Married woman and I thought we were soulmates, then she cheated on me

[EStreetJC]

I met her on Reddit eighteen months ago; she was married yet extremely unhappy. Her husband was inattentive and verbally abusive to her, she said. He was just *mean.* Nothing she said set off any warning bells in my head. I believed her. We met in person three times from December 2017 to January 2019 and fell extremely in love. We both struggle with mental illness; she’s in treatment and I was not. She asked me to move down by her last September and I initially said no because my anxiety was triggered big time, but I knew I was wrong and pushed hard to bring myself around, but she never forgot that first rejection. We went through periods where she'd go away and try to recommit to her marriage (her husband knew what she was doing and some of her absences were because he found out) but it never lasted long. She’d write poems for me, send me birthday gifts, etc. I believed I had found my soulmate, and so did she. I believed we’d be different from her marriage because we understood each other so much. We were each other’s best friend.

 

She and her husband finally separated in February, but had unofficially separated in January. She had promised during her visit in January that she was done leaving my life, and we spoke of how much we wanted to be together, but then she flew into a panic when she got home about how she was crazy unhappy and felt she should be “alone with no commitments.” We went through another dry period of not talking much and we never formally ended things. I checked her Reddit account two weeks ago to find that she's already planned a visit with another dude she met on there all of two months ago. She told me she still cares about me deeply but couldn't wait anymore for me to seek treatment for my depression (which I have since remedied and I have my first appointment in two weeks), and she was "so worried about my emotional state" that she was afraid to tell me until she "could explain it better." Further checking of her reddit has her telling people they met just before Christmas and decided to become official after two weeks, obviously before she visited me in January. So…yeah.

 

We limped along for the last two weeks. She was so cold and distant, like she’d lost all her love for me in the span of a month, like nothing we’d been through in the last eighteen months even mattered. I just took the step of cutting her out of my life, and I am left devastated and feeling so impossibly alone. It seemed like she didn’t even care by the end. She met me after four months of us talking, this new guy after only two. Like I got wiped out of her consciousness completely.

 

I come asking for advice, guidance, and insight into what might have motivated her actions and exactly what the hell I just went through. This was my first time ever being cheated on, and it does feel like cheating. Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true? Was I even cheated on at all? Was she just using me the entire time?

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited March 8, 2019 by EStreetJC

[mark clemson]

I think in your other thread you mentioned she has borderline personality disorder. I'm not a therapist, but my laymen's understanding is that that disorder can cause people to "turn against" others suddenly, with less good reason, and more drastically than is normal.

 

So, that may explain at least part of it, possibly a significant part.

 

Also, you mentioned that you struggle with mental health issues yourself. Please be sure to maintain your treatment. My guess would be that that is the best course for the time being.

 

FWIW, I am hoping for the best for you.

[BaileyB]

Nothing she said set off any warning bells in my head.

 

Not even the part where she told you that she was married? And, cheating on her husband?

 

Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” true?

 

It seems to be in this case...

 

My friend, be glad that you learned the truth about this woman before you got more involved than you already are. Focus on your own health and well being. It will get better with time.

[anika99]

I spent several years in a relationship with a guy with BPD and I can attest to the fact that people with this disorder are highly emotionally unstable and volatile. They alternate between idolizing people and then devaluing people. When they idolize you feel like the greatest person in the world, like you can walk on water, but you can just as easily be discarded and forgotten, and for no logical reason.

 

Also what she said about her husband probably isn't even true. I used to bend over backwards for my BPD bf, trying to make him feel loved and secure. Put up with way more than any self respecting person ever would. None of it mattered. He told outright lies to other people about me. He may me sound like a heartless selfish monster, meanwhile my whole life revolved around him and his needs. You dodged a bullet. She would have made you miserable over time. Things aren't going to last with the new guy either but if she comes calling on you again don't answer. She is a trainwreck and you are better off without her.