Its been 3 months and I am still lost/suicidal

[Kisar]

It’s been almost three months since my husband left me, our daughter, and unborn child. I am still very severely depressed...yet when I speak to him he is so nonchalant. He acts like he is more upset than I am (even though he was the cheater) and continues to tell me that he cannot be with me because I don't support him and I called him stupid (5 years ago). It seems to me that he is using these as excuses because up until about 4 months ago things were fine. He appeared okay...I know we had problems but they did not seem bad enough to break up.

 

However after the time I found a $200.00 restaurant bill, cell phone calls to a particular number for hours at a time and finally spoke to a woman who he has been talking to...he decided to leave the house. Since then my life has not been right. He never asks about my pregnancy, has told me that the baby is my issue. Asked me why I wasn’t using birth control and says that he really does not want a baby. He has seen our daughter but says that he rather not see or communicates with her if he has to go through it with me. I know that it is because every time I see him I cry uncontrollably and feel so desolate.

 

I do want him back but I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. I hate when people say to get over it... How can I? I love him, I am carrying his baby that he doesn’t want and he has completely left our lives. Not to mention our new house, all of the maintenance, the bills, and the emotional support we all need to make it in our daily lives. What kind of person can abandon a family like that? I feel like I am abusing myself when I call him because he is so incredibly mean to me. But for some reason it gets me through until the next time I speak with him. How do you guys commit to NC? When I call him, he tells me ugly things and says that he is not coming home and does not care if his daughter wants to think he is a bad guy or not.

 

I know this sounds harsh, but at this point I do not even want the baby..I am too far along to get rid of it though. I just don't feel like I can love something that was not created ouit of love. He has not agreed to help me get an abortion since I found out I was pregnant. I have no family...no friends...no one but my 6 year old daughter. I have thought about ending my life a 1000 times.

 

I think I am co dependant. But whatever I am I don't have money or guts to go to a therapist, I don't have anyone. I sit in my room all night just staring. I have not slept in 3 days. I am lost. What if my husband never comes back? Which by the looks of things he won't. How do I work on the no contact thing? I am suidiadal, but can't take depression meds because of the baby? Any advice anyone. I really love him and want him back.

[ReluctantRomeo]

You poor thing! One of my friends was exactly in this situation 18 months ago. She is normally so strong and cheerful - it was heartbreaking to see how low she went.

 

So first of all: it is normal to feel awful in your situation. Don't listen to the people who just say "get over it". It's way too early for that. If you have a good day, fine. But if you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up. Don't set the bar too high.

 

On no contact and life in general, take it one day at a time - you can't manage any more right now. A wise man once said "each day has enough trouble of its own".

 

Second: get help. There are lots of organisations - church and voluntary groups - who will provide free help, including therapy. And there will always be friends, neighbours or colleagues who will help if asked. Don't be too proud to ask.

[JosiePosie]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is easy to become depressed with the cards that you have been dealt. Take it one day at a time. Your husband is living in his own private selfish hell. Let him wallow in it. Try not to let him take you down too. You have children and they need you. Contact a church or community support group asap. It's okay to admit that you need help.

 

I will attending my first group tonight for codependence. I had to leave my boyfriend, I just couldn't stand being pulled down with him. It is very hard, I cry alot and miss him. But when I take a step back and look, I know it was the best thing I did. At this point, I don't know what the future holds for us. But I know that I need to heal from my habits and be happy. No matter what happens.

 

Do everything you can to get through this. Helplines, support groups, church, anything. You deserve to be happy and loved. Your husband is not a man. He is a child and he is taking it out on you.

[dgiirl]

Hey Kisar,

 

I've been wondering how you have been doing!

 

First of all, anyone who tells you to just get over it just doesnt understand. You're going through a long rollercoaster of emotions. You're going to have some lows and some highs. Accept this as truth, and be kind to yourself when you hit those lows. In the beginning, there are a LOT of lows. I was on the verge of depression and contemplated sucide on many occassions. You need to find a reason to NOT commit suicide, and clearly that is your daughter! For her sake, please dont do it. Dont cause her that pain. Trust me, it will get better in time. I'm 7 months into this ride myself. I'm doing sooo much better than day one, but I still have my setbacks. I recognize them for what they are, and let them come over me, cry the tears i need to and then refocus on the positives. No matter how bleak your situation is, if you look hard, there are some positives.

 

If you want to start NC, you have to ask yourself if your conversations are productive? If they are productive, then you keep on talking. If they are not, and you feel worse, you implement NC. Have you told him everything you needed to tell him? If you've told him once, you dont need to keep telling him. He knows and silence is sometimes better to get your message across. I know it's sooo hard to implement NC, and you will have urges to call him. Find a friend you can call instead. My best friend told me to call her ANY time i had the urge to call him. Just say "Hey, I'm trying not to call him, so I called you instead". She got my mind off of him and back on straight. It helped me so much.

 

You want something to do? Read! I read so much self-help books it's nauseating. But it helped me realize that I deserve so much more in life. It's all about self-confidence, and right after a breakup, our self esteem goes to the toilets. We have to build it back up. We have to start focusing on ourselves. Take long bubble baths. Play with your hair in the mirror. Paint your nails. Flirt with yourself in the mirror. Go out and volunteer. Help other people who are in pain. Sharing your experience with other people is very therapeutic. It helps give you perspective on your own situation AND it helps you feel good about yourself because you can help someone else feel better.

 

Trust me, it's a very long ride, but believe you will have good moments in the near future. Grasp onto something. Imagine what you want your life to be in a year or two from now. Now's the time you get to be completely selfish and do ANYTHING your heart desires. We dont get very many oppurtunities to reevaluate our whole life and decide what needs to change. Take advantage of it! You deserve it.

 

*HUGS*

[Lil Honey]

No other person is worth taking three lives. That mean yours, your baby's and your daughter's (since her life would be gone if you took yours). This is a temporary situation. Things WILL change. You will have the baby. You WILL get over him. You will move on.

 

I really think that his behavior on the phone is intentional to simply get you riled up. He is manipulating and controlling you. He does it to hear you cry and carry on - over HIM. What a boost that must be for his ego.

 

He doesn't want to see you or his daughter and the baby is "your issue". Dump the b@stard and cry over him later, if you are so inclined.

 

Your first priority is to care for your daughter, your baby and your self. Take a stand for the three of you. So, make your attitude one of getting down to business. Contact a lawyer. Call a women's support group.

 

Show your daughter what a strong woman does in a situation like this. Don't let him treat you like crap. Show 'em what you're made of.

[suegail]

I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you - at the same time though I'm praying you'll get over this feeling you have that you won't be able to love your baby. That bothers me more than anything else. And maybe that feeling will change and you'll feel completely different about things once the depression begins to lift and maybe some or alot of the depression is due to hormonal changes brought on by the pregnancy and of course all that is going on in your life.

 

I realize you're just being honest and I'm glad you are, but if this is how you truly feel and if that feeling does not change you'll soon have a tiny helpless little life there that needs love and constant care and what is going to happen? That worries me.

 

There are many wonderful loving people out there who want a child. If you feel you will not be able to love this child, you might consider adoption. I have a friend who did decide to have her baby adopted and she was able to choose the family and she insisted and got a legal agreement that they would guarantee the child a full college education. It was hard for her to do of course, but she said in the end she felt she'd done the right thing as she was convinced she couldn't provide what the child needed.

 

I'm so very sorry things have turned out this way for you and I understand it's not easy to get over someone and to have to put up with the insults and the now totally rotten disposition he's got - it just has to be very very hard.

I hope in time, (soon) you'll feel you're beginning to get on the road to healing from all the hurt you've gone through.

 

God Bless...

[Ladyjane14]

Possibly the BIG question here is....why is he so mean to you?

 

I can only think of two valid reasons:

 

1. He's a complete a*hole. In that case, he doesn't deserve your time and attention....let alone your TEARS.

 

If that's the case, get a good lawyer and make absolutely certain he's living on Tuna Helper for the foreseeable future.

 

2. You represent a threat to he agenda. His agenda is to leave you, unfortunate but obvious. If he's pushing you away in an extremely vociferous manner....then he's worried he might come back.

 

I posted this to a young lady in a somewhat similar position recently. Please forgive my poor form in quoting myself. I'm too tired for much more typing tonight.

 

Often, when a young man leaves his wife and infant child, it is because he is feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of his responsibilities. He sometimes feels incompetent and unequal to the task.

 

Most of the time, he acts out as one who is dissatisfied in a generalized way, because he doesn't realize that the "tied down" feeling that he is experiencing is due to his own insecurities.

 

Unfortunately as often as not, a young man like that will have evaded the work of mentally processing all that by distracting himself with something a bit more tangible.....like another woman.

 

A young woman, with an infant child, can be experiencing her own crisis in the shifting of her priorities. Taking care of a baby is a full-time job. Afterall, babies can't take care of themselves.

 

The fundimental demands of an infant are time-consuming and at times exhausting. And while it's emotionally rewarding, it doesn't leave a whole lot of extra time and energy to spend on yourself....let alone a grown man who ought to be helping rather than hindering.

 

You see the possibilities for mutual resentment.

 

Anyway, in answer to you original question, "has anyone else had a spouse who didn't want to go to couseling?" Mine didn't go with me initially either. It wasn't until I had seen a lawyer and told him that I wanted a divorce that he was willing to go.

 

My suggestion to you would be to stay strong while you call him into accountability. But also, to be soft enough that he feels free to open up and talk to you.

 

Plan A..... Be sweet, be attractive, but also....be firm in your boundaries. Be available for listening to his side, without giving in to the need to defend your own. Don't play games. Don't lash out. You want to show him Serenity. You want him to see YOU as an attractive alternative to the uncertainty of the future.

 

Regardless of how your marriage resolves....you're going to need to gather your strength. Talk to your OB/GYN about your depression. This is important.

 

You can't afford to let depression run your life right now. You won't manage a single goal if you don't tackle this first and foremost. You can't help your kids, your husband, or even yourself if you make allowances for wallowing. So don't.

 

Make getting your depression under control a priority. Talk to your doctor, and don't mince words either. You can't afford the emotional expenditure that indulging in negative emotions will require of you.

 

You can do this. It's just one little baby-step at a time, right? Keep your chin up, girl. You ARE equal to the task. The Lord doesn't ask more of us than we can give.