Just found out he is married....

[Pinknyc]

Met him on a reputable online dating site where he said he was not married and had no children. We've been dating and seeing each other (2-3x/wk, weekends, etc.) and said he's in love. My gut was telling me something was off. When I googled his name, it matched up to a doctor with the background he told me, but there was no picture. And thought the age seemed a few years off. I asked if he was married, and he said NO.

 

Just found out his real name. He is a doctor, he lied about:

 

- First and last name

- Age (said he was 15 years younger)

- Single status (seems he is married for over 20 yrs with an adult child)

- Where he works and went to school

- Where he lives (always thought his apt seemed not really lived in)

 

There are other lies. I am beyond shell-shocked, and livid. Was starting to fall for him, and he was starting to lay out a future.

 

This has never happened to me. How do I confront him? And what should I say? Feel like I need to do this in person. Why did he do this??

[Wallysbears]

I would not even waste your time with a face to face meeting with this lying jerk. I'd send him a text/screenshot of the details you've found, tell him he's a piece of **** and then have nothing further to do with him.

[elaine567]

I would avoid a face to face, he may not be be too pleased you found out his secret.

[Pinknyc]

I was going to meet him in a public space. So it would not be dangerous.

 

Feel I deserve an explanation as to why he did this to me. Also, he deserves to be called out, and if it was text or phone call, it’s easy to dismiss.

 

My feelings have already deepened from this love bombing over last 2 months. The reality is setting in...most of what he told me were lies. I am so hurt, thinking at age 50, I have finally found a good man. It’s very painful already.

[whichwayisup]

You are ending it, right? Meeting him face to face gives him the opportunity to try to rope you in even more. Meaning he's gonna lie and says he's married but he and his wife live separate lives, he doesn't have sex with her, he's gonna divorce her etc..etc.. I just hope you don't believe his lies, especially since he has already proven to you he IS a great liar and manipulator!

 

Just a thought, maybe it would be best to tell him you have no interest in dating a MM and you have much more love and respect for yourself and don't want to waste another minute on him.

[mark clemson]

I was going to meet him in a public space. So it would not be dangerous.

 

Feel I deserve an explanation as to why he did this to me. Also, he deserves to be called out, and if it was text or phone call, it’s easy to dismiss.

 

My feelings have already deepened from this love bombing over last 2 months. The reality is setting in...most of what he told me were lies. I am so hurt, thinking at age 50, I have finally found a good man. It’s very painful already.

 

 

I think you and all of us know exactly why he did this. He wanted to cheat on his wife.

 

FWIW you have my sympathy for how you feel (and I suspect many others'). What he did is awful. Be very glad that at least you found this out now.

 

I think you know exactly what to do at this point...

[JuneL]

OP: Didn’t you think this guy is too good to be true? So you didn’t know his real name until after two months dating him??

[Wallysbears]

He's a manipulative liar. That's why he did this. He doesn't care about anyone else other than his own ego and his own selfish desires. He will lie to you and spin some sad story if you meet him in person. Save yourself the drama.

[elaine567]

So you didn’t know his real name until after two months dating him??

 

 

She knew his name, only it wasn't his real name.

 

You need to run far away from a guy like this.

[JuneL]

She knew his name, only it wasn't his real name.

 

You need to run far away from a guy like this.

 

Okay, how did you find out his real name? I have a thought...you can sign up for an appointment to see him as his patient and shock him

[lolita888]

Really.... I still wonder how can some men be so cruel as to pretend that they are not married just to get someone to bed.

 

 

 

I have been a victim like you; except that one I know his real name, his home address, his children's name and birthdays and even his grandchildren's name and birthday. Heh! I even know the name of their family pet and his married son's pet. I know almost everything about him except that he's still married.

So you are not alone and I know how painful it is. It's a good thing that you found out about it before it gets worst.

 

 

I actually have been thinking about it too, what would've been the best revenge. Maybe depends on the situation but if you can contact his wife then contact it. IF not - then tell him he bored you out and that you really see nothing good from him. That you do not really find him that handsome or hot. And that he looked older for his age and that you found someone more interesting and hotter and then say goodbye.

Edited March 7, 2019 by lolita888

[lolita888]

I was going to meet him in a public space. So it would not be dangerous.

 

Feel I deserve an explanation as to why he did this to me. Also, he deserves to be called out, and if it was text or phone call, it’s easy to dismiss.

 

My feelings have already deepened from this love bombing over last 2 months. The reality is setting in...most of what he told me were lies. I am so hurt, thinking at age 50, I have finally found a good man. It’s very painful already.

I know that this is painful for you but I do not think you will get a proper explanation from someone like him.

 

 

It's either he will ignore you and find a new victim or make a "story" on how sad his marriage life is and how bad his wife is etc. to keep you interested.

 

 

 

Just tell him you are not interested. That he is boring to be with and that you don't find him sexually attractive.

[JuneL]

I don’t think it’s super hard for him to find an affair partner, as doctors are the top occupation in an affair website.

 

One has to be a sociopath to do this. Unfortunately I don’t think you’re the first or the last victim of his.

[elaine567]

One has to be a sociopath to do this

 

Or something similar, he didn't just hide the fact he was married he concocted a whole new identity.

Scary stuff.

[Orokotikki]

The "why" is obvious, so he could bed someone outside of his marriage.

 

That is exactly "why".

 

You do not need to get a "why" from him, you are just giving an opportunity for another compelling lie so he can convince you to let him drag it out further, or demonize his wife, or some other nonsense.

 

Tell his wife and cut him out of your life.

[darkmoon]

tell the agency that he is a fake... they want a decent customer experience, creep-free

[Normm]

Feel I deserve an explanation as to why he did this to me. Also, he deserves to be called out

 

 

Your thinking is all wrong. He knows he's lying to you, you won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know and you probably won't be the first or the last. Your best response is to go dark, cut him off and don't speak to him again. Let him wonder where you went. He'll probably guess correctly but he'll never know for sure. Confronting him won't give you any answers, the most you'll get is "Yeah I was going to tell you about her, the marriage is over for all practical purposes and we're going to get divorced soon we're just staying together for the kids" or some derivation of that.

 

 

 

Guys like this do it because they like having sex with different women and they get a power high off of the manipulation and deception. They lack morals and your best interests, needs and feelings are of no consequence to them.

[Normm]

He also could very well respond in anger. "How dare you check up on me and do a background check and invade my privacy like that! We are finished, don't call me ever again!" And then he'll just turn and walk away and leave you standing there feeling rather puzzled.

 

Seen it before. The best defense is a good offense.

 

Adding one last thing. You say he "deserves to be called out". As if it matters. As if the world is a fair place. As if all your fellow planetary inhabitants necessarily care about people other than themselves. Some do. Many don't. Criminals get away with murder. Business people get away without paying all their taxes. Lots of divorced dad's don't pay child support. Married guys get away with bonking unsuspecting innocent women who think they met the man of their dreams. You aren't going to fix the world by complaining to this guy about how you feel about the deception. He doesn't care and neither does anyone else.

 

Next time do your homework. Many or most experienced dating women know a lot about the guy before they're sitting across from him at a restaurant. Nowadays it's easy enough to find out about a guy and if not, well that's a red flag in of itself. Even if you don't do a background check, at least keep your eyes open for red flags. No dating profile picture, why not? Unless he's an undercover detective there's virtually no good reason to not post a picture other than being in a relationship with someone else. Add to that the zillion other red flags that go along with dating a married guy- lack of availability at odd times but typically in a pattern, including no phone calls at night (because he's home with his wife) and other unusual activity that was probably staring you right in the face the whole time.

Edited March 7, 2019 by Normm

[preraph]

Block him every way possible and if you want to, let his wife know. He's just wanting variety sex and willing to act any way he needs to to get it. He doesn't know what love is.

[Normm]

My guess is his wife won't be the least bit surprised or even care. I mean the guy has his own apartment and enough leisurely time to hang out with the new girl on a regular basis for months. Things can't be all that cozy at home. My guess is that's exactly what he'll say when she disregards the advice on this thread and meets him to demand an explanation. "Well yeah, I'm technically married but we don't get along and have nothing to do with each other so I just say I'm not married it's not really a bad lie or anything given the circumstances". The only guess I can't make is whether or not she'll buy into it and keep seeing the guy, I'm 60/40 in favor of the relationship probably continuing despite the omission.

[preraph]

Yeah, there's lot of women willing to look the other way if the guy has money and is rarely underfoot.

[Vivir]

I concur with Normm:

 

Your thinking is all wrong. He knows he's lying to you, you won't be telling him anything he doesn't already know and you probably won't be the first or the last. Your best response is to go dark, cut him off and don't speak to him again.

 

Two of Normm's posts just above need to be reiterated and bolded and stapled to the top of your thread, OP. These words need to be seared into your brain. You're not going to tell this person anything he doesn't already know. He may even turn the tables on you for looking into his life for the truth...

 

Actually, there is a flashing neon red sign I am imagining: DANGER!

 

The OP has given a LIST of items this person has lied about. A LIST! Go dark. Cut him off. Never speak to him again. Ever.

 

Go dark. He doesn't deserve or require an explanation. He is a proven liar, and anything he will say to you is highly likely to be more lies. You won't be able to see your way out of the confusion he will create.

 

Go dark.

 

You've been warned.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm with Normm. I'd ghost him.

 

Maybe the right thing to do is to contact his wife but I'm not sure I would.

 

This guy seems so experienced and manipulative that I bet he'd lie his way out of it with the wife. Also, bet the wife already has a clue as to whom she's married.

 

I think I'd just disappear without another word, or taking another call.

[Pinknyc]

Thank you all for the advice. It's really appreciated.

 

We have NOT had sex yet, and he has not been pushy about it, so his motivation perplexes me. Even single men would have possibly run off after 2 months of no sex.

 

I never knew doctors were notorious cheaters on these websites. Given websites out there that cater to married men looking for affairs, why look on eHarmony, a legitimate, Christian-based dating website? And to the person who mentioned making an appt at his doctor's office, that is funny, except for the fact he works in the intensive care unit.

 

I'm not comfortable telling his wife. It's rarely appreciated, and she will likely remain in the marriage.

 

And I agree that what he did may be borderline sociopathic because I did do my due diligence. He gave me a name of a doctor matching his specialty, matching his schools and training, background, except when I checked the age was a few years off but assumed it was a mistake. And the hospital website verified this info, minus a picture. I didn't think I needed to ask for someone's driver's license to verify a name.

 

Unlike many married men who cheat, he paid with a credit card. He was able to go out for 8-10 hour dates on the weekend, and also weeknight dates. We spoke on the phone for long periods of time at night. He took me to his place (which I found oddly sparse, almost not lived in, which started my suspicion). He flatly denied being married and I had no other way of knowing.

 

So the extent of the lying is what makes me think it is more sociopathic. It's not just the marital status, but assuming the identity of another doctor, lying about other basics.

 

And it's true that his reaction may be angry, and that's not something I want to deal with. He may not feel contrite, and even if he did, it's disingenuous, right?

[Normm]

And it's true that his reaction may be angry, and that's not something I want to deal with. He may not feel contrite, and even if he did, it's disingenuous, right?

 

 

It's irrelevant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....