Physical affair of wife? Baselines for the aftermath.

[CheatedCheater]

I could have made the same list you did. I stayed married 'for the kids'. Single biggest mistake of my life. It did NOT benefit the kids (they sense the problems in the house and it will cause them relationship problems themselves). Quit making excuses. Yes it is hard but just divorce her asap and make the best life possible for you and your children. The anger you are holding onto is NOT a path to happiness or a good outcome for anyone. If you can't let it go (I couldn't and suspect you can't) then find a way to work out a divorce.

 

With pleasure, if you give me the money to pay two rents, twice fixed expenses, alimonies (as a prize for cheating on me, I suppose), plus the risk that the other man (who served time behind bars) comes up again and involves her in some new "initiative", with the concrete possibility that my daughter gets involved too.

Yuck.

[notbroken]

Aren't those the same things every divorced person has to deal with - or at least ones not extremely wealthy? Yes - they are big hills to climb. BTDT. Likely not truly insurmountable or at least not for the millions of people that divorce every year that somehow find a way. Is living with your cheating wife in a better environment better than a lower standard of living - maybe much lower? Only you can decide that. Many people may be having trouble getting by with one household - how to do it with two? However, they find a way. I suspect you can too if you really want to - and your wife will have to get a job if she doesn't already have one and suffer financially too as a result of her actions. There are lots of sacrifices and difficulties in divorce but the current state of limbo/anger is going to eat you alive. It sure did for me. By the time I did divorce I was a shadow of my former self. Age took it's toll about twice as fast as it should have. I should NOT have waited but maybe it will work out differently for you.

 

Fix it or break it is about the best advice I can give (ie. find a way to divorce or somehow move on as best as possible). For me personally, the period I wanted to divorce but didn't is the biggest regret I have. I thought I couldn't afford it. The truth is I could have but would have had to lower both our standard of living). I wanted to live with my kids, etc. I did get to do that but it wasn't a healthy environment for them. In the end all waiting did was extend the misery for us all. I hope things turn out differently for you. Best wishes.

[aliveagain]

Friend, you need to decide if staying with your wife because of finances is worth the cost your paying with your integrity and respect. You can never make those video's go away and she can never unf**k herself. It seems like the other men have profited by the misery they and your wife have brought into your life. If I recall correctly your wife wanted to divorce you and live with one of the other men. Just to see how hard it would be to find such a video I went to a site that featured amateur porn(I had to ask a few single friends for site names) and found one that really stood out to me of a couple in a corner of a restaurant kitchen. The other man,chef, even signaled to the camera after he was done, like he knew others would be watching it. The woman involved had no hesitation and was more then obliging in performing the various sexual acts. I was quite shocked to see just how many video's of married women(who didn't know they were being recorded) were posted. I guess the sicko's don't expect their married affair partners to go to those sites and see what they posted.

 

Your daughters could do the exact same thing I did. I do not know your wife but they would have no trouble recognizing her if they saw the same video I did. There are a lot of sick twisted people out there that get off off on destroying others. The other man posted the video for bragging rights and easy cash without any concern for you, your daughters or your wife. You can not control others, you can only control yourself. Things have a way of coming into the light. Think really hard about what is the best for you and your girls. Things can be replaced, wasted time can not.

[CheatedCheater]

Aliveagain, Notbroken, thanks for your words.

There is basically nothing I can add to them.

You are good people. I wish you the best.

[bigman1]

You posit a rather dystopian view of divorce. 2 rents, possibly your daughter being molested or something. Really just a smokescreen.

 

Until a judge orders that stuff, it ain't happening. If a lawyer told you that was THE outcome then don't use that lawyer. Lawyers go to court, fight, file motions, make demands and then the judge rules. No one can foresee the actual future. If you are barely making it now, I doubt a judge would make you pay 2 rents. Heck, you could live inhouse until divorce finalized.

 

Dudes who don't want divorce tell you the obstacles to divorce. Dudes who want happiness and the best future for themselves and kids fight for it. Bottom line, if you have lost it all in your mind then you have lost because you wont try or if you did try you won't try hard.

 

If you want to stay, stay. Deal with the crap and do whatever it takes to keep doing it. Be intellectually and emotionally honest with yourself about that. If you want out, there is a well established way out. Take it.

[pepperbird]

op,

I know you think staying is the best choice, and I can understand that.

the thing is, kids know.

I still remembers sitting with my son at about 4:00 in the morning when my husband was cheating. He was just six at the time. We couldn't sleep because it was frickin' hot, and he asked me "where's daddy? Why does he make you cry?".

 

That's when I knew I had to fix the mess. I didn't want him to think this was normal for a family. Lucky for me, my husband came clean to me the next day, and we began to find our way forward.

 

 

 

This was from my autistic son. Kids know. They almost always do.

[Whoknew30]

Hi CC, your answer to my questions indicate very clearly, that your wife is not at all remorseful and neither is she aware of the fact that she has caused grievous damage to your marriage and tremendous hurt to you. She is not a safe partner and never will be. What you do with your life after this is up to you but be certain of one thing, you will be harming yourself knowingly if you choose to stay with her and the next time she betrays you will be worse.

 

You are now forewarned and forearmed. Warm wishes.

 

Well considering they’re “both” cheaters...they’re both untrustworthy & he’s no better bc he also blames his actions on her vs owning he’s not really better.

 

OP...if you can’t get over it, you should leave. I’ve been on both sides & we both handled our issues wrong...one was not more guilty or innocent than the other. Many people that get cheated on don’t cheat back. No one stopped you from leaving her & she didn’t make you do anything you did not choose to do.

 

If you want to really save it than you have to really try...that’s obviously a personal choice but to sit & say for years you can’t forgive or forget is on you. You sound like you don’t handle things in a healthy proactive way & blame your wife. Bad things happen to us all & how we choose to handle it can’t be blamed on anything or anyone else.

 

Your feelings are justified but your actions show you’re not any better than what you’re pointing at. If you allowed yourself to turn into what you hate...who’s fault is that really?

[CheatedCheater]

You posit a rather dystopian view of divorce. 2 rents, possibly your daughter being molested or something. Really just a smokescreen.

 

No way. It's the hard truth. You are justified: I haven't described the whole situation, since it got quite serious and it is not a pleasure at all to write about it.

 

Until a judge orders that stuff, it ain't happening. If a lawyer told you that was THE outcome then don't use that lawyer. Lawyers go to court, fight, file motions, make demands and then the judge rules. No one can foresee the actual future. If you are barely making it now, I doubt a judge would make you pay 2 rents. Heck, you could live inhouse until divorce finalized.

 

Your faith in the so called "justice" is touching, especially when it comes to a divorce from a younger foreigner with no-$$$...

I am not pennyless, but I wouldn't like to give her 50% of my capital.

And this isn't the most important reason. The safety of my daughter is.

[CheatedCheater]

op,

I know you think staying is the best choice [...]

Kids know. They almost always do.

 

In another thread I clearly stated that my daughter knows almost everything. It was impossible to take her out of this horrible story (I was alone then, fighting the group of people who tried to turn my wife into a xxxx, taking care of the kid and desperately trying to control my wife and to avoid her doing other crazy stuff - she had lost her head for the other man, who wasn't exactly a saint; that required 40 really hard days and 3 further months of strict control).

But the object of this thread is not that of reviving the other one, but to write down a list of FACTS, from my personal point of view, of what happens after a man is cheated on by his wife.

[CheatedCheater]

Well considering they’re “both” cheaters...they’re both untrustworthy & he’s no better bc he also blames his actions on her vs owning he’s not really better.

 

Look, it is not a competition. I don't care who is better and who is worse, I am not saying that I am and anyway it is not the point of this thread (this was dealt with in another thread).

 

 

[...] Many people that get cheated on don’t cheat back.

 

I explained why I did it.

I had been strictly faithful to her for 12 years (and not for lack of opportunities). Then I found out what she had done, with an old criminal, in restaurant kitchens (among others), with no STD-protections, under videocameras, etc., etc. That man sold the videos and distributed them among our acquaintances; he also used those images to facilitate the selling of the restaurant, "selling" my wife to the new owner.

Other people of the group came up and, given the extreme "availability" of my wife, proposed to turn her to a whxre (there were no brothels of Slavonic women in that Country and they thought it would have been much appreciated by the locals). My wife's lover quickly began to prepare for this new step of the affair and, when I found out this horrible story, it was only days or weeks away from this project to be real.

My daughter would have been indirectly involved in all this.

 

It is next to impossible to describe the whole story here and to tell you how I felt after it (imagine that I had always thought of my wife as a spotless woman, not to say of the "friends" that we had there). The pain was unbelievable. Something inside me died. I seriously considered extreme actions and only the presence of the kid prevented me.

 

I began to see the light again only when I met this woman. And this time I said yes, instead of the usual no. And it was right, because I feel again alive.

Please mind, no STD-risk here, no videocameras, no jail guys, no whxres. Nothing. Just finding back my very self.

Do I feel remorseful? NO.

Am I to be put at the same level of my wife? I don't think so, but it's not on me to tell that.

Am I a saint? NO. But I gave everything to my wife and see what I got back.

Will I leave the new woman? No.

Am I doing the right thing? I think I am, but, again, it's not on me to state that.

 

 

No one stopped you from leaving her

 

If that were the case, I would have already left her since the confrontation day.

 

 

& she didn’t make you do anything you did not choose to do.

 

This is 101% true.

 

 

[....]You sound like you don’t handle things in a healthy proactive way & blame your wife.

 

Hahaha! Not healthy and proactive... Yeah, right.

You probably don't see (as I didn't write that before) that I saved the lives of both my wife and daughter, given the situation in which she had put us...

And you also could not see (my bad, again) that the "usual" reaction to an affair like that could have landed someone behind bars forever and someone else underground.

 

I blame my wife? Noo... she deserves a medal for what she did...

 

For the moment I stay.

When my daughter is grown up enough to avoid being involved in dirty stories in case the other man comes back if my wife is free, then I go.

Simple and plain. Right or wrong, I don't care.

[Whoknew30]

Look, it is not a competition. I don't care who is better and who is worse, I am not saying that I am and anyway it is not the point of this thread (this was dealt with in another thread).

 

 

 

 

I explained why I did it.

I had been strictly faithful to her for 12 years (and not for lack of opportunities). Then I found out what she had done, with an old criminal, in restaurant kitchens (among others), with no STD-protections, under videocameras, etc., etc. That man sold the videos and distributed them among our acquaintances; he also used those images to facilitate the selling of the restaurant, "selling" my wife to the new owner.

Other people of the group came up and, given the extreme "availability" of my wife, proposed to turn her to a whxre (there were no brothels of Slavonic women in that Country and they thought it would have been much appreciated by the locals). My wife's lover quickly began to prepare for this new step of the affair and, when I found out this horrible story, it was only days or weeks away from this project to be real.

My daughter would have been indirectly involved in all this.

 

It is next to impossible to describe the whole story here and to tell you how I felt after it (imagine that I had always thought of my wife as a spotless woman, not to say of the "friends" that we had there). The pain was unbelievable. Something inside me died. I seriously considered extreme actions and only the presence of the kid prevented me.

 

I began to see the light again only when I met this woman. And this time I said yes, instead of the usual no. And it was right, because I feel again alive.

Please mind, no STD-risk here, no videocameras, no jail guys, no whxres. Nothing. Just finding back my very self.

Do I feel remorseful? NO.

Am I to be put at the same level of my wife? I don't think so, but it's not on me to tell that.

Am I a saint? NO. But I gave everything to my wife and see what I got back.

Will I leave the new woman? No.

Am I doing the right thing? I think I am, but, again, it's not on me to state that.

 

 

 

 

If that were the case, I would have already left her since the confrontation day.

 

 

 

 

This is 101% true.

 

 

[....]You sound like you don’t handle things in a healthy proactive way & blame your wife.

 

Hahaha! Not healthy and proactive... Yeah, right.

You probably don't see (as I didn't write that before) that I saved the lives of both my wife and daughter, given the situation in which she had put us...

And you also could not see (my bad, again) that the "usual" reaction to an affair like that could have landed someone behind bars forever and someone else underground.

 

I blame my wife? Noo... she deserves a medal for what she did...

 

For the moment I stay.

When my daughter is grown up enough to avoid being involved in dirty stories in case the other man comes back if my wife is free, then I go.

Simple and plain. Right or wrong, I don't care.

 

The point is you need help! Major help bc you honestly sound all over the place & not exactly coming from a mentally sound logic...there’s no way your at a healthy place for your daughter.

 

Yes I think Not only are you on the same level as your wife...I think Maybe some of this being all over the place may have existed before she had an affair. We don’t know only going by what you say & what you’re saying is all over the place.

 

It’s kind of hard to believe you’re so afraid that your wife is going to get your daughter into porn but you won’t leave her & take your daughter with you. Once again if that’s true & you’re staying...something really wrong.

[CheatedCheater]

[...]

 

It’s kind of hard to believe you’re so afraid that your wife is going to get your daughter into porn but you won’t leave her & take your daughter with you. Once again if that’s true & you’re staying...something really wrong.

 

Sir, what I wrote is, unfortunately, all true. I wish it weren't.

I cannot describe here the whole situation that I found myself in, both because it was a long and complex story and because it is sad and, frankly spoken, utterly disgusting to me.

I'm here just to warn other husbands about what an apparently perfect wife, in an apparently perfect family, is sometimes capable to do.

 

I don't care if you think I'm mad or what and, by the way, the aim of this thread is not that of discussing what happened to me, but to examine the permanent leftovers after a husband is cheated on by his wife.

 

I carefully weighed all the legal alternatives.

What matters to me is that my family (or what's left of it...) now is in a calm and, above all, safe condition. That is what I'm looking for at the moment.

In the future, we will see.

Cheers.

[pepperbird]

Wait a minute before you o any further.

 

 

Did your wife give her permission to have sex with these men, be video taped, etc.? Did she agree to be sold as part of a restaurant deal? Is that what you're saying? That this was all done with her complete knowledge and consent?

If it was, then she sounds like she has some serious issues.

[CheatedCheater]

Wait a minute before you o any further. Did your wife give her permission to have sex with these men, be video taped, etc.? Did she agree to be sold as part of a restaurant deal? Is that what you're saying? That this was all done with her complete knowledge and consent?

If it was, then she sounds like she has some serious issues.

 

My wife gave full consent to have sex with both men. With the first one had complete intercourses, only petting with the second one.

From what I read in her chats, she was in love with the first one and disgusted by the second, but accepted to be kissed and touched by him only to avoid losing her job in the kitchen.

She was perfectly aware of the existence of the videocameras, but did not care about them, for a variety of reasons: at first she told me that "she thought that they did not work or were switched off" (this is ludicrous, because the system had been fixed and modernized the month before the beginning of her physical affair and a monitor, put on the recorder, was constantly alive, with all the camera outputs visible in separate boxes), then she admitted that she knew she had been recorded, but that "he loved her and so he would never have played such a joke on her" and other absurdities.

Anyway, she did not give her consent to the distribution of the videos, uploading to XXX sites, etc....

She was not aware of the plans of "selling her" with the restaurant (but the second cook told her flatly about that, yet she did not believe him!!!), neither of the further plans of opening a brothel, etc... This was something that I found out 4 months after the confrontation day, to my utter astonishment...

[aliveagain]

CheatedCheater, does your daughter knows all this information, that her mother was going to be who*ed out? Does your daughter know about the video's? Just how badly did your wife think you needed the money if she stayed with those conditions when her lover sold the business? If that is the case the best thing you can do is make sure your daughter has plenty of counselling. Her view of a marriage is what she see's from her parents, ouch. CC I know you can do a whole lot better then this, why settle, being alone is better then this. Life is just too short and you can't get the time you wasted back.

[CheatedCheater]

CheatedCheater, does your daughter know all this information, that her mother was going to be who*ed out? Does your daughter know about the video's? Just how badly did your wife think you needed the money if she stayed with those conditions when her lover sold the business? If that is the case the best thing you can do is make sure your daughter has plenty of counselling. Her view of a marriage is what she see's from her parents, ouch. CC I know you can do a whole lot better then this, why settle, being alone is better then this. Life is just too short and you can't get the time you wasted back.

 

I don't think she knows the whole details about the final part of the story, that, anyway, never became reality. Luckily.

I'm afraid that she knows about the videos, maybe not the details, but their existence yes....

We did NOT need any money at that time. She was lured into being considered "someone": courted by many men, receiving compliments as a cook, promises of a brilliant career, etc.... She was sort of hypnotized, if you know what I mean.

My daughter needs counseling. I know. The damage made to her was severe. I lost my sleep for that.

[sandylee1]

Your wife's affair was terrible and I don't believe you're on her level at all. I totally understand why you went on to cheat.

 

Women in affairs can be coerced and manipulated to do ridiculous things...they are 100% to blame for that.

 

I can see why you want to protect your daughter from that chaos... especially as your wife isn't really remorseful and could be pulled back into it.

 

She doesn't seem to have learned how bad what she did is. This OM selling videos to people you knew...I don't know how the poster above dares to compare that to your affair.

[CheatedCheater]

Your wife's affair was terrible and I don't believe you're on her level at all. I totally understand why you went on to cheat.

 

Thank you, Sandy....

 

 

Women in affairs can be coerced and manipulated to do ridiculous things...they are 100% to blame for that.

 

I see a remarkable manipulation in this case. She fell into a clever trap.

Not that I justify her, let's state that clearly.

 

 

I can see why you want to protect your daughter from that chaos... especially as your wife isn't really remorseful and could be pulled back into it.

 

You perfectly understood the situation.

 

She doesn't seem to have learned how bad what she did is.

 

This is unfortunately very likely. I would say certain, if I listened to my instinct...

 

 

This OM selling videos to people you knew...I don't know how the poster above dares to compare that to your affair.

 

This is something that I frankly found weird, but I didn't care and I go forward.

 

I wish you not a great, but a huge life.

[aliveagain]

I don't know the laws in Italy but I am sure that selling sex video's of your wife taken in secret are against the law. Have you talked to a lawyer about that? You might end up owning his restaurant with the proper legal counsel.

[CheatedCheater]

I don't know the laws in Italy but I am sure that selling sex video's of your wife taken in secret are against the law. Have you talked to a lawyer about that? You might end up owning his restaurant with the proper legal counsel.

 

Of course i talked to a lawyer AND it is illegal, but....

...it didn't happen in Italy, neither in Europe,

so our courts have no jurisdiction for this crime.

Moreover, my wife asked to abstain from any step in that direction,

since it would be a further involvment in this horrible story.

Owning that restaurant?! For nothing in the whole world I would go again to that Country, consult lawyers there, police, judges, etc and have something to do with those Italians...

There is nothing to do but trying to leave this behind and divorcing her as soon as times are mature.

Cheers.

[pepperbird]

I can completely understand why you want to divorce, but are you sure waiting is the right route? Will you be able to keep your emotions under control while you wait?

[CheatedCheater]

I can completely understand why you want to divorce, but are you sure waiting is the right route? Will you be able to keep your emotions under control while you wait?

 

It is damn difficult to do; unfortunately I have no alternatives but to withstand the situation.

I am not sure what you mean by keeping the emotions under control. If you are afraid that I might harm her, there is no risk: I do not hate her, only a huge sense of pity for what she's done to the 3 of us.

I wish I could leave this story behind me and go on with the marriage as nothing happened, but it's beyond my abilities, alas....

Greetings!

[pepperbird]

It is damn difficult to do; unfortunately I have no alternatives but to withstand the situation.

 

Greetings!

 

 

That's really unfortunate.

 

 

It does sound like you are being really strong and providing a role model for your daughter of what good parenting can be.

[CheatedCheater]

That's really unfortunate.

It does sound like you are being really strong and providing a role model for your daughter of what good parenting can be.

 

Thank you for your kind words, but I'm not even a model for myself, go figure for my daughter... I do what I can. Not that much indeed.