Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[elaine567]

Looking after the kids is not work?

 

Of course it is, but the concept of the full time stay at home parent is no longer seen as the norm.

Both parents tend to work and contribute to the kitty. One child is an adult and the other is 12, so little hands on care required.

As the wife here appears to do the cooking too when she returns from work, I guess a fair bit of resentment has built up over the years...

[BaileyB]

Looking after the kids is not work?

 

I should have said work outside the home... nobody has to tell me that being a stay at home parent is not work. In fact, I have another dear friend who works a professional job and she tells everyone she meets that she would not be able to do it if her husband didn’t have more felixibility at home (he works as a general contractor).

 

The fact is, his kids are 12 and one is an adult. They are not requiring the same care they once did... perhaps it is incumbent on OP to realize that and plan accordingly. If he is waiting for his wife to tell him that she wants to change their arrangement, that’s a very passive thing to do. Again, how do you think your wife will respect this kind of “I can’t read her mind” attitude. Sorry to be blunt OP, but I wouldn’t respect that. I doubt that she will either.

[Wallysbears]

At this point, I'm going to guess that she sees you as a burden, not as a partner and not sexual/masculine.

 

It sounds like you are very comfortable in being a SAHD and have been for years...but you've also forgotten to realize that your NEED to be a SAHD is likely over. Your youngest is 12 and in what, junior high school?

 

You could work. Or you could be busy with charities, organizations, etc.

 

What do you do all day? Are you sitting around in sweats on the computer or watching tv?

 

I'd be willing to bet that your wife is resentful that she's out working all day and you are home. And that's why she isn't having sex with you - she doesn't find you attractive but is seeing you as someone enjoying the fruits of her labor and doing nothing to help carry the load, especially now that your kids aren't little anymore.

[S2B]

Other than sex is your wife making considerable effort to be connected to you lately?

 

Does she seem interested in starting conversations? What does she talk about with you? Does she make effort to plan time with you alone? Does she often tell you she loves you?

[Wallysbears]

Her ability to thrive in her career is greatly enhanced by having a stay-at-home parent who cares for our younger child, takes care of our home, social life, doctor's appointments—basically everything in our life not directly related to my wife's job. Now, if she doesn't quite see it that way or she wants to change that arrangement or secretly resents it or whatever, it is incumbent on her to raise that issue with me so it can be addressed.

 

I am not a mindreader and I shouldn't be expected to be one in order for my wife to respect me and have sex with me. On the other hand, I do try to anticipate her needs but it sure would be nice if she would identify those needs to me so I can meet them better than I am apparently meeting them now.

 

 

It isn't incumbent on her to raise these issues with you. Have you ever flatly asked her if she's tired of you being a stay at home parent at this juncture? When was the last time the two of you discussed the status quo?

 

It seems like you don't want your situation to change (being stay at home) but you want your wife to have sex with you more frequently. You also said earlier on that you are getting better and wearing bathrobes and real pajamas? When do you get up and dressed for the day? What do you wear on a day to day basis? Do you get up and DO stuff during the day? Like what? What is your daily routine?

 

I'm going to bet that as the President/CEO of a company your wife is up and out of the house early and doesn't get home until later in the evening.

[bathtub-row]

This has happened to a friend of mine, her husband was a stay at home father who hardly worked a day of their marriage. He could never decided “what he wanted to do” and the work he would find was generally beneath him... As the kids got older, she finally decided that she couldn’t stay in the marriage and carry his dead weight anymore... She filed for divorce and she and the kids moved into her parent she home so that she could afford to pay spousal support to her husband. He then went through the home when they sold the home and told her what furniture he wanted - furniture that she paid for because she worked and supported the family through the entire marriage.

 

Sorry, but this is a really horrible view of someone who stays home with kids. It’s exactly the attitude that some men have about their wives. To call these people dead weight is pretty harsh. Perhaps because the couple you’re referring to didn’t agree about him being home, I can see where this would cause conflict but it sounds bad.

[pepperbird]

op,

if your wife is autistic, she may also be dealing with something called "alexthymia", which is an inability to speak about one's feelings. They are often co-morbid.

 

 

 

It's not intentional, it's not stubbornness or pettiness. It's real and diagnosable, and there are "workarounds" for it. It's not that she doesn't intensely feel emotions, it;s just she can't talk about them.

 

 

 

If this is the case with your wife, she may not be doing this intentionally. My older daughter is autistic, as am I and our son. My older daughter can discuss many things verbally, but her emotions and feelings? Nope. She can write books filled with emotional content ( and she must be doing a decant job, as she sells a lot of books) but she can't verbalize them.

 

 

If this is true for your wife, you need to find another way to get her to open up. That's why I suggested the writing before. If she is autistic, I would advise you to seek out other people who are married/in a long term relationship with an autistic. It can really open your eyes.

[Timshel]

op,

if your wife is autistic, she may also be dealing with something called "alexthymia", which is an inability to speak about one's feelings. They are often co-morbid.

 

 

While seeking to assist OP is not lost, this is not appropriate. We are not in a position to diagnose. The best we are able is to refer OP to an appropriate mental health professional.

 

 

What we have been told is the stated ages of the OP and his wife. OP also reports that she refuses to have sex with him, refuses to discuss why/counseling and that OP is financially dependent on her.

 

 

 

Let's keep things above board despite the desire at so many pages to come up with a 'fixer' post.

[BaileyB]

Sorry, but this is a really horrible view of someone who stays home with kids. It’s exactly the attitude that some men have about their wives. To call these people dead weight is pretty harsh. Perhaps because the couple you’re referring to didn’t agree about him being home, I can see where this would cause conflict but it sounds bad.

 

This was the situation, with this particular marriage. My friend and her parents have accepted this man into their family but they lost respect for him over time... they are now supporting their daughter in her decision, if I can say - they were overjoyed when she decided to divorce - but it has come at great financial cost to this woman and her children (and truthfully, her parents).

 

Not saying this is my personal opinion, because it is not. I have other friends who make all kinds of arrangements - wife stays home, husband stays home... I was raised by a stay at home mother. The arrangements are all good as long as there is communication and agreement in what is best for the family. Both people are essentially sacrificing, for the good of the family - which is amazing! The problems begin when the two partners don’t agree and/or when one partner starts to build resentment for the other partner because they are left to carry the financial responsibilities for the family. I can imagine that this kind of resentment may be building here... if I was OP’s wife, I would feel resentment about the fact that my children are well on their way to adulthood, I am going to work everyday, and my husband is staying home... to do what, exactly?

 

I have a professional job and make a good salary. When I met my partner, he would joke and say that he looked forward to the day he could retire and I would work to support our family. I said - “no, you won’t.” (Baring illness or disability). I would never expect another person to be financially responsible for me, and I expect the same from my partner in return.

Edited March 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

You know - we have spent a lot of energy discussing the no sex thing.

 

But you also highlighted that she doubts the marriage... what’s that about?

 

How long has she doubted the marriage?

 

I think she must have little faith in the marriage/union long before the sex stopped.

 

What happened 18-20 months ago that caused this marriage to shrivel up and die? It must have been something that happened.

[Rotaglia]

You know - we have spent a lot of energy discussing the no sex thing.

 

But you also highlighted that she doubts the marriage... what’s that about?

 

How long has she doubted the marriage?

 

I think she must have little faith in the marriage/union long before the sex stopped.

 

What happened 18-20 months ago that caused this marriage to shrivel up and die? It must have been something that happened.

It could be an affair, I suppose. I consulted an attorney today and she said not to bother getting a private investigator. An affair will either surface at some point or it won't, and although infidelity can affect an alimony award it is not worth it under the current circumstances.

 

I don't know why my wife doubts the marriage. Maybe my previous experiences with depression/hospitalization have something to do with it, although we had always said that was not my fault, in sickness and in health, etc. But sometimes the heart says something different than the mind. Anyway, I have tried to engage her in loving conversation about that and haven't gotten away so for now I am working on myself and trying to be chill, not initiate discuss about the relationship, and let her come to me. We have a date scheduled. Let's see what happens then.

[pepperbird]

While seeking to assist OP is not lost, this is not appropriate. We are not in a position to diagnose. The best we are able is to refer OP to an appropriate mental health professional.

 

.

I am not "diagnosing" anyone.The op himself noted that he's wondered if she's autistic.

re: diagnosing...there already is one hell of a lot of it going on. his wife is being painted by many respondents as cold, uncaring, insensitive to his needs, etc. heck, people are already advising him to divorce and suggesting his wife is having an affair based only on one side of the story.

[S2B]

I am not "diagnosing" anyone.The op himself noted that he's wondered if she's autistic.

re: diagnosing...there already is one hell of a lot of it going on. his wife is being painted by many respondents as cold, uncaring, insensitive to his needs, etc. heck, people are already advising him to divorce and suggesting his wife is having an affair based only on one side of the story.

 

It could be many things - but without her giving info - the OP will never know why she is with holding sex within the marriage.

 

I would venture to say that IS cold, uncaring and insensitive! She isn’t considering that the way she participates affect her husband in a very profound way! What is nice about that?

 

Yes, anyone would leap to wondering where she is having sex - since she isn’t having sex with him. They have had sex their whole marriage - so why not now?

 

Jumping to autism? I’m shaking my head. Autism? She has had sex her whole adult life!

 

His wife is SELFISH! That’s the problem!

 

If she expects to always be selfish moving forward - then HE can decide he doesn’t prefer to stay married to someone who only thinks of herself!

[Timshel]

Agree pepperbird and with you hypothesizing she is autistic.

 

We have one person reporting what is clearly only half of a story.

 

I have posted earlier in this thread, full stop.

[Wallysbears]

It could be an affair, I suppose. I consulted an attorney today and she said not to bother getting a private investigator. An affair will either surface at some point or it won't, and although infidelity can affect an alimony award it is not worth it under the current circumstances.

 

I don't know why my wife doubts the marriage. Maybe my previous experiences with depression/hospitalization have something to do with it, although we had always said that was not my fault, in sickness and in health, etc. But sometimes the heart says something different than the mind. Anyway, I have tried to engage her in loving conversation about that and haven't gotten away so for now I am working on myself and trying to be chill, not initiate discuss about the relationship, and let her come to me. We have a date scheduled. Let's see what happens then.

 

You're ignoring posts that ask about whether you feel the need to financially contribute to your household.

 

Originally you stayed at home and were doing music...but how many years ago was that?

 

Your kids are older now. What are you doing with YOUR days?

[Rotaglia]

I see many recent responses to this thread have taken a profoundly sexist turn, which is disappointing. If similar comments were made about a SAHM, the sexism police would have slammed several of you to the proverbial pavement by now, put you in handcuffs (metaphorically speaking, of course), frisked y'all, and stuffed you in the back of the squadcar.

 

If my wife has a problem with how our marriage and work/home balance is structured and how we care for her mother with dementia and our child who is transgender, etc. it is incumbent on her to raise those issues with me. If I have to be a mindreader and guess what she wants or doesn't want, that's terribly unfair and inefficient. It is not how the world works and not how a marriage should work. Come to think of it, this applies to our “sex death” as well.

 

BTW, she very recently suggested I start a business related to music (like become an online dealer in music-related goods) and I was very receptive and have begun researching that idea. So it's not like we don't talk about my return to remunerative work.

[S2B]

You can decide what you choose for work.

 

You don’t need her approval. It’s best if it’s anything that keeps you busy and makes money.

 

 

How much effort does she make taking care of her ailing Mother?

[Rotaglia]

How much effort does she make taking care of her ailing Mother?

I physically travel to mom's location and spend days or even weeks keeping her company, taking her to doctor's appointments, helping her around her apartment, etc. My wife, meanwhile, works and makes money to make that financially possible. It's called division of labor.

 

The opposite approach would not work because my wife's moneymaking ability at this juncture vastly outstrips mine.

[S2B]

How long ago did you start caring for your mother in law?

 

 

Who cares for your child when you are away?

Edited March 27, 2019 by S2B

[Rotaglia]

How long ago did you start caring for your mother in law?

She and I have always been close. She's just a really nice lady and I have always enjoyed her company. As her illness has progressed in recent years, I have spent literally hundreds of hours with her in our home and at hers. I guess I just have a natural affinity and level of comfort with her.

Who cares for your child when you are away?

Well, she has school during the day and then my wife looks after her (unless she is able to find a babysitter or I arrange one) if I'm out of town. That wasn't easy for my wife because of her job and commute but hats off to her for that. It's a matter of teamwork.

 

Mostly though it's been my MIL coming to stay with us. When that happens, my lifestyle enables me to take the time to hang out with her. We have a great time socializing, going out for meals, to musical events and bookstores. It's great. In the evenings when my wife comes home from work, we all hang out together. It's very enjoyable. Spending time as a family is wonderful.

Edited March 27, 2019 by Rotaglia

[S2B]

Did her care become more intense the past two years?

[giotto]

She and I have always been close. She's just a really nice lady and I have always enjoyed her company. As her illness has progressed in recent years, I have spent literally hundreds of hours with her in our home and at hers. I guess I just have a natural affinity and level of comfort with her.

Well, she has school during the day and then my wife looks after her (unless she is able to find a babysitter or I arrange one) if I'm out of town. That wasn't easy for my wife because of her job and commute but hats off to her for that. It's a matter of teamwork.

 

Mostly though it's been my MIL coming to stay with us. When that happens, my lifestyle enables me to take the time to hang out with her. We have a great time socializing, going out for meals, to musical events and bookstores. It's great. In the evenings when my wife comes home from work, we all hang out together. It's very enjoyable. Spending time as a family is wonderful.

 

 

This is where one of the problems is... yes, you look after her, but your MIL is great company and you are having fun with her... socializing, going out for meals, to musical events and bookstores. Your wife, on the other hand, is working endless hours to support you and your "fun" activities... and she has to come home early from work to look after your child when you are at your MIL's house... mmm....

[pepperbird]

Op,

do whatever it is you feel you need to do ( and what feels right to you) to make your marriage work. If you are able to come together and find a way to reconnect, that's wonderful. If you can't ,at least you'll be able to walk away knowing you did your best.

 

 

IME, it just makes sense. You won't spend the rest of your life wondering " what if I had only tried x, y and z". you'll be able to move on a lot more easily, if it comes to that.

[Wallysbears]

I see many recent responses to this thread have taken a profoundly sexist turn, which is disappointing. If similar comments were made about a SAHM, the sexism police would have slammed several of you to the proverbial pavement by now, put you in handcuffs (metaphorically speaking, of course), frisked y'all, and stuffed you in the back of the squadcar.

 

If my wife has a problem with how our marriage and work/home balance is structured and how we care for her mother with dementia and our child who is transgender, etc. it is incumbent on her to raise those issues with me. If I have to be a mindreader and guess what she wants or doesn't want, that's terribly unfair and inefficient. It is not how the world works and not how a marriage should work. Come to think of it, this applies to our “sex death” as well.

 

 

FYI - I am a SAHM but I also work from home. I stayed home, strictly child caring for 2 years...then went back to a corporate 8-5 role in an office.

 

Very recently, my husband and I spoke and realized that set up wasn't working for our family as my son wasn't doing well in extended day preschool and I also moved in my older mother who has health issues. I was clocking 60 hours a week at a corporate job and having to take numerous vacation days, etc. in order to accomodate appointments, etc. as well as having my 3 year old in extended hours at school which left him tired and frequently getting sick because he was run down.

 

So I left my corporate job and now work from home during the day while my son attends regular school hours preschool. I have an office in my home and I am able to work there as well as be flexible with my time as necessary to take people to doctor appointments, etc.

 

Now, he is out of the house at preschool and I can manage to work as well as keep the house tidy, meals prepped and errands/appointments attended...and STILL financially contribute significantly.

 

That's why I asked what do you do with your days? You do the morning routine and I presume drop off at school...then maybe a few hours of errands and housework...but you have plenty of free/down time which could be used to earn money.

 

Additionally, work/life/parenting/caregiving and balancing this is a conversation my husband and I have on a regular, ongoing basis. It isn't his responsibility to tell me that he's frustrated with my working/not working. It is OUR joint responsibility to make sure that we stay on the same page. You seem to be waiting for your wife to tell you - either bluntly or subtly - what to do.

[Rotaglia]

This is where one of the problems is... yes, you look after her, but your MIL is great company and you are having fun with her... socializing, going out for meals, to musical events and bookstores. Your wife, on the other hand, is working endless hours to support you and your "fun" activities... and she has to come home early from work to look after your child when you are at your MIL's house... mmm....

You think my wife resents the time I spend with her mother? If that is so it is my wife's problem.