoot IMO had little to do with any intimacy between us. It was just something she did for herself... which I'm happy for her that she did. Not much of a connection to what I'm talking about now. Things can change fast.

[wed4ever]

She's a busy mother now. I think you should take the kids for a week and let her go on vacation and see if you still feel sexy . Seriously, not being mean. But men who haven't done it all on their own just can't realize how draining it is. We see this every day on here and it's common knowledge that women have to prioritize taking care of their kids and that their own needs don't even get met, and that husbands often are part and parcel of that. Women who are overwhelmed with childrearing and don't have enough hours in the day and are always exhausted don't even think it's funny when the only time their husband speaks up, it's about hinting for sex. If you want her to get sexy, do 50 percent of everything, the kids, the house, everything, and see if she starts feeling more leisurely and sexy.

 

I do a lot and continuously try to do more and more. I take the kids several times a week night so she can always go out and do her thing. I clean a lot, always do dishes, do all the outside chores. She goes on vacation all the time. Goes for a day or two (with the kids) and her friends. She doesn't work. I'm the one who is tied down to go to work 6-7 days a week. Her needs [can] be more than met. I think she makes a lot of things busy and hard on herself when she doesn't need to. I wouldn't say I pull 50% but even if I did she would just find something else to fill that spot other than time with me. I know because I've made a conscious effort at times in our marriage to step it up. It didn't make a lick of difference.

 

One thing is for sure, SAHM isn't for everyone and maybe not my wife either but there is no way heck she will ever give it up. Maybe things will get better when they go to school full time.

[wed4ever]

op,

I'm not saying this as an insult to you, but have you ever asked your wife why she isn't interested?

 

Yes, the response is always that she has too much on her mind and just can't turn it off. And that she doesn't like being touched because she has kids touching and hanging on her all day long and doesn't want someone else touching her.

[Turning point]

Yes, the response is always that she has too much on her mind and just can't turn it off.

 

I think there's something deeper here. You're wife is working over time to stay out of your orbit and there is an unstated reason for that. You are clearly shut out.

 

I'm not saying it's an affair - rather at the very least there is something going on with her and her disposition toward you that isn't likely to change.

 

By the time I got to a marriage counselor my ex wife said: "I don't have time for him and I don't care.." In that instant every frustration I had ever felt throughout the entirety of our marriage was made clear. She was unavailable and always had been. I was chasing a ghost. She MADE time for everything and everyone else - and she was all about herself. Selfish to a very extreme level. In my case that includes affairs.

 

If you were in any way important to her - she'd MAKE time for you. You're clearly in distress about this and it doesn't even phase her. There is a root to this problem and it may be bigger and deeper than you imagine.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes, the response is always that she has too much on her mind and just can't turn it off. And that she doesn't like being touched because she has kids touching and hanging on her all day long and doesn't want someone else touching her.

 

Believe her. It's true. I was a SAHM for five years and this is exactly how I felt.

 

I think it's hard for men to understand how emotionally taxing being the primary caregiver can be. You help a lot (kudos), but she's still in charge of it all.....keeping all the schedules/appointments, etc. She has to make sure this ship is continuing to run 24/7. I don't know what you do for a living, but she doesn't have the option of leaving her work at work like you may. It is actually very hard to turn it off for some women.

 

I envy women who can.

[preraph]

I do a lot and continuously try to do more and more. I take the kids several times a week night so she can always go out and do her thing. I clean a lot, always do dishes, do all the outside chores. She goes on vacation all the time. Goes for a day or two (with the kids) and her friends. She doesn't work. I'm the one who is tied down to go to work 6-7 days a week. Her needs [can] be more than met. I think she makes a lot of things busy and hard on herself when she doesn't need to. I wouldn't say I pull 50% but even if I did she would just find something else to fill that spot other than time with me. I know because I've made a conscious effort at times in our marriage to step it up. It didn't make a lick of difference.

 

One thing is for sure, SAHM isn't for everyone and maybe not my wife either but there is no way heck she will ever give it up. Maybe things will get better when they go to school full time.

 

Well, it should. Not for nothin, all these matricides you hear about, the children were more than one and all under 5.... very stressful and exhausting, toddlers and babies.

 

Good for you for taking time to help. Sounds like you two def shouldn't have any more kids. She may just be so stressed that her hormones simply do not kick in. I know what you mean by makes things harder on herself than need be. I think if that involves letting the kids run the household, that's when it's good to have a strong man step in and say No to that. Some mothers let their kids make all the decisions and build their day around their whims and that's not good for the kids. They need structure and limitations. If you happen to have a big disagreement about that, taking a parenting course together can help put you on the same page. What I've seen is that mothers don't care that much if the father steps in as long as they don't have to be the "bad guy" but that's not fair, but it is common enough.

[pepperbird]

op,

a sexless marriage in five weeks? she's even the one who wanted to get the photos done, and your comment :

 

 

" Then we can just have old people sex. May as well accelerate the inevitable.

She'll be the first one to complain." this is a woman who wants a sexless marriage?

 

 

You make ZERO mention of this problem in your first thread, and you accelerate it to being this huge problem now.

 

This makes me wonder if you have someone in your eye ( or in your bed) already. I could be wrong, and if I am, I am very sorry. If I'm right, why all this "extra"? Why not be honest on here?

[elaine567]

I think the OP with his light BDSM "fun" and talk of fantasies. thought he was onto a winner with the sex promising to be more and more exciting but the bubble burst when his wife said she was "Meh" about the sexy "fun" and she was only indulging him, not doing it for her own enjoyment.

 

I guess his "disappointment" in response to that news, is a real turn off, so she lobbed the "Get someone else, if you are not happy" dig in his direction to offset any attempt to guilt trip her into having sex..

She is busy and swamped with bringing up kids and running a household, she doesn't see playing around with sex as being of any importance in the scheme of things.

It seems to me many married women view sex similarly. They don't really enjoy it that much and it becomes a chore and a burden. Many are running on empty, stressed, lack of sleep, run ragged, sex is the last thing they want to do. Desire is lacking.

 

Unless there is some huge elephant in the room we are not aware of, it doesn't look good IMO. Sexual incompatibility is a difficult one to resolve as both are "right" from their own POV and manufacturing desire is an uphill struggle.

But MC may be worth a try as there are kids involved here.

Of course as the kids grow up things may improve a bit but I guess she is never going to turn into a porn queen.

[vanhalenfan]

Not to be dismissive in any way of the work of a stay at home mother or the difficulties balancing the many responsibilities of life... but, it always kind of baffles me when a woman puts her children, her home, volunteer work, her job, literally EVERYTHING else ahead of her marriage and then, she expects to stay married.

 

The thing is, if a mother wants to provide her children a happy, healthy, financially stable, secure, two parent home... she needs to protect her relationship with their father. Making herself a martyr, shutting down, refusing sex, and refusing to communicate with her husband is not going to help the situation...

 

OP, if I was you I would be making that call to the marriage counsellor. I would also take your wife’s suggestion that you look outside the marriage with a grain of salt - it’s a hell of a risk to take, only to learn that you were wrong.

 

YES! All of this. Get in with the marriage counselor ASAP. And, do NOT look outside of your marriage for even a second if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

[preraph]

Yes, the response is always that she has too much on her mind and just can't turn it off. And that she doesn't like being touched because she has kids touching and hanging on her all day long and doesn't want someone else touching her.

 

Which makes perfect sense. Once they reach a certain age, you can make them stop that, though.

Edited March 7, 2019 by preraph

[4fin]

"It seems to me many married women view sex similarly. They don't really enjoy it that much and it becomes a chore and a burden. Many are running on empty, stressed, lack of sleep, run ragged, sex is the last thing they want to do. Desire is lacking."

 

Well said.

 

"I think it's hard for men to understand how emotionally taxing being the primary caregiver can be. You help a lot (kudos), but she's still in charge of it all.....keeping all the schedules/appointments, etc. She has to make sure this ship is continuing to run 24/7."

 

I don't disagree but she is not sailing this ship solo. She has a salary backing her. I know women like her and they are control freaks. The problem is they are not in control. It's an illusion that yes is emotionally taxing. Offering someone on the side is a great example of trying to exert control where there is no control. She can't control her lack of desire and to think a woman on the side will fill that void is ludicrous. A marriage is a partnership. Throw in kids and it becomes a forced partnership. Either one can be terminated but with kids it's just more complicated. A lot of this makes sense which is why I quoted it. From a distance it is easy to see. From the inside though how do you not take it personally? She wants the life she has and is encouraging him to stray to keep it. He wants the life he had when he was desired. Someone is going to come up short. It's a common theme in so many threads. How does someone compromise on desire when it is not there? Tough situation but divorce is far tougher.