Just found out he is married....

[Normm]

And it's true that his reaction may be angry, and that's not something I want to deal with. He may not feel contrite, and even if he did, it's disingenuous, right?

 

 

It's irrelevant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....

[stillafool]

Who cares about any of that. The fact is he is a married man who lied to you about his status. When he calls or texts to ask to see you just simply tell him you don't date married men and hang up and block him from ever reaching you again. Simple.

[lolita888]

Thank you all for the advice. It's really appreciated.

 

We have NOT had sex yet, and he has not been pushy about it, so his motivation perplexes me. Even single men would have possibly run off after 2 months of no sex.

 

I never knew doctors were notorious cheaters on these websites. Given websites out there that cater to married men looking for affairs, why look on eHarmony, a legitimate, Christian-based dating website? And to the person who mentioned making an appt at his doctor's office, that is funny, except for the fact he works in the intensive care unit.

 

I'm not comfortable telling his wife. It's rarely appreciated, and she will likely remain in the marriage.

 

And I agree that what he did may be borderline sociopathic because I did do my due diligence. He gave me a name of a doctor matching his specialty, matching his schools and training, background, except when I checked the age was a few years off but assumed it was a mistake. And the hospital website verified this info, minus a picture. I didn't think I needed to ask for someone's driver's license to verify a name.

 

Unlike many married men who cheat, he paid with a credit card. He was able to go out for 8-10 hour dates on the weekend, and also weeknight dates. We spoke on the phone for long periods of time at night. He took me to his place (which I found oddly sparse, almost not lived in, which started my suspicion). He flatly denied being married and I had no other way of knowing.

 

So the extent of the lying is what makes me think it is more sociopathic. It's not just the marital status, but assuming the identity of another doctor, lying about other basics.

 

And it's true that his reaction may be angry, and that's not something I want to deal with. He may not feel contrite, and even if he did, it's disingenuous, right?

 

 

My take on this is that he and his wife have a good partnership where they both have enough privacy - never looked on each other's bill etc. And that she is as busy as him (probably a nurse or a doctor too).

It's like they share the expenses but still both independent from each other - financially.

 

 

The Evil MM who did that to me is also like that. He goes home and the pile of bills will still be in the mail box or table and not opened (so I thought no one take care of it for him).

I get to talk to him in the night and saw him lay on bed alone at night. Wake up alone and prepare to go to work and leave the house alone. I watched him do his house work alone. I saw him on weekends. I saw him when he's in park with his granddaughter taking care of his alone. He use Credit Card too.

 

I saw him sleep stayed in hotel for half a year when his worked called out for him in another branch.

 

 

Basically for years I saw him doing everything alone. But at the same time I saw some odd sign... which I eventually decided to ignore because they how can it be?

 

 

So my take is that, his wife is equally as successful as him. She may not be a housewife but a career woman. The fact that he has that time to do all of that with you means she's in busy time of year. But once they only meet each other when both of their schedules allowed them.

 

 

They are indeed scary. I don't know but IMO - he wouldn't be that much affected if you just suddenly disappear. He may stop wondering but will eventually move on to find someone else. OR he may be he have a backup... or extra woman aside from you.

But yeah Go take a revenge the way you wanted to. or do what you think will give you a peace of mind and move on.

Edited March 8, 2019 by lolita888

[assertives]

I'd say ghost him too. If you really feel like it, tell the other doctor that his identity was stolen and used on a dating site to pick up women. The other doctor should be mortified unless they are in cahoots.

[JuneL]

Since he works in the ICU, his hours may be irregular. So he can always come up with excuses for working late or staying in the hospital for the weekend. Some couples have individual accounts for individual expenses, too.

 

He may live far from the marital home, and that’s why he needs the extra apartment.

Edited March 8, 2019 by JuneL

[JuneL]

OP: I’m curious as to how you found out his real name? Does he not look a lot older than he claimed?

[Pinknyc]

Yes, with ICU, he can have irregular hours, but for some reason, he's always been able to meet at normal hours. So I was not tipped off. Plus, there have many weekends where he'll spend the entire day together, so it's not pockets of time.

 

I found out his name after finding the real estate agency he rented the apt through, and then contacting that broker. Told him that he lost his copy of the lease, and needed another one. And that I was his secretary and he didn't have time to pick it up. Thankfully, he didn't ask me for his name. I figured to rent an apt, he'd need to show different forms of ID, and so that name had to be real.

[elaine567]

It gets worse.

So he actually rented an apartment to fool you or other women?

[JuneL]

Yes, with ICU, he can have irregular hours, but for some reason, he's always been able to meet at normal hours. So I was not tipped off. Plus, there have many weekends where he'll spend the entire day together, so it's not pockets of time.

 

I found out his name after finding the real estate agency he rented the apt through, and then contacting that broker. Told him that he lost his copy of the lease, and needed another one. And that I was his secretary and he didn't have time to pick it up. Thankfully, he didn't ask me for his name. I figured to rent an apt, he'd need to show different forms of ID, and so that name had to be real.

 

Okay you really went out of your way to find out his true identity (well you must be very suspicious then). IÂ’m surprised the realtor would just let you pick up his lease without confirming with him. In such a situation, I imagine a more professional realtor would at least ask him to write an email giving authorization.

[Pinknyc]

June L - yes, I was suspicious that the apt seemed not lived in, and had very few personal items, like clothes. Looked more like an Airbnb (but I checked on that site, and no listing). The apt is not in a good area so the realtor was less professional. Re: his age, he looked like a few years older than his stated age, but certainly not 15 years older.

 

Elaine - I'm not sure if he rented this place as show for me, or more likely, he's been cheating for awhile, and this is his front apt.

[Mrs._December]

Met him on a reputable online dating site where he said he was not married and had no children. We've been dating and seeing each other (2-3x/wk, weekends, etc.) and said he's in love. My gut was telling me something was off. When I googled his name, it matched up to a doctor with the background he told me, but there was no picture. And thought the age seemed a few years off. I asked if he was married, and he said NO.

 

Just found out his real name. He is a doctor, he lied about:

 

- First and last name

- Age (said he was 15 years younger)

- Single status (seems he is married for over 20 yrs with an adult child)

- Where he works and went to school

- Where he lives (always thought his apt seemed not really lived in)

 

There are other lies. I am beyond shell-shocked, and livid. Was starting to fall for him, and he was starting to lay out a future.

 

This has never happened to me. How do I confront him? And what should I say? Feel like I need to do this in person. Why did he do this??

Do what I did when I discovered someone I was getting close to was actually a scumbag married man pretending to be single in order to trick me into a relationship with him.

 

 

Find his wife and tell her everything. Make sure to include pictures, voicemails, emails, texts - everything.

 

 

The moment I found out, the gloves came off. If someone could go to THOSE lengths to disrespect me, then I owed him absolutely NOTHING.

 

 

Tell this dirt-bag's wife.

[Mrs._December]

I'm not comfortable telling his wife. It's rarely appreciated, and she will likely remain in the marriage.

So you're going to help him keep his dirty little secret from his wife, then? Why on earth would you want to protect this POS? Because that's what you'd be doing - protecting him.

 

Ask yourself this. Are you angry that he was able to get away with conning you so badly?

 

Do you think that just maybe, if the woman he did this to before you (and trust me, you're not the first) had done the right thing and told his wife, that there's probably a good chance he wouldn't have been in a position to do this to YOU???

 

This is how these scumbags get away with their crap again and again and again - women choosing not to expose them to their wives for the cheating, using low lives they are. And this loser will just go right back to the drawing board and find himself another victim, and another innocent woman will be taken advantage of as the cycle just keeps repeating itself.

[Pinknyc]

I disagree that it is protecting him by not telling his wife.

 

One, you don't know if the wife already knows. Likely he has already been exposed many times by other women, but she keeps taking him back. You're assuming the wife would have reacted -- I think most women take back cheating spouses.

 

Two, I'm a single woman, and do not need to be potentially harassed by two angry people. If anything, I would be the one exposed. I'm sure he will spin some yarn that the wife will believe.

 

Of course I'm angry about it, but I believe in taking the higher road.

[Normm]

Of course I'm angry about it, but I believe in taking the higher road.

 

 

You're worried about getting harassed by 2 angry people. This is about self preservation. Not that there's anything wrong with it but it isn't some sort of "high road".

[FMW]

Pinknyc, I think you should follow your own instincts. If you don't want to tell his wife then don't. I understand wanting to just put it behind you and have no further involvement.

 

As you said, you're not likely his first nor his last. And it's likely she knows, or at least suspects. If she ever contacts you then yes, be honest and tell her your experience. But I wouldn't seek her out, so I understand where you're coming from.

 

My xH cheated on me. I knew something was up, I didn't need another woman to tell me about it. And I certainly would not have appreciated it.

 

Maybe she enjoys the life of a doctor's wife and turns a blind eye as long as he is somewhat discreet - like renting a separate apartment for his get-togethers.

 

I understand your higher road comment to the extent that telling the BW often seems at least as much to do with getting revenge and lashing out in anger as it does in actually wanting to help another woman see the truth.

 

And as to further contact to get an explanation - I would NOT do that. Ghost him. Ignore him from here on out.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Finding my way

[Turning point]

I agree with others who have said you should not meet or confront this person. It could be dangerous, or just provoke a lot of harassment.

 

The amount of effort he put into this deception is very disturbing, and it's predatory.

 

Stay away and do not contact or respond to him.

 

Pleas file a local police report regarding your experience. A record of this guy needs to exist in order to protect you or other women who may be scammed or harmed by this guy. What he did is not okay and any community police agency would want to have a guy like this on their radar.

Edited March 9, 2019 by Turning point

[JuneL]

Or you can send a letter to his hospital and address the letter to the real him, telling him not to contact you again or you’ll file a restraining order. It would be super costly for him to stalk you, as it may affect his medical license.

Edited March 9, 2019 by JuneL

[S2B]

I disagree that it is protecting him by not telling his wife.

 

One, you don't know if the wife already knows. Likely he has already been exposed many times by other women, but she keeps taking him back. You're assuming the wife would have reacted -- I think most women take back cheating spouses.

 

Two, I'm a single woman, and do not need to be potentially harassed by two angry people. If anything, I would be the one exposed. I'm sure he will spin some yarn that the wife will believe.

 

Of course I'm angry about it, but I believe in taking the higher road.

 

Staying silent when you know she is the also the victim of his lies makes you the perfect accomplice.

 

Consider having a voice. Speak your truth.

 

No consequences means he will victimize more women.

[Pinknyc]

My xH cheated on me. I knew something was up, I didn't need another woman to tell me about it. And I certainly would not have appreciated it.

 

I understand your higher road comment to the extent that telling the BW often seems at least as much to do with getting revenge and lashing out in anger as it does in actually wanting to help another woman see the truth.

***

Findingmyway, thanks for understanding. I personally believe telling his wife is more vengeful than helpful. And if a wife is not ready to receive it, then it's futile. If she contacted me, I would tell her.

 

For me, I'm not comfortable ghosting anyone, even when they've wronged me! Will just say I don't think we're compatible and my best wishes.

[JuneL]

Staying silent when you know she is the also the victim of his lies makes you the perfect accomplice.

 

Consider having a voice. Speak your truth.

 

No consequences means he will victimize more women.

 

I think it’s unfair to criticize the OP for not wanting anything to do with the guy. Not everyone is in the position to be a martyr, if doing that is going to put her in a compromised position. If his wife is so oblivious (this guy has been spending so much time with the OP), then it’s likely she can easily be manipulated. Or perhaps she just enjoys the status of being a doctor’s wife and doesn’t care if he has 10 other side pieces.

[S2B]

I think it’s unfair to criticize the OP for not wanting anything to do with the guy. Not everyone is in the position to be a martyr, if doing that is going to put her in a compromised position. If his wife is so oblivious (this guy has been spending so much time with the OP), then it’s likely she can easily be manipulated. Or perhaps she just enjoys the status of being a doctor’s wife and doesn’t care if he has 10 other side pieces.

 

Criticize? No, nice try.

 

Last time I checked it was a forum for sugggestions.

 

You make a lot of excuses to keep a woman silent. There’s a price to pay for that.

[Normm]

I'm not seeing the post as criticism either, rather a suggestion, an additional option to pursue- i.e. telling his wife.

 

 

That much being said if I was in that position I'd just disappear and not say a word. Not my problem, I'm not looking to save the world. Not up to me to fix other people's problems and if anyone else false victim to his trap it's because they didn't do their research. Nowadays anyone with half a brain is going to make use of the tons of readily available information on just about anyone they meet.

[JuneL]

I'm not seeing the post as criticism either, rather a suggestion, an additional option to pursue- i.e. telling his wife.

 

 

That much being said if I was in that position I'd just disappear and not say a word. Not my problem, I'm not looking to save the world. Not up to me to fix other people's problems and if anyone else false victim to his trap it's because they didn't do their research. Nowadays anyone with half a brain is going to make use of the tons of readily available information on just about anyone they meet.

 

S2B did call her an “accomplice”, no?

[Normm]

Yeah but so what.

[S2B]

S2B did call her an “accomplice”, no?

 

The silence is what makes any victim an accomplice.

 

Just the same as all the women being victimized in the me too movement... their previous silence helped the perpetrator find more victims.

 

If someone is doing you wrong - have a voice and say so.