Breadcrumbers

[Auggie]

Have you ever stringed someone along? Been stringed along?

 

No, this post isn't about that guy I had that epic date with.

 

I'm just curious if anyone's used the methods listed below on how to successfully confront a 'breadcrumber.' Or, why you would choose to string someone along (aside from the obvious answer of more sex, or more attention)

 

1. Call them out.

Often breadcrumbing is about giving yourself an ego boost, so don’t give in to the other person and make them feel good about their behavior. If they pop back up after weeks of radio silence with a casual flirty text, call them out on it.

 

You don’t have to be blunt or accusatory; a simple “Haven’t heard from you in a while” is a subtle way to prompt them to explain their absence and sudden resurgence. If they don’t take that bait, you can always outright ask. Clear and honest communication is never a bad thing, and just because they’re not holding themselves to that standard doesn’t mean you can’t.

 

2. Ignore them.

People breadcumb when they’re bored. If a guy has been without female attention for too long, he might turn to breadcrumbing to ensure he’s still capable of captivating an audience. Maybe he’s got nothing better to do that night and just wants the thrill of knowing he can get you interested again. If he’s back after three months and still wants to send you GIFs, you don’t need to respond—unless you’re bored too.

 

3. Give them a break.

Like most behaviors, people probably aren’t thinking that about breadcrumbing you consciously. It’s a compulsion, an unheathy emotional manipulation style. They probably aren’t able to articulate what it is they’re doing or why they’re doing it. That doesn’t make it right, but it does make it less personal. It also means if you call it out as breadcrumbing, they might not know what that means. So you can potentially be pretty laid back about it, and say something like, “Not sure if you even realize you’re doing this, but I feel a bit breadcrumbed.” Of, if you’re still interested in them, you could even say, “Want to throw something more than a crumb my way?”

 

4. Ask them why.

If you ask them straight up why they’re just occasionally dipping back into your digital life, they might feel compelled to answer honestly, or at least take a good look at themselves and wonder what’s driving their behavior. If you’re still interested in actually getting to know them, asking them for some answers might be the only path forward.

 

It can be hurtful to realize you’re being strung along by someone who probably doesn’t have real intentions of dating you. The good news is, there’s no reason you have to participate in it. If you find yourself getting caught in the crumb trap, you’re the one who has the power. You can always choose to end the cycle by not picking up that breadcrumb.

 

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/dating-advice/respond-to-breadcrumbing/

[Blanco]

So what's going on that has you even thinking about this subject?

[BaileyB]

I would never confront anyone. I also don’t tend to over analyze like this

 

Just a simple, “I’m done” would suffice. And then, I would walk away...

 

I was kind of strung along once by someone I really liked... in the end, it was just a simple email and I moved on. It was important to me to keep my dignity. This is just so much wasted energy spent on someone who is not worthy of that time and/or energy.

Edited March 9, 2019 by BaileyB

[basil67]

A lost of assumptions being made here. What if they simply see you as a friend and check in occasionally? If this was the case, it would make anyone doing what you suggest look terribly foolish.

 

What would I do? If someone comes and goes from my life, I simply assume they are a friend or acquaintance and do not assign negative labels to them or overthink it.

Edited March 9, 2019 by basil67

[Auggie]

Hey thanks for chatting with me about this topic. Nothing is going on with me right now after that one-date guy b/c he disappeared so he's out of the picture.

 

But, I was thinking about my dating patterns of late and thinking about how some men have strung me along with their text messages, emails and FB messages in the past few years, and in hindsight, I can't believe I didn't know how to react appropriately (the 4 suggestions from the article I posted).

 

So, I was curious if others had been strung along, and if anyone had used those methods or what their opinion of 'breadcrumbing' is.

 

So what's going on that has you even thinking about this subject?

 

Nothing at the moment. Just wanted to hear people share their stories so we could converse about it.

 

I would never confront anyone. I also don’t tend to over analyze like this

 

Just a simple, “I’m done” would suffice. And then, I would walk away...

 

I was kind of strung along once by someone I really liked... in the end, it was just a simple email and I moved on. It was important to me to keep my dignity. This is just so much wasted energy spent on someone who is not worthy of that time and/or energy.

 

BaileyB that totally sucks that you were strung along by someone you really liked. Why do you think that you wouldn't confront a 'breadcrumber?'

 

Yes, keeping one's dignity is the key, but when you are strung along; first, how do you recognize it, address it (if at all), and then put a stop to it from that person (who must be insecure or bored to target their 'breadcrumbee').

 

A lost of assumptions being made here. What if they simply see you as a friend and check in occasionally? If this was the case, it would make anyone doing what you suggest look terribly foolish.

 

What would I do? If someone comes and goes from my life, I simply assume they are a friend or acquaintance and do not assign negative labels to them or overthink it.

 

Well, the article provides 4 solutions to addressing someone's stringing you along. What are the assumptions you see? Well, I think a friend who checks in occasionally is different than a romantic connection who never commits to seeing you in person, but constantly baits you with generic phrases like, "Oh we'll get together soon," but that never happens.

 

An occasional check-in with a friend you don't see often, is different; you have a history with that person, an emotional bond, so you already KNOW their social media habits, how they choose to keep in touch with you, what to expect/not expect from that friend so you are never let down b/c there's no "if's, and's, or but's" excuses from them.

 

Friends who occasionally check in won't leave you hanging, wondering what is going on because they respect you and the friendship and hold value with it. Breadcrumbers could care less, I believe.The same way you give a cat a toy to play with; they don't question where you bought it, what it's made of, they just toy around with it until they are amused and go on to the next toy. Just my opinion.

[Commongoal123]

If you're being fed breadcrumbs...

 

let them keep doing it on their own and gtf out.

[basil67]

What are the assumptions you see? Well, I think a friend who checks in occasionally is different than a romantic connection who never commits to seeing you in person, but constantly baits you with generic phrases like, "Oh we'll get together soon," but that never happens.

 

The assumption lies in thinking that the person is a romantic connection. They may not think of romance with you at all.

[Auggie]

The assumption lies in thinking that the person is a romantic connection. They may not think of romance with you at all.

 

Fair enough. Is that the only reason why you think people breadcrumb each other?

[basil67]

 

Fair enough. Is that the only reason why you think people breadcrumb each other?

 

I don't believe that Breadcrumbing is a thing. To me, it's a term invented to put blame on others in order to soothe our injured egos. It's no different to how every ex these days seems to be a narcissist. Back when I was young and dating, it certainly wasn't a thing. An ex who spoke to us now and then wasn't getting an ego stroke or seeing if they still had it, they were just being casually friendly. A person who didn't follow through with plans simply isn't enough into you to do anything about it.

[BaileyB]

I don't believe that Breadcrumbing is a thing. To me, it's a term invented to put blame on others in order to soothe our injured egos. It's no different to how every ex these days seems to be a narcissist.

 

A person who didn't follow through with plans simply isn't enough into you to do anything about it.

 

I completely agree basil.

 

My story, we dated for a few months just as his divorce was becoming final. I wanted more, and when I pressed him to get more serious he told me that he had decided he wasn’t ready. I don’t think that what he did was “breadcrumbing.” I didn’t confront him because that’s not who I am. I was disappointed, but I thanked him for his honesty. It’s a good thing that we both handled it in a mature and respectful way, because he eventually came around and he’s sitting beside me right now...

Edited March 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic

[Fair]

I get a lot of this online, it's maddening.

 

I put a stop to it as soon as I see it happening. I tell them blatantly I'm not letting anyone waste my time.

[Auggie]

I get a lot of this online, it's maddening.

 

I put a stop to it as soon as I see it happening. I tell them blatantly I'm not letting anyone waste my time.

 

Good for you Fair! It is maddening.

 

I'm glad you put a stop to it as soon as you recognize the pattern, because breadcrumbing is definitely a pattern. He/She contacts you every day almost, to get your attention, yet will never actually ask you out or agree to a specific date/time to get together. I see it online a lot. It is very annoying.

[Curiousroxy86]

Bread crumbling is a thing and narcissistic behavior is a thing

 

Now I do believe that a lot of guys who give crumbs in dating/relationships sometimes don't mean anything sinister towards the particular girl. I think a lot of times guys want what they want and do what's in their best interest and unfortunately it doesn't align with the girl they talked that good sh*t too in the end

 

So the best way I found to deal with guys who bread crumb is go into dating looking at the guys actions vs words. Once he show negative actions DESPITE what he said to you before or is currently saying to you then you have to either call him out, ignore, and/or break up depending on the status of what you two are

 

For me if i am dating and not in an exclusive relationship I tend to focus on guys who show me they are into me. They call and ask me out regularly and ask for exclusivity. The flakes eventually get ignored because I would only focus on men who don't flake. So the flake can come and go as he please at the end of the day I am going to choose the guy who shows substance. Multi-dating before exclusivity helps not to focus on the one guy who is giving crumbs or goes in and out. The solution to a guy who cancels, a guy who orbits/ghosts, a guy who says one thing and does another, a guy who stands you up...is to simply date other men. So the breadcrumbing thing really shouldn't be too frustrating pre exclusivity because a woman should exercise her freedom of choice of simply not giving time to guys who flake.

 

Now it gets hard when you are exclusive to a boyfriend who maybe at first shows he is a crazy about you but then his efforts start to wane and pulls away. Because your exclusive your focus is on him and so it would and should hurt much more when you get crumbs. See women who get one-Itus on a guy who is not even a boyfriend just frustrated themselves. But when he is your boyfriend and he is giving crumbs that just really sucks. so the solution i would do is talk to him sweetly giving him time to correct "honey I notice we haven't been spending much time together. Can we fix that babe?". If he doesn't respond favorably as in he starts reacting negatively to your reasonable request or tells you what you want to hear but then actions clearly show he doesn't care then the best solution is breakup. The key in an exclusive relationship is not being afraid to walk away when he stops treating you right.

 

So pre exclusivity ignore then date other men and post exclusivity talk to him sweetly then breakup if he doesn't correct. All in all don't except those crumbs! A b*tch got to eat!

[Tristian]

Hi everyone, This thread is correctly placed in GRD and the OP has already stated that this is meant to be a general topic thread and not to be connected to any situation she has found her self in.

 

 

Please treat threads on her personal situation and this one as separate.