Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[elaine567]

The sexual bond between my wife and I has been ruptured by her unilateral breakoff of sexual activity and by the cruel silence that followed. Her poor judgment in not acknowledging to me that it had happened and why was extremely damaging to the trust between us. As horrified as this makes me feel, I think my wife was unconsciously using this as an escape hatch from the marriage that would push me away so that I would leave her and make myself the proverbial bad guy because she would not own her feelings or actions. I am dismayed by her thoughtlessness toward me and her appalling marital behavior.

 

 

Maybe it is just not as dramatic and contrived as you assume.

I guess in the 4 months she spent in the spare room she felt great peace and contentment and got loads of sleep. She did not have to provide you with sex and she liked it.

Once you got better she didn't want the sex to resume, but couldn't really tell you that, so she avoided confrontation.

Once you pressed her for answers, you found out she would rather you leave than for her to resume the sex with you.

She doesn't WANT to be pressurised into giving "small sexual gifts" and I am sure she is mightily impressed by you wanking off beside her in bed... I am sure that went down like a lead balloon.

 

You have stuck around despite the lack of sex, so it is a win win for her. I guess she is not desperate to break up the marriage but she is also not willing to compromise on the sex.

I highly doubt after 18 months of no sex, she will do a U-turn here.

IMO you have little option but to choose the sexless marriage or go seek your fortunes elsewhere... ie divorce.

Edited March 12, 2019 by elaine567

[S2B]

A fair question. At first I assumed it was simply a normal dip in the frequency of sex typical of long-married couples. As time went on, I didn't want her to feel bad about it (and honestly I am much more comfortable having frank, explicit in-person conversations about sex than my wife is) so I dropped hints, took her out for dates, tried to do the things to put her in the mood and to set the stage as had typically worked well in the past. Nada—it didn't owork.

 

By the time I finally glanced at the calendar (figuratively speaking), almost a year had gone by when I approached my wife in the living room, tenderly stroked her feet, and after a while said, “Honey, I couldn't help but notice that we haven’t had sex in nearly a year. What on earth is going on?” She hardly replied but muttered something about wanting to improve things. I conveyed that I loved her and that sex is important for the relationship but she should feel free to discuss her feelings and/or problems with me and that I am here for her. She was done talking at that point.

 

A few months later, I raised the topic again and she tearfully told me that I should leave her for another woman so I could get the love, sex, and affection I deserve. I almost died on the spot; I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked. I hugged her and said, “Honey, I am not going anywhere. We have a problem here, sure—but let’s seek a solution together, okay? I love you and you are more important to me than sex. I would like us to have sex again when it is right for both parties.”

 

Unfortunately, nothing changed. She couldn't even take my suggsstion of small sexual gifts to one another (e.g., me performing oral sex on her, her stroking my penis, etc.). I suggested books, therapy, etc. but no takers. I finally got her to agree that I could masturbate in bed next to her—which to me is subsistence sex devoid of interpersonal connection.

 

I think perhapa one thing I could do is tell my wife that I will continue to regard her as my romantic partner but she needs to understand that this does not constitute acceptance—neither explicit nor implicit—of the sexlessness of the relationship and that I expect to take concrete steps toward rectifying it: read The Sex Starved Marriage, see a therapist, take more time for herself and for ua. I want her to demonstrate that she recognizes this major relationship roadblock and is putting effort into addressing it.

 

The last paragraph seems to be too late in the ball game.

 

She purposely rejected you in every way sexually for 18 months. That’s very purposeful. She’s not gonna give in now.

 

I would swear she has alliances with someone else - someone she feels devoted to... like if she had sexual with you she feels she would be cheating on him.

 

 

Most marriages working on fixing things - if the wife doesn’t want penetration - she is willing to please in other ways - for the husband. But your wife isn’t doing that... she literally cut you off in every way.

 

What happened two years ago? Anything catastrophic?

 

 

See an attorney. Know your rights.

 

This one seems done - she just failed to tell you that it’s done.

 

Don’t beg or plead... just know deep down she is cruel.

 

She should have been at the very least willing to openly discuss this. She isn’t as kind and communicative as you thought. She’s mean!

[Rotaglia]

How the do I implement my unconditional love for my wife in this situation? I am in a total quandary. I need to let go of my pain and my anger over her neglect but it is so raw right now. Can I forgive someone who does not properly seek my forgiveness and has not altered her behavior? Lack of sex is aw***, but lack of respect, kindness, openness, and tenderness is intolerable while she also harbors ambivalence and thoughts of divorce while continuing to stonewall.

[S2B]

How the do I implement my unconditional love for my wife in this situation? I am in a total quandary. I need to let go of my pain and my anger over her neglect but it is so raw right now. Can I forgive someone who does not properly seek my forgiveness and has not altered her behavior? Lack of sex is aw***, but lack of respect, kindness, openness, and tenderness is intolerable while she also harbors ambivalence and thoughts of divorce while continuing to stonewall.

 

I don’t think now is the time to try and forgive her for purposely ruining your marriage... quite the opposite!

 

Get mad! Find out who she is cheating with man!

 

And get those divorce papers drawn up.

 

Start doing some things to carve out a future for yourself! And if that includes eliminating the person who has lied to you, disrespected you and shown such disregard for you and the marriage then so be it!

 

Stop feeling bad! SHE did this and she did it purposefully! Get going!

 

Stop trying to beg your way back into her heart - that ship sailed about 18 months ago!

[giotto]

Maybe it is just not as dramatic and contrived as you assume.

I guess in the 4 months she spent in the spare room she felt great peace and contentment and got loads of sleep. She did not have to provide you with sex and she liked it.

Once you got better she didn't want the sex to resume, but couldn't really tell you that, so she avoided confrontation.

Once you pressed her for answers, you found out she would rather you leave than for her to resume the sex with you.

She doesn't WANT to be pressurised into giving "small sexual gifts" and I am sure she is mightily impressed by you wanking off beside her in bed... I am sure that went down like a lead balloon.

 

You have stuck around despite the lack of sex, so it is a win win for her. I guess she is not desperate to break up the marriage but she is also not willing to compromise on the sex.

I highly doubt after 18 months of no sex, she will do a U-turn here.

IMO you have little option but to choose the sexless marriage or go seek your fortunes elsewhere... ie divorce.

 

 

It wasn't Rotaglia's wife in the spare room, but my wife. She did tell me she didn't want sex and also why (blamed me being angry 10 years before)... but the substance doesn't really change. She is waiting for him to say he's had enough and that he is leaving... she is not giving up what she's got. She wants him to pack his bags...

[S2B]

It wasn't Rotaglia's wife in the spare room, but my wife. She did tell me she didn't want sex and also why (blamed me being angry 10 years before)... but the substance doesn't really change. She is waiting for him to say he's had enough and that he is leaving... she is not giving up what she's got. She wants him to pack his bags...

 

She doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. But she is making it look like the marriage is miserable and doomed.

 

Conflict avoidant? Maybe.

 

She wants to be able to blame anyone but herself... but her actions (rather inactions) are what caused it.

 

You need to start treating her like the mean person she really is.

 

Stop with all the niceness!

[elaine567]

It wasn't Rotaglia's wife in the spare room, but my wife. She did tell me she didn't want sex and also why (blamed me being angry 10 years before)... but the substance doesn't really change. She is waiting for him to say he's had enough and that he is leaving... she is not giving up what she's got. She wants him to pack his bags...

 

 

Sorry got a bit mixed up with the similar stories, but the result is essentially the same.

[giotto]

She doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. But she is making it look like the marriage is miserable and doomed.

 

Conflict avoidant? Maybe.

 

She wants to be able to blame anyone but herself... but her actions (rather inactions) are what caused it.

 

You need to start treating her like the mean person she really is.

 

Stop with all the niceness!

 

Totally agree... how can you stay with someone who treats you like that? She is not even prepared to talk about it... at least I got my reasons... they were BS, but at least she gave them to me...

[elaine567]

I have a feeling it may be pretty difficul0t for a woman to tell her spouse that "Sorry sex is off the menu", so I am not really surprised that many will just "phase it out" without much discussion. The spouse figures it out, stops asking and a new stage of the marriage is entered.

Often for some men in sexless marriages, leaving the marriage is not really considered an option, as a) sex vs the marriage is no contest, marriage wins every time or b)they know finding another partner is probably going to be hard, so better a sexless marriage than no marriage at all or c) they will be so broke post divorce they will put up with almost anything to stay married..

 

 

Yes, many divorced men find love again, but some are lonely and single in apartments, drowning sorrows... it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

[S2B]

I have a feeling it may be pretty difficul0t for a woman to tell her spouse that "Sorry sex is off the menu", so I am not really surprised that many will just "phase it out" without much discussion. The spouse figures it out, stops asking and a new stage of the marriage is entered.

Often for some men in sexless marriages, leaving the marriage is not really considered an option, as a) sex vs the marriage is no contest, marriage wins every time or b)they know finding another partner is probably going to be hard, so better a sexless marriage than no marriage at all or c) they will be so broke post divorce they will put up with almost anything to stay married..

 

 

Yes, many divorced men find love again, but some are lonely and single in apartments, drowning sorrows... it is not a decision to be taken lightly.

 

Why not? Self respect and dignity should be before all other forms of anyone treating you like a low priority.

 

If she didn’t wish to honor her vows she could have at the VERY least allowed him to understand with a simple conversation that she changed the rules.

 

But she didn’t! And that’s what is so abhorrent... she disrespected him even further by refusing to discuss why she changed the vows - or even that SHE took it upon herself that she changed things.

 

If she wants to be in a marriage by herself then she could have discussed it!

[bathtub-row]

If she didn’t wish to honor her vows she could have at the VERY least allowed him to understand with a simple conversation that she changed the rules.

 

While I fully disagree with how his wife is handing this, I have to wonder if agreeing to have sex is actually a part of the vows. While it’s understood that married people will have sex, when is that ever actually stated in wedding vows?

[Rotaglia]

I am hearing a lot of different answers here, most of which are quite sound. I will not set out to harm the woman I love. It is not my task to cause her to suffer and I will not break my daughter’s heart to slake my thirst for some perverse sort of lex talionis. Can I forswear my vengeance? Yes, I need to think about life apart from a woman who hurt me. But I am profoundly disappointed in her, not hateful. I am heartbroken. My faith in this relationship has been sorely tested.

 

No way I'm leaving until and unless I am good and ready.

[Rotaglia]

While I fully disagree with how his wife is handing this, I have to wonder if agreeing to have sex is actually a part of the vows. While it’s understood that married people will have sex, when is that ever actually stated in wedding vows?

I'd put it this way: Since were having sex before we were married (and boy do I miss that! It made me feel special to her.), nothing in our ketubah (Jewish wedding contract) says we were henceforth to cease having sex.

 

We never explicitly discussed a “sex policy” before we got married, but then most people rely on commonly held assumptions.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Wife

No more sex, period.

 

Me

What do you mean, ”No more sex”? It's in your wedding vows, for crying out loud!

 

Wife

Shoot. You’re right.

Okay, saddle up. Let's do this!

[S2B]

While I fully disagree with how his wife is handing this, I have to wonder if agreeing to have sex is actually a part of the vows. While it’s understood that married people will have sex, when is that ever actually stated in wedding vows?

 

Honor - love...

[elaine567]

Bathtub row is correct the marriage vows do not mention sex.

 

And even if they did, they were 22 years ago and the wife is now 56 yo.

Is 22 years of regular sex not enough "honouring of the vows"?

Does she have no say in what happens to her ageing body ?

Is she not allowed to say enough is enough at some point?

 

I get the whole relationship/love/sex thing between two people, but vows do not include sex for a very good reason.

[bathtub-row]

Bathtub row is correct the marriage vows do not mention sex.

 

And even if they did, they were 22 years ago and the wife is now 56 yo.

Is 22 years of regular sex not enough "honouring of the vows"?

Does she have no say in what happens to her ageing body ?

Is she not allowed to say enough is enough at some point?

 

I get the whole relationship/love/sex thing between two people, but vows do not include sex for a very good reason.

 

I agree. I think the real argument here is his wife’s lack of respect for her husband by refusing to talk to him about it.

[elaine567]

I agree. I think the real argument here is his wife’s lack of respect for her husband by refusing to talk to him about it.

 

She is no doubt conflict avoidant, but how does any woman tell her husband, "Sorry, the sex is over... forever"

[S2B]

She is no doubt conflict avoidant, but how does any woman tell her husband, "Sorry, the sex is over... forever"

 

But she didn’t even show enough respect to even say that!

[BettyDraper]

You did read my post where I indicated I had recognized the wisdom of ending that habit and had decided to start wearing more dignified clothing like pajamas and bathrobes ... right?

In fact, I bought myself two sets of pajamas and a bathrobe today to wear in the evenings after dinner (I wear regular clothes during the day).

 

Pajamas and bathrobes are not “dignified clothing”.

They are for sleep or sickness. Do you have any jeans or chinos you can wear?

 

Even though you and your wife may have mutually agreed upon you being a SAHD, she may still resent being the breadwinner in your marriage. Being a musician is typically not profitable so it isn’t viewed as a career. Your wife may resent being the “mom” in your relationship, because she has to earn income while you get to play at life by being a musician who doesn’t even get dressed.

 

It’s hard for women to feel sexually attracted to men they don’t respect.

[Mr. Lucky]

She is no doubt conflict avoidant, but how does any woman tell her husband, "Sorry, the sex is over... forever"

 

By refusing to have sex with him for now 18 months?

 

She's spoken loudly and clearly, the OP just doesn't want to listen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

It’s true, she has shown you with her actions (or inaction) that she isn’t participating with you.

 

People may not always tell you with words - actions tell more.

 

But why haven’t you looked into what’s she really is doing? It certainly looks like she may be in an affair...

[Rotaglia]

Pajamas and bathrobes are not “dignified clothing”.

They are for sleep or sickness. Do you have any jeans or chinos you can wear?

A quick clarification: I wear conventional clothes during the day. The robes and pajamas are for lounging around between dinnertime and bed and maybe for a short while on weekend mornings. That’s why they call it “loungewear,” okay? I think enough has been said on that subtopic.

[Rotaglia]

It’s bad enough that she stopped having sex with me, stopped wanting to have sex with me, and stopped caring about the fact that she no longer wanted to—but that she presumed it was okay to decline to raise that issue at any point whatsoever in the past eighteen months, which suggests she is not interested and was not interested in real marital relationship repair or perhaps she is concealing a possible affair and/or wants a divorce and won’t own up to it. And yet, when confronted about any or all of that, she has the temerity to cry (for what purpose, to elicit sympathy??? Or dismay at having been exposed as a fraudulent wife???) and protest she doesn’t have the “bandwidth” to discuss it. The nerve!

 

Why do I feel like she wrecked our marriage through a series of spectacularly bad decisions yet it is I who feels like I’m apologizing and trying to win back her favor when she should be beseeching me for forgiveness if she even deigned to seek it.

 

Whatever the case, it’s a relationship trainwreck and although I am heartbroken and truly thought I was an exemplary husband but ... in the end, none of that matters if she had or is having an affair and/or simply doesn’t want me BUT she wants to retain the stability and comfort of an intact marriage.

 

My wife handed me an enormous crap sandwich and expects me to eat it.

Edited March 13, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

It’s true, she has shown you with her actions (or inaction) that she isn’t participating with you.

 

People may not always tell you with words - actions tell more.

 

But why haven’t you looked into what’s she really is doing? It certainly looks like she may be in an affair...

Even if I was motivated to investigate my wife for a possible affair, what would be the likely effect of proving it? It may depend on the state, but adultery does not the same legal impact in divorce proceedings that it once did. Would uncovering an affair make me feel better about my wife’s abandonment of me? What it shame her, and if so, to what end?