Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[pepperbird]

 

You are her doormat. You’ve volunteered for that position... and it works for her.

 

You’d be smart to get a job now! Save money in a separate account. And get yourself set up so you can be independent when that time comes.

 

Heck, you don’t even have enough money set aside that’s your own money to get an attorney or a private investigator.

 

Earn your own money = keep it separate! When she asks why it’s separate - tell her you’re unwilling to discuss that - the same way she is unwilling to discuss no sex with you.

 

Start taking the lead man! Start making NEW rules! She’s made the rules for too long!

 

Earn money ASAP so you can build a life without answering to HER!

 

 

I would do some boning up on family law before you offer this sort of advice.

In many places, any money he earns would be considered community property,and if he tried to hide it in a bank account, he'll get his knuckles soundly rapped in court.

If he's not working and he's the primary child care provider, his wife would likely end up paying him spousal support and child support.

 

Op,

I would advise you to do some serious thinking about what you want. If it's staying with your wife in an improved marriage, then work towards that goal. If it;s striking out on your own, then work towards that goal.

 

 

If you don't know, then book some time with a counselor. Work through all of this.

 

 

One more question, and I am not accusing you of anything, just asking. Have you ever had an affair, physical or emotional, or given her cause to think you have? It doesn't matter how long ago it was. If so, then that could be playing a huge role in all of this. She may have swept her bad feelings under the rug, and it's coming out now.

[Rotaglia]

op,

please take ALL the responses on here, including mine, with a HUGE grain of salt.

Some on here aren't happy unless everyone else is as miserable as they are. Others really do want to help.

Thank you. So noted.

One thing to keep in mind before taking advice about divorce. No one on here has heard your wife's side to the story, but that's the nature of an online forum. If we were to hear her side, the advice might be very different. If she were to post her side, what do you think it would look like? It might sound odd, but have you considered encouraging her to join an online forum, if not this one, then one suited to her needs?

It's tough to know her side of the story because she keeps clamming up. I have really tried to listen with kindness and understanding but I don't seem to be getting through to her.

I would do some boning up on family law before you offer this sort of advice.

In many places, any money he earns would be considered community property,and if he tried to hide it in a bank account, he'll get his knuckles soundly rapped in court.

If he's not working and he's the primary child care provider, his wife would likely end up paying him spousal support and child support.

 

Op,

I would advise you to do some serious thinking about what you want. If it's staying with your wife in an improved marriage, then work towards that goal. If it;s striking out on your own, then work towards that goal.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel so fed up with my wife's mistreatment of me, her obvious lack of investment in our relationship, her ambivalence, the lack of sex and emotional intimacy. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with it all.

 

On the other hand, I often feel like I would rather mend our relationship than end it. I truly love this woman and care for her as a person I and I would like the opportunity to start meeting her emotional needs again.

 

One more question, and I am not accusing you of anything, just asking. Have you ever had an affair, physical or emotional, or given her cause to think you have? It doesn't matter how long ago it was. If so, then that could be playing a huge role in all of this. She may have swept her bad feelings under the rug, and it's coming out now.

No, I have never had any kind of infidelity, emotional or physical. I am beginning to wonder if maybe she has, though.

[elaine567]

A big deal is being made of the fact she didn't talk to you or she refuses to talk to you about the withdrawal of sex, with even the word "abuse" being bandied about.

BUT I guess there is only a small subset of women who are going to frankly talk to their husband about the menopause.

It is a huge deal to some.

To some it is the end of life as they knew it. It is a whole new chapter and not one they find is a nice or exciting one.

Suddenly old age and death beckons.

They are "officially" and hormonally deemed to be an old woman and are thus infertile, "useless" and "undesirable". Society is not kind to the older woman, unless she wants to immediately adopt the granny role. Any who seek to reclaim youth are often laughed at.

 

They grieve their youth, the loss of fertility, the loss of femininity, the loss of their libido, the loss of "normality"...

Add to that, menopausal symptoms can be horrible in themselves.

 

The last person some want to talk about all that to, is their husband...

[bathtub-row]

I guess I’m missing the part where OP is weak and being abused if he chooses to stay and work on himself and his marriage. Getting divorced is a big deal and not something to jump into. It took me 2 years to leave my son’s dad. It was a really tough decision. So, when I did leave, I never questioned my decision. But I never stopped being sorry that it had to end.

[BettyDraper]

I guess I’m missing the part where OP is weak and being abused if he chooses to stay and work on himself and his marriage. Getting divorced is a big deal and not something to jump into. It took me 2 years to leave my son’s dad. It was a really tough decision. So, when I did leave, I never questioned my decision. But I never stopped being sorry that it had to end.

 

How can the OP work on his marriage if his wife is unwilling to make any effort? She already told him to go find someone else.

[bathtub-row]

How can the OP work on his marriage if his wife is unwilling to make any effort? She already told him to go find someone else.

 

Let’s just say she’s being truthful and that sex just completely turns her off. However, she may fear that this will cause her marriage to end so she tells him that because she’s afraid of holding him back. Who knows? A person can work on a marriage without the spouse being involved. Their actions will have an impact on the spouse whether they’re aware of it or not. Maybe it won’t make any difference, maybe his wife is a big, fat liar, maybe it’ll turn her head that her husband is that devoted to her. You never know. No one should ever walk away from a marriage until they’re ready to or they no longer have any choice in the matter.

[S2B]

His posts here are just as in his marriage... he doesn’t want to DO anything to change things... just “hoping” that magically things get better.

 

It doesn’t work that way. But he seems to think things will be fine.

 

They will be fine only if you are just dandy with the way they are now.

[Rotaglia]

I am definitely absorbing all of the replies and I appreciate them. Just because I might push back against some of the suggestions does not mean they are unhelpful or unappreciated.

 

Divorce is a messy, emotionally difficult, stressful process and should not be undertaken lightly. It really ought to be the very last resort. There are some things I will not tolerate indefinitely.

 

My wife and I don't have very long to mend things before the reactor goes critical and melts down.

[Rotaglia]

One really tough part of rebuilding this marriage is restoring the sexual and romantic bond with a woman in whom my trust has been so sorely shaken.

[S2B]

One really tough part of rebuilding this marriage is restoring the sexual and romantic bond with a woman in whom my trust has been so sorely shaken.

 

Even more so when one part of the two refuses to participate even with a conversation - much less action. Hmmm

[Rotaglia]

Even more so when one part of the two refuses to participate even with a conversation - much less action. Hmmm

To which one of us (my wife or me) are you referring?

[S2B]

I was referring to the fact that you expect the marriage to be restored in an area when one part (your wife) won’t participate (the sex). And she told you to go find someone else. That says it all.

 

She isn’t interested in having sex with you. How do expect to restore that when she doesn’t intend to participate at all?

 

It doesn’t seem realistic or feasible.

 

You aren’t accepting something you can’t change. You also aren’t changing things you can.

 

See why it looks like you are stuck?

Edited March 25, 2019 by S2B

[Rotaglia]

Yup. I see that.

 

The sex thing is probably solvable if my wife had the will to do so. She could make things tolerable for me in numerous possible ways. We could figure out how to have a sex life that works for both of us but she might have to consider individual, marriage, or sex therapy. She might have to read a few books. Where there's a will there's a way, sexually speaking.

 

I guess she just doesn't have the will.

That sucks!

 

But our problems go well beyond sex. I think maybe where I erred is that I got too head-over-heels in love and she feels bad that she can't match my intensity. Now she probably feels like whatever she can offer me is inadequate or not worthy of me or some such nonsense.

Edited March 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and redact quote

[S2B]

Sounds like the end of she isn’t willing...

[BettyDraper]

Let’s just say she’s being truthful and that sex just completely turns her off. However, she may fear that this will cause her marriage to end so she tells him that because she’s afraid of holding him back. Who knows? A person can work on a marriage without the spouse being involved. Their actions will have an impact on the spouse whether they’re aware of it or not. Maybe it won’t make any difference, maybe his wife is a big, fat liar, maybe it’ll turn her head that her husband is that devoted to her. You never know. No one should ever walk away from a marriage until they’re ready to or they no longer have any choice in the matter.

 

I disagree that one spouse can work on a marriage independently.

Marriage is a team effort which will not be successful unless both partners are willing to work at their relationship.

 

I don't know how much more devotion the OP can show his wife.

To be honest, it seems like he may need to dial back his somewhat slavish attitude toward his marriage.

[BettyDraper]

The sex thing is probably solvable if my wife had the will to do so. She could make things tolerable for me in numerous possible ways. We could figure out how to have a sex life that works for both of us but she might have to consider individual' date=' marriage, or sex therapy. She might have to read a few books. [/quote']

 

Have you asked your wife to seek any type of therapy? If so, what was her response?

Edited March 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

I think maybe where I erred is that I got too head-over-heels in love and she feels bad that she can't match my intensity. Now she probably feels like whatever she can offer me is inadequate or not worthy of me or some such nonsense.

 

I think you give her too much credit.

 

It’s very clear that you have very different priorities, in your lives and for your marriage. You are on two very different pages, running two very different game plans... I think you totally underestimate the factors at play here, specifically the effect of menopause on her sex drive and the fact that she carries the load as the primary breadwinner for your family. I’m not sure that she really cares about maintaining the intimacy in your relationship as much as you think she does... If that is the case, any suggestion you make is going to fall flat.

[Rotaglia]

I disagree that one spouse can work on a marriage independently.

Marriage is a team effort which will not be successful unless both partners are willing to work at their relationship.

In The Divorce Remedy, Michele Weiner Davis suggests working on yourself first to save the marriage before engaging your spouse in that effort. Her approach is not without controversy, but perhaps it has merit.

 

I don't know how much more devotion the OP can show his wife.

To be honest, it seems like he may need to dial back his somewhat slavish attitude toward his marriage.

I am trying to do exactly that.

Have you asked your wife to seek any type of therapy? If so, what was her response?

Yes, I asked her if she would be willing to see a marriage counselor and she said no because “that leads to divorce.” It’s a popular, cynical view that is not supported by statistics.

 

I think you give her too much credit.

 

It’s very clear that you have very different priorities, in your lives and for your marriage. You are on two very different pages, running two very different game plans... I think you totally underestimate the factors at play here, specifically the effect of menopause on her sex drive and the fact that she carries the load as the primary breadwinner for your family. I’m not sure that she really cares about maintaining the intimacy in your relationship as much as you think she does... If that is the case, any suggestion you make is going to fall flat.

I do not underestimate the impact menopause is having on my wife's sex drive. Clearly it's a considerable impact. But if she is not willing to talk about it in detail with me, perhaps seek treatment for her symptoms, develop strategies to maintain the sexual bond even when she doesn't want to have sexual intercourse, etc. I don't see what can be done to mitigate the negative effects of menopause on our relationship.

 

All I managed to get her to agree to when we both read an article about women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s opting to divorce when menopause was happening to them was that she would abandon talk of divorce. Not exactly a sweeping concession.

[Blanco]

Infidelity seems to be the most obvious reason, but given the circumstances, I'm willing to believe that she's merely just mentally checked out and there's not necessarily another man.

 

If your youngest is 12, then the idea of you being a SAHD is a concept that was discussed more than a decade ago. It's possible she's no longer content with that arrangement. It's not really fair, but the average woman is probably not gonna be content being the breadwinner of a relationship long-term, especially as the kids get older and there's less nitty gritty stuff for the stay-at-home parent to do.

 

At any rate, it sounds like she's not communicating well, possibly because she's past the point of no return, and thus, sees no point in having these tough talks. I'm in the camp that thinks you'll probably knock yourself out for nothing trying to fix this all by yourself. It takes two to rebuild.

[giotto]

You can try and make yourself more "attractive", but, in my experience, the success stories are very limited. Mine was a failure and still is. Still waiting for my wife to change her mind. Unfortunately, she doesn't know about my deadline: next September. Not that I believe she'll be shocked when I tell her that I want to separate...

 

All in all, I think you should give it another shot. See what happens. What do you have to lose?

[Rotaglia]

Infidelity seems to be the most obvious reason, but given the circumstances, I'm willing to believe that she's merely just mentally checked out and there's not necessarily another man.

Yup. Neither one is good news for me.

 

If your youngest is 12, then the idea of you being a SAHD is a concept that was discussed more than a decade ago. It's possible she's no longer content with that arrangement. It's not really fair, but the average woman is probably not gonna be content being the breadwinner of a relationship long-term, especially as the kids get older and there's less nitty gritty stuff for the stay-at-home parent to do.

All fine. I have mentioned that if there is anything about our life together that doesn't sit right with her and needs to change, we should discuss it, but she says no. That pretty much shuts down that conversation.

 

At any rate, it sounds like she's not communicating well, possibly because she's past the point of no return, and thus, sees no point in having these tough talks. I'm in the camp that thinks you'll probably knock yourself out for nothing trying to fix this all by yourself. It takes two to rebuild.

Precisely. I feel like she's already made the decision to divorce as soon as it is convenient for her. Maybe she plans to string me along until our youngest leaves for college.

 

Maybe we should explore a post-nuptial agreement that would protect me financially in the event we should split (and reduce the conflict, grief, and perhaps hefty legal fees that would ensue).

[BaileyB]

Maybe we should explore a post-nuptial agreement that would protect me financially in the event we should split (and reduce the conflict, grief, and perhaps hefty legal fees that would ensue).

 

Maybe she stays because she knows she is going owe you a ton of support in the event of a divorce. That’s motivation to keep the status quo.

 

This has happened to a friend of mine, her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage. He could never decided “what he wanted to do” and the work he would find was generally beneath him... As the kids got older, she finally decided that she couldn’t stay in the marriage and carry his dead weight anymore... She filed for divorce and she and the kids moved into her parent she home so that she could afford to pay spousal support to her husband. He then went through the home when they sold the home and told her what furniture he wanted - furniture that she paid for because she worked and supported the family through the entire marriage.

 

Yeah, divorce was a use financial blow for her and she tried for years to hold on and avoid the cost of divorce until finally, she couldn’t stand it anymore.

 

We don’t know what kind of arrangement you’ve made with your wife OP. But, the fact is, your children are teenagers now and one of your children has reached adulthood - not really needing a stay at home dad anymore... this is what I mean when I say I think you underestimate the factors here. I hate to be blunt, if you were my husband and you were more concerned with signing an agreement to protect himself financially in the event of divorce than getting a job and being a partner in the marriage - that would make me feel like I had three dependents, not two. There is nothing sexy about that. Not to minimize what you have contributed in caring for and raising your daughters all these years in any way... because it’s unlikely that she could have a big job if you didn’t have some flexibility at home. But, the times are a changing as your daughters get older and if you want to be treated and respected like a life partner - then you need to be a partner, in every sense of the word.

Edited March 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[giotto]

her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage.

 

Looking after the kids is not work?

[giotto]

Maybe she plans to string me along until our youngest leaves for college.

 

Depriving you of sex so early in her plan seems silly to me...

[Rotaglia]

I hate to be blunt, if you were my husband and you were more concerned with signing an agreement to protect himself financially in the event of divorce than getting a job and being a partner in the marriage - that would make me feel like I had three dependents, not two. There is nothing sexy about that. Not to minimize what you have contributed in caring for and raising your daughters all these years in any way... because it’s unlikely that she could have a big job if you didn’t have some flexibility at home. But, the times are a changing as your daughters get older and if you want to be treated and respected like a life partner - then you need to be a partner, in every sense of the word.

Her ability to thrive in her career is greatly enhanced by having a stay-at-home parent who cares for our younger child, takes care of our home, social life, doctor's appointments—basically everything in our life not directly related to my wife's job. Now, if she doesn't quite see it that way or she wants to change that arrangement or secretly resents it or whatever, it is incumbent on her to raise that issue with me so it can be addressed.

 

I am not a mindreader and I shouldn't be expected to be one in order for my wife to respect me and have sex with me. On the other hand, I do try to anticipate her needs but it sure would be nice if she would identify those needs to me so I can meet them better than I am apparently meeting them now.