Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Hello All, I have come out of a relationship a year ago now and I decided I wasn't going to look for anything for at least six months or date anyone. I fell into dating a man from my work. (I say my work he is connected to my work, we don't sit in an office next to one another - I see him once every 3-4 months at meetings on average). I thought he was nice, my age, funny but didn't really know him. Long story short, he was extremely flakey. One word texts, turned up late, didn't arrange dates very often. I found this really hard, much harder than I ever thought I would. I was in tears, had feelings of rage. I am sure this is old wounds coming up for me. Anyway I ended things and that was now 4 months ago. I feel quite scared to date again, this is silly as I'm a brave person...all the things I've done in my life. When I think of dating I think of all the disappointments which this recent experience reminded me of, the sinking feeling you get when they don't call, when you just feel so unimportant in their lives. I really struggle with the emotions. I just wonder when I will be 'normal' again and able to cope with dating without crying at the smallest disappointment? Sunny 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Just a suggestion: maybe see the whole thing as feeling lack of control. You want to be able to predict this or that should happen. When it doesn't, you're frustrated. Sometimes it is a nice exercise to live and do some things completely random and spontaneous. Can be as simple as taking a different route on your commute. Or if you travel, take off without a plan. In dating as in life, be serious and sincere but be prepared for the unexpected. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 We've all had trouble with roller coaster emotions, and especially in the beginning when you don't want to just run the other person off, you will hold back and let them get away with stuff like being late, when you should just, at 20 minutes after if having not heard a good excuse from him yet, pick up your purse and go out and not be there when and if he shows up. You train people how to treat you. It's down to ethics. An ethical person will not BE late without a good reason and contacting you if possible. A jerk will look at you now chewing him out and still being available when he shows up late as a pushover who he can do whatever he wants to and act badly with and have no care or obligations with and will take full advantage of that. And there are plenty of guys who will do that if you stick around. Learn to see the red flag and BAIL early so you don't get attached just because they're nice to you when you're having sex, because that means n-o-t-h-i-n-g except that they're in love with sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Phase_shift22 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Perhaps this is the coward's way out, but I usually try to keep myself busy either with work or various hobbies (photography, cooking, martial arts, tennis, etc.). Having such a large amount of activities and also the schedule keeps you from having long idle periods of time to stew. I think for me personally, it's a confidence booster since, to me, I feel like I'm defined by a lot more than just a relationship with someone else. I'm not saying it eliminate the emotional stress, but, at least for me, it lessens it to a degree. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Just a suggestion: maybe see the whole thing as feeling lack of control. You want to be able to predict this or that should happen. When it doesn't, you're frustrated. Sometimes it is a nice exercise to live and do some things completely random and spontaneous. Can be as simple as taking a different route on your commute. Or if you travel, take off without a plan. In dating as in life, be serious and sincere but be prepared for the unexpected. Great points! And you need to have things going on in your life that you really care about. For women, i think it's a little bit harder because we care about and put high value (often the highest) our personal relationships such as friendships, dating, family. So a little tougher to get around than it probably is for guys but anyhow, if you know what you should do all you need to do is execute that. I agree 100% with Gretchen. I think you are jumping to the end. "Where is this going, is he the one" rather than just living in the moment and not taking it or yourself so seriously. Sometimes a relationship is just meant to be an experience that teaches you something, that you enjoy until you don't anymore. So take the pressure and emotion off yourself by adopting that mentality. Be more carefree, set other "goals" when you go on a date. Reduce what you want the "outcome" to be. Rather than create the ideal, perfect, husband-type relationship, maybe it's just a fun night that is about the activity you guys chose to do and getting to know someone a little better and test your dating abilities, exercise your charm so to speak. If you shift your perspective it can change things. Funny if you take the pressure off (which the other person usually feels in some way or another), good things happen. You also stop trying to "sell" yourself to the other person and turn much more into a "buyer". Is this person worthy enough to take up space in my life? What value does he add? How would he really fit in? It's magnetic typically to have that perspective shift. I hope you try it. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 Sunnyday ... my response ... your reaction simply shows that you want to go out a lot more frequently ... and give your more mature self some credit. You won't put up with all the stuff you put up with as a younger person. So those alarms and fears sounding off ... they're over-reacting ... acting out of habit and reflex ... you were disappointed that this guy seemed to have potential and then turned out to be such a flake ... So you put a lot of hope into this guy ... Ok ... now, keep meeting people and keep going out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Yes I did put a lot of hope in him! He was a major disappointment. I learnt, I'm okay now. It was the first toe in the dating pond since my relationship and I was a bit vulnerable. I see it as a learning experience. I feel braver and wiser now. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Hi Sunny, how long did you date him? Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 Someone on this forum once wrote that one should go into the dating world with no expectations. Enjoy each date with the person you like as if it were your last because it could very well be, with that person. Planning for a long-term relationship has proven to be a disappointment. So I date and try and date again. In the mean time, I try to enjoy what little fun each date brings my way. Hopefully one day I'll find the one. If there are enough red flags by the first few dates, I'm out. There's no point in wasting time or sticking around long enough to get attached. I have also learned that taking things slow gives me time to reflect on each date. That way I'm not blindly swept away by the excitement of getting into a potential relationship. It's a work in progress. Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Someone on this forum once wrote that one should go into the dating world with no expectations. Enjoy each date with the person you like as if it were your last because it could very well be, with that person. Planning for a long-term relationship has proven to be a disappointment. So I date and try and date again. In the mean time, I try to enjoy what little fun each date brings my way. Hopefully one day I'll find the one. If there are enough red flags by the first few dates, I'm out. There's no point in wasting time or sticking around long enough to get attached. I have also learned that taking things slow gives me time to reflect on each date. That way I'm not blindly swept away by the excitement of getting into a potential relationship. It's a work in progress. This is good advice. Also, perhaps focus on more on self-care and less on dating. This helped me better analyze the impact that potential relationships might have on my personal life. If you are crying at the slightest disappointment, it might be good to take a break from dating for a little while to find yourself again. Or take it less seriously at least. Link to post Share on other sites
Tgal Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I'm noticing this myself. The older I get, the stronger I feel in so many ways. But, at the same time... I think my heart has worn out a bit. The beginning BS of dating has felt like a bit too much for me and then I want to crawl into a cave. Can we just hurry to where the laying around, snuggling, and trust is? Lol The early stages of dating can be hard. But, I am glad you posted this topic and I'm thankful for some of the replies here because there are some great ideas for changing the mindset. I will try. As soon as i crawl out of my cave again. Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Antics Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 Hell, I'm just holding out for a sex robot and then it's sayonara to the dating scene. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 Can we just hurry to where the laying around, snuggling, and trust is? Lol Haha! 100% agree! It's so hard to get back to normal after a failed relationship. However, I think it's totally worth it to try again once you're back on your feet. Feeling love for and cuddling up with your sweetheart is so wonderful! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 lt is it is. But lately l'm wondering . The maintenance , the trying , the complications that come with even it seems the best of them , relationships, after marriage, after other stuff, man , so much easier alone and l'm really wondering if it's even worth bothering. Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 The maintenance , the trying , the complications that come with even it seems the best of them ... l'm really wondering if it's even worth bothering. Yes, it is worth bothering! As long as there is a commitment to an open dialog and solving problems together, these issues can be managed. Expectations need to be realistic too. Speaking for myself, I'm super excited about this idea, and it's going well so far. My goal is never to hear the words, "Why didn't you tell me?" Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (edited) Nice to hear sd , wish you the very best with things. Can't complain , actually l'm one lucky fkr to have what we do and to be getting such a second chance as this, But it's funny you mention communication, which is what has me into a bit of a negative. She's great , we're great , we can talk about anything, but the problem is l've realized late things l thought were clear and on the same page, weren't at all. lt's not about us it's just we speak two different languages and it can get difficult at times , and if that's when if it's something really important it's sometimes hard to know . We resort to text and email if we have to that was always our back up and a bit easier but interpretations can still get a bit tricky there too. Anyway , good luck . Edited March 23, 2019 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Yes, it is worth bothering! As long as there is a commitment to an open dialog and solving problems together, these issues can be managed. Expectations need to be realistic too. Speaking for myself, I'm super excited about this idea, and it's going well so far. My goal is never to hear the words, "Why didn't you tell me?" This is a lot of my issue with dating. People don't try to work on problems, they just up and leave for someone else. I've fought to keep relationships alive. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 When I first started dating again, I was too focused on the destination (a solid relationship) and not the journey (spending time with someone and enjoying each other's company. This made dating miserable for me as either the woman failed to live up to whatever expectations I had in my mind or we had some good dates, I became too involved and I was overly upset when things were called off. I learned to enjoy dating when I took a step back and looked at it as nothing more than meeting someone, enjoying their company and then seeing where it went. That Friday night dinner with a woman stopped being a pseudo-interview and just started being a fun night out. If those Friday night's out stopped being fun, for whatever reason, it was time to move on. Maybe they weren't into me or vice versa but it didn't matter; it just didn't work out. And, honestly, sex early on in the dating game can seriously complicate things, even when there aren't any ill intentions. I don't jump in the sack quickly (as much as I might want to) because I know that hormones will take over, I'll get overly attached and it'll be harder for me to move on if things don't work out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 Yeah your spot on , a lot of the dating stuff you read they don't seem to realize physical stuff too soon does just complicate the hell out of things and emotions and head. l can never work out how all these people are in the sack before they even know each other or if there's even anything there. And some of them seem to go on 100s of dates and what they sleep with all of them in a few dates, yaknow. lt's no wonder so many are in such a mess and so aimless. Your dealing with a triple edged sword if you let that stuff in too soon and then they're recovering from a triple edged sword when they find out a day later it was all a waste of time or they were used or bla bla bla. Ya see it all over the forum over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 Yeah your spot on , a lot of the dating stuff you read they don't seem to realize physical stuff too soon does just complicate the hell out of things and emotions and head. l can never work out how all these people are in the sack before they even know each other or if there's even anything there. And some of them seem to go on 100s of dates and what they sleep with all of them in a few dates, yaknow. lt's no wonder so many are in such a mess and so aimless. Your dealing with a triple edged sword if you let that stuff in too soon and then they're recovering from a triple edged sword when they find out a day later it was all a waste of time or they were used or bla bla bla. Ya see it all over the forum over and over. That is one of the many things that makes me spooky about OLD now. I went out on three dates with a woman via OLD and things between us were hot n' heavy pretty quick. We didn't end up in the sack together but we came close. Long story short, she was a multi-dater and I ended up on the OLD Rolodex. She got flaky (couldn't commit to a date) and quiet but I saw she was quite active on the site so I knew I had been thrown on the back burner. I was used to this but it didn't bother me. One of my friends is also a single guy and he and I chat about our dating lives here and there. He mentioned that he had been out with her twice and slept with her on both occasions. He then mentioned that he was spooky because he didn't use a condom the first time. She popped up again and wanted to go on a date (Rolodexed..) and I politely tapped out. Enjoying sex is one thing; not using protection with a guy outside of a committed relationship is a whole different story. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 This is a lot of my issue with dating. People don't try to work on problems, they just up and leave for someone else. I've fought to keep relationships alive. I think the desire for and plan to have dialogs about relationship problem solving should be mentioned very early, and the response gauged. If you're love interest responds favorably, you're good to go. If the response is unfavorable, there could be trouble ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Blind-Sided Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 (edited) .............. Can we just hurry to where the laying around, snuggling, and trust is? Lol ................. I agree. When I was in collage, I had been in a long relationship (5 years) and I actually had a girl I started to date say "you seem way too comfortable in such a short time". Even back then, I guess I got use to that "connected/comfortable" feeling, and I like that. That didn't work out, but I did meet my STBxW after that, and it was the same way. I fell for her quick, and knew I wanted to be with her forever. (I guess that's not going to happen now) Hell, I'm just holding out for a sex robot and then it's sayonara to the dating scene. I know this won't help, but there was a good old movie named "Cherry 2000". It's supposed to be in the future, and some people have sex robots as a semi-normal thing. (but also acts as their significant other) The main actor had his robot get damaged, and wants the exact replacement. But the world is post apocalyptic, and not easy to find things like this. But ultimately, the people find love in each other, over the robot. It has a few real actors in it, and if there's nothing else to watch... check it out. Edited March 26, 2019 by Blind-Sided Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 You can do the laying around the snuggling ... and still that doesn't mean the relationship is on solid ground. Just means the two people are really good at laying around and snuggling. Life goes on ... and if the company can't work through their difficulties, snuggling doesn't make up for that ... I've spent snuggle time with people ... that strangely enough, I didn't really have fun with outside of snuggling. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 l think the title of this thread sums me up right now only not in dating but relationship. First marriage break up, then ex gf , intense but a disaster , now someone new who's double more than l could ever ask for after all that and at this age, but my emotions are all over the shop. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted April 30, 2019 Share Posted April 30, 2019 Work on toughening yourself up mentally before dating again, do not be too dependent on anyone or anything, you are still a great person in your own right, give yourself the mindset you will see what happens but are not bothered if it does not work out, and then get back out there again. Link to post Share on other sites
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