I'm cheating, and it feels great!

[yololin]

In relationships, I've always been the paranoid overbearing type. I know I've been suffocating in the past. I couldn't help it. It's just how I've loved. Sometimes my jealousy or paranoia created some pretty tough times. Some times it was valid, sometimes it wasn't.

 

Since last year August, I met and dated 2 girls simultaneously until now. One is portugese/chinese mixed, and the other is Italian/Brazilian. It's been about 7 months. Neither knows about the other. They are full on monogamous (as far as I know ).

 

Financially there is a down side. I've spent a lot of money on multiple birthdays, valentines, xmas gifts and other stuff. I've even had to visit the cinema to watch the same movie twice.

 

I know it sounds terrible, but they are the healthiest relationships I have ever been in. I am not jealous at all of either. I love, I give them space freely and I treasure my time with each. I no longer hang on every comment. I don't unpick their thought processes about previous exes, or colleagues, or other guys that try to come on to them. I'm not on edge anymore. I just smile inside and let it go. I'm no longer vulnerable!

 

I know it is not popular to describe the upside of cheating, but I wonder if there is a space in this forum to celebrate the merits of cheating?

[Wallysbears]

Nope. No upside to lying and manipulating just because you feel better.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What does their nationality have to do with anything?

 

It's funny how you say they are monogamous with you "as far as you know." LOL....if not, the three of you could be sharing the same STDs so have fun with that.

[preraph]

You know, there would be nothing wrong with that if you had just told them you're multidating and been honest.

[ElKay]

Why can't you just be open about wanting to be in an open relationship?

Or would you freak out if either of the ladies would have another guy on the side?

[Fair]

I'm not surprised it feels great if you've had a history of being insecure and jealous in relationships. Now you're playing the 'get them before they get me, game. But how do you think this is going to end? You won't end up happy in the long run. Somethings got to give, as they say.

 

Pretty slimy game you're playing. You say you 'love' but this isn't the definition of the word love. You don't care that you might really hurt one or both when they find out.

[crispytoast]

Why can't you just be open about wanting to be in an open relationship?

Or would you freak out if either of the ladies would have another guy on the side?

My thoughts exactly.

[ExpatInItaly]

If the healthiest relationship you have ever been in is one (er, two) that are based on lies and deceit, you have bigger issues than we can reasonably help with.

 

This won't last forever, though. The chances that you won't eventually slip up and inadvertently reveal your true colours are slim. Know that your cheating party will come to end real fast once the lights go on.

[yololin]

What does their nationality have to do with anything?

 

It's funny how you say they are monogamous with you "as far as you know." LOL....if not, the three of you could be sharing the same STDs so have fun with that.

 

I have had STDs before. All cured.

[yololin]

You know, there would be nothing wrong with that if you had just told them you're multidating and been honest.

Yes, I think you are right. If I knew I was looking for something open I would have made it clear. I've always been a monogamous person. This time it just seemed to happen. I never guessed that dating these two people would have continued for so long.

[yololin]

Why can't you just be open about wanting to be in an open relationship?

Or would you freak out if either of the ladies would have another guy on the side?

 

I'm not open. I'm just dating these two. I'm not looking for anyone else. If my partners had other men, I think I would just let go of them, and let them be happy together? Totally not possessive at this point.

[yololin]

I'm not surprised it feels great if you've had a history of being insecure and jealous in relationships. Now you're playing the 'get them before they get me, game. But how do you think this is going to end? You won't end up happy in the long run. Somethings got to give, as they say.

 

Pretty slimy game you're playing. You say you 'love' but this isn't the definition of the word love. You don't care that you might really hurt one or both when they find out.

Yeah, I am always careful about being exposed. I don't seem to mind if one catches me. I've tried my best to be loving to both. Maybe I'm cold to love now, after being in a few bad relationships. Being hurt is part of being in a relationship. As we all do, I safe guard myself. We are all free spirits. The definition of love is different to everyone.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have had STDs before. All cured.

 

Well, you know that doesn't make you immune, right?

[yololin]

I have done some things that I should not have done but at least I didn't feel great about doing them. What you are doing is screwed up, period. You have nothing to feel great about.

I felt bad of course. I went against my foundations, but in my case, in my point in life, the ends justify the means. I am happy.

 

To be honest, keeping 2 monogamous relationships is difficult. You end up never having any alone time because you're jumping back and forth. I've tried splitting up with one of them, the brazilian. She is going back to university this summer and will be far away. I've made it clear to her that I don't intend to keep the relationship going. We turned into FWB, and for the past 2 months we didn't do anything and I assumed it had ended, until she jumped into my bed and boned me. She's too good in the sack to give up!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The definition of love is different to everyone.

 

Sure, but at the very least you should make sure your definition matches theirs. Otherwise, it's very unloving to the other person. You can't love someone and not respect their wishes for a relationship. Maybe they don't want to share their man with another woman. Have you asked? Or do you just not care about their opinion?

[yololin]

Well, you know that doesn't make you immune, right?

Yes I know. STDs aren't as scary as they used to be. Mostly all are curable, and the rest are manageable. Everyone gets STDs at some point. If I catch an STD, or they have, then I'll know that they've been sleeping around, but that goes the same with all relationships really.

[Wallysbears]

This is just wishing for bad karma.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah, I am always careful about being exposed. I don't seem to mind if one catches me. I've tried my best to be loving to both. Maybe I'm cold to love now, after being in a few bad relationships. Being hurt is part of being in a relationship. As we all do, I safe guard myself. We are all free spirits. The definition of love is different to everyone.

 

How do you even know that yet if you haven't been caught?

 

I have a feeling if one them figured it out and wanted nothing to do with you, you wouldn't be as nonchalant about it as you hope. You position yourself as being free and cold towards relationships, but I have a different take: I think you are probably very fragile (emotionally) and don't want these women getting any closer to you because that would necessitate a level of emotional vulnerability that you're afraid of. If you have two of them, you don't have the time and space to deeply nurture just one of those relationships; keeping some distance with both, and feeling like you're in the driver seat with everyone, keeps you in an ostensibly "stronger" position.

 

My guess is also that the real thrill from this comes from two women wanting you and occupying your time. If that were taken away, I wager you wouldn't be so high up on that horse there.

 

In other words, you're obviously getting some personal benefit from this dishonest arrangement. But it's a Band-Aid to deeper issues that you're not comfortable addressing.

[yololin]

Both are not into open relationships. I am not into open relationships either. I just know that if I'm in a monogamous relationship, I'd suffocate it. Having someone else, gives me freedom to be a better bf to both.

 

For example, yesterday, accidentally, I saw on the chinese girl's phone messages that some guy called Adrian's last message asked "Do you want to go ice skating sometime next week?" it bugged me that a guy was trying to ask her out. More that, she put herself in a position where a guy isn't aware that she's taken.

 

I wanted to open the chat box but I didn't. As per usual, it put me on edge, wondering what the eff?! I wanted to confront her about it. But I felt foolish, as usual.

 

I slept on it, and decided to believe that hopefully she's mature enough to handle attention from guys however she wants, but even if she doesn't, it's not in my remit to control. Also, knowing that I have someone on the side made me feel infinitely better.

[Wallysbears]

So you’re insecure and jealous but if you’re cheating on both of them you can be more functional.

 

Not really something to brag about is it?

[elaine567]

For example, yesterday, accidentally, I saw on the chinese girl's phone messages that some guy called Adrian's last message asked "Do you want to go ice skating sometime next week?" it bugged me that a guy was trying to ask her out. More that, she put herself in a position where a guy isn't aware that she's taken.

 

I wanted to open the chat box but I didn't. As per usual, it put me on edge, wondering what the eff?! I wanted to confront her about it. But I felt foolish, as usual.

 

She is probably keeping options open as with your fingers in another pie she probably knows that you are not "all in" with her, her gut will be telling her that.

The other girl probably feels the same. ie that there is something missing.

[BaileyB]

Both are not into open relationships. I am not into open relationships either. I just know that if I'm in a monogamous relationship, I'd suffocate it. Having someone else, gives me freedom to be a better bf to both.

 

For example, yesterday, accidentally, I saw on the chinese girl's phone messages that some guy called Adrian's last message asked "Do you want to go ice skating sometime next week?" it bugged me that a guy was trying to ask her out. More that, she put herself in a position where a guy isn't aware that she's taken.

 

Also, knowing that I have someone on the side made me feel infinitely better.

 

That’s a whole lot of mental gymnastics to justify your lack of honesty to these girls. Dude, you are in an open relationship - the only thing is, not all the parties are aware of this because you haven’t been honest. You’re not even willing to admit the truth to yourself.

 

As to the fact that this guy isn’t aware that she is taken... you have no right to expect something from someone that you are not willing to give yourself.

 

This is all kinds of messed up.

[yololin]

Well, you know that doesn't make you immune, right?

 

How do you even know that yet if you haven't been caught?

 

I have a feeling if one them figured it out and wanted nothing to do with you, you wouldn't be as nonchalant about it as you hope. You position yourself as being free and cold towards relationships, but I have a different take: I think you are probably very fragile (emotionally) and don't want these women getting any closer to you because that would necessitate a level of emotional vulnerability that you're afraid of. If you have two of them, you don't have the time and space to deeply nurture just one of those relationships; keeping some distance with both, and feeling like you're in the driver seat with everyone, keeps you in an ostensibly "stronger" position.

 

My guess is also that the real thrill from this comes from two women wanting you and occupying your time. If that were taken away, I wager you wouldn't be so high up on that horse there.

 

In other words, you're obviously getting some personal benefit from this dishonest arrangement. But it's a Band-Aid to deeper issues that you're not comfortable addressing.

 

This is a great post. I think you are totally right! I'll think about what you've said.

 

I went through the worst breakup ever last year and I thought I would never recover. I have issues, as do we all. I think we are all healing in our own ways. Although I appear to let people in very close, there is still a gap between myself and others, even my beloved. I'm nurturing both, but I can keep a certain emotional distance too. I need to be in a position of safety, because from my past relationships, it seemed like we all got hurt way too much by just loving blindly. I can't expect other people to take care of me. I have to take care of myself, using my head, and in the meantime, I try to care for others as much as possible.

 

Isn't what I'm doing normal in American dating culture? Dating multiple people simultaneously? I just want to make it clear that I didn't orchestrate this as some grand plan. It just fell in my lap. I didn't expect to commit into 2 relationships. Each girl is an individual and the relationships are separate.

 

I'm definitely in a beneficial situation, otherwise I wouldn't be maintaining it. I can't believe 2 hot and amazing girls are into me at the same time. I can't be a total ass if they still like me 7 months in.

[BaileyB]

So you’re insecure and jealous but if you’re cheating on both of them you can be more functional.

 

Not really something to brag about is it?

 

Most definitely not.

[yololin]

She is probably keeping options open as with your fingers in another pie she probably knows that you are not "all in" with her, her gut will be telling her that.

The other girl probably feels the same. ie that there is something missing.

 

You may be right. We've talked around this subject many times together. She seems to think it's okay to make guys chase as it makes her feel good about herself. Whilst she is staunchly against cheating, multiple partners etc, there's certainly side of herself that she keeps hidden from me. Discrepancy. Something unexplained. I've written about it in my journal before. We really like each other, but whilst she isn't totally open with me, I continue to have reservations about her, and it causes a rift between us.