Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BettyDraper]

What a bummer.

 

It seems pretty clear that whether or not my wife is having an affair, she is unwilling to truly reinvest in our relationship. She's emotionally divorced from me and the only reason she hasn't filed for legal divorce is that it would be stressful, inconvenient, and costly for her—and it would likely mean she drops to less than full custody of our minor child.

 

I don't want to tip her off that I am onto her charade, though. I want to be extremely well prepared once the ball finally drops.

 

It's lawyer time.

 

I’m glad that you’re finally going to take action.

[Rotaglia]

I'm seeing a new therapist next week.

 

Understandably, I am terribly bummed out about all this—not depressed exactly, just feeling the weight of extreme disappointment and not looking forward to the long, difficult slog ahead.

[Rotaglia]

Some time ago, my wife started keeping her phone at her bedside instead of in the living room for the night. Could it be because she wants to prevent me from seeing what is on it?

[giotto]

Some time ago, my wife started keeping her phone at her bedside instead of in the living room for the night. Could it be because she wants to prevent me from seeing what is on it?

 

Possible... or maybe not... you won't find out if you don't snoop...

[standtall]

Some time ago, my wife started keeping her phone at her bedside instead of in the living room for the night. Could it be because she wants to prevent me from seeing what is on it?

 

OP, very possible. She could also be doing the emotional cheating with an online presence. I'm with giotto...you will not find out unless you look.

[Rotaglia]

OP, very possible. She could also be doing the emotional cheating with an online presence. I'm with giotto...you will not find out unless you look.

I'll wait until she leaves her phone at home for the day. That happens periodically. Our daughter knows the passcode.

[Marc878]

It's an easier check to go online and view the data. Takes 10 minutes tops.

[Timshel]

Please do not involve you daughter.

[bathtub-row]

Why does your daughter have that info but not you? Does your wife know the pass code on your phone?

[bathtub-row]

Some time ago, my wife started keeping her phone at her bedside instead of in the living room for the night. Could it be because she wants to prevent me from seeing what is on it?

 

Sometime ago — like maybe around the time she stopped having sex with you?

[NotADayGoesBy]

It's an easier check to go online and view the data. Takes 10 minutes tops.

 

This, especially if she deletes text threads and such. You don't need to be Nancy Drew or hire a PI to get some evidence she's having an affair. You already checked the bank statements, so if the phone records don't turn up anything suspicious, then you can let that aspect go if you feel satisfied. If there is shady stuff on there, then you can proceed to the next step.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think it would make me lose my mind if my partner refused to talk about such a huge issue.

 

Have you considered flat out asking her: Do you want a divorce? Is that why you refuse to talk to me? Are you hoping I'll give up trying to fix us and leave?

[elaine567]

Have you considered flat out asking her: Do you want a divorce? Is that why you refuse to talk to me? Are you hoping I'll give up trying to fix us and leave?

 

I have a feeling she is quite happy with no sex and as the rest of their relationship seems OK, she is happy enough with the status quo.

She may be having a affair she may not be, but seems she is in no hurry to go anywhere.

If she can get him to stop pressing her for sex, then everything is hunky dory as far as she is concerned.

[Timshel]

Op is more content than she is to not leave his stay at home status...right Op? That's really all this thread is about. Your wife has told you point blank to get off somewhere else.

When a woman says that to your face yet you linger, it's about you, not her.

[BaileyB]

Who cares, really, if she is having an affair or not? Would it change your current situation in any way? What exactly would you do if you found an answer to this question?

 

I don’t understand the preoccupation with the thought that she is having an affair. It seems much more likely that she has decided to shut down shop than engage in an affair at her age and stage of life. The sad truth is, lots of women do this - it’s not uncommon. My aunt did this to her husband, who divorced her because it was not what he wanted for the rest of his days...

 

Your wife has effectively ended your sexual relationship. She seems content enough to keep paying your bills as she settles comfortably into a non-sexual relationship with you. If this is not ok with you OP, you have another choice.

[S2B]

She is smart enough to delete any info in case he looks at her phone. He won’t find it there.

 

Doing a search of the phone bill will expose more info... specifically who she texts with and any calls consistently to a number will expose if she is contacting someone on a regular basis.

 

Check the data area - write down numbers that show up constantly. Same with calls.

 

Then get checking to see who that number belongs to.

[elaine567]

It seems much more likely that she has decided to shut down shop than engage in an affair at her age and stage of life. The sad truth is, lots of women do this - it’s not uncommon. My aunt did this to her husband, who divorced her because it was not what he wanted for the rest of his days...

I tend to agree and i think there is an assumption in some quarters that a woman shutting down sex MUST be having an affair, when the reality is that some women can easily do without sex and that it is not that uncommon for a woman in a LTR to give up on sex all together.

The last thing such a woman needs is an affair and another man pressing her for sex...

[bathtub-row]

I agree that it’s a strong possibility that she’s just disinterested in sex and, if that’s the case, that seems to be less of an insult than if she were having an affair. That’s why it’s relevant as to whether she is or isn’t cheating.

[BaileyB]

I tend to agree and i think there is an assumption in some quarters that a woman shutting down sex MUST be having an affair, when the reality is that some women can easily do without sex and that it is not that uncommon for a woman in a LTR to give up on sex all together.

The last thing such a woman needs is an affair and another man pressing her for sex...

 

Lol. Very true.

[S2B]

Sometimes even when a woman is having an emotional affair with another man - they become disinterested in sex with the husband -

Mainly because they’re mind is preoccupied with the communication going on with the OM.

 

Some people can’t multi task affection - so the one they are truly interested in gets the bulk of their devotion - squeezing out room for the spouse.

 

That’s why it’s important to see if she is communicating with someone else on a regular basis.

[vla1120]

OP, I just have to say something, here. I was married for 32 years. I stayed even after he had cheated. I could have stayed forever, but when I got sick with cancer, it changed me. I felt I deserved better (and I did.) So I divorced my husband of 32 years. BUT! I went from the frying pan into the fire. I married the next guy I fell for and spent the next 4 years trying to get out of an emotionally abusive marriage. Now, I am alone. I am struggling with very serious problems with my daughter. Alone. What I am going through might be a little easier to bear if I had a partner in life - especially the father of my children, despite all of his faults.

 

Of course, in the ideal marriage, there is mutual respect, a mutual interest in fairly frequent sex, compatibility in political views, religious views, child-rearing views, equality in income potential, similar palates for food and drink, etc., etc., etc.

 

I am reminded of something a marriage counselor once told me. “The problem is not so much that a married couple is incompatible, but that couples are unwilling to accept what “is” instead of trying to make their partner change.”

 

Just be careful what you wish for.

[Rotaglia]

Have you considered flat out asking her: Do you want a divorce? Is that why you refuse to talk to me? Are you hoping I'll give up trying to fix us and leave?

Yes, we have had a couple of conversations along those lines. There are quite a few troubling things here. As I've pointed out repeatedly, sex is always 100% voluntary in my marriage; however, a wholesale change in the nature of the relationship from sexual to non-sexual ought to entail an extensive series of discussions and she chose to remain silent, which was extremely painful for me and damaging to the relationship. Although I have expressed to her that while sex is important to me, she is more important to me than sex (I thought this was a very powerful statement, but it does not seem to have moved her), I think there are a number of things she could do to make the relationship work despite whatever changes she is experiencing that make sex less of interest.

 

But it's her reaction when confronted that is most baffling. After more than a year with no sex, I finally insisted on an explanation and she tearfully said I should leave her for another woman who could give me the love and sex I deserve. I was gobsmacked and said I wasn't going anywhere and we could work things out. But nothing changed. Later when pressed again, she said she was "ambivalent" about the marriage and was 80/20 in favor of remaining married.

 

She refuses marriage counseling because she says it leads to divorce. I know, I'm confused by that statement, too.

 

She says she knows I want more but cannot provide that right now.

[mark clemson]

She refuses marriage counseling because she says it leads to divorce. I know, I'm confused by that statement, too.

 

 

I could well be wrong here, but possibly that means that the TRUTH leads to divorce. In theory at least, you're supposed to be completely honest in MC since you have a referee of sorts. Don't know that that's what she means, but could be.

[BaileyB]

She says she knows I want more but cannot provide that right now.

 

Perhaps I missed this, but her reason being...

 

She refuses marriage counseling because she says it leads to divorce. I know, I'm confused by that statement, too.

 

You know what leads to divorce... no sex in a marriage and a statement like this one...

Later when pressed again, she said she was "ambivalent" about the marriage and was 80/20 in favor of remaining married.

[Rotaglia]

OP, I just have to say something, here. I was married for 32 years. I stayed even after he had cheated. I could have stayed forever, but when I got sick with cancer, it changed me. I felt I deserved better (and I did.) So I divorced my husband of 32 years. BUT! I went from the frying pan into the fire. I married the next guy I fell for and spent the next 4 years trying to get out of an emotionally abusive marriage. Now, I am alone. I am struggling with very serious problems with my daughter. Alone. What I am going through might be a little easier to bear if I had a partner in life - especially the father of my children, despite all of his faults.

 

Of course, in the ideal marriage, there is mutual respect, a mutual interest in fairly frequent sex, compatibility in political views, religious views, child-rearing views, equality in income potential, similar palates for food and drink, etc., etc., etc.

 

I am reminded of something a marriage counselor once told me. “The problem is not so much that a married couple is incompatible, but that couples are unwilling to accept what “is” instead of trying to make their partner change.”

 

Just be careful what you wish for.

I really don't want this marriage to end. I want to find a livable fix for our problems. I am really disturbed by her behavior and her apparent belief that she doesn't owe me any apologies nor is there any need for her martial conduct to change.

[Rotaglia]

Sadly, I think she really does want/expect a divorce but is too afraid to admit that's what she wants. What a colossal disappointment and utter bummer! :-( It's not the end of the world. I would survive a divorce, but it's crummy for our children and divorce is not a panacea for one's problems.

 

I am certainly not eager for a new relationship (some sex would be nice, I admit) and I am not looking forward to the prospect of the misery of the divorce process and having to completely rebuild my life after an inevitable legal and emotional war.

 

I would rather repair the relationship but it takes two to tango. She has behaved so dreadfully that it would take a lot to rebuild my trust. I really don't know how my sexual and emotional needs could be met within this marriage but I would be happy to entertain her suggestions.

 

My values are not negotiable. I will not cheat on my wife to get the sex I want. I am not interested in an open marriage. I'm of the opinion that even couples that don't have sexual intercourse do have a sex life ... what's depressing is that my wife does not take my sexual needs as something she needs to address.

 

I'm feeling rather discouraged.