Boyfriend's lost his job and I don't know how to

[Leinad92]

Right. So my boyfriend of 7 months has recently lost his job.

 

Some backstory:

We've been close friends for 10 years and both belong to the same group of friends. I've had a crush on him for many years and we've always paired off on our own where we've helped each other through tight spots in our lives but I always felt I was out of his league.

 

I go to University/College in another City but the majority of my own friends have all moved on now and I've been so used to my own company and feeling like I wasn't much. Last year when I was back from Uni, I was at a party and the two of us ended up making out. We both pretended it didn't happen but the next week we ended up doing it again until I found myself making excuses to see him all the time. I've never met anyone who's made me feel like this before. At first ti was just amazing sex but we started going on dates and doing more things together and he's been the most amazing person I've ever known. He's funny, smart, handsome and genuinely helps me out through everything. It's like dating my best friend.

 

Well here's the thing. As long as I've known him, he's always been the life of the party, everyone's best friend and confident in what he does but things have turned a bit when at the beginning of December he found out the company he works for is closing down. I don't know all the details but apparently the owner had been stealing for years and now my boyfriend's lost his well paying niche of a job. He put a brave face on it at first and got through Christmas and an already booked holiday in January confident he'd find something else.

 

He's not stupid and is aware he's not gonna ind a job in the same field immediately so he's settled for anything he can get his hands on but he's having no luck. He's been for a few interviews and all of them have rejected him. Most of his applications don't even get a response. He's got himself a job at a book store but it's only 8 hours a week and he literally doesn't have enough money to do anything. He spends the little he has on the cost of living and then makes sure the two of us go out and do stuff even though I keep offering to pay for him.

 

Last week has gotten me down a bit. I've been back at University since the end of January and we've talked everyday. He wanted to come visit me at the end of February when he got paid as I am on my own here and pretty lonely without friends. He got here but I could already see he was a bit down and I only realised a few days in he had spent all his wages getting here and making sure I had a good week. I payed for some stuff to make sure he had money left and I don't mind as I just want him to stay happy.

He's become quite depressed and I can see he's beating himself up about it.

 

What's worse is that our group of friends always organise things like holidays and weekends doing stuff but he's now realised he can't afford to even go for drinks with anyone. I know a few of his best friends have offered to pay for drinks for him now and then but that's just made him feel worse about stuff. He vented a lot of his frustration at not being able to find a job on Tuesday before he left and honestly, he's just not seemed like he wants to talk since then. One of our Friends rang me today to say he spoke to my boyfriend last night about meeting up for a movie but he hung up on him and he's worried.

 

Another friend just got promoted as well which has really upset him. I'm not sure what to do. I'm trying to be there for him but his confidence has dropped rapidly and he doesn't seem to be able to find a better paying job.

[bathtub-row]

It’s very common for people - especially men - to get extremely depressed over the loss of a job, and being unemployed. It’s understandable as money plays a huge role in our lives. There’s probably not much you can do except be there for him, and help when you can without making him feel bad about. Say something like, “I know when you find a job, you’ll pay me back. Don’t worry about it.” But be careful about creating financial problems for yourself.

 

Perhaps he should move. Maybe his expertise is needed elsewhere. I remember once I was looking for a job and wasn’t getting any results and low responses. I live in one of the biggest cities in the nation and job competition is fierce. Later, I was thinking of moving and tried a place that was a great city but low population and I got responses like crazy. I didn’t end up moving (yet) and also changed my plans to doing real estate full time. Anyway, your bf may want to try another location or career. And, btw, real estate is great but you’ve got to work at it. But there are fantastic niches. It just takes a little money to go through the classes and to get income started so that may not be the best option for now.

 

I don’t know what his expertise is but I wonder if it would be possible for him to start his own company - replicating the one he worked for. It must’ve been successful and probably would’ve worked out had the owner not been an idiot. Just a thought. I’m always more for being self-employed than working for others.

 

One other thought is for him to work at a restaurant. It’s not glamorous necessarily - depending on where you work - but the money can be great and getting cash right away is fantastic when you’re hurting. Just about every college kid knows that trick.

Edited March 7, 2019 by bathtub-row

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm trying to be there for him but his confidence has dropped rapidly and he doesn't seem to be able to find a better paying job.

 

Other than provide support and encouragement, you can't solve this for him.

 

This is the type of challenge we all face on the transition to adulthood and throughout life. It would be nice to think everything goes our way, just rarely happens like that. If you looking at a longer term relationship with him, I'd guess you'll learn some valuable things about him as he figures this out.

 

Be a cheerleader for his prospects, just avoid the temptation to be a fixer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[some_username1]

This is practically my specialist subject because I spent more than a year unemployed despite having an exemplary career track record previously. When you have never had this problem and suddenly can't get a break, coupled with the judgement of society who all assume you are a waster it really does a number on your confidence and mindset. Throw in the angst when the rejection letters start rolling in and you can fall into some seriously bad and mentally debilitating habits like sleeping in, losing interest in your appearance and generally losing your pride because you feel like you have nothing to get up for and nothing to offer.

 

So my advice would be to impose yourself on him if necessary. His natural behaviour will be to shun others the longer it goes on. If you care about him you have to keep him engaged with the outside world as much as possible. Make it clear that you don't mind paying for stuff where possible so you can both socialise to some degree. Pride can really obstruct other people's attempts to help.

 

Empathy is also huge. I was dating a girl for a few months during the worst of it and she said the same as you, that she struggled to cope with my moods, I was also very bitter at my former employer because of their conduct during the redundancy process and I was quite often not good company. She really kept me on an even keel at times when I was struggling to stay that way myself. You really need to be surrounded by people who value you and appreciate that nobody owes you a job. This is massive because most people will have the attitude that jobs grow on trees snd they never consider that it is NOT your choice whether you are hired.

 

I'm not sure there is any magic formula to actually getting a job. The number one issue is just getting your CV seen someone so a 'quick win' for this is to be aware of key word searching when you apply for jobs, ie employment agencies will scan your CV for words and phrases and bin it if you don't meet the quota. The keywords are usually pretty obvious in the job description so as time consuming as it is you need to spend time altering your CV to match the ohrases in the job description. To save time what he can do (if aiming at a particular industry) is collate about 10 job descriptions from that industry and identify the most commonly used words for that industry and load his CV with those words (whilst remaining congruent and readable of course!). There are word cloud sites that can analyze web pages and help with this. Going to recruiters offices and being seen in person has helped me in the past although these days there are some real shysters working in that industry now so even being seen in person and being able to come across as a professional, competent person is not a guarantee of some work these days.

 

I re-wrote my CV sooo many times. The number of applications I sent out ground to a halt because the rejection became too much. What eventuslly worked for me was at the start of January as it was a new year i committed to sending 50 applications out thst month and committed to ignoring the rejections. On my 25th rejection I got a follow up to say that a similar post had come up and I got the job, it was 6 months temporary work but as they say it's easier to find a job when you have one.

 

Another more secure job came up after a few months and I moved into that one, on the day I left the temp job the boss told my colleagues that me leaving would be like losing an arm! I was flattered yet so angry thinking of all the judgement and the rejections when I had just proved that I'm a bloody good worker when given the chance. And that's what it comes down to-- you need to be given the chance but people don't think of that when they associate unemployment with you.

 

So all I can really say is make him keep his head up and just keep sending out CVs, it's a numbers gsme but you have to have help handling the rejection as it (literally in some cases) kills.

 

Hope this helps OP.