Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[vla1120]

Think of it this way, Rotaglia. Up until now, you’ve viewed this as your wife removing all sexual contact without any input from you. From her perspective, perhaps she believes you are insisting on continuing sexual relations well past her prime without any input from her.

 

Men can continue having sex and spreading their seed well into their 90’s. Women’s reproductive systems have an expiration date and so does their overall desire for sexual contact (in many cases - I mean, this is an age old problem in many marriages.) If it is important for you to still have sex like a rabbit, you’re going to need to trade your wife in for a younger model. Point blank. Otherwise, you weigh the value of your 22 years together and decide if the companionship and (perhaps) occasional intimacy is enough to meet your insatiable needs.

[S2B]

Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.

 

Do you live in a fault state or no fault state?

[standtall]

Do you live in a fault state or no fault state?

 

I thought all states are no fault now.

 

OP, I like the new model suggestion. Start looking....there are many available to choose from.

[bathtub-row]

Although proving adultery and/or desertion will help me obtain a divorce in my state, it is unlikely to help me get a better alimony award, so spending money on a PI may not be worthwhile except inasmuch as it might prompt my wife to break off her affair (in the unlikely case that she is having ine) and try to mend fences with me.

 

I would want to know just for my own knowledge. Nothing to do with legal stuff. Because her cutting you off without discussion is bad enough. But if she cut you off because she’s having an affair - that would be unforgivable. You need to know which one it is.

[S2B]

I think it’s possible that if you don’t find out or rule out an affair you will be left wondering years from now.

 

Why are you waiting? You need to determine what’s real and not real.

 

Not all states are no fault. We don’t even know if he’s in the United States.

Edited March 15, 2019 by S2B

[Rotaglia]

I would rather not disclose which state we live in, but it is a fault state AFAIK.

[standtall]

 

Not all states are no fault. We don’t even know if he’s in the United States.

 

Yes they are. NY was the last in 2010. As to whether or not he is the US, of course that is a factor...thanks for pointing out what I thought was obvious,. Besides, most non 3rd world, non theocratic countries have no fault, and by his command of English I presumed he was from one of the 4 main English speaking countries.

[S2B]

Maybe I should clarify... some states it does make a difference if one person in the marriage caused the divorce... such as adultery or abandonment.

 

I believe that affects the way the marriage is finalized... after filing with the cause listed.

[BettyDraper]

I get the distinct impression that some people disapprove of stay-at-home-dads (SAHDs) but seldom question (SAHMs). You know what they call that? Sexism.

 

Our choices as a couple may be good or bad on the merits, but I refuse to be penalized merely for being male.

 

You're not being penalized just for being male.

 

You're being viewed as less masculine because you are allowing your wife to support your family.

 

Regardless of societal advancements, men who allow women to support them are not treated with respect.

[BettyDraper]

If marriage is a full bathtub of water, cancelling our sex life with no discussion and no search for compromise or solutions is akin to pulling out the plug.

 

She told you go to find someone else.

 

Now you're at a crossroads. You can either accept that your wife is not interested in sex and live with her as a roommate or you can end your marriage.

 

The choice is yours.

 

If you choose to stay, I don't know why you refuse to take the advice about backing off and focusing on yourself.

The incessant begging for sex is not working so trying something different could be helpful.

[Rotaglia]

The incessant begging for sex is not working so trying something different could be helpful.

If you read the thread carefully, you would realize that there was very little begging for sex. I have been asking for a loving conversation acknowledging where we both are in terms of sex and a seeking of solutions. That has not taken place because of my wife’s intransigence and that is a breach of marital ethics on her part. When she refuses accountability for her actions, she is the problem. Edited March 16, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Yes, I live in the US in a fault state. There are other details about my state’s laws that could help me but that is the limits of my disclosure.

[Beakered]

You're not being penalized just for being male.

 

You're being viewed as less masculine because you are allowing your wife to support your family.

 

Regardless of societal advancements, men who allow women to support them are not treated with respect.

Wow! The sixties called, BettyDraper (how delightfully apt ), and they want their sexism back. Does that mean his wife is less feminine because she supports the family? If he supported her, would she be deserving of disrespect? Or does she get a pass because she's a woman?

 

What a gross generalization. Need to go check my calendar and confirm it's really 2019.

[S2B]

You're not being penalized just for being male.

 

You're being viewed as less masculine because you are allowing your wife to support your family.

 

Regardless of societal advancements, men who allow women to support them are not treated with respect.

 

That’s not true from my perspective. A man who stays home should be viewed as doing his full time job at home with the family. It’s a 24/7 job!

 

I encouraged him to find day time work so he would have more independence... a better way to have his own earned money.

 

When my marriage ended I had been with my exH 27 years. My kids were teenagers when the marriage ended. I had been at home for most of the kids years and helped my exH work by doing all his office work.

 

Even though I was capable and qualified to work it was difficult getting back into a decent job because I had been home for years. It took nearly 7 years to settle into something that earned me decent money.

 

So what I’m saying is to start now... so that when you are awarded spousal support you can then ALSO be earning your own money.

 

You should be able to ask for half of all of your assets (unless you signed a prenup).

 

You gotta start protecting yourself and your future.

 

Get busy being proactive.

 

 

Have you learned any new info in the past few days?

[BettyDraper]

Wow! The sixties called, BettyDraper (how delightfully apt ), and they want their sexism back. Does that mean his wife is less feminine because she supports the family? If he supported her, would she be deserving of disrespect? Or does she get a pass because she's a woman?

 

What a gross generalization. Need to go check my calendar and confirm it's really 2019.

 

I refuse to apologize for my traditional values. It’s ridiculous that only modern beliefs are acceptable in today’s world because basic truths about relationships will never change.

 

Regardless of women’s ability to provide for ourselves, we are hardwired to look for men with the most resources. Men are hardwired to protect, provide, and look for youth and fertility in women. Why do you think so many wealthy men are with beautiful women who are much younger than them?

 

The OP’s wife has chosen a beta male for whatever reason. An alpha male would never be comfortable with a woman providing for him. If the OP’s wife is actually having an affair, I would bet 1M that she is with a man who is more successful and masculine.

Edited March 16, 2019 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

If you read the thread carefully, you would realize that there was very little begging for sex. I have been asking for a loving conversation acknowledging where we both are in terms of sex and a seeking of solutions. That has not taken place because of my wife’s intransigence and that is a breach of marital ethics on her part. When she refuses accountability for her actions, she is the problem.

 

Anyone can see that you have been pestering your wife for more than just a conversation. You have also been chasing her for sex and affection. You have every right to want physical satisfaction in your marriage but you are seeking it in a way that makes you look weak. Your wife is treating you disrespectfully because you are allowing it. Playing the victim will not change your situation.

 

Instead of posting well written soliloquies on LS, you need to stop whining and be more proactive about the direction you want your life to take. Your wife has made it clear that she isn’t interested in giving you what you need. Being angry at her will not change anything.

 

Time to man up and make some difficult decisions.

[giotto]

Why do you think so many wealthy men are with beautiful women who are much younger than them?

 

 

Because they can "buy" them...

[BettyDraper]

Because they can "buy" them...

 

They can buy them because of what women will always look for in men on the most basic and primal levels.

 

Men’s social status partly comes from the women they are with.

 

Uncomfortable truths about relationships are difficult for most people to accept.

[giotto]

Uncomfortable truths about relationships are difficult for most people to accept.

 

These are not uncomfortable truths... just drivel...

[Rotaglia]

Anyone can see that you have been pestering your wife for more than just a conversation. You have also been chasing her for sex and affection. You have every right to want physical satisfaction in your marriage but you are seeking it in a way that makes you look weak.

For your information, mutual vulnerability is the foundation of a well functioning marriage. You are confusing strength with empty machismo. If I have to exude power in order to gain affection and sex, that makes me not a man but a brainless peacock. I like you a lot, Betty. You give me a heck of a hard time but at least your posts are never boring.

Your wife is treating you disrespectfully because you are allowing it.

Nonsense. “Honey, I forbid you to dump me!” “Oh, okay—sorry, never mind. I take it back, you ravishing stallion! Wanna make love?”

 

Instead of posting well written soliloquies on LS, you need to stop whining and be more proactive about the direction you want your life to take.

I prefer to do both.

 

Time to man up and make some difficult decisions.

Yes.

[Rotaglia]

If it is important for you to still have sex like a rabbit, you’re going to need to trade your wife in for a younger model. Point blank. Otherwise, you weigh the value of your 22 years together and decide if the companionship and (perhaps) occasional intimacy is enough to meet your insatiable needs.

Who said anything about rabbit-like frequency of sex? Twice a month would be absolutely lovely from my point of view—but I need some playful snogging, making out, hand-holding, and bashful grins in between. I want an erotically charged romance with the woman I married. Her and only her. But that is slipping away and I am upset because it was attainable on both sides until my wife decided ILYBINILWY was her true governing philosophy.

[sagamore]

Seems obvious that your wife has been betraying you. Probably with someone who has more in common with her on the career front, if I had to guess. I don’t understand why you don’t try to find out. Perhaps then you’d stop this desperate bargaining and get out of a marriage that seems devoid not only of sec but respect. (For women those things are linked, by the way.)

[Rotaglia]

Seems obvious that your wife has been betraying you. Probably with someone who has more in common with her on the career front, if I had to guess. I don’t understand why you don’t try to find out.

To find that out would require reasonable suspicion of an affair that is not in evidence. Plus I'd have to pay for a private investigator from funds drawn from a joint account. Not worth it, in my opinion.

Perhaps then you’d stop this desperate bargaining and get out of a marriage that seems devoid not only of sex but respect. (For women those things are linked, by the way.)

The desperate bargaining has already ceased, but thanks for haranguing me about it anyway.

[Beakered]

I refuse to apologize for my traditional values. It’s ridiculous that only modern beliefs are acceptable in today’s world because basic truths about relationships will never change.

 

Regardless of women’s ability to provide for ourselves, we are hardwired to look for men with the most resources. Men are hardwired to protect, provide, and look for youth and fertility in women.

 

It's your prerogative to believe whatever you like. I take issue when you spout off your beliefs as universal truths. Got a peer-reviewed study or three to back all this up?

 

The OP’s wife has chosen a beta male for whatever reason. An alpha male would never be comfortable with a woman providing for him. If the OP’s wife is actually having an affair, I would bet 1M that she is with a man who is more successful and masculine.

Ugh. This "alpha" and "beta" male crap is a load of toxic bollocks straight out the redpill manual.

[BettyDraper]

For your information, mutual vulnerability is the foundation of a well functioning marriage. You are confusing strength with empty machismo. If I have to exude power in order to gain affection and sex, that makes me not a man but a brainless peacock. I like you a lot, Betty. You give me a heck of a hard time but at least your posts are never boring.

Nonsense. “Honey, I forbid you to dump me!” “Oh, okay—sorry, never mind. I take it back, you ravishing stallion! Wanna make love?”

 

I prefer to do both.

 

Yes.

 

For your information, your excessive displays of emotional neediness and inability to take responsibility for your behaviour have led to your wife losing attraction to you. Of course, you are free to take whatever advice you wish. I suppose I don’t understand what you’re accomplishing by petulantly rejecting opinions that YOU asked for.

 

You can be masculine and powerful while still being vulnerable when necessary. It’s a balancing act that not every man is capable of managing. A common misconception is that being an Alpha male is about being a rude jerk.