Invaded his Privacy now what do I do!!

[insanelyjelous]

Hey Guys,

 

I really need some advice as I feel like I'm cracking up! Last nite I went through my fiances phone (I know I'm invading his privacy and the saying what you don't know cant hurt you comes to mind but I think I'm glutton for punishment). Anyway while I was going through his phone as I occasionally do I found at least 15 messages from 1 girl all in the same day, some of them seemed innocent enough and others not so innocent asking him what he was doing that nite. Now that might seem like nothing but I'm 99% sure he only just met this girl and for her to be sending all those messages he must be replying to them but when I looked in his sent box it was empty.

Anyway I just need some help on what to do! do I confront him and risk losing him because I invaded his privacy or do I keep quiet and pretend as if everything is ok when I'm not. We've just bought a house together but I'm afraid i've made the biggest mistake of my life. I know i've got trust issues that i'm trying hard to deal with and I really do love him.

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

[lindya]

Would you normally have invaded his privacy like that, or were you acting on an instinct? It's a tricky one. Sometimes you'll get an instinct (which, I suspect is often more just a case of unconsciously observing certain suspicious events, behavioural patterns and "guilty" body language). Sometimes you can't ignore that instinct, but to ask questions based on it would sound hysterical and paranoid.

 

I know lots of people who have snooped on their partners, but not many who have admitted it to said partners. Generally some convoluted situation will arise whereby the information the person already has is gently "encouraged" or manipulated out of the partner.

 

You could approach your bf and saying "look, I've been getting some odd feelings that all is not well lately. I know I really shouldn't have done this, and I'm not sure why I did, but I checked your texts - and you had about 15 from a girl I don't know. Who is she?"

 

Then again, it's all very well for me to preach an honest and direct approach when I'm not the one who has to deal with the fallout. Maybe a more Machiavellian means of finding out who this woman is will be the only realistic way to preserve your relationship? After all, although there seem to be lots of people out there who enjoy a good snoop, it's fair to say that most people really can't handle being on the receiving end of a snooper's activities.

[insanelyjelous]

It's fair to say that I do go through his phone quiet often and I'm not even sure why because I obviously don't want to see things like that but as I said before I have trust issues that i'm trying to resolve.

I'm finding really hard to decide what to do, as I know that I virtually brought this on myself.

On the one hand I could go with my gut which is to confront him and let him know how i'm feeling because of this and just hope he doesn't throw that back in my face because I went through his phone. On the other hand if I keep quiet then there's no argument, no risk of losing him but I will be torturing myself mentally about what might be going on and believe me I'm very good at that.

I think i'm going to try and confront him because I don't think i'l make it through the next few days if I keep this bottled up!!

 

Thank's for the advice

[insanelyjelous]

***Update***

 

I just called my fiance to see how his day was going and he told me that he has a work meeting tonight. I don't believe him!! my heart is telling me that he's going to meet this girl because he never mentioned it before and now all of a sudden he's gotta stay at work late.

God I wish I'd never even looked at his phone in the first place, i'd have been none the wiser and wouldn't be torturing myself like this now

this is tearing me up inside. I didn't want to confront him before I'd had time to think about it but now I don't know if I should tell him before he goes or let him go and confront him tomorrow!!

 

Help me please!!!

[lindya]

I think i'm going to try and confront him because I don't think i'l make it through the next few days if I keep this bottled up!!

 

Thank's for the advice

 

Good luck with it. If that's the way you're going to deal with it it might be an idea to think of it as a discussion rather than a confrontation. Thinking in terms of a confrontation would indicate that you've got him all but convicted, hung drawn and quartered already.

 

"Discussion" would be more about investigating some concerns you have, keeping an open mind but being determined not to be fobbed off with a weak sounding excuse...or allowing him to focus on the issue of you snooping to the extent that he avoids giving a satisfactory explanation as to who this woman is and why she keeps texting him. Given that you're engaged to be married to the guy, I agree that you need to be clear about just what's going on here.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It does sound a little suspicious. Could you drive by his work and see if you see his car there after work hours? You don't have much to 'confront' with otherwise - he will just deny everything and turn it on you to make it look like you have the problem. You won't be able to back yourself up, because you won't have much outside of some one-sided text messages. I expect though, if you go by his work and his car isn't there - or, if you happen to be in that neighborhood when its time for him to get off of work you can borrow a friends car, and be very discreet and see where he happens to go if he leaves instead of staying for his 'meeting'.

[insanelyjelous]

I wish I could do that but he doesn't drive to work and short of getting someone to follow him I don't think there's much else I could do. I guess I'l have to have our "disscussion" tomorrow when my mind is not racing with thoughts and when things may seem clearer, and whatever he does tonite I just hope he has the decency to be honest with me.

 

Thanks again

 

Whoever invented the mobile phone was a godsend to cheaters everywhere!!

[Bronzepen]

The problem you need to confront right now is your trust.

 

Have you always had this problem? What can you do about it?

 

Here's a start -

 

If he is going to cheat then there is nothing you can do about it AND it's not your fault.

 

When it does happend, lick your wounds and walk away.

 

But you can't go through life worrying about the if's and maybe's. You will go crazy.

 

Trust him but don't be naive. Balance the two.

 

All the best.

[lindya]

Trust him but don't be naive. Balance the two.

 

Erik Erikson said that Basic Trust versus Basic Mistrust was the first dilemma in life. It's one that comes up again and again again - alongside ever more complicated dilemmas as we go on with our lives.

 

Nobody wants to be a suspicious cynic, but nobody wants to be a gullible fool either. How do you balance the two? It's got to be one of the biggest and most difficult challenges in life.

[Mz. Pixie]

You need to admit what you did. He should have already told you about the messages if they were innocent. The fact that he didn't sounds suspicious to me. Tell him you're sorry for snooping but here is what I found. If he gets defensive about his privacy I'd be worried. Let us know what happens.

[sleeplessincnd]

Ok well you are smarter than me to at least consider waiting and how to bring it up. I snooped and blew up right away before even giving myself the chance to think logically - now my bf is pissed. But him focusing on his own anger leads me to believe what I found wasn't completely innocent.

 

I am too in the situation where I am very untrusting b/c of my past but I never should have done what I did and I am very worried I will lose him over this.

 

I looked at his e-mail not b/c I was suspicious but b/c I figured there was nothing in there that would hurt me.....WRONG!

 

Make sure that he gives you an explaination. My bf explained very briefly in our "discussion" but has since not mentioned anything and only speaks of what I have done to him - not what he did to me. I have aplogized 100 times already and that is not enough it seems - perhaps there is more going on then I want to believe....hmmm

 

Tread carefully is all I can say!

[klahaniegal]

Wow. glad i found this thread. Im plagued with the same 'crazyness' I sneaked a peak 2 weeks ago of my bfs cell and hit the roof at his x calling. I had to block her number from our land line due to her harassment calls in the wee hours of the morning. So we ended up having a huge fight over this person and now my bf hides his phone from me which drives me even nuttier!! I wish i never started looking period.. This suspicion has become an obsession and is draining my energy levels...now i am suspicious over everything..this is no way to live.

[RecordProducer]

I agree that trust is important, but not after you've found suspicious things. "Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean they are not after me".

He could've deleted the messages because it takes a lot of the cell phone's memory. If the least innocent message was what he's doing that night then he probably doesn't have anything with her right now. But that doesn't mean he doesn't like her.

 

Actually if I were you, I would let him go further and continue to check his messages. Don't you want to know if he is up to somthing with this woman?

 

Regarding the invaded privacy, when you enter somebody's house with no permission and see a murder, it's still happening. Just because you shouldn't have been there in the first place doesn't mean you haven't seen anything and you're the bad guy.

[klahaniegal]

do you think it is resonable to just plainly ask to see his cell calls? I would show mine..

[RecordProducer]

do you think it is resonable to just plainly ask to see his cell calls? I would show mine..

 

In the long-run if he knows that she will see his cell phone history, he will delete all traces before showing the phone to her.

[sleeplessincnd]

RecordProducer: You are so right! My bf is still mad about me for having looked at his stuff. But I think that he is more mad b/c I found something - not invaded his privacy - he is making me out to be the bad guy. If there was nothing to find then there would be no issue.

 

insanelyjealous: don't let him turn this around on you! Be more concerned with what you found - not how you found it!

 

klahaniegal: you would show your cell b/c you have nothing to hide! that is what I thought when I took a peak at my bf's e-mail!

 

What I am doing right now is not explaining myself anymore - I think that he has some explaining to do and I am going to wait and let him do it. By telling him what you found and that you are sorry for finding it he has the ability to be mad at you. Don't let him - get the upperhand by telling him that he has to explain - not you!

 

At least this is what I am doing? Does anyone agree?

[klahaniegal]

yes.thus perpetuating the suspicion...driving one even crazier.

[sleeplessincnd]

Actually it has given me a real sense of relief to have decided to handle things this way. He has some explaining to do and by taking the blame for snooping you are letting him shift the attention off of his wrong doings.

 

So yes it is wrong to snoop ..... but only an issue if you find something!

 

And if he can't explain it or doesn't work to have you regain your trust he is not really in love with you and not worth the heartache.

 

Easier said than done....I know!

[RecordProducer]

By telling him what you found and that you are sorry for finding it he has the ability to be mad at you. Don't let him - get the upperhand by telling him that he has to explain - not you!

At least this is what I am doing? Does anyone agree?

I absolutely agree.

So yes it is wrong to snoop

 

Not at all...

[klahaniegal]

LOL well i confronted my guy last night over his phone and he gave it to me. There were calls for 2 weeks on it. My fears unfounded but then again erasing could have been done .. I actually think he was relieved . By the way, his change of attitude was due to the comment i made about ' us doing our own thing' for now on. He didnt like it at all , I guess I was bowing out of this cat and mouse game and he got scared. Its all too stupid.

[sleeplessincnd]

Good for you klahaniegal, I really hope the same thing works on my end. I have stepped back and left my man to figure out just what the heck he was doing! Good to hear that it might just work!

[insanelyjelous]

Thanx guys for all your advice,

 

We did have our disscussion where I told him that I had gone through his phone, He said he didn't know who the girl was and that they had only communicated through Text messages. Apparently she found his number in her phone under "My Baby" ( this is my pet name for him) So excuse me if i'm still a bit suspiscious. I asked him for her number so that I could speak to her because if he doesn't know her then there is no reason for her to be texting him and I'm more than happy to tell her this as he claims he does not want to talk to her, he said he'll give me her number when he gets back. ( He's in Belfast on business so this whole conversation was over the phone)

Anyway to cut a long story short he was a bit upset that I had looked through his phone, we talked about all the other issues and then I asked him if he wanted to end the conversation he did he then switched off his phone for the rest of the night ( I know because I sent a txt which he didn't get until after 3am this morning) So I have to assume he is pissed at me.

 

I guess we'll have a lot of taliking to do when he gets back

 

I'l keep you all posted

[LucreziaBorgia]

he said he'll give me her number when he gets back.

 

 

Isn't that convenient. There is no way you can trust anything she would say to you now. This gives them plenty of time to 'synch up' their stories. If he had nothing to hide, he would have given you her number right away.

 

This 'calling her' approach will no longer work, because he will have tipped her off about it. You'll have to consider some other ways of getting to the bottom of this.

[Tiny Dancer]

Apparently she found his number in her phone under "My Baby" ( this is my pet name for him) So excuse me if i'm still a bit suspiscious. I asked him for her number so that I could speak to her because if he doesn't know her then there is no reason for her to be texting him and I'm more than happy to tell her this as he claims he does not want to talk to her, he said he'll give me her number when he gets back.

 

I have to wonder about his explanation. How did his number get in her phone under "My Baby". I'm not very knowledgable about cell phone clones but could this be the case or not? Would your contact list (or parts of it) be captured if the phone was cloned? It doesn't sound right to me. You might consider checking with your phone co. or checking some of the cell phone forums to ask that question. (If your phone has been cloned then that's another matter that you would obviously want to clear up... as will your phone company... criminal charges can be brought against her!)

 

I also agree that if he had nothing to hide that he could have given you the number over the phone (or hung up, checked the number, and called you back; or if it's a cloned phone wouldn't it just show up as your number?) Also, why didn't he mention it to you earlier. That's a lot of txt from someone he doesn't know. If he's telling the truth it would seem to me that the large number of txt would be annoying to him and he would have mentioned it to you in general conversation.

 

I don't mean to fuel your suspicions but now that you've opened the can of worms can you really put your head back in the sand? From what you've said about your trust issues I rather doubt it. The truth can hurt and many times I've wished I didn't know the truth about my own situation, but I've invested 20 years in my marriage and have a young child. Although you've bought a house together do yourself a favor and do some research to get to the bottom of this before you invest any more time or money in this relationship. I personally don't think you should have to work this hard, or worry this much, so early on in your relationship.

[klahaniegal]

i agree with the last poster...Trust is a huge issue for me as i was married for 16 years to a man who died of a heart attack. Three months after he was dead i found out from several women that he had affairs with them. I was furious...I ended up going a bit wild , severed relationships both with so called friends and inlaws. So the end result being major suspicion in my new relations with men. I just wont put up with another liar. im sure it is not easy to live with me but hey "I wont be fooled again"