Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[vla1120]

This thread is not a debate over the merits of a sexless marriage. Our marriage waa not one. She doesn't get to convert the marriage from sex life to sex death without de minimus my advice and consent.

 

Earlier in the thread, you posted the quote "I am the one thing in life I can control" and I agree with that wholeheartedly. There have been other threads that dealt with marital problems where the wife was the main breadwinner. Many people suggested that women don't like that and start to look down on it. Having been the main breadwinner since I was in my early 20's, I don't understand that. I would never look down on my husband if he were taking care of the house and children. But apparently, some women do have a problem with it for whatever reason. I do not know if your wife is one of those women.

 

Therefore, maybe your best next step would be to venture out and find something for yourself outside of the house. I'm sure you have marketable skills. Your youngest must be in school all day by now. Maybe getting out of the house daily will even give you a new outlook, and maybe it will be what your wife needs to jump start her wifely feelings for you again (if she's one of those women, that is.)

 

It's worth a try.....

 

I edited this to add - I'm 58 years old. Like I said, I've been the main breadwinner since I was in my early 20's. I'm now separated from my second husband (long convoluted story) and I DO find myself feeling like I'm TIRED of taking care of everyone else, now. I've been doing it for about 38 years. In that respect, I can see where a woman might get tired of being the one who always carries the lion's share of the load in life.

 

....and yes. I realize I just contradicted myself in that post (that's a post-menopausal woman, for you...)

Edited March 14, 2019 by vla1120

[S2B]

Do you have skills to get a job for yourself during the daytime/school hours?

 

If nothing else it helps you gain some independence and earn some money you can plan to keep in a separate account for yourself.

[elaine567]

And if you were held underwater while everything else in your life was going great, it would be about oxygen, pure and simple.

I get that you don't share the OP's - and almost all other men's - need for sexual expression as a core value.

 

I get it, I have not spent years on this forum being told that almost daily for nothing, but many other women do not "get it".

 

I guess, to his wife, the OP is being stupid and childish, and he needs to let it go. It is hardly worth discussing in her mind, as she is not going to be persuaded to restart the sex, whatever he does.

She doesn't want to do it, full stop, it is not open for discussion. She may have been providing "duty sex" for years... before she came to her final decision.

To some women sex is for young people, not grandparents... she is probably relieved she is old enough to not have to do it any more. The pressure is off... Menopause for some women can be a joy as far as sex is concerned, as they are justified in turning it off; it may not be seen as a curse.

 

To her the marriage and their kids and their love and life together is important, not sex.

"22 years! and a stupid thing like sex is seen by him as important enough to divorce over - you must be kidding..."

 

^^^ That is the attitude and many men will just accept it too...

[Timshel]

It's the lack of communication, compromise, trust, respect, honesty. It isn't that their marriage is nothing without sex. If it is everything else after 22 years, then discussing not having sex is nothing.

[S2B]

I’d give a conversation one more shot.

 

You can tell her - I need this discussion so that I can make a decision moving forward... “why aren’t we having sex the past 18 months?”

 

If she cries - make HER explain why the tears! No moving away from explaining her actions.

 

She should know you plan to take action if no sex is what she plans for your marriage.

[Rotaglia]

Rotaglia, what MAY help you will be to very strongly become a man worth having. I'm not saying you aren't now

Actually, Mark—nothing personal but that’s exactly what you did imply.

[Rotaglia]

I’d give a conversation one more shot.

 

You can tell her - I need this discussion so that I can make a decision moving forward... “why aren’t we having sex the past 18 months?”

 

If she cries - make HER explain why the tears! No moving away from explaining her actions.

 

She should know you plan to take action if no sex is what she plans for your marriage.

It wouldn’t take much. “Honey, I’m reading a book on sex after menopause. I’m taking two weekends a year away by myself or with a friend.”

 

Or she could just give me a blowjob. There, that was easy!

[S2B]

Well that’s for sure = even if the lady gardens dry up she could be OFFERING other options for you - such as bj’s and hand jobs.

 

Menopause doesn’t make her lips and hands stop working.

 

But she doesn’t even want to consider how you must feel and that’s what is odd.

 

She checked out from being attracted to you.

 

Have you looked for affair evidence yet?

Edited March 14, 2019 by S2B

[vla1120]

That talk is SO sexy, I don’t know why women wouldn’t be jumping all over you at the thought of a hand job or blow job with hands and lips that are not suffering from menopausal symptoms.

 

Seriously, though, you do realize women and men are very different in that respect, right? While a man may be turned on at the sight of a vagina, many women do not think a penis (especially a flaccid one) is quite so attractive.

 

OP, have you suggested watching a sensual movie (or maybe light porn) together? Sometimes, it helps a woman get in the mood. You’ve been together for 22 years. When she was younger, it may have not taken much to get in the mood. Now that she is older, it might take a little more. She’s offered to snuggle. Why don’t you invite the snuggling for awhile with no pressure whatsoever. If you know her erogenous zones (after 22 years, you probably do), maybe introduce some gentle touching (again, no pressure - laying in bed next to her, masturbating, and other actions like that, are probably perceived as pressure.

 

It’s worth a try?

Edited March 14, 2019 by vla1120

[vla1120]

By the way, I am just hoping to keep you in this forum rather than seeing you move to the “Separation & Divorce” forum. I really think this IS salvageable. I mean...what if her aversion to sex is only temporary? What if, after she gets over the menopausal hump (no pun intended), she finds she cannot get enough? Wouldn’t you be upset if you missed that?

[vla1120]

Rotaglia, google women’s erogenous zones. Start from there (gently, gently.)

[Timshel]

She doesn't get to convert the marriage from sex life to sex death without de minimus my advice and consent.

Well technically she can, as any person can, and has effectively done so. Agree with via1120's post, that kind of talk and pulling your penis out is pushy, not sexy, especially for a woman who currently does not want to have sex with you. Via lost me on the divorce fear and gently, lol. You aren't going to divorce this woman until she files herself.

 

Rotaglia, what was happening for the 18 months before you asked and she told you to take a walk? Why did this not bother you for over a year? You have probably addressed this, my apologies. The conundrum that brings me back to this thread is the glaring void in your marriage that you keep glossing over as lack of sex. Meanwhile, your wife is working long hours, paying the bills and apparently has completely shut down any and all intimate communication with you.

 

There are big chunks of information missing.

Edited March 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix spacing

[BaileyB]

Do you have skills to get a job for yourself during the daytime/school hours?

 

If nothing else it helps you gain some independence and earn some money you can plan to keep in a separate account for yourself.

 

If I was in your position, this would be my priority. You will at least be better able to support yourself if you do divorce.

Edited March 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

Well technically she can, as any person can, and has effectively done so.

I was speaking in that context not of her legal right to divorce me at any time, which is obvious. She even has a moral right to do any time she wishes. It's just a really crummy thing to do to somebody without good cause and without adequate discussion and an opportunity make adjustments/changes that will allow both parties to continue in the marriage happier than before.

Agree with via1120's post, that kind of talk and pulling your penis out is pushy, not sexy, especially for a woman who currently does not want to have sex with you. Via lost me on the divorce fear and gently, lol.

I was joking, for Heaven's sake! Don't worry—unless there is a very dramatic turnaround very soon, I will not be seeking, asking for, or having sex with my wife for the foreseeable future.

 

I admit I still become aroused when I'm in bed snuggling with her sometimes but that is strictly my business at this point.

You aren't going to divorce this woman until she files herself.

That's correct. I was speaking colloquially.

Rotaglia, what was happening for the 18 months before you asked and she told you to take a walk? Why did this not bother you for over a year? You have probably addressed this, my apologies.

I did address it before, but to reiterate: I initially assumed that it was just a normal dip in sexual activity not uncommon among couples in middle age. It wasn't long before I recognized a problem. I spent a few more months dragging her on date nights, trying to set the mood, dropping hints but she always seemed to resist just enough to sabotage doing the actually deed. It wasn't long before I looked up and a year had passed. I finally confronted her (as gently and as kindly as I could) and she tearfully stated that I should go and find another woman who could give me the love and sex I deserve. I was, needless to say, quite gobsmacked.

The conundrum that brings me back to this thread is the glaring void in your marriage that you keep glossing over as lack of sex.

Not so. If you re-read the thread, I have correctly identified the issue as an emotion, trust, respect, and communication issue of which sex is merely a symptom.

Meanwhile, your wife is working long hours, paying the bills and apparently has completely shut down any and all intimate communication with you.

I have always appreciated her hard work, her excellence as a mother, her high intelligence, and her general cool-factor. She's just done really poorly in the "girlfriend" area of our relationship lately. Unfortunately, you knock out that brick and the marriage is in major trouble.

There are big chunks of information missing.

Such gaps are unavoidable. If you read the entire thread, it will seem more complete. I know it's a pain to read a long thread like this one, but it isn't so fun for me to have to re-state an answer I have already given. Let's cut each other a bit of slack, shall we?

[Rotaglia]

By the way, I am just hoping to keep you in this forum rather than seeing you move to the “Separation & Divorce” forum. I really think this IS salvageable. I mean...what if her aversion to sex is only temporary? What if, after she gets over the menopausal hump (no pun intended), she finds she cannot get enough? Wouldn’t you be upset if you missed that?

Yes, of course! But my wife's poor judgment in not addressing the issue in a forthright and timely manner has done major damage to our marriage and she has not made herself accountable for it nor has she discussed it with me as thoroughly as is necessary.

 

I could conceivably live without a sex (not my preference) but I cannot live with intimacy, and intimacy entails mutual vulnerability. My wife is not being vulnerable on this topic. My wife is more important to me than sex, but sex is still very important to me and I really don't care to express myself sexually outside of this marriage (unless we were to divorce, which I am not eager to do).

[Rotaglia]

Well that’s for sure = even if the lady gardens dry up she could be OFFERING other options for you - such as bj’s and hand jobs.

I have suggested all kinds of things short of intercourse to keep the sexual bond alive between us: me going down on her (an activity I rather enjoy and she used to also), her going down on me (she gave that up about five years ago—such a bummer, I really miss that), handjobs, etc., etc., etc. When that didn't work I asked her if there was anything at all we could share sexually and she got angry and left the bedroom to sleep downstairs. I was so upset by her response that I could barely sleep and I eventually asked her to come back to bed because I was lonely. Not a great move on my part tactically but I was emotional in the moment and I hated feeling so utterly rejected.

Menopause doesn’t make her lips and hands stop working.

Tell her that.

But she doesn’t even want to consider how you must feel and that’s what is odd.

It's irregular and infuriating. She's never been as comfortable talking explicitly about sex but she has an obligation to her husband to talk this issue out and she is still stonewalling, crying, or getting so triggered that she storms out.

 

She checked out from being attracted to you.

After 22 years of marriage, to some degree attraction is a choice, not some magic force that overtakes you.

 

Have you looked for affair evidence yet?

I'm away from home right now.

[Rotaglia]

At one point I had to ask her (as sensitively and kindly as possible) if there could have been some sort of sexual abuse or rape in her past that would explain her antipathy toward sex in the present. She said she didn't think so. If this were the reason and I knew about it, that would radically change the whole picture. I would *completely* understand a victim of sexual abuse to be reluctant to have sex; however, that didn't stop her for 20 years with me, so why sudden halt?

[Beakered]

Just finished reading this thread. Whew, that took a while. Anyway, OP, seems like you've come here for support as well as advice, so let me offer you the former. Personally, I don't think you're weak, and if people look down on you for being a SAHD, then, yeah, they're sexist—their problem, not yours. You seem like a good guy who's been dealing with his troubled marriage through kindness, sensitivity, and humor (and excellent grammar ). That's strength, not weakness, IMHO. Good luck to you.

[Timshel]

I finally confronted her (as gently and as kindly as I could) and she tearfully stated that I should go and find another woman who could give me the love and sex I deserve.

 

Let's cut each other a bit of slack, shall we?

 

 

Slack agreed, yes. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

She has told you what she wants Rotaglia. It's time to let her go.

[Rotaglia]

Just finished reading this thread. Whew, that took a while. Anyway, OP, seems like you've come here for support as well as advice, so let me offer you the former. Personally, I don't think you're weak, and if people look down on you for being a SAHD, then, yeah, they're sexist—their problem, not yours. You seem like a good guy who's been dealing with his troubled marriage through kindness, sensitivity, and humor (and excellent grammar ). That's strength, not weakness, IMHO. Good luck to you.

I really appreciate that. Thank you so much! Our language is under assault and attention to grammar and usage is its best defense.

 

It's been a really strange experience.

[S2B]

Dang, when you’re out of town - that should be an ideal time for a PI to check on what she’s doing while you’re away.

 

When will you be home? Do you have any friends who could tail her actions?

[giotto]

I get it, I have not spent years on this forum being told that almost daily for nothing, but many other women do not "get it".

 

I guess, to his wife, the OP is being stupid and childish, and he needs to let it go. It is hardly worth discussing in her mind, as she is not going to be persuaded to restart the sex, whatever he does.

She doesn't want to do it, full stop, it is not open for discussion. She may have been providing "duty sex" for years... before she came to her final decision.

To some women sex is for young people, not grandparents... she is probably relieved she is old enough to not have to do it any more. The pressure is off... Menopause for some women can be a joy as far as sex is concerned, as they are justified in turning it off; it may not be seen as a curse.

 

To her the marriage and their kids and their love and life together is important, not sex.

"22 years! and a stupid thing like sex is seen by him as important enough to divorce over - you must be kidding..."

 

^^^ That is the attitude and many men will just accept it too...

 

I get it completely. The OP's wife has every right to withdraw sex from the marriage, but she should have the decency to discuss it in depth with her husband. Then she can give him choices. My wife did this and I appreciate it. I'm not happy because sex is a form of communication for me and without it there is no proper marriage, relationship, connection. But it is the way it is.

 

I get it that at 55 some women don't desire sex and they are done with it. But in a marriage there are two people, so some sort of agreement - or disagreement - should be reached. Personally, I felt incredibly rejected and it's taking me quite a long time to get over it, but I respect my wife's wishes. It will have consequences, though. The disintegration of our marriage. So be it!

[Rotaglia]

Dang, when you’re out of town - that should be an ideal time for a PI to check on what she’s doing while you’re away.

 

When will you be home? Do you have any friends who could tail her actions?

Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.

[Rotaglia]

If marriage is a full bathtub of water, cancelling our sex life with no discussion and no search for compromise or solutions is akin to pulling out the plug.

[elaine567]

If marriage is a full bathtub of water, cancelling our sex life with no discussion and no search for compromise or solutions is akin to pulling out the plug.

 

 

From your POV, from her POV not so much... a ripple in the water.