Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

Maybe my wife responds better to actions than to words. For the last few weeks, I haven't broached the subject of our relationship. I'll let her bring it up if she wants to.

 

Meanwhile, I will work on myself, start preparing to re-enter the workplace, move on with my life in other areas while continuing to serve my family. I will be kind to my wife, have fun with her, and see what develops. I will not act in haste.

 

No sex, talk of sex, or putting on of the moves until further notice.

[S2B]

Ya, good luck with that.

 

She said she doesn’t want sex with you. What don’t you understand about that?

 

You are trying to change her - ok, go ahead - change yourself...

 

You aren’t accepting what IS... that’s what I see.

 

You are wasting your time and energy.

 

And you still don’t make effort to find out who she’s interested in!

 

Your head is in the sand!

[giotto]

You keep saying that like "to allow" is actual marital verb. I did nothing to "allow" anything. She unilaterally terminated our sex life and then put up an invisible-but-very-real wall against discussing it.

 

ok, you have enabled her... by not stating your "problem" early on. If I do something which I know it will damage the marriage for 18 months and my wife doesn't say anything at all, I will assume she is fine with it or she doesn't care... and I would be shocked if 312 weeks later, she'd say... "why are you doing this"? You let it go for too long. She is not coming back...

[Rotaglia]

ok, you have enabled her... by not stating your "problem" early on. If I do something which I know it will damage the marriage for 18 months and my wife doesn't say anything at all, I will assume she is fine with it or she doesn't care... and I would be shocked if 312 weeks later, she'd say... "why are you doing this"? You let it go for too long. She is not coming back...

You're excusing her abusive, marriage-destroying, selfish, toxic marital conduct and blaming the victim for it. I certainly hope you don't counsel domestic violence victims for a living. Whose side are you on, anyway?

[BaileyB]

Meanwhile, I will work on myself, start preparing to re-enter the workplace, move on with my life in other areas while continuing to serve my family. I will be kind to my wife, have fun with her, and see what develops. I will not act in haste.

 

All good things to do, whether it improves your marriage or not. You will need a job if you do divorce.

[anika99]

OP I haven't read the entire thread but I've read most of it and I really do believe your wife's biggest problem is menopause. I've seen some posters say it can't be that because other women can have sex through menopause or because at age 56 she should be through it already. But menopause is an individual experience and it's different for everyone. I belong to an online menopause support group that has thousands of women and total loss of sex drive and/or painful sex has got to be the most common topic there.

 

Also many women are just entering menopause at age 56, check some of them haven't even started menopause at that age. The average age for menopause is 52 but plenty of women don't reach menopause for several years past that. Menopause doesn't end. Once a woman goes into menopause she is there for life. Some women will stop having symptoms after a few years and some won't, however if a woman has suffered vaginal atrophy that can be very hard to reverse.

 

And it's not just the waning sex drive that wreaks havoc on relationships. For some women their entire emotional state and mental state is in turmoil. They are depressed, anxious, full of worry, grieving their youth, hating who they see in the mirror. They are sometimes suffering with a myriad of new health issues that aren't usually considered to be menopause symptoms but they were triggered by menopause nonetheless. Things like allergies, skin problems, digestion disorders, etc. Menopausal women often struggle with feeling numb towards not only their spouse, but sometimes their entire family. In my online group I've lost track of how many times I've seen married women say they sometimes wish their spouse would just disappear and they don't say that in a " I'm a bitch and proud of it" kind of way. They are actually deeply saddened that they feel that way and some are actually afraid that their spouse will leave them if they don't snap out of it, but they can't snap out of it.

 

What I noticed throughout your thread is that you don't seem to know much about your wife's menopause and how she is experiencing it. Do you know how long she has been in menopause? What exactly her symptoms are? How she feels about hormone replacement therapy? Has she tried hormone replacement therapy? In other words, has this experience been something that she can talk to you about? Can she discuss her menopause woes with you or does she feel like she has to keep her female problems to herself because you are not interested in hearing about such things? There are a few men who participate on the online support group I belong to because they are trying to understand what their wives are going through. You also might want to consider at least reading up on it.

[S2B]

I'd be willing to work during the daytime if it becomes necessary due to separation/divorce or maybe just for its own sake. Perhaps it's time. I'm definitely employable as I have an advanced degree, plenty of useful skills, and I'm pleasant to be around. I'm not even 50 years old yet, so ageism is not a huge concern yet in terms of getting hired.

 

The nice thing about working the way I currently work is enables me to care for our home, our kids, and my mother-in-law with dementia who lives in a distant state. I can still do all those things with a full-time job, but it would be harder. Also, I like having the time to perform/rehearse/practice as a musician but that can be sacrificed or backburnered if needed.

 

I recognize that my current lifestyle depends on my wife's income but it's something we agreed on. Of course we can alter the agreement but that ought to be a mutual decision.

 

No mutual decisions anymore. Your wife changed the rules.

 

You don’t need her approval anymore. You need a job!

 

Go get one lined up. Your wife doesn’t respect you. You will need income to support yourself. Spousal support will help but you need a job that pays you money.

 

Get on it. You don’t want to be behind - so get going now.

 

You have been submissive and that’s what has put you in this position.

 

You need to start to take charge of your future. If your wife needs to get other care for her ailing Mother then she can find someone to help. She caused this - she can find the solution.

 

When you start to change things then your wife may notice that she screwed things up.

[anika99]

Also wanted to add that I'm not suggesting that you should just accept the status quo of your marriage just because your wife might be going through a really tough time with menopause. However if you learn more about menopause and then approach your wife from a place of understanding and you make her feel safe to open up and talk about it too then she may be more willing to get help.

 

And something else, during my last year of perimenopause and about the first 18 months of menopause my sex drive vanished, it was totally gone for about 2.5 years. I was so glad that I was single at that time because the thought of someone pawing me for sex was repulsive. Then much to my amazement my sex drive reappeared. It was sporadic at first, but it slowly became more frequent and now it's pretty consistent. So don't despair too soon. Somethings can get better in time.

Edited March 23, 2019 by anika99

[giotto]

You're excusing her abusive, marriage-destroying, selfish, toxic marital conduct and blaming the victim for it. I certainly hope you don't counsel domestic violence victims for a living. Whose side are you on, anyway?

 

I'm not excusing her and I agree it's an abusive behaviour, but if you don't say anything, how would she know you have a problem? Because you are the one with the problem. She is fine. And you are not a victim. You allowed this to happen to you. And I'm not sure why you would want to "fix" this after what she's done to you. I would run...

[Rotaglia]

I'm not excusing her and I agree it's an abusive behaviour, but if you don't say anything, how would she know you have a problem? Because you are the one with the problem.

The assumption that it was perfectly fine to unilaterally terminate our sex life with no regard for my feelings and not so much as a loving conversation is totally unacceptable marital conduct. Period, full stop. I eventually did confront her after months of tiptoeing around the issue.

You allowed this to happen to you.

I allowed nothing. That is nonsense.

And I'm not sure why you would want to "fix" this after what she's done to you. I would run...

Gee, I dunno ... maybe after 22-odd years invested, two kids, a mortgage, I think this marriage deserves a shot at rebuilding.

[Rotaglia]

words, has this experience been something that she can talk to you about? Can she discuss her menopause woes with you or does she feel like she has to keep her female problems to herself because you are not interested in hearing about such things?

I would absolutely be willing to support her through her menopause symptoms, discuss them with her, devise coping strategies but she really seems disinterested in venturing anywhere near those possibilities.

 

There are a few men who participate on the online support group I belong to because they are trying to understand what their wives are going through. You also might want to consider at least reading up on it.

I'm definitely the kind of husband who would be happy to meet any emotional need my wife would acknowledge to me (other than to be given more solitude, which I am working on). However, feeling as hurt and rejected as I do makes that task harder.

[Rotaglia]

Well, my wife and I have a date night scheduled for a week from tonight. Maybe some good conversation and a nice meal will result in some true progress. I wonder if I should prepare a PowerPoint presentation or something.

[S2B]

True progress... what would that look like?

 

I’m worried for you... I hope you don’t have your expectations set too high.

 

What’s the date night entail?

Edited April 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[giotto]

The assumption that it was perfectly fine to unilaterally terminate our sex life with no regard for my feelings and not so much as a loving conversation is totally unacceptable marital conduct. Period, full stop. I eventually did confront her after months of tiptoeing around the issue.

 

This is why I said it was an abusive behaviour...

 

I allowed nothing. That is nonsense.

 

You didn't speak up, so you allowed the situation to continue...

 

If you witness abusive behaviour, surely you act quickly to stop it... waiting 18 months?

[Rotaglia]

You didn't speak up, so you allowed the situation to continue...

 

If you witness abusive behaviour, surely you act quickly to stop it... waiting 18 months?

I didn't *wait* at all. I noticed the lack of sex and took sensible action. I made sure my wife had more me-time. I bought flowers. I arranged date-nights. I lit candles. I tried to re-ignite the spark. It's true I didn't say, "Hey, we aren't having sex—what's the deal?" because I figured that would be indelicate. I did finally bring it up about eight months along (she pledged to work on it but that went nowhere). I didn't silent accept the situation but I did faul to confront her.

[giotto]

I didn't *wait* at all. I noticed the lack of sex and took sensible action. I made sure my wife had more me-time. I bought flowers. I arranged date-nights. I lit candles. I tried to re-ignite the spark. It's true I didn't say, "Hey, we aren't having sex—what's the deal?" because I figured that would be indelicate. I did finally bring it up about eight months along (she pledged to work on it but that went nowhere). I didn't silent accept the situation but I did faul to confront her.

 

ok, I get it... personally, after 2 weeks of no sex, I always asked, gently. Indelicate? What's indelicate about asking your wife for a romp after a while? Maybe you've been too delicate...

 

What are you going to do? One day you say it's finished, 3 hours later you've changed your mind...

[S2B]

Maybe something happened to her.

 

Maybe she got a std? Maybe she was raped? We could guess all day long why she eliminated an intragal part of intimacy/loving behavior within any marriage. But the point is - she should be willing to tell you why no sex - but she won’t. She has blocked you off from the portion of marriage that makes things ideal. Now you’ve been reduced to “being friends”. She holds all the power and you’re angry.

 

If something happened and she didn’t tell you then that is also an issue.

 

The fact that she won’t talk about it and won’t change a thing leaves you very little to work with.

 

Personally I think she’s mean and cruel.

 

But she knows she holds all the power. So getting a job is where you do have a chance to change something about the I’m allance within your relationship.

 

How soon can you be working?

[Rotaglia]

True progress... what would that look like?

Good question. Some things I would find encouraging is her acknowledging some of the issues and identifying possible solutions or paths to solutions. It would take a lot to rebuild this relationship but it is not impossible if both parties are willing to have an open and honest dialogue.

I’m worried for you... I hope you don’t have your expectations set too high.

I'm endeavoring to temper expectations and keep them modest.

What’s the date night entail?

A nice dinner? Maybe a movie?

[Rotaglia]

Maybe something happened to her.

 

Maybe she got a std? Maybe she was raped? We could guess all day long why she eliminated an [integral] part of intimacy/loving behavior within any marriage. But the point is - she should be willing to tell you why no sex - but she won’t. She has blocked you off from the portion of marriage that makes things ideal. Now you’ve been reduced to “being friends”. She holds all the power and you’re angry.

I did tell her early on that one of my biggest fears was that she was at some point the victim of sexual abuse of some type. She said that she "didn't think" that was a factor, but who knows?

If something happened and she didn’t tell you then that is also an issue.

Yes, but I could understand her initial reluctance.

Personally I think she’s mean and cruel.

Her behavior has had a cruel effect on me, no question. If she were to recognize that and take steps to remedy it, I would feel a heck of a lot better.

But she knows she holds all the power. So getting a job is where you do have a chance to change something about the imbalance within your relationship.

How soon can you be working?

I can work whenever I want to. It will be a bit more difficult to accomplish other things (like caring for my mother-in-law with dementia who lives in a distant state), but it is all doable.

[Rotaglia]

The bottom line is that I love this woman unconditionally. That doesn't mean I have to stay married to her but it does mean that she's entitled to a second chance if she is willing to accept accountability for her mistakes and work on rectifying them and changing her future behavior. My expectations are far from unreasonable.

[Rotaglia]

What are you going to do? One day you say it's finished, 3 hours later you've changed your mind...

It ain't over until one of us says it's over (and even then it would be a separation and divorce process that could be reversed) and I'm not ready to quit. I admit to going back and forth in my mind but I am not sharing my thought process with my wife for this stretch.

 

My current strategy of calming way down and being cheerful, dependable, and predictable might be working. I haven't tried to talk to her about the relationship and waiting for her to come to me probably drives her a little nuts (but maybe in a good way). She knows it's her move next and I don't think she likes that fact.

 

I'm focusing on things other than the relationship right now.

[BettyDraper]

It ain't over until one of us says it's over (and even then it would be a separation and divorce process that could be reversed) and I'm not ready to quit. I admit to going back and forth in my mind but I am not sharing my thought process with my wife for this stretch.

 

My current strategy of calming way down and being cheerful, dependable, and predictable might be working. I haven't tried to talk to her about the relationship and waiting for her to come to me probably drives her a little nuts (but maybe in a good way). She knows it's her move next and I don't think she likes that fact.

 

I'm focusing on things other than the relationship right now.

 

What are you choosing to focus on?

 

You look after your MIL and your wife still treats you with this level of disrespect?!

 

If having your own way of securing a residence and income for yourself was not a factor, would you still be willing to cling to a marriage which is awfully one sided?

 

Just a thought-maybe your wife is bored of your dependable predictability and passive acceptance of her unfair behavior.

[Rotaglia]

What are you choosing to focus on?

I have some very engrossing projects in my work that I am enjoying.

 

You look after your MIL and your wife still treats you with this level of disrespect?!

I am hoping that she will begin treating me much more respectfully going forward.

 

If having your own way of securing a residence and income for yourself was not a factor, would you still be willing to cling to a marriage which is awfully one sided?

This really isn't about money. If we had to split up, I would be more than able to earn an income.

 

Just a thought-maybe your wife is bored of your dependable predictability and passive acceptance of her unfair behavior.

I hear you. It's a risk but I believe there is a good chance of a turnaround.

[S2B]

I have some very engrossing projects in my work that I am enjoying.

 

I am hoping that she will begin treating me much more respectfully going forward.

 

This really isn't about money. If we had to split up, I would be more than able to earn an income.

 

I hear you. It's a risk but I believe there is a good chance of a turnaround.

 

There’s not gonna be a turnaround. Get that straight.

 

You’ve been weak and she can walk all over you... yet nothing changes... because you don’t change it.

 

She has NO reason to change anything - and no respect for you - which leaves her completely unwilling to have sex with you.

 

She isn’t changing a thing - including having sex with you.

 

You are her doormat. You’ve volunteered for that position... and it works for her.

 

You’d be smart to get a job now! Save money in a separate account. And get yourself set up so you can be independent when that time comes.

 

Heck, you don’t even have enough money set aside that’s your own money to get an attorney or a private investigator.

 

Earn your own money = keep it separate! When she asks why it’s separate - tell her you’re unwilling to discuss that - the same way she is unwilling to discuss no sex with you.

 

Start taking the lead man! Start making NEW rules! She’s made the rules for too long!

 

Earn money ASAP so you can build a life without answering to HER!

[pepperbird]

op,

please take ALL the responses on here, including mine, with a HUGE grain of salt.

Some on here aren't happy unless everyone else is as miserable as they are. Others really do want to help.

 

 

One thing to keep in mind before taking advice about divorce. No one on here has heard your wife's side to the story, but that's the nature of an online forum. If we were to hear her side, the advice might be very different. If she were to post her side, what do you think it would look like? It might sound odd, but have you considered encouraging her to join an online forum, if not this one, then one suited to her needs?

 

 

 

Online support can be a wonderful thing, but make sure to use your own good judgement.