Childlessness

[alphamale]

fostering and adoption are the way to go

[Wallysbears]

I'll be blunt. You need to decide if you are totally ok with the possibility of not having children. The biological window is closing and you will be considered (already) of "advanced maternal age".

 

If you don't freeze eggs, or if this guy doesn't work out...your window may very well close. It doesn't sound as though you've had any actual fertility work up done, just that you are relatively healthy so that your doctor doesn't anticipate any issues with getting pregnant. But without actual screening, you don't know.

 

And that's all fine. If you are truly ok with perhaps not having a biological child. Only you can answer that question.

[bathtub-row]

The large majority of us want the Norman Rockwell painting but you’re setting yourself up for heartache by making this your biggest criteria. I’m not saying it can’t happen. As a matter of fact, you seem well on the way to that. But you really have some unbending rules and, approaching life in such a way - on many matters - rarely makes for a happy life. It’s like saying, “The only way I can get rich is by working two jobs.” When we think this way, we close ourselves off to other possibilities. Just a thought.

 

And, btw, having kids in your life through just about any means is fantastic.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I'll be blunt. You need to decide if you are totally ok with the possibility of not having children. The biological window is closing and you will be considered (already) of "advanced maternal age".

 

If you don't freeze eggs, or if this guy doesn't work out...your window may very well close. It doesn't sound as though you've had any actual fertility work up done, just that you are relatively healthy so that your doctor doesn't anticipate any issues with getting pregnant. But without actual screening, you don't know.

 

And that's all fine. If you are truly ok with perhaps not having a biological child. Only you can answer that question.

 

Ugh. Advanced maternal age. Pretty harsh but I guess it’s true. Nevertheless it’s kind of insensitive to bring up mine and my bfs ages. Please everyone I would appreciate some sensitivity.

 

I’ve had a full internal US and pelvic exam but no actual “fertility workup”. My doc says if I can’t conceive after “trying” for 6 months then she can refer me. But we’re not trying. I’m not on any birth control and he pulls out. That’s been my method of B.C. since I was 31. No close calls, no pregnancy. So it seems to work well at preventing. So I feel there is a very slim chance that I would get pregnant this way, since it’s being “interrupted”. We’re not trying, not even close. So my doc says wait until I am.

 

The whole point is that I’m not ok with the window closing and I have great fear and grief, and May have to Accept that I may not be able to have my own child. I’m very well aware of the health risks and dwindling percentages of fertility.

I’m not ok with it, but yes, it is something I may have to be ok with. I’m also well aware that my bf is considered “old”and if I were to become pregnant with his child he would be 70 at the college graduation. I’d be in my late 50s. That’s life. We don’t get the ideal picture sometimes. Due to our own choices and outside circumstances. What would be worse is never having a family.

Edited March 7, 2019 by littlebridge

[alphamale]

sorry littlebridge if I offended, I didn't mean to

[Wallysbears]

I was 36 when I got pregnant and 37 when my son was born. I wasn’t being mean. I speak from experience

[Iris The Butterfly]

sorry littlebridge if I offended, I didn't mean to

 

Thanks. This is a very delicate and sensitive subject for me and I’m sure many women. I know many men may have a harder time understanding that.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I was 36 when I got pregnant and 37 when my son was born. I wasn’t being mean. I speak from experience

 

I’m glad it happened for you. My gf was 36 when she had her first and now has two beautiful little girls. She’s 4 years older than me now. It happens and I know it can. I just wonder if I will have another chance. Not doing well today.

[elaine567]

I’m not on any birth control and he pulls out. That’s been my method of B.C. since I was 31. No close calls, no pregnancy. So it seems to work well at preventing. So I feel there is a very slim chance that I would get pregnant this way, since it’s being “interrupted”. We’re not trying, not even close. So my doc says wait until I am.

As time is of the essence then maybe your bf who has never had any kids and is 48 needs to get his sperm checked.

No point in wasting time "trying" if he is indeed infertile or sub-fertile.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Maybe so. He said he has no reason to believe he has fertility issues. But I'll bring it up to him, if he has considered being tested. I'll tell him I would like to be tested myself. As far as I know he just never intentionally tried, wasn't married and intending to create a family with the women he was with in the past for his reason of "they weren't the right person and I wasn't ready." I dunno. It's easy for all of us to think there is something wrong with fertility of ourselves or the partner when we don't have children.... when sometimes the person is on birth control, abortion, miscarriage, etc. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I can't. And same for him I think. We are having unprotected sex so it is likely to the rate of pulling out that pregnancy would happen, which as I found out is the same failure rate as using condoms. Being that we're both 'older' the chances are less as it is. My doc said until I have physically been actively trying (not pulling out) for 6 months, then she will refer me to a fertility specialist. I've been with two other men after my last pregnancy for months on end pulling out and no BC, once or twice no pulling out, no pregnancies there either. So I don't think it's my current bf. It's not me either according to my doctor... so maybe it's just that we're not trying. At my age it seems a slim chance anyway to get pregnant accidentally when you're pulling out every single time.

 

This has been heavy on my mind and I mentioned to him last week that I was going through something. I wasn't sure how to put it into words and didn't want to scare him off thinking 'oh she's desperate'... being that the relationship is still early and we haven't even said 'I love you' yet. He knows I want kids soon and he has said repeatedly that he does, without prompting, just stating his vision for the near future. He is already aware of my fear of not being able to have children so he knows how important it is to me. I'm pretty certain at this point that if he thought he was infertile he would be honest with me. I'll bring it up to him in person. It's been hard for me to say to him. Last thing I want is my new bf to think I'm desperate.

 

I spent time last night with friends around my age who don't have kids and most likely won't... they never conceived at all. My friend is married and 6 months older than me and she has been actively trying to get pregnant for some time. She has expressed sadness that it may not happen for her, or she may be much older by the time it does. I would have liked to talk to her more about it to share in my feelings. She's married and trying, which is much different in the place I'm in though. I've just kind of accepted that I'm most likely not accidentally going to get pregnant at my age. If I do it seems it will have to be a planned event. In the event that I don't, I recognize that I have other peers who are in the same position. I can't relate much anymore to my friends who have kids, so I spend less time with them. I would like to be one of those moms taking their kid to the park and Gymboree and being in that 'club' I feel so left out of.

 

This is just a delicate topic to bring up to him, although I know I need to share my concerns. We haven't even met the parents yet or said 'I love you'. But yesterday marked 5 months of dating and I am very sure his feelings are running much deeper than what someone suggested earlier in this thread that he was taking advantage of having sex with me telling me what I wanted to hear. It's been tough, guys. I feel very left out at my own family gatherings and with friends, being the single and childless one. I feel like people are judging me, thinking "I wonder if something is wrong with her, and that's why she doesn't have kids. She obviously wants to."

 

Any other women on here who can relate or know someone who can?

 

Thank you.

[One2Three]

LB, my opinion is do NOT ask him to test for fertility just yet. It's insane. I'd have been completely turned off if a new partner asked me to do fertility tests when we are not even trying yet.

 

After you get engaged or at least date a full year, meet family etc - then it makes more sense. But out of the blue now - he'd think you consider him a step above a sperm donor.

 

I told you before, you're not old. He's not either, not sure where this whole hype in this thread developed. We're in a similar situation and I'm not rushing it, although I know we'll ultimately have kids. A d-r told me 34, 35, 36 doesn't really make a difference in fertility. Fertility cliff happens after. For men it doesn't happen, it is gradual.

 

I know people that had kids on attempt 1 and never got pregnant while pulling out. They were also in their 20s. It's not your age, it is using a protection method correctly (not sure why you can this 'unprotected sex'?)

[Iris The Butterfly]

LB, my opinion is do NOT ask him to test for fertility just yet. It's insane. I'd have been completely turned off if a new partner asked me to do fertility tests when we are not even trying yet.

 

After you get engaged or at least date a full year, meet family etc - then it makes more sense. But out of the blue now - he'd think you consider him a step above a sperm donor.

 

I told you before, you're not old. He's not either, not sure where this whole hype in this thread developed. We're in a similar situation and I'm not rushing it, although I know we'll ultimately have kids. A d-r told me 34, 35, 36 doesn't really make a difference in fertility. Fertility cliff happens after. For men it doesn't happen, it is gradual.

 

I know people that had kids on attempt 1 and never got pregnant while pulling out. They were also in their 20s. It's not your age, it is using a protection method correctly (not sure why you can this 'unprotected sex'?)

 

 

 

 

I agree with you. I think it’s way too soon. After meeting the parents, dating for 6-12 months, talking marriage, trying, etc. then yes it would be a better time. However, I don’t see the harm in asking him now whether he may be concerned that he is infertile, since he hasn’t ever had kids and he’s much older. I’m not infertile, and I don’t have kids. The logic doesn’t follow. Sometimes people don’t have kids because they aren’t trying, are using birth control, or having protected sex, or have abortions, miscarriages. Not because of infertility necessarily. Point is, the fact that he doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean he’s infertile. Someone else mentioned full screening for genetic disorders, etc. I would be ok with a special needs child; I recognize the risk of having a child after 35. I don’t believe in testing, IVF, surrogacy, etc. I wouldn’t be concerned about genetic testing at all If I were ever pregnant. I’d be thrilled to have any child, special needs or not.

 

After I had a scare at the urgent care last month, full internal ultrasound, my doctors keep reassuring me there is nothing wrong with me and there is no reason to believe I have fertility issues. My cycle is literally like clockwork and no problems. I stopped obsessing over whether or not I was ovulating. It’s been about three weeks now since I gave up the death grip on tracking my ovulation. I’m due to start my period, which starts like clockwork each month, but I haven’t yet.

 

10 years ago when I was pregnant, I had been on the pill for years. Stopped for one week and got pregnant immediately, and he was pulling out. I guess one time it was just too close, and I was also extremely fertile. As far as pulling out being ‘unprotected sex’, I consider it unprotected, meaning no birth control or no condoms. It’s a very risky method and I don’t consider it very safe. That’s why I said ‘unprotected’. I guess it works though (sometimes). Not sure how you gauge pulling out ‘used correctly’. Either you pull out or you don’t. I got pregnant before from pulling out. For that reason, I consider it unprotected sex. No barriers and higher risk.

[One2Three]

It’s not much different than condom use if you use it right - example for incorrect use is if he cums and goes for a second round afterwards without condom again.

 

How often do you have sex? It’s also a matter of frequency in your fertile days.

 

As for him being suspected as infertile because he didn’t have kids in the past, I find this ridiculous. He may have never tried. Also sometimes infertility is due to incompatibility in the couple (eg your vaginal fluid too acidic and killing his sperm), just there is really no point discussing individual fertility before trying (trying for 6 months). Unless there is something obvious like vasectomy or hysterectomy of course.

 

How is your relationship with him overall? You said you haven’t said ILY yet or met family which I think is fine at that stage, but just curious overall what’s your intuition of seriousness at the moment. How often do you meet?

[Wallysbears]

If at 5 months you haven’t met families or said I love you?

 

This guy doesn’t want a family.

[One2Three]

If at 5 months you haven’t met families or said I love you?

 

This guy doesn’t want a family.

 

I disagree with this. We don't even know do they have families that live close enough to meet etc. Sometimes just the logistics takes longer than few months, and with aging parents could be rough.

 

Regarding ILYs, in my experience it happens at 2-3 months, but I've heard people taking longer and still having serious intent.

 

Heck the only thing that seems very out of place is to discuss having kids before meeting families and ILYs. Seems premature and kind of forced, unless it is just in general terms.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Geez, Wallybear, you’re pretty tough. Thank you 123 for your defense. Speaking of meeting the family, as a matter of fact, today I mentioned that my parents are having a party at their home this Sunday (about 30 miles north of where we live) and I was going and he was invited. I said I wasn’t sure how he felt about meeting the family, and for me it takes a while to want to bring someone around and wouldn’t do it unless I saw serious potential. His response was, “I’ve been hopeful to meet your family, and I hope to introduce you to mine.” I gave the option of the party with all the family or if he would rather maybe we can plan something soon with just my parents. He said he would love to come Sunday. So yes, we finally are crossing that mark.

 

His family lives on the complete opposite side of the US but I believe his parents are coming in May. If things continue this way I’m also hoping to meet them. I think I love you comes at different times. Last serious boyfriend said it 2 months in. We didn’t work out so I think the I love you comes at different speeds for everyone.

 

Sex is 3 or more times a week and our relationship is very good. We see each other three or four days a week. I wouldn’t even be thinking about any of this unless it was something I saw had serious potential.

[NuevoYorko]

Women's fertility takes a pretty steep decline after age 35. Not trying to freak you out, OP, but there is some false information here. The facts are easy to find.

 

You're certainly not old, but you are at a time in life when you need to make sure you don't undermine your priorities.

 

So - if you know you want kids and you are pretty sure you will have regrets if you let that ship sail without trying, it is NOT too soon to have that conversation with the guy. Absolutely not. I think you'll be sad if you don't.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Women's fertility takes a pretty steep decline after age 35. Not trying to freak you out, OP, but there is some false information here. The facts are easy to find.

 

You're certainly not old, but you are at a time in life when you need to make sure you don't undermine your priorities.

 

So - if you know you want kids and you are pretty sure you will have regrets if you let that ship sail without trying, it is NOT too soon to have that conversation with the guy. Absolutely not. I think you'll be sad if you don't.

 

I'm well aware of the drop in fertility after 35. When I was younger I used to think if I didn't have kids by 35 I'd adopt. Now pushing it back a couple more years. That's why I panic. Even though at the surface level of my health the doctor tells me no reason to worry. And I hear all the time about women having kids in their late 30s, even 40s. It's possible, sure. But I know it's less likely now than it was. My friend who is married had two kids after 36 and is healthy and so are her daughters. It took effort and months of trying, but it took. Her husband is 40.

 

A thought on my bf's age... and his fertility or perceived fertility... like me, as he said, he's just never tried. He's not married and he's pretty clear on wanting to be married before having kids. The reason he gave for not having kids in the past is that he wasn't married and as it turned out the women he was with long term did not work out and weren't the right person. We've all made choices that result in not being married, being married, not having kids, having kids. I had the chance more than once to be married, to have a child. I didn't take it, and here I am.

 

At 5 months in, he's just about to meet my family, a progression and things getting more close... I hesitate to tell him, "hey, I think you should get your sperm checked because I want to have a baby soon" We both have discussed the fact that we want a family and are looking for something serious and long term.. and it's looking like our relationship is progressing. I realize time is of the essence but we don't talk about living together, marriage, or having kids together at this point. It's more like sharing a vision for what we would like generally. He's in the same boat as me as far as age being at the 'old' end for having kids. I personally don't believe he would want to keep pushing that back. That may be an assumption, but it's just what I'm gathering from what he's told me.

 

I'm still at the point in my mind that we're just dating... it's turning that serious corner, meeting the family to me is a huge step, the fact that he told me he's been hoping to meet my family and is hoping to introduce me to his, he talks about wanting to buy a bigger house this coming year to accommodate more people (meaning a family)... I mean, that is talk, but it's serious talk, and I take him seriously.

 

I'm just curious for those of you who have indicated I need to have 'that' conversation with him.. what is it exactly that needs to be said?

 

"I want kids soon and want to make sure we're on the same page about that goal. Is your sperm good? Oh yeah, I want to be married too, what do you think?" I already know he wants marriage and kids. But at 5 months? He wouldn't be ready to do that with me yet, I'm sure. Most people don't move that fast. I dated another long term older bf for a year and he already had two grown children and had been married before. He didn't really want more kids but would have been "open to it"had I accidentally gotten pregnant. Getting married and having kids was not his goal. I was with him for a year and that was enough time to know, I thought. Two and a half years later... I'm 35.

 

Men my age are either married, divorced and just want to play around, already have kids and don't want any more, or still immature and want to play the field. That's my dating pool now. Last year I dated a 36 year old who was on the rebound and was apparently just out to date lots of different women and didn't want a relationship. He saw I was more settled and wanted a family and it made him run. The hard truth for women in their 30s is that sometimes you have to date older, like 5 years, 10+ if you still want that chance of having your own family, unless you try and rope in someone who doesn't really want that. That's how I see it. I could probably date men my age. I have. They're not in any hurry.