Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BettyDraper]

These are not uncomfortable truths... just drivel...

 

Drivel for men and women who know that they cannot attract partners they want.

[Rotaglia]

inability to take responsibility for your behaviour

Where do you get that from?

[BettyDraper]

Where do you get that from?

 

You won’t acknowledge that you have chosen to tolerate your wife’s disrespect.

You also refuse to see that your way of approaching your sexless marriage is counterproductive. I say that your approach is counterproductive because it’s changing the situation.

 

Have you decided whether or not you are going to stay with your wife?

She has said that she cannot give you what you need.

[Rotaglia]

You won’t acknowledge that you have chosen to tolerate your wife’s disrespect.

I cannot acknowledge a false statement.

You also refuse to see that your way of approaching your sexless marriage is counterproductive.

I'm open to suggestions. It's not like this is easy.

Have you decided whether or not you are going to stay with your wife?

Honestly I don't know. Right now, I am going to focus on myself, our child and be pleasant and patient and see what develops. I am not bringing up the subject of sex and our relationship for a good while and I will see if she says something.

She has said that she cannot give you what you need.

I think she can. I think right now she is not doing so.

[bathtub-row]

Has your anniversary come and gone by now? I’m curious as to how it went.

[S2B]

To find that out would require reasonable suspicion of an affair that is not in evidence. Plus I'd have to pay for a private investigator from funds drawn from a joint account. Not worth it, in my opinion.

The desperate bargaining has already ceased, but thanks for haranguing me about it anyway.

 

There’s more than one way to check on her and we have been suggesting more than hiring a PI.

 

Why aren’t you doing the things suggested that are free? Check the phone bill! Check her bank account! Put her phone in tracking mode so you can see where she goes.

 

 

Why are you thinking the only way to find evidence is hiring a PI? We never said that the only way... get busy checking the info that’s free but very telling.

[Rotaglia]

Has your anniversary come and gone by now? I’m curious as to how it went.

Nope. I'll let you know. Sadly, I'm not at all looking forward to it. My main goal is to avoid more disappointment and humiliation.

[giotto]

Drivel for men and women who know that they cannot attract partners they want.

 

Still drivel... and toxic too, as someone else said...

[elaine567]

My main goal is to avoid more disappointment and humiliation.

 

Well, that is only going to occur if you assume or hope sex will be involved.

Otherwise why would there be disappointment and humiliation?

[bathtub-row]

Why are you thinking the only way to find evidence is hiring a PI? We never said that the only way... get busy checking the info that’s free but very telling.

 

I said it because it’s the most effective way to find out. But, yes, there are several ways to go about it. I think she’d be very careful, though, and hard to catch.

[bathtub-row]

Well, that is only going to occur if you assume or hope sex will be involved.

Otherwise why would there be disappointment and humiliation?

 

I agree. There’s no need for that.

 

OP, if you feel you must acknowledge the anniversary, then slap a card (a non-romantic one, signed only with your name) and a bundle of flowers (preferably wilted - lol) on the kitchen counter for her to find. Then make yourself busy for the rest of the day. What’s all his sweat about disappointment and humiliation? Do you have any control at all in this marriage? Any control at all over these romantic fantasies about a wife who has physically and emotionally checked out of your marriage?

 

As I stated in another post, I’d ignore her and the whole event, but that’s just me.

[elaine567]

I said it because it’s the most effective way to find out. But, yes, there are several ways to go about it. I think she’d be very careful, though, and hard to catch.

 

I would agree.

IF she is having an affair it may be entirely work based with a coworker or a client - using work phone, work emails - liaisons during work time or on work trips/nights out.

Staff may be aware and cover it up for her too, or if she is very discrete no-one may know.

[giotto]

I would agree.

IF she is having an affair it may be entirely work based with a coworker or a client - using work phone, work emails - liaisons during work time or on work trips/nights out.

Staff may be aware and cover it up for her too, or if she is very discrete no-one may know.

 

I still believe she is just gone off sex, for whatever reason... it happens...

[elaine567]

I still believe she is just gone off sex, for whatever reason... it happens...

 

That is why I capitalised the IF...

[giotto]

That is why I capitalised the IF...

 

ah, missed that, sorry...

[Rotaglia]

OP, if you feel you must acknowledge the anniversary, then slap a card (a non-romantic one, signed only with your name) and a bundle of flowers (preferably wilted - lol) on the kitchen counter for her to find. Then make yourself busy for the rest of the day. What’s all his sweat about disappointment and humiliation? Do you have any control at all in this marriage? Any control at all over these romantic fantasies about a wife who has physically and emotionally checked out of your marriage?

It’s all so very, very strange. I just got back from a trip and she seemed genuinely happy to see me and I was glad to see her, too. Conversations are very pleasant. I was, of course, psyched to see our twelve-year-old daughter and our dog. We exchange embraces and I guess what you would call semi-romantic kisses.

 

Nighttime is the oddest part. I like to sleep in the nude and on most nights I spoon with my wife which is rather arousing for me but of course nothing happens (and I am not open to sex at this point ... er, well, not very open ... nope, definitely not open). This morning I offered to handle some chores and she remarked that I'm a "good husband." I replied, "Yes, you're darn tootin' I am." It’s rather confusing. This is not a romantic or sexual thing, but whatever it is I really can't be sure.

 

It feels like a slow, inexorable slide to divorce to me.

[pepperbird]

op,

this is another one of those threads where everyone comes up with all sorts of possibilities for why the wife n question may have gone off sex.

 

 

It could be menopause, depression, exhaustion, illness, if she's autistic and has issues with sensory processing it could also affect her sex drive.

 

The simple fact is you will never know unless she tells you, and it may be very difficult for her to do so. If she is autistic, this advice may help.

 

 

I'm autistic, and talking about my feelings ( note I said talking) just doesn't work for me. What works really well is writing them out. Perhaps that would work for your wife?

 

Invite her out for a coffee. Buy some, and sit at a table or in your car. Before you go, write out a long letter to her in which you pour out ALL your thoughts and feelings. Be honest and don't be afraid she will be hurt ( so long as you aren't going out of your way to be mean) and take as much time as you need to pin all your thoughts down.

 

Now for the hard part. Give it to her to read and ask for her to respond. Tell her you don't want to talk about it, but ask her to write a response, taking whatever time she needs. Once she is ready, read it together and then talk. The reason I said to do this in a public place is that it's not going to be an easy operation, and she may try and wiggle out of it if you do this at home.

 

Also, keep in mind that no one on here knows your wife or her side of the story.

[Rotaglia]

I'm autistic, and talking about my feelings ( note I said talking) just doesn't work for me. What works really well is writing them out. Perhaps that would work for your wife?

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

[S2B]

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

 

I think you got this a$$ backwards! SHE should be explaining things to YOU, not the other way around!!!

 

Stop trying to stoop to a lower level to appease her sense of disregarding you.

 

Just stop!

 

Damn... she owes YOU explanations!

[Marc878]

You're wallowing at this time. You can read books, do chores, by flowers and cards, etc.

 

She just doesn't care about you or your needs.

 

You're only options are to get out of this sexless marriage or become a monk.

 

Kissing her ass won't get you a thing bud.

[bathtub-row]

I think you got this a$$ backwards! SHE should be explaining things to YOU, not the other way around!!!

 

Stop trying to stoop to a lower level to appease her sense of disregarding you.

 

Just stop!

 

Damn... she owes YOU explanations!

 

Amen. All this coddling and bowing to her really nauseates me. If my spouse rejected me in such a way with no explanation, I’d be pissed. And I sure as hell wouldn’t sleep in the same bed with them and cuddle them. Nuts.

[S2B]

It’s all so very, very strange. I just got back from a trip and she seemed genuinely happy to see me and I was glad to see her, too. Conversations are very pleasant. I was, of course, psyched to see our twelve-year-old daughter and our dog. We exchange embraces and I guess what you would call semi-romantic kisses.

 

Nighttime is the oddest part. I like to sleep in the nude and on most nights I spoon with my wife which is rather arousing for me but of course nothing happens (and I am not open to sex at this point ... er, well, not very open ... nope, definitely not open). This morning I offered to handle some chores and she remarked that I'm a "good husband." I replied, "Yes, you're darn tootin' I am." It’s rather confusing. This is not a romantic or sexual thing, but whatever it is I really can't be sure.

 

It feels like a slow, inexorable slide to divorce to me.

 

You are just rewarding her dismissive behavior.

 

Doing the chores etc... of course she thinks you’re great. You do the work at home and expect nothing physical from her. She gets to do things her way.

 

Ya, great husband.

 

You can be a great parent to your daughter even when you divorce her.

[Rotaglia]

It would certainly behoove my wife to apologize quite profusely for her past behavior. Her future behavior toward me is extremely important, obviously. I am definitely wary of her but I think there remains a sliver of hope that the marriage can be saved. It may not be the most likely outcome, but it is possible. I will keep it low-key and observe.

 

Kissing her ass won't get you a thing bud.

Is that an option? Do you think she'd let me do that?

 

Just kidding. ;-)

[giotto]

Is that an option? Do you think she'd let me do that?

 

Just kidding. ;-)

 

You are still in the "hopeful" phase... you are still hoping she will change her mind. She won't... not after 18 months... you will accept it eventually, but it's going to take a looooong time... also, try not to think it's all your fault. It never is. I know it's difficult, but do not over-analyse it.

[standtall]

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

 

Dude, tell her in said letter...don't ask for her permission to write her a letter....and explain to her that she owes it to her marriage to fully explain her position. If she doesn't, this one is easy...either live in a sexless marriage, or divorce, and make sure she knows that, then file.