Physical affair of wife? Baselines for the aftermath.

[CheatedCheater]

Had your wife an important physical affair?

Some strictly personal considerations for the aftermath:

(1) You will never forget it.

(2) Deep inside, you will never forgive it.

(3) You will think about it every time something (a song, a place, a smell, a name, etc.) reminds the affair.

(4) Marriage is tainted. Irreversibly. You may stay with your wife. You may even have sex and feel some love for her, but the true essence of your bond is gone and this is forever, no matter what you do.

(5) Trust and respect are gone. Definitively. No matter what she says, no matter what she does, no matter what she promises. Suspicion and sudden angry reactions will be your companions for years.

(6) The temptation to harm the other man will be in your heart. You will have to do anything you can to avoid to give in to that temptation, since the consequences might be extremely serious, from having someone landed behind bars or even to the graveyard. It happens every day and the wayward wife usually (and incredibly) neglects this fundamental aspect.

(7) Counselors can't do much.

(8) The pain, unbelievably intense in the first weeks, will gradually decrease to a tolerable level, but will never disappear.

(9) A revenge fling may help. For the emasculation. For the desire of revenge. For your self-esteem. Of course, it may have negative consequences, too. It won't fix the other problems, anyway. In the best case, it will diminish them.

[Guildford]

CheaterCheated - You have made a general statement, and you know the old adage: All general statements are false including this one. You direct your post to betrayed husbands, can the same be said of betrayed wives? The fact is that we are all different. When it comes to our views of extramarital sex, you can put everyone on a sliding scale. At one end are people who view extramarital sex as 'no big deal,' while at the other end are people who view it as the 'atom bomb of marriage.' Most people fall somewhere in the middle of this scale. It appears to me that, generally, women can handle their husband's affair better that the husband can handle the wife's affair.

 

I have not read your earlier posts, but you call yourself CheaterCheated; does this mean that at an earlier time you cheated on your wife. I don't know, but as a hypothetical question, if husband cheats on his wife, and later the wife cheats on the husband, does husband have standing to complain about the wife's affair? What the wife did is still cheating, but does the husband have standing to complain?

[CheatedCheater]

It seems to me that you missed my "strictly personal considerations" words.

I called myself CheatedCheater because I was cheated on by my wife and had a revenge affair (which I'd never done, had she been faithful to me).

[Guildford]

CheatedCheater "It seems to me that you missed my "strictly personal considerations" words.

I called myself CheatedCheater because I was cheated on by my wife and had a revenge affair (which I'd never done, had she been faithful to me)."

 

I apologize, I would now say that your wife has no standing to complain about your affair. However, your post is still too inclusive. When you say that the betrayed spouse will never forgive (he won't forget) and that the relationship is forever tainted, many people have been able to forgive and rebuild the relationship. Some people can move on and reconcile. I have read that people who can put such tragedies behind them and move on with their life without dwelling on the past, tend to life longer. Try to relax and enjoy the rest of your life.

 

Full disclosure here: it is my understanding that I am my wife's first and only. If I am wrong, I don't want to hear about it now.

[crispytoast]

Was anyone else reminded of fight club?

[CheatedCheater]

Was anyone else reminded of fight club?

 

Explain please: didn't understand your comment....

[pepperbird]

op,

please, get yourself some help.

 

your wife cheated on you, and that's awful. I've been there too, and know how much it hurts.

Your biggest problem is you are choosing to hold on to your anger, and that will slowly poison you, and I don't see you ever being able to let that go so long as you stay with your wife.

 

 

If you are a bs, and you choose to reconcile, you have to accept that you can't dwell in your pain for the rest of your life. If you can't let it go, you have no business remaining married.

( and before you judge your wife so harshly, just as you feel you have "reasons" to cheat, so did she. Turns out, you are no different than she is, so maybe, just maybe, you could try cutting her a bit of slack)

[CheatedCheater]

No, there is no comparison between what I did and what she did (no use of protections, sex under videocameras, affair with a dangerous person, huge piblic scandal, indirect involvement of our family and so on).

Moreover, she had no true reason to do what she did: I've always been loving, present, available. I pulled her off sheer poorness, to offer a good standing life.

There were no apparent problems in our marriage: that's why I could not see it coming and caught me completely off-guard.

Don't misunderstand me: I'm far from perfection, but I think I was a good father and husband, and I thought she was an excellent wife and mother. What happened came totally unexpected and shocked me beyond belief. Even now, 2 years later, there are moments where I wonder if all this happened or if it's only a bad dream.

But... I started this thread not to talk about my case: there is another thread for it. I'm just describing my situation and my conclusions from this awful experience. Strictly personal opinions, as disputable as they are.

[Just a Guy]

Hi CC, on reading your posts on this thread and having read your previous thread all I can say is that it will probably be for the best if you divorce your wife and move on with a fresh start and lease on life. If you stick with your wife it seems to me that you will end up an embittered and unlovable man burdened till his dying day by the awful memories of his wife's pernicious deeds.

 

You do not have to carry this burden that you are forcing yourself to carry. Get rid of it and find your core personality again. Start on a clean slate and find a woman who can truly reciprocate your love so that the two of you can be as happy as circumstances permit you. Do not let yourself die a slow and suffocating death the way you are doing currently. Wish you all the very best.

[CheatedCheater]

Thanks for your words. You are obviously right. When times are mature for my daughter, I will go my way.

 

Wanna know something amusing? Wife is here now, lovely, smiling & kissing. As if nothing ever happened. And she seems totally sincere too.

Simply overwhelming.

 

Best of life to you too.

[Turning point]

Cheating is terribly selfish act.

So is walling people out with anger and resentment. Your own affair was just a viscous extension of that same anger. Revenge affairs are not about masculinity they are about lashing out.

 

I dated other women before I got married and none of that sex made me unworthy of marriage, or prevented me form being a good faithful husband. Sex itself then, really isn't the issue that matters.

 

Betrayal is the word most people refer to - but what does that actually mean? It means that what we truly struggle with is vulnerability.

 

Learning just how emotionally vulnerable we are is very difficult, especially for men. I don't know of any culture on the planet that doesn't bind men to the notion of invulnerability. We are all super heroes in our own mind and we assume that our Lois Lane would never be the one packing kryptonite.

 

Your wife wasn't packing kryptonite, she's just not your Lois Lane. Sometimes, we're wrong about people. We see them only for who we wanted them to be rather than who they really are. Sometimes they too buy into that false identity, and some will even deceive us from the outset. They're no more successful at sustaining this than we are at letting go of it.

 

My wife's affairs were not about me - they were about her. Your wife's infidelity is also about her - not you. We can feel devastated and keep ownership of our own sh*t at the same time. Let the woman retain ownership of hers.

 

I think people suggesting divorce for you are probably correct. It's not the sex or the affair that we can't get past - because we can. I know that #1-4 on you list are all false statements. What we can't get past is the knowledge that our wife is not at all the person we thought she was. We don't feel safe and we can't trust our own instincts about who we let into our life, who we place at the helm of our most vulnerable journey.

 

It's not the affairs that cause me to file for divorce - it's that I have determined who this woman truly is, regained the strength of my convictions and confirmed my own powers of perception to the point that I know she is not a person I should keep in my life.

Edited March 11, 2019 by Turning point

[Just a Guy]

Hi CC, good to see that you have retained a sense of humour and a state of equanimity in spite of the tremendous blow you have received because of your wife's infidelity.

 

The question I want to pose to you regarding your remark about your wife's current behaviour is whether you think this is a genuine turning over a new leaf on her part after she realised the extent of her betrayal of you and the consequent hurt she caused you or is it a facade she has adopted to mark time till her next OM presents himself to her and she goes through the same cycle of infidelity as before?

 

Has she undergone a period of true remorse and had she worked on herself sufficiently to ensure she is a safe partner for you in the future? Are you in a position where you can start with rebuilding your trust in her or does she not inspire that kind of confidence in you? I think these are questions you should mull over in your mind for a while before you decide on any kind of future with her if you want to avoid further pain. She has a lot of work to do to prove herself to you. Warm wishes.

[CheatedCheater]

Revenge affairs are not about masculinity they are about lashing out.

 

Not in my case. My revenge fling helped me to find myself back. It had nothing to do with lashing out.

 

I know that #1-4 on you list are all false statements.

 

For me the whole list is dramatically true.

 

What we can't get past is the knowledge that our wife is not at all the person we thought she was.

 

it's that I have determined who this woman truly is,

Strictly agreed.

 

[pepperbird]

op,

your story reminds me of one I read some time ago when I was a lurker.

 

 

There was a gentleman who seemed like a really nice guy. He was a dad, had a couple of kids and he was profoundly and incredibly angry at his wayward wife. Without getting into details, what she did to him makes what your wife did ( and I'm not trying to minimize it) look like a walk in the park.

 

Let's just say his couch ended up out the door and on fire in his backyard. If I remember correctly that, felt good, but it didn't solve anything. Like you, he stewed in his pain and eventually, he had a revenge affair.

 

 

He felt pretty good about it...for a little while. The paradox was that the more he healed from his wfie's affair, the worse he felt about his actions. He realized he had done the same thing he did. He had his own justification, just like she did. He used those justifications to explain his behavior, just like she did. He used another human being as a salve for his pain, not really caring if he hurt her or not...until afterwards.

 

He finally let his anger go, and he began to address the pain he'd been in, and her had been in a really bad place. By holding on to the anger he thought he wouldn't have to face it, but by doing this, he just made it worse.

 

I know you're hurt and angry, and it really upsets me to see a fellow human being in such a state, especially because I know how it feels. Just please, don't let that anger fester and eat away at you. You also sound like a nice guy, just like the poster I mentioned. I would hate to see that change and for you to become bitter. Don't give your wife that satisfaction. Don't forget, there are two little eyes watching all this and taking it in. Show your daughter a model of what a good man is like and how she should be treated by her future partner. Remember...she is always watching and learning form you. If you feel you are too angry to get past the affair, please, don't stay. Don't do that to your daughter.

 

And please, take care of yourself.

[CheatedCheater]

The question I want to pose to you regarding your remark about your wife's current behaviour is whether you think this is a genuine turning over a new leaf on her part after she realised the extent of her betrayal of you and the consequent hurt she caused you or is it a facade she has adopted to mark time till her next OM presents himself to her and she goes through the same cycle of infidelity as before?

 

Has she undergone a period of true remorse and had she worked on herself sufficiently to ensure she is a safe partner for you in the future? Are you in a position where you can start with rebuilding your trust in her or does she not inspire that kind of confidence in you? Warm wishes.

 

Dear JAG, thanks for the kind words and the warm wishes, that I heartily reciprocate.

 

It is hard to answer your questions, because she sent me mixed signals.

When I found out her affair, she showed no remorse at all (just the opposite, bragging about all the qualities of her lover). She lashed at me an unbelievable amount of hatred, which was a shock in the shock, because I hadn't had the slightest clue of it before that horrible day (I thought that our marriage was almost perfect and that she loved me dearly).

This phase lasted some 40 days. She looked a total stranger to me, an hypnotized woman, totally plagiarized, unrecognizable...

Her first and up to date only words of remorse came 4 months after the confrontation day, when the videos came out. Asked me for forgiveness, more than once. Appeared sincere and her feet seemed at last to touch again the ground.

Let's go to the current day. Rug-sweeping, minimizing, diverting the discussion, is what I see. She wants to "forget", to "rebuild", to "leave this story behind". Trifles.

Some months ago she even blurted:"To me this was just a life experience, not good, neither bad. I don't see how this story damaged my reputation". Go figure...

Apparently she doesn't understand the consequences of what she did, of pretends not to.

No way I will trust or love her again. Esteem is gone and won't come back. Nothing to rebuild here. I just wait for the time to be mature, then I go.

[Turning point]

Not in my case. My revenge fling helped me to find myself back. It had nothing to do with lashing out.

 

I'm suggesting this isn't the guy you were before. This guy seems to be something new. Most of us on this site have already walked the path you're on in one form or another. We have the hindsight you might be still have yet to acquire.

 

I also can't help notice you don't hesitate to use the word "revenge" when talking about this affair. In time, the revenge may produce a reaction in your marriage. In more time you may feel very different about it.

 

Here's some other food for thought:

If infidelity alone was the source of all your anguish, it is unlikely you could bring yourself to retaliate in kind. It would be unthinkable. Yet, it clearly provided you with something you wanted - and while you call it "masculinity" if you take some time to dig deeper you may discover it to be something else which won't serve you well the long run.

[CheatedCheater]

I'm suggesting this isn't the guy you were before.

 

Ah, this is little but sure.

 

 

I also can't help notice you don't hesitate to use the word "revenge" when talking about this affair.

 

Nono.... I used the expression "revenge fling" because this is what I saw it is used in the English speaking Countries, not because I intended it as a revenge!

To me, the revenge aspect was marginal in that story.

What mattered was finding myself again, showing that I could find other women and go with them without problems.

Self-reassurance, not vengeance.

I know that many people here will consider this behaviour childish and wrong, but I did it and, if I could go back, no doubt I would do it again.

 

 

In time, the revenge may produce a reaction in your marriage. In more time you may feel very different about it.

 

Please elaborate: not clear. For the moment I do not "feel very different about it", whatever it might mean....

 

 

Here's some other food for thought:

If infidelity alone was the source of all your anguish, it is unlikely you could bring yourself to retaliate in kind. It would be unthinkable.

 

To me infidelity alone is more than enough to consider retaliation, although, in my case, the vengeance aspect was not what led me to the action.

And, yes, the source of my anguish wasn't the affair in itself, but its consequences: the huge public scandal, the psychological damage done to the child, the fact that I had to face dangerous people to save my family and so on. It was simply unbelievable.

 

 

Yet, it clearly provided you with something you wanted - and while you call it "masculinity" if you take some time to dig deeper you may discover it to be something else which won't serve you well the long run.

 

If finding your soul again and recovering virility is marginal to you, well, it's fundamental to me, I'm sorry...

[Just a Guy]

Hi CC, your answer to my questions indicate very clearly, that your wife is not at all remorseful and neither is she aware of the fact that she has caused grievous damage to your marriage and tremendous hurt to you. She is not a safe partner and never will be. What you do with your life after this is up to you but be certain of one thing, you will be harming yourself knowingly if you choose to stay with her and the next time she betrays you will be worse.

 

You are now forewarned and forearmed. Warm wishes.

[CheatedCheater]

Hi CC, your answer to my questions indicate very clearly, that your wife is not at all remorseful and neither is she aware of the fact that she has caused grievous damage to your marriage and tremendous hurt to you. She is not a safe partner and never will be. What you do with your life after this is up to you but be certain of one thing, you will be harming yourself knowingly if you choose to stay with her and the next time she betrays you will be worse.

 

You are now forewarned and forearmed. Warm wishes.

 

I must agree on every word you wrote except for:

 

the next time she betrays you will be worse

 

No. I am prepared. Almost impossible that she does worse than the first time.

 

Warmest regards, JAG...

[Orokotikki]

Some months ago she even blurted:"To me this was just a life experience, not good, neither bad. I don't see how this story damaged my reputation". Go figure...

 

Ugh, barf.

There is a special circle of hell for her no doubt.

I would worry about what tolerating may teach your children.

I hope you get out of infidelity and into the light.

Best wishes.

[CheatedCheater]

Ugh, barf.

There is a special circle of hell for her no doubt.

I would worry about what tolerating may teach your children.

I hope you get out of infidelity and into the light.

Best wishes.

 

Actually, if you look at her, she is a perfect wife and mother...

If you didn't know what she did, you would never imagine it.

Difficult (impossible...) for me to understand her.

 

Best wishes to you too!

[Orokotikki]

I get what you mean, its kind of like saying the kids have the perfect kindergarten teacher,

 

except that a few years ago that teacher served put arsenic in the kool aid she gave a pair of parents for their own gratification, it was great laugh and made one of the other parents say such nice things to her for a while,

 

but they were sorry about it and won't do it again, maybe got counseling.

I mean one is pretty sure they won't, and anyways the poisoned parents lived, just a bit crippled mentally,

 

but they're just fantastic with the kids, and give them a little extra recess time and do all the voices when they read them a story, and could never imagine they would so much as strike one of them.

[michzz]

One of the hardest things to do is to work through the realization that one's cheating spouse is not the person you thought they were.

 

To find out that they do not share the same ideals as you do, to be faithful, to not expose their partner to STIs, to share intimacy only with you.

 

The shock can be so great it can you knock you into a type of post-traumatic response that takes years to recover from.

 

When you look at your cheating wife, as I did mine (now ex), it is almost impossible to reconcile the pretty woman before you with the ugliness of her behavior.

 

You want to believe her, that she won't be that way anymore, that she will be what you thought she was.

 

The problem is, there is a flaw in her character,.

 

You doing emotional cartwheels to find a way to explain it, or doing a lot of pick-me dancing will not change who she really is.

 

Going out and banging other women in revenge doesn't help either. For one, if you reveal that to her? To her, it levels the playing field. You sink to her level.

 

Your best bet? Hold your head high and divorce her.

 

Impact on children? You bet there is. Just as there is for staying.

 

Ultimately, you set an example by what crap you will tolerate in your life and for what nurturing you do for your kids.

 

An unremorseful cheater?

 

Yuck.

Edited March 19, 2019 by michzz

[CheatedCheater]

Michzz, (unfortunately) you are right on the money: she is not the woman I thought she was; and by far, too.

I can't say she is unremorseful, but at least she doesn't understand the severity of the damage she caused.

As soon as the situation allows it, I'll divorce her, but it's a tremendous decision for me.

Best of life to you.

[notbroken]

I could have made the same list you did. I stayed married 'for the kids'. Single biggest mistake of my life. It did NOT benefit the kids (they sense the problems in the house and it will cause them relationship problems themselves). Quit making excuses. Yes it is hard but just divorce her asap and make the best life possible for you and your children. The anger you are holding onto is NOT a path to happiness or a good outcome for anyone. If you can't let it go (I couldn't and suspect you can't) then find a way to work out a divorce.