I feel half dead.. my heart needs help

[laughoften]

My boyfriend and I just started our sophomore year of college and we are in the ****s.. all because of me.

 

Over the summer, we lived with our parents. I lived in Colorado, he lived in Ohio. I resented going back because I knew that my parents' relationship was not healthy (yelling, bitching, irrational/ hurtful comments all the time, disrespect). Around two and a half weeks after saying goodbye, we missed each other so badly.. we had seen each other nearly everyday when at school and the most time we ever spent away from each other was like two weeks. We knew that we were going to see each other one way or another before school started, so that was something to look forward to.

 

My parents' relationship was, by that time, bringing me down and not having the person i loved and needed more than anything in the world around didn't help either. We talked on the phone at least once every couple of days; i tried to ignore how depressed i was getting and just tried to sound happy. i remember mentioning to him that i was feeling down because my parents bitch at each other every 10 min.. and i felt really weak when i told him. Most of the time he was lighthearted and happy on the phone, so it was a joy to talk to him.

 

I flew out to visit him at the beginning of June and I was gunna stay for two weeks; for 5 days of that, we would be in Florida layin on the beach.. his family would come too:-). Wow, we had an absolute blast with each other as we always do. I bonded with his sister, too. Knowing i had to go back home sometime really vexed me.. i was kind of in a daze the last day i was with him.

 

Back at my house issues surrounding my parents were getting worse and i was starting to run out of ways to separate my mind and body from the hell. All of my best friends were moving away at almost the same time, so i tried to occupy myself with helping them pack, but when they left, i couldn't spend the night when things got nasty and irrational at home.

 

I fell into depression. When i talked to my bf i hate little to say that was exciting and uplifting, like i usually am, personally. The little things would start to vex me.. i would take things so personally.. like when he would say, "can i call u back later".. i would think that he was blowing me off and that he thought he had no time to talk to me anymore cuz he was having so.much.fun. i was jealous, mostly. i was so miserable and i started to actually listen to what my parents had to say to each other and i developed a pessimistic state of mind.

 

I started to think that even though i, along with a lot of other people thought we were meant to be, being promised to each other just wasn't worth it. Thanks mom and dad. The fact that me and my bf's conversations were becoming shallow made me hide in my anger and sadness..

 

I got extremely waisted at a "friend" 's house the friday before i would see my boyfriend. My bf was pretty sketched out that i was with 9 guys and 2 drunk, helpless girls. I was drunk by the time i talked to him and i said "hun, not to worry.. they're all friends" (WRONG) i vaguely remember him calling again and me sayin ".. well im too drunk to go anywhere else.. i don't wanna be here anymore.. im gunna crash soon, gnite". (WRONG)

 

i was drunk and got stupidly pissed that my bf doubted me and thought i was gunna cheat. (WRONG) all of my feelings and problems hit my brain and i was not myself anymore. i said **** it, **** everything.. n i passed out on this guys bed thinking that something COULD happen.. i hoped it wouldn't.. but if it did, so what. (WRONG i was so waisted WRONG) the kid that lived there came in n we started kissin, and in a matter of seconds he was inside me. after like 20 seconds of pure hell. i pushed him away and sheepishly put back on my cloths. he said, "so ur just gunna leave me hangin?" i said " yes. i am." i spent the rest of the night cryin.. it didn't feel drunk anymore.. i felt like part of me had died.

 

I didn't tell my bf when he called the next day. I was in a daze (SOO SOO stupid) In fact, i didn't tell him over the next too weeks.

 

One night here at school he calls me up.. he's tripping on acid.. and he tells me that he'd just been talking to some ppl from my home town and he heard about what i did. I was in a trap. I knew he was tripping, but i knew that probably everything he heard and was freakin out about was true. i went over to his apartment and told him what happened, but not that i had sex, i knew that since he was drugged he'd prolly never live through that night. so i told him everything in the morning and he forgave me. the next day i was questioning everything.. i called him and said it was over; he told me to stop talking crazy and to call him when i was thinking rationally. ahhh.

 

We got into an arguement the other day after i heard him call me a bitch behind a closed door and i ran off to a party with one of his friends..... (this all is sooo ****ed up, pleeease help). We were still mad at each other yesterday, so we agreed that we needed to talk and figure out our issues. i threw out one time we could get together, he said that wouldn't work.. i said that we need to make time to talk so we can have some closure. this led to him telling me that he forgot that i even cheated on him. i had to remind him (o my god..) he was like "did u **** him" "u never told me u ****ed him"... i think it was just sinkin in. He said the next time i saw him i would have to get on my knees and beg because he had never been betrayed so badly in his entire life. i told him that i don't beg and that he would have to make his own decision. to that he said he will make his decision based on my actions. i really don't know what that means.. fill me in, you all are welcome.

 

So we are at the point where i've said i love you and i know that the pair of are stronger than all this bull**** combined. How confident should i feel that we can get passed all this?