Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?

[WasOtherWoman]

Here's something I never understood. As an OW, I felt i held all the cards. I was the single one, I was the one with all of the choices, all of the options and all of the freedom. Maybe i have too high of an opinion of myself, but i really felt like I was the prize. He was the one that needed to worry about what I was doing when we were not together. I already knew what he was doing.

 

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?

[Wallysbears]

Because they aren't? The very nature of being the "other" means you are an interloper in an already established relationship. There is no power in that position.

[WasOtherWoman]

Cannot argue about being an "interloper", of course that is true. And I am not trying to create a "pro affair" post.

 

That has nothing to do with holding the power. A single partner has many more choices than the married partner. The one with the most choices in life always holds the power.

[Artdeco]

Here's something I never understood. As an OW, I felt i held all the cards. I was the single one, I was the one with all of the choices, all of the options and all of the freedom. Maybe i have too high of an opinion of myself, but i really felt like I was the prize. He was the one that needed to worry about what I was doing when we were not together. I already knew what he was doing.

 

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?

 

I’m with you on that one. I’ve always felt that way, too.

It looks like there are many, though, who get desperate, who actually ARE unhappy with the situation, and these are the ones who post here the most. They are focused on the “end result” more than on what’s happening in the present, and that can be frustrating, I suppose. The OW posters on here don’t represent the majority of OW in the real world, in my opinion.

[Wallysbears]

But when a single person decides that they want to become involved with a person that is not available, they've made the choice to put themselves in a lesser than position and have surrendered that power.

 

Why not engage with other single people instead of someone unavailable?

[elaine567]

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?

 

Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.

They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.

Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.

MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.

Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

 

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.

[Artdeco]

Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.

They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.

Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.

MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.

Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

 

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.

 

I find this to be very true when I read OWs contributions to this forum in particular, but other than that, in 80%+ of all the cases I’m familiar with outside of this site, it doesn’t apply. Quite the opposite actually.

[elaine567]

I find this to be very true when I read OWs contributions to this forum in particular, but other than that, in 80%+ of all the cases I’m familiar with outside of this site, it doesn’t apply. Quite the opposite actually.

 

How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.

I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?

Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?

Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?

[Artdeco]

How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.

I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?

Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?

Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?

 

These are very good questions, but quite easy to answer. There are many reasons why a non-official, or a half-official, or a part-time relationship, aka an affair, matches certain single people’s lifestyles, preferences, and schedules (not only OW’s, but OM’s as well). I never saw my A as receiving peanuts. Honestly, I did not want a full-time relationship at that point. Why you ask? Many reasons.

Edited March 8, 2019 by Artdeco

[central]

Yes, the OW has all the choices, where the MM does not. However, the OW has made one bad choice, which largely negates her freedom and options, unless she can easily walk away at any time. Most do not, and are trapped by their emotions - that isn't freedom.

[PhoenixRising8]

Many OWs it seems to me are "vulnerable" in some way, they are often also people pleasers, people whose personality is about caring for others.

They accept the lowly, submissive, #2 position easily.

Their response to bad things happening is to get very hurt and put up with it, instead of getting even.

MM can also be very domineering, guys who wield power, guys who are manipulative and know how to play on emotions. Even the most powerful OW, the OW with an agenda, may end up a quivering wreck in the face of such tactics.

Love is a powerful emotion and once she is hooked, any power she may have had is rendered null and void usually...

 

MM know that, they know once she is besotted, she is as weak as a kitten.

 

If my experience is any indication, you are correct. I was vulnerable. I generally am a people pleaser until I get kicked in the gut. But I don't typically submit to sub par or #2. In the beginning my A was what I needed. Then in October is started to go a different direction and I gave him every benefit of the doubt. Now it is done.

 

Love is a powerful emotion and does make you hold on, often longer than you should. But sometimes that weak kitten has a strength that no one sees. And that's how it ends.

 

I believe BSs have all the power. The have to do nothing in most cases because they have the marriage certificate, the kids, the assets. Hard to walk away from that if you're the WH.

[Artdeco]

Yes, the OW has all the choices, where the MM does not. However, the OW has made one bad choice, which largely negates her freedom and options, unless she can easily walk away at any time. Most do not, and are trapped by their emotions - that isn't freedom.

 

Yes, of course you’re emotionally connected to your partner, but this is true for all relationships, marriages included. You have an emotional bond (or you had one at some point in the past), that’s why you’re there. If it breaks, you walk. Which is easier to do if you’re not married or living together. I think the main difference really relates to the relationship “logistics”, for lack of a better word. All the other stuff is pretty much the same: emotional connection, physical connection, and all the other interpersonal relationship stuff. And if the logistics fit your needs, then you’re usually content.

Edited March 8, 2019 by Artdeco

[WasOtherWoman]

But when a single person decides that they want to become involved with a person that is not available, they've made the choice to put themselves in a lesser than position and have surrendered that power.

 

 

But this is exactly my point... why would someone allow themself to be put in a lesser position? If someone is man enough to be having an affair with me, they'd better be man enough to treat me as I deserve to be treated.

[WasOtherWoman]

How do you know how they really feel as I guess most of the posters on here appear normal or in control of the situation IRL, whereas on here we get their true feelings.

I agree some will be detached and at ease with the situation, but then again what are they hiding? Why are they content with peanuts?

Why are they so unavailable to "normal" relationships?

Why are they chasing after other women's husbands?

 

I have to agree with you, I think it is more the norm. I don't really think though that people (men or women) generally go looking for affairs (unless they are a serial cheater). That does not make them unavailable to "normal" relationships, it is just not what they are in at the moment.

 

It is just my personal hot button when i see people not realizing that they are in the power position.

[DKT3]

The person who cares the least about a relationship ending holds the power. In general women in affairs care more so they are rarely in control. All the other stuff sounds good in theory. But rarely do we have MM here upset over his treatment from his AP or not understanding why the affair ended.

 

From what I've encountered, single ow seem to be even more dependent on the affair then married ow. Of course there are exceptions, my wife is an exception, the poster recent change is an exception. I haven't read OPs story so I have no judgement on her.

[WasOtherWoman]

Yes, of course you’re emotionally connected to your partner, but this is true for all relationships, marriages included. You have an emotional bond (or you had one at some point in the past), that’s why you’re there. If it breaks, you walk. Which is easier to do if you’re not married or living together. I think the main difference really relates to the relationship “logistics”, for lack of a better word. All the other stuff is pretty much the same: emotional connection, physical connection, and all the other interpersonal relationship stuff. And if the logistics fit your needs, then you’re usually content.

 

Agree. Affairs need to be approached just like anything else in life. You always have the option to walk away. For the married partner, where are they going?

[WasOtherWoman]

The person who cares the least about a relationship ending holds the power. In general women in affairs care more so they are rarely in control. All the other stuff sounds good in theory. But rarely do we have MM here upset over his treatment from his AP or not understanding why the affair ended.

 

From what I've encountered, single ow seem to be even more dependent on the affair then married ow. Of course there are exceptions, my wife is an exception, the poster recent change is an exception. I haven't read OPs story so I have no judgement on her.

 

Right but, why give away your power. Of course you can be invested in a relationship (and i do agree about the single vs married ow, two totally different dynamics i think) but that does not mean that you don't have power. You just have to be willing to use it.

 

edited to add: I cared, PLENTY. I was head over heels. Still kept the power. My point here really is to get OM/OW to look at things a bit differently, i think.

Edited March 8, 2019 by WasOtherWoman

[anika99]

I could see the OW feeling powerful if she doesn't love the MM and is just enjoying the affair for a bit of fun and sex, but she gives up her power once she falls in love. Sure she's free and single but that's not any fun when your hearts desire is to be with the one you love. The OW in love doesn't want options, she wants the MM, period. That puts her in a weak position as her relationship will naturally revolve the MMs marriage and his availability.

 

Did you marry your MM ? Did he leave his wife? If so that means you were having an affair with a man who no longer wanted his marriage and was willing to end it. I believe that's an exit affair and it probably helped you feel like you were the one with the power. Most MM in affairs do not want to get divorced. Oh most will sing from the rooftops how they are unhappily married and they're going to leave but they are lying. A smart woman will walk away when she sees her MM not taking any action to back up his words. If she walks away early, before she gets in too deep, then she maintains her power, but if she hangs around waiting she loses her power

[DKT3]

In theory.

 

I'm a big fan of the show power. In a scene where the main female lead was being questioned about shady behavior a older lady said "we are just as smart, just as powerful just as capable of getting stuff done. Then we fall in love and start f--king ***** up"

 

I think that is the dynamic for most women in affairs.

[Aloha123]

Well, if there is such a thing as a "proper mindset" for an OW in an affair with a MM, I would say that you have it! Taking it for what it is, not getting emotionally attached, having the leverage to leave when you want etc.

I think the main reason many OW feel powerless is that they want a "real" full-time, exclusive relationship with the MM, and there is nothing, I mean NOTHING, they can do to make this ever happen. So yes in this sense they are in fact very powerless and they know it.

Also, a lot of OW on here, like me, are married themselves and that limits our options as well. So that's another form of powerlessness, although I'd say that one is at least partially psychological because of course we technically have the ability to move on from our affair AND our marriage to find something better/healthier.

[pepperbird]

this is just my opinion...take it for what you will.

 

 

So many times, affairs are described as being "like a drug". If this is the case, then no, the ow doesn't have the power. The affair itself has the power.

 

 

 

If one follows the "addiction" model, then this makes a lot of sense. It's like a person who has never tried an addictive drug. In the beginning, they have all the power. They can choose to try the drug or put it down and walk away. They decide to try it, and like the effects. They keep using, and without even realizing it, they are slowly giving over their power. Sure, their dealer may be providing the drug, but it's really the drug that has the power.

 

An affair may well be no different. for whatever reason, the ow (or om) gets hooked, but if the situation were different ( i.e.- it wasn't an affair) the AP might well be someone they wouldn't even look at twice. The affair itself has the power...the secrecy, the forbidden "naughty" side, the hysterical bonding, love bombing, etc. can be so addictive.

 

I've often wondered when I read posts by ow/om who are grieving the end of the A, are they really missing the person or the affair itself?

[Zona]

WOW, the fact that you were single is an anomaly. Most married men cheat with married women. That puts the married woman in an extremely vulnerable position because if the affair is exposed, her life will likely be completely ruined. The shame of having her children and other family members find out is hard to get over. Having an adulterous mother can haunt kids their entire lives because of the tight bond mothers have with their kids, and how this forms a foundation of stability which is destroyed. If it's a co-worker which is getting more common all the time, her career can be ruined.

 

That being said, where is the power in being in that position?

[bathtub-row]

It’s because most women typically put themselves in a victimized position, and they subconsciously seek out drama if they’ve recently exited a drama-filled relationship. They also probably think that if they’re not in it for love, then that would make them slutty. So, they stay because of “love” and behave as though they’re truly devoted to a situation that has nowhere to go. They then allow themselves to get stuck in the emotion and complexity of the whole twisted mess. Before you know it, that whirlpool has pulled them completely under.

[Wallysbears]

See, I would counter to say that the actual power holder is the BW. Because if the affair comes to the light of day? It is the BW who is going to be seen as the injured party. There is a lot of social stigma attached to being a mistress and in many circles, single or not, being a mistress is looked down upon because they are seen as 'meddling' in marriages and causing divorces.

[WasOtherWoman]

I guess where i am coming from is this. I approached my affair like i did anything else in life..... strategically. Believe me, i was in love with my MM, no doubt. But i never let him get comfortable having a wife and a mistress. That did not suit me. This is all ancient history for me, but i read here and just see how things would either end either differently or more quickly. (both of which i think have got to be easier than the dragging out).

 

A lot of this is just perception, don't ever let a MM feel like he has the upper hand, any more than you would with anything else in life. Would you accept less in any other relationship? Would you accept less in a job? It seems that the way this stuff generally goes is once your affair partner sees that you will accept something lesser than you really want, it is game over.

 

You really do need to be willing to walk though, yes. But if you are not getting what you want, why would you not? (despite being in love).