I'm sick of men who make excuses to not date you

[Auggie]

So what would a guy, who after this "epic" first date has decided he really is doing you a disservice because he's just not ready, say to you ?

 

Would you rather he lead you on in hopes of sleeping with you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well, what he ended up doing was because I led that horse to water AND made him drink (which is unfortunate, b/c I'd really prefer men to get there on their own to give a woman the respect she deserves).

 

I called him. Now, a normal guy would return my call. But not him. He Fb messaged me, "What's up? Saw you called. What'd I miss?" <--- he's not involved anymore, not interested, not even remotely enough to call me back.

 

After about 90 minutes of me FB messaging with him, he finally called me back. Within a few minutes, he admitted, no, confessed, that he KNEW which elephant in the room I wanted to address; my confusion about his interest level and the status of his relationship with his ex-g/f.

 

The convo only took about 20 minutes to get him to clarify that while he had a great time with me, he wasn't interested in pursuing anything, b/c he wanted to see about his ex-g/f (no one knows if that's true or not, but it's rejection of my interest so that's all I needed to hear).

 

He told the truth, b/c I asked him to, in a nice, but direct way. It was exhausting to have to pull the truth out of him. But I put the kibosh on it 2 days after the date b/c I'm too old to be played with online or in person. I deserve the truth, so does anyone who respects herself/himself.

[Auggie]

Auggie, have you ever dated someone you weren't attracted to and had to tell him you didn't want to date him anymore? If so, what did you tell him?

 

Yes, I have. It's not that hard to do. But that's just me I guess.

 

All I tell the guys is that while I enjoyed my time with them, I don't want to date them anymore. Some took it well, some didn't. But I've always been honest. Better to be that way, no matter what.

[Auggie]

Believe me Auggie, I know how hard dating is when you are really wanting to find that special someone...

 

I just can’t help but think, dating is going to be really hard for you if you invest this much emotional energy into each date, particularly when it doesn’t work out...

 

Because, let’s be honest here... unless you are really lucky it will not work out many times before it finally happens...

 

BaileyB, dating isn't difficult for me. What bothers me, is the way men use excuses to hide their true feelings from me when it's just easier to tell the truth.

 

This has nothing to do with me being emotionally invested too soon. It had everything to do with my gut feeling that if things did progress (which they didn't), I would most likely be a rebound, so I didn't want to get too emotionally invested, and the way he avoided just being honest with me from the get go. I don't like excuses.

[preraph]

Try telling the truth And getting into a woman’s pants at the same time

 

Oh, if they're young and naive enough, they'll make up excuses for you no matter how brutal you are.

[Versacehottie]

Energy is finite. You need to devote it carefully. Stop arguing and working yourself up over what you think things SHOULD be and start working with how things ARE in reality. That's all anyone can do.

 

It seems like you want one point in time where the guy will know everything up front or he shouldn't be talking to you. Why are you making yourself powerless? Like a sitting duck. Everything in life will react when reacted upon. In dating, you don't know often until you know (like others have mentioned). You need to accept this. Bitter is not a good look. Will only hurt you. I have to go back and read the last of your other thread. I personally would guess that you got the answer you got from him because for whatever reason he was feeling pressure from you. It didn't happen in a bubble. If i remember it was one date, long distance and it may have even been vague enough not to be considered an outright date and he was recently out of a relationship which you were pretty paranoid about trying to discover if you were a rebound. So now he's a bad guy for preventing the situation from being rebound??? And it's just an excuse? Your interpretation isn't accurate. I would bet your anxiety caused some of this reaction of his.

 

For the record, i know many couples who are together currently that started out when one or the other weren't quite over their ex or ready. Life doesn't always happen in neat, perfect little ways. You need to be open to what it brings you and be confident that you will be able to suss out what is right for you and manage it. Knee jerk reactions, black and white thinking, harsh decisions all not good. Reading your latest rant and knowing that you came out of a relationship not that long ago I would say you are also not ready to date or are carrying baggage from that relationship or your current relationship and being uncertain about your future/dating. That's what it sounds like.

 

Knowing you have the power to PARTICIPATE in the dating process and not just "wait" for someone to decide if they want to be with you can be empowering--if you choose to empower yourself. Speak up and state what you want just like you are expecting a guy to. Try to see if the guy is good enough for you, ready for you rather than "pick me, pick me, are you really ready?". The change in perspective should be helpful.

[Blanco]

Sounds like he was upfront about not being over the ex and thus not wanting to pursue anything further with you. That is a reason, not an excuse. I kind of doubt you’d be handling this much better if he’d given you any other explanation for why he doesn’t want to see you again.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, what he ended up doing was because I led that horse to water AND made him drink (which is unfortunate, b/c I'd really prefer men to get there on their own to give a woman the respect she deserves).

 

The convo only took about 20 minutes to get him to clarify that while he had a great time with me, he wasn't interested in pursuing anything, b/c he wanted to see about his ex-g/f (no one knows if that's true or not, but it's rejection of my interest so that's all I needed to hear).

 

Kind of sounds like things worked out. Kudos to you for being direct and the same to him for being honest. There's a lot of guys, feelings aside, who would have hung in there hoping to have their horse led to water a few more times ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chillii]

Sounds like he was upfront about not being over the ex and thus not wanting to pursue anything further with you. That is a reason, not an excuse. I kind of doubt you’d be handling this much better if he’d given you any other explanation for why he doesn’t want to see you again.

 

 

 

 

Ha , exactly what l thought , seems pretty cut and dry to me. l had to explain the same thing to someone.

lf you'd rather not know the reason just tell him op.

[lana-banana]

So...it wasn't an excuse, he'd been honest with you this whole time, and...you're mad because it sounded like an excuse?

 

I see no need to get into the gory details about why a relationship ends. The other person doesn't want to be with you anymore, so what else do you really need to know? Would you feel any better knowing they thought the sex was bad, or that your voice is annoying, or they fell madly and dramatically in love at first sight with a barista they met yesterday?

[LuckyM]

all my life women, girls have made every excuse not to date me or meet or whatever. Goes both ways. I think women started it ages ago.

 

 

I'm busy is the big one. Some version of--- it is not you, it's me.

I'm too ill, etc. I have to see my mother...

 

 

No one wants to be very honest, it seems, even in the same gender friendships. Do you want the blunt truth? It might hurt more than the excuses. Some guys like to collect phone numbers, I think, and not use them. They might be afraid of a NO.

[alphamale]

I'm busy is the big one. Some version of--- it is not you, it's me.

I'm too ill, etc. I have to see my mother...

 

what about "I have to wash my hair that night..."

[nospam99]

Honest answer from one male - don't generalize to other guys. And for context, I'm meeting via OLD.

 

I don't know what a woman is really like until I meet her in person. All I know is the 'sales brochure' she created for her profile. So if I think there's a chance, I try to set up a meeting. During the course of that meeting, I develop a first impression of what it would really be like to date her.

 

Even if she doesn't really impress me, I talk. And she talks. As often as not, even when one or the other of us has already decided 'this is going nowhere', we have a great conversation - often for several hours and over a meal or drinks. If she's interested in me and I'm not interested in her, does she think it's an 'epic first date'? Certainly could be. Sometimes I'm the one who decides it's going nowhere. Sometimes she is. Either way, unless the disinterest is mutual, someone gets an unpleasant 'surprise' because they read the other person's interest level wrong.

 

Honesty? The way I play the game (now), if I'm interested, I tell her I'll get back in touch and I DO, asking her for another date LATER via email so she doesn't feel any pressure to lie. This gets around the 'sure, nospam99, I want to go out with you again' that I used to get when I'd ask before saying goodnight. Lesson learned: many (most?) women are going to lie to me for whatever reason. So, OP, it definitely cuts both ways. Women make excuses, too.

[hotpotato]

Maybe this guy actually isn't over his ex.

 

However, some guys will make up excuses to keep sex on the table. He's not gonna be like, "I'd never date you, do you wanna have sex? "

[crispytoast]

Maybe this guy actually isn't over his ex.

 

However, some guys will make up excuses to keep sex on the table. He's not gonna be like, "I'd never date you, do you wanna have sex? "

I've totally done this. It worked. After a few hookups she tried to make my life hell. She actually did a pretty good job. And the sex sucked. 10/10 would not repeat.

[anika99]

Yes, I have. It's not that hard to do. But that's just me I guess.

 

All I tell the guys is that while I enjoyed my time with them, I don't want to date them anymore. Some took it well, some didn't. But I've always been honest. Better to be that way, no matter what.

 

Well that's exactly what this guy told you. That he had a good time but he doesn't want to date you. He just decided to elaborate a bit more and included his unresolved feelings for his ex and it doesn't even matter if that's true or not because that's not the important part of the message. The heart of the message was that he didn't want to date you. He was honest about that and that is what counts. If he had simply ghosted you, or played cat and mouse or kept leading you on so you would chase him then I could see being upset, but he didn't do that, he came out and told you that it wasn't gonna happen and didn't waste any more of your time.

 

By the way what do you say when the guy asks you why you don't want to date them?

[salparadise]

It seems like you want one point in time where the guy will know everything up front or he shouldn't be talking to you. [...] In dating, you don't know often until you know.

 

Yes, yes. I've seen this attitude expressed in many ways. Women often post about gauging a guy's interest, or is he really into me... the underlying expectation being that the guy should be "all in" while she takes her time to decide whether or not she's interested. IOW, she should have rights of first refusal, and if it goes the other way then having to endure the humiliation of rejection isn't fair.

 

I met a woman online last year and we set a date. The day before she texted to cancel using a flimsy excuse. I called bs and asked what the actual reason was (still didn't get a believable answer). So a month or so later she comes back around, texts me every day, and says she's changed her mind –– wants to meet after all. I agreed (against my better judgment) and we met for lunch on a weekend. Afterwards, she wanted to know when we'd have our next date, assuming that no man would ever not want to date her. I told her a) we have scheduling problems, and b) we live too far apart (of course if she had flipped my switch neither would've been an issue). She didn't take it well at all. She said that she had NEVER had a man turn her down when she wanted to continue!

 

The bottom line is, and it pretty much applies to every situation... you will hear excuses, not reasons. The reason is always that they aren't feeling it and think they can do better.

 

I had a woman end a 1.5 year relationship via text and refused to give the reason. She refused to even have a conversation because she knew my bs meter was too well attuned to accept her thin excuses. At some point she had simply decided that she could do better. She felt that it was her prerogative, and she didn't owe me an honest explanation.

 

In this sense the mating dance is an adversarial situation. When someone decides that you're no longer useful, they don't feel much obligation to bare their soul. They just make an excuse and take the nearest exit.

[salparadise]

As a woman, you should just believe that every man you are attracted to will be attracted to you. And if he isn't now, he will be.

 

I just found this nugget after posting... yup, confirmed. It's a gender phenomenon. Women expect a guy to be completely into them, and it's confusing as hell when he doesn't behave according to the script.

[BaileyB]

You went out with this guy one time, right? If so, he doesn't owe you anything. You went on a date and he wasn't into you, period. All you need to know is that he ain't trying to pursue you. Anything else is just your ego getting the better of you. Let it go.

 

It was an eight hour, “epic” date though...

 

With respect, I think this is a case of unrealistic expectations. It seems to me that OP was anxiously and got a little too far ahead of herself. Just another experience though... life moves on.

[basil67]

Yes, I have. It's not that hard to do. But that's just me I guess.

 

All I tell the guys is that while I enjoyed my time with them, I don't want to date them anymore. Some took it well, some didn't. But I've always been honest. Better to be that way, no matter what.

 

That's not a reason. Giving a reason would involve telling the guy WHY you don't want to date him.

 

Your ending is no better than "I'm not ready" or "it's not you, it's me". Seems your endings are no better than those of us you complain about.

[Auggie]

That's not a reason. Giving a reason would involve telling the guy WHY you don't want to date him.

 

Your ending is no better than "I'm not ready" or "it's not you, it's me". Seems your endings are no better than those of us you complain about.

 

Oh, they know why. They always know the reason why. I don't leave anyone hanging. But I am not going to post a transcript for you, of how I reject each guy.

[JuneL]

I just found this nugget after posting... yup, confirmed. It's a gender phenomenon. Women expect a guy to be completely into them, and it's confusing as hell when he doesn't behave according to the script.

 

As a man, you should believe if a woman rejects you, it’s her loss...a higher quality woman is waiting for you!

[c1nderella]

I Love honesty and preffer guys to be honest and tell me the truth even if it hurts but I rather them give me an excuse instead of ignoring me and ghosting me. It makes me feel worst when I’m left without an explanation after we’ve been intimate for a few months.

[mark clemson]

@cinderella - FWIW, I agree that ghosting someone after a few months is coldhearted. And if by "being intimate" you mean sex, it's even worse. Very ***hole move by either male or female - at least show the respect to communicate the breakup.

 

The silver lining is you probably don't want to be LTR with a person who would do this anyhow.

[basil67]

@cinderella - FWIW, I agree that ghosting someone after a few months is coldhearted. And if by "being intimate" you mean sex, it's even worse. Very ***hole move by either male or female - at least show the respect to communicate the breakup.

 

Unless the dumpee has anger issues. In which case, ghosting is entirely justified. Dumping someone who's going to get aggressive is inherently unsafe.