Why don't OWs realize that THEY are the ones with all the power?

[misspalmy]

yeah thats why i told his wife 2 times. cant do affairs i get unwell

[WasOtherWoman]

they all go home just after the sex ... that is because they value family life and want to seem innocent and faithful ...try phoning them at home... if you matter that much, yes, see if he treats you like a proper friend or just a secret

 

While i would not use the word "all", in general I agree with your statement. Act like a proper girlfriend. If the response you get is not acceptable to you, use your power and walk away.

[chillii]

lf she was the one really in control and with all these fantastic choices, what is she doing sitting round nights and wkends alone waiting for her breadcrumb for a man that's with his wife and family and in a real life.

They're getting everything , not you, all you get is a few crumbs when ha can get away or feels like some play.

And even if your seeing someone else or doing whatever ja ja ja, it can't be much if your also waiting around for crumbs from a married man that comes to you from the real woman in his life.

 

Doesn't sound like much control to me , sounds more like bottom of the barrel desperation.Not to mention what your doing to his family and to his wife, he is too yeah , but so are you.

[spiderowl]

Yes the OW has freedom in lots of ways and choices, but she does not have the choice to see the guy when she wants to or to have commitment from him. She has to fit round his life.

 

If she falls in love, she cannot have him all to herself, get engaged or married, or get jealous.

 

She does not have security, knowing that he's going to be there for her when she's ill or if her income drops for some reason.

 

She does not have support. She might have some - if he's a very generous guy - but it will be there when he has time, not when she needs it. He won't be there to fix things for her or make her food if she's ill.

 

Yes, she has a certain amount of freedom but she cannot afford to fall in love because she will never have him as her lifetime partner.

[WasOtherWoman]

I truly meant for this post to be on the other women / other man page, as a discussion to help the others see that they do have power and to use it in order to really get a accurate read on their relationship.

 

With that, you can feel free to close this thread because I’m not interested in discussing it on general relationships.

[Prudence V]

 

Why don't OWs see that they are really the ones in control?

 

This was very much my experience too. I had options. His options? To return to a marriage he’d long outgrown....?

[Prudence V]

Yes the OW has freedom in lots of ways and choices, but she does not have the choice to see the guy when she wants to or to have commitment from him. She has to fit round his life.

 

If she falls in love, she cannot have him all to herself, get engaged or married, or get jealous.

 

She does not have security, knowing that he's going to be there for her when she's ill or if her income drops for some reason.

 

She does not have support. She might have some - if he's a very generous guy - but it will be there when he has time, not when she needs it. He won't be there to fix things for her or make her food if she's ill.

 

Yes, she has a certain amount of freedom but she cannot afford to fall in love because she will never have him as her lifetime partner.

 

This is so untrue, and based on all kinds of assumptions. Perhaps that’s the case for many OW - but only because they accept it. I demanded that he make himself available to me, when I wanted to see him - or I wasn’t interested. I demanded that he give me what I wanted out of the R - or I’d walk. And he knew I would. I was the one who had choices and options. So he gave me what I wanted - I never had to “settle” for “scraps”. He treated me at least as well as any SG would have done - far better, and still does.

[Prudence V]

lf she was the one really in control and with all these fantastic choices, what is she doing sitting round nights and wkends alone waiting for her breadcrumb for a man that's with his wife and family and in a real life.

 

 

Again, this may be the case for those willing to accept this, whether they are OW, BW or GF. I never sat around waiting - I lived my life, and when I wanted him, he was there. He knew that if he wasn’t available to me on my schedule, I’d bin him for someone else. And since I was the one he wanted, he made sure to prioritise me.

[Prudence V]

The fact that a relationship is an affair makes this utterly impossible. Being in an affair is, by its very nature, a series of very selfish acts.

 

OTC - the A was the first “selfish” thing he’d done in his entire life. His friends were so thrilled to see him putting himself first, for once - not that it was him putting *himself* first (except in the context of his marriage). It was always clear to me he was putting _me_ first.

[Prudence V]

People usually choose partners, in addition to looks and whatnot, based how they treat them, and how comfortable they feel around them, also based on if and how they fit into your life, and therefore I think it’s safe to say that a “cake eater” per se (if he acts like one) will not be the chosen one, if he treats you ****ty. At least not for too long of a period. I mean, I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn’t date a selfish prick, or a man who acts selfishly around me, and neither would most women, hopefully. Choosing wisely is key for any relationship, as it is for other life decisions.

 

Absolutely. I did my research. And I knew that, if he didn’t live,up to what I hoped he was, I would walk. He knew it too.