abrucas Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 i deeply love my wife, we have been together 15 yrs, married for 10. Somewhere along the way, I feel she gave up on taking care of herself. She put on so much weight, I'm just not attracted to her anymore. When we 1st started dating, we spoke of likes and dislikes as most people do. She stated she has never been attracted to asian or oriental men. I said I have never been attracted to heavy women. As time went on she started putting on pounds, I tried talking to her about it several times. The end result each time was worse than if I told her I sold our children for a pack of gum. We are in counseling, (my demand), and I tried talking about this all. She yelled I shouldn't judge her, I'm not judging, just being honest. As she has demanded over and over to just be honest with her. I stated, just being honest, if she looked like she does when we first met, we wouldn't be together now. I workout a lot, I've begged her to workout with me, which ends in fights. Her idea of working out is going to a spin class once a week, then rehydrating with a wine bottle. My coworkers, and children from my 1st marriage all say they can't see her being my type. I love her intensely, but I've passed the point of thinking about other women when we have sex to simply cringing at the thought of being with her sexually. I am made to feel like I'm in the wrong for not being attracted to her. I commonly find myself resisting the urge to talk to other women, if only to be used by them as a relief in their boring marriages so I can feel attraction through the acts of sex. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 (edited) There is no justification to cheat. MC is a waste of time. Your wife needs IC. She won't go to IC divorce her. IC does not work for her, try another IC. Still no good divorce her. Edited March 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 You have the right to divorce your wife if you are not physically attracted to her and you are unhappy in your marriage. You do not have the right to cheat on her. Especially if this is a second marriage and you don’t have young children. End your marriage and date whoever you want... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 iI commonly find myself resisting the urge to talk to other women, if only to be used by them as a relief in their boring marriages so I can feel attraction through the acts of sex. Any suggestions? Yes. Grow up. Also, divorce your wife because sir, you don't deserve her, and I expect that you are either already cheating or you have someone in mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 There is no justification to cheat. MC is a waste of time. Your wife needs IC. She won't go to IC divorce her. IC does not work for her, try another IC. Still no good divorce her. How do we know his wife needs counseling? It could be she gained 20 pounds, but to her fitness loving husband, that's a major crime. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Since your wife refuses to do anything about her weight gain and you can't stand having sex with her, plus the resentment you feel for her, I guess the next step is to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I agree with the others. Don't cheat. Divorce your wife and you will both be free to pursue others honestly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 How do we know his wife needs counseling? It could be she gained 20 pounds, but to her fitness loving husband, that's a major crime. She doesn’t need counselling. She has gained weight, that doesn’t usually require therapy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 What is "so much weight"? Are we talking 20-30 lbs or are we talking 200 lbs? How many children has she had? How closely together and how long ago was the last child? How was she built before and how is she built now? Are there any underlying medical conditions? How old are you guys? Oh, and none of this justifies cheating in any way, shape or form. Divorce before you cheat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Yep to all the above - divorce BEFORE you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abrucas Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Yes. Grow up. Also, divorce your wife because sir, you don't deserve her, and I expect that you are either already cheating or you have someone in mind. I haven't done anything, other than talk, beg, and pray. I said to her I was coming from a very loving warm place. We are in counseling only because I said we needed it otherwise we are done. This was the 2nd time pressing the issue, the 1st time I just went by myself. All I want is a little effort from her, I shouldn't have to threaten her for counseling, or to take care of her body. We get just one of these things. I told her she wasn't born drinking daily, she has no problem doing that, but working out is asking her to chew off her right arm. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abrucas Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Thanks all, my path is clear Link to post Share on other sites
vinnyfl Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Wait until you get old like us. I love my wife no matter what she looks like now. When she asked me how can I still find her desirable I told her that when I look at her I still see the 19 year old girl I married 47 years ago. That is what loves does. How can you say you love someone and in the same breath say that you do not find them sexually attractive? That is the kind of love between family members, not a husband and wife. I sometimes wonder if some people really know what true love is. I was a hot guy that my wife was surprised that I even asked for a date. Now I gained weight and my hair is falling out. My wife was 80 lbs. and had a tight little body when we married. She is not like that anymore and has grey hair and medical problems. She has handicapped plates and yet I still get aroused around her. To me that is true love. Not the type of love that you have based on the external looks of someone. I feel so sorry for your wife because you are more interested in how she looks than who she is. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 How old is your wife OP? Once a woman reaches menopause and for a few years beforehand the body starts to store fat much more than before and it can be very very difficult for a menopausal woman to lose weight. If you don't believe me just google "menopause weight gain". The struggle is real. You want to be the OM? So you want to have an affair with a married woman? Because you are unhappily married you want to become the OM in another person's marriage? That sounds pretty messed up. Just get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 The issue really isnt her weight Its that she stopped taking care of herself I’ve had 5 kids and I have managed to keep my weight mostly the same theoughout 15 years. Because I make myself a priority and my self care is important. I actually dont think this is shallow if shes drinking a lot and possibly dealing depression. My AP is similar to you, active and healthy lifestyle. His wife has gained about 100lbs in the last 15 years. I doubt it helped the marriage any. I think you should be honest about your feelings. Because either she will realize she needs to take care of herself, give up or you can leave. You cant be responsible for someone else to manage their mental and phyical health. Link to post Share on other sites
oldtruck Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I haven't done anything, other than talk, beg, and pray. I said to her I was coming from a very loving warm place. We are in counseling only because I said we needed it otherwise we are done. This was the 2nd time pressing the issue, the 1st time I just went by myself. All I want is a little effort from her, I shouldn't have to threaten her for counseling, or to take care of her body. We get just one of these things. I told her she wasn't born drinking daily, she has no problem doing that, but working out is asking her to chew off her right arm. MC is a waste she needs IC. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 How much does she drink? This may be the real issue. Do you think she has a problem with alcohol? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I guess the weight gain and the drinking are attempts by her to self soothe and self medicate. You see the weight gain as being the main issue, I guess she doesn't. The problem no doubt runs a lot deeper. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Every one will become old , gain weight or loose shape.For those who brag abut being in shape , one day u will understand that it can't be endless. Equilibrium is the he most imp thing to bodies And selfishness is the worst to soul Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) I love my wife no matter what she looks like now. When she asked me how can I still find her desirable I told her that when I look at her I still see the 19 year old girl I married 47 years ago. What a great post. OP, Has it occurred to you that your wife might be clever enough to know exactly how to get rid of you? Edited March 9, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Wait until you get old like us. I love my wife no matter what she looks like now. When she asked me how can I still find her desirable I told her that when I look at her I still see the 19 year old girl I married 47 years ago. That is what loves does. I agree, this warms my heart. This is the kind of marriage my parents had, and it’s the kind of marriage I hope to have. There are a whole lot of assumptions being made in this discussion. We don’t know if she has gained 15 pounds or 50 pounds. We don’t know if she has two glasses of wine for dinner or if she’s drinks the whole bottle... and yet, there is talk about counselling, self medication, and alcohol abuse. I would say, let’s not jump to conclusions and assume the worst. And let’s remember, nobody is able to avoid the aging process and true love runs deeper than physical beauty. Link to post Share on other sites
Twistedlove Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Wait until you get old like us. I love my wife no matter what she looks like now. When she asked me how can I still find her desirable I told her that when I look at her I still see the 19 year old girl I married 47 years ago. That is what loves does. How can you say you love someone and in the same breath say that you do not find them sexually attractive? That is the kind of love between family members, not a husband and wife. I sometimes wonder if some people really know what true love is. I was a hot guy that my wife was surprised that I even asked for a date. Now I gained weight and my hair is falling out. My wife was 80 lbs. and had a tight little body when we married. She is not like that anymore and has grey hair and medical problems. She has handicapped plates and yet I still get aroused around her. To me that is true love. Not the type of love that you have based on the external looks of someone. I feel so sorry for your wife because you are more interested in how she looks than who she is. You’re judging him for judging his wife. I mean I’m almost 40 two kids later and I go to the gym daily sometimes twice a day (once cardio) ( 2nd time weights. It’s not that horrible for him to want his wife to look and feel great. Even more so for her health. I’m sure the bottles of wine a night aren’t the fruit she needs?this is typical for women to let themself go. Why wouldn’t you wanna look your best and be sexy? Link to post Share on other sites
Twistedlove Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 I guess the weight gain and the drinking are attempts by her to self soothe and self medicate. You see the weight gain as being the main issue, I guess she doesn't. The problem no doubt runs a lot deeper. I disagree , most women:men become lazy as they are comfortable Proven fact. Unless you have that state of mind ,’you will let yourself slip further Link to post Share on other sites
Twistedlove Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 I swear half the women on here are so judge mental and plain nasty. I love the ones that point their finger and judge. Just wait little Angels, one day you many find yourself not a not so moral situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 OP, you may be doing yourself a disservice by constantly talking to your wife about her weight. Look, when we gain weight, we see it in the mirror. We start to hate ourselves. The last thing we need is our SO telling us we need to get in shape. Because the exact opposite will happen. You'll make her hate herself more and she certainly wont be motivated then to take action. Maybe start cooking healthier meals. Or do the grocery shopping so that it is only healthy options. Maybe on a Saturday suggest some active activity that will get her moving. Dont discuss her weight, you wont get a good result. Also, what does she have on her plate right now? Link to post Share on other sites
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