Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

You think my wife resents the time I spend with her mother? If that is so it is my wife's problem.

 

I think she resents the fact that you are having fun when she works hard to support the family...

[giotto]

That's why I asked what do you do with your days?

 

He said what he does with his day...

 

She and I have always been close. She's just a really nice lady and I have always enjoyed her company. As her illness has progressed in recent years, I have spent literally hundreds of hours with her in our home and at hers. I guess I just have a natural affinity and level of comfort with her.

 

 

Well, she has school during the day and then my wife looks after her (unless she is able to find a babysitter or I arrange one) if I'm out of town. That wasn't easy for my wife because of her job and commute but hats off to her for that. It's a matter of teamwork.

 

Mostly though it's been my MIL coming to stay with us. When that happens, my lifestyle enables me to take the time to hang out with her. We have a great time socializing, going out for meals, to musical events and bookstores. It's great. In the evenings when my wife comes home from work, we all hang out together. It's very enjoyable. Spending time as a family is wonderful.

[Rotaglia]

Rather than submitting a timesheet for the approval/disapproval of LoveShack folks participating in this thread, I propose that we proceed on the assumption that my wife and I are in alignment concerning how I spend my time making her job easier to do. I handle stuff at home so she doesn’t have to. Not all of the things I do with her mother are fun and many entail difficult emotional labor my wife would prefer to entrust to me.

 

I would like to focus this discussion henceforth on my relationship with my wife. I can get more effective career counseling elsewhere.

[Rotaglia]

Additionally, work/life/parenting/caregiving and balancing this is a conversation my husband and I have on a regular, ongoing basis. It isn't his responsibility to tell me that he's frustrated with my working/not working. It is OUR joint responsibility to make sure that we stay on the same page. You seem to be waiting for your wife to tell you - either bluntly or subtly - what to do.

I am much more open to discussing any and all aspects of our relationship—including division of labor and work/life balance—than my wife is. At least I am trying to reach out. She isn't. If you have a chance to read the rest of this thread (I know it is long), that should become evident to you.

[S2B]

So instead of discussing no sex with her... can you ask her to explain why she doubts the marriage? That may give you some insight.

[Rotaglia]

So instead of discussing no sex with her... can you ask her to explain why she doubts the marriage? That may give you some insight.

I'd like to do that but given her rotten behavior I am not approaching for relationship themed conversations until further notice. She has to come to me.

 

Last time the answer was, in essence, “I don't know and if you can’t handle that then let’s separate.” She has some nerve after she has mistreated me and disrespected a 21-year marriage in which I treated her like a queen and behaved in exemplary fashion with very few exceptions.

Edited March 27, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BettyDraper]

Let me see if I understand...

 

You're not happy in your marriage.

You refuse to initiate any more discussions with your wife because you're unhappy with her disrespect.

Judging by what you have shared about your wife, she doesn't seem like the kind of person to address issues directly.

You have posted this thread presumably to get help with your marital issues and vent.

You have proceeded to reject all of the advice you have been given.

 

I suppose I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve both in real life and on LS.

[BaileyB]

I'd like to do that but given her rotten behavior I am not approaching for relationship themed conversations until further notice. She has to come to me.

 

Last time the answer was, in essence, “I don't know and if you can’t handle that then let’s separate.” She has some nerve after she has mistreated me and disrespected a 21-year marriage in which I treated her like a queen and behaved in exemplary fashion with very few exceptions.

 

No partner in marriage is without fault. You may have treated her like a queen, but you sound like a petulant child at times in this discussion.

 

Rotalia, I can appreciate your frustration, as you are unhappy in your marriage and you have very little control or ability to improve the situation. However, I would suggest that claiming the moral high ground in this way will not help you to achieve your goal, if your goal is to stay married and find happiness with this woman.

 

The sad reality is that there is little you can do, if your wife refuses to communicate with you or compromise in any way. If you expect her to come to you, you are likely to find yourself waiting for a very long time... It is certainly one way to guarantee the status quo, as she seems content to do at the moment. Although, your position is more precarious than you may want to admit, as your wife appears to be holding all the cards...

Edited March 28, 2019 by BaileyB

[S2B]

I don’t think we can help you.

 

You won’t take any advice here and you won’t take any action to change the situation for yourself.

 

There’s no miracle for your situation... the only one that can change this is you - and that takes action from you.

[S2B]

No one can help you when you won’t help yourself.

[Rotaglia]

No one can help you when you won’t help yourself.

That's not the problem. Your issue is that I don't always agree with your suggestions and immediate do exactly what you tell me. Your posts are a valuable part of the discussion but they are not a rigid blueprint for how I must behave (or else).

[Rotaglia]

You're not happy in your marriage.

Not at moment, no.

You refuse to initiate any more discussions with your wife because you're unhappy with her disrespect.

I am temporarily suspending the initiation of discussions with my wife concerning our relationship because her behavior in those discussions is counterproductive. She stonewalls, cries, and gets all triggery. It is fruitless. So for now, I'm working on me. I am pleasant and supportive toward my wife. I'm available to listen. But I am not starting any discussions about our feelings about the relationship for now.

Judging by what you have shared about your wife, she doesn't seem like the kind of person to address issues directly.

Indeed not.

You have posted this thread presumably to get help with your marital issues and vent.

Yes, that is correct.

You have proceeded to reject all of the advice you have been given.

Repeating that statement over and over again does not make it any less untrue than the first time you said it.

I suppose I'm not sure what you're hoping to achieve both in real life and on LS.

Well, I'm either getting a divorce or my wife and I will find a way to repair our marriage. I intend to be prepared for either outcome.

[Rotaglia]

At the very least, my current strategy of being pleasant and supportive while not initiating any discussions of the marriage has at least allowed the two of us to get some things done (my wife is currently in a distant state caring for her very elderly grandmother), refocus on some other projects, and gain a little peace of mind.

 

I'm hoping my wife will invest in some me-time for herself before she and I can re-engage on the topic of our relationship. She definitely needs to apologize thoroughly and more importantly change her behavior in the future. As much as it kills me to say so, I am not available for sex right now even if she decided she wanted to resume that part of our relationship. She needs to regain my trust first.

[S2B]

That's not the problem. Your issue is that I don't always agree with your suggestions and immediate do exactly what you tell me. Your posts are a valuable part of the discussion but they are not a rigid blueprint for how I must behave (or else).

 

I understand that but how much is your way working for you?

 

I have continued to offer suggestions as well as all the other posters here.

 

You have knocked down every opportunity to consider change.

 

We can’t help you. You are unwilling to change any part of your life.

 

If things don’t change = they remain the same.

 

Don’t you see where you are the roadblock?

 

You can not depend on your wife to change a thing! You can’t make her change any more than we can help you to change.

[healing light]

I don't know how to say this in a nice way, but some of your responses come across as passive aggressive. I agree with the poster who said petulant child. If you have this victim-mentality in your discussions with your wife, I could see where it would be a major turn off.

 

I honestly believe your wife has lost attraction to you and is likely burnt out being the breadwinner. I think she is probably tired of feeling responsible for the majority of the income, the days of depression and pajamas have likely altered her perception of you, the weight gain may also be factor, and now you've had many chats about sex when she comes home from her exhausting days. Someone said she does the majority of the cooking--is that true? This woman is probably really drained physically and emotionally.

 

You say the sex is voluntary but in the next breath say a sexless marriage isn't an option, so it's not really voluntary. It's an expectation and I myself would hope to never experience a sexless marriage as that's one of my primary love languages. The more you talk about sex, though, the more pressured she will feel and the more she won't want to give it. If I'm right and she has already lost attraction to you, then this will come off as even more unattractive.

 

She probably doesn't want to eat her shorts in a divorce and feels guilty about the kids. But I think the attraction is gone.

 

Here's what I would do if I were you, since you clearly don't want a divorce. The AS IS situation isn't working for you. So you need to change whatever you can to alter the dynamics. Don't rely on her to tell you she's burnt out. Maybe she's tired of giving orders because she does that at work all day and wants someone who will take the initiative without being told what to do. Just change what's in your control: get a job, get a hobby, maybe alter your style or your look in a way that would please you. Think of ways you can step up that are totally unrelated to sex. If this means things that will build your confidence or lighten your wife's load, do it.

 

I'm really of the mindset that bedroom issues are symbolic of larger issues, and not necessarily just about the bedroom. This is why I believe that the career aspect is connected and other posters keep bringing it up. She probably feels she is doing too much and has three dependents instead of a partner.

 

Short of this, I really don't think you have many options. You can't control her, she doesn't want to go to therapy, she doesn't want to have sex or talk about why. So you can either accept it and get divorced or use some of this time to switch up what you are doing. Maybe it will make you more interesting to her. And if not to her, it might prepare you well for the next partner if it comes to that.

Edited March 28, 2019 by healing light

[BaileyB]

:)She definitely needs to apologize thoroughly and more importantly change her behavior in the future. As much as it kills me to say so, I am not available for sex right now even if she decided she wanted to resume that part of our relationship. She needs to regain my trust first.

 

You are not available for sex right now even if she wanted to have sex? Well lucky for you, she has been quite clear that she is not interested...

 

Seriously, this kind of attitude is going to get you divorced. The day that my partner assumes the role of my parent and tells me that I must apologize and change my behaviour is the day that he finds himself single...

 

As I said previously, be careful when you climb onto that high horse, because the fall is going to be pretty steep.

[Rotaglia]

We can’t help you. You are unwilling to change any part of your life.

You are helping me. I am not only willing to change my life, I have already changed it and change is ongoing. Perhaps if you spent a little less time knocking me personally and and a little more time reading my responses carefully, you would realize that.

[Rotaglia]

I don't know how to say this in a nice way, but some of your responses come across as passive aggressive.

Gee, I wonder why?

 

This woman is probably really drained physically and emotionally.

I have more than once raised the fact that she needs more me-time to recharge but she has not followed up so I guess I will simply have to take off with our daughter for a weekend afternoon more often. That way she does not have to "do" anything to get that downtime.

 

You say the sex is voluntary but in the next breath say a sexless marriage isn't an option, so it's not really voluntary.

That is the paradox of sex in a relationship. Consent is absolutely required and nobody in a relationship owes sex to the other. On the other hand, if there is never any sex at all (as is the case here), it's not going to be a fulfilling relationship for me (and probably not for her either) in the long run.

 

I guess what I would say is that sex is the byproduct of a well-functioning relationship and when it is absent its a sign of trouble.

[Rotaglia]

No partner in marriage is without fault. You may have treated her like a queen, but you sound like a petulant child at times in this discussion.

 

Rotalia, I can appreciate your frustration, as you are unhappy in your marriage and you have very little control or ability to improve the situation. However, I would suggest that claiming the moral high ground in this way will not help you to achieve your goal, if your goal is to stay married and find happiness with this woman.

 

The sad reality is that there is little you can do, if your wife refuses to communicate with you or compromise in any way. If you expect her to come to you, you are likely to find yourself waiting for a very long time... It is certainly one way to guarantee the status quo, as she seems content to do at the moment. Although, your position is more precarious than you may want to admit, as your wife appears to be holding all the cards...

This strategy is temporary. I'm giving my wife a little space while she goes to see her very elderly grandmother who may be dying. Obviously we need to talk at some point but my attempts to initiate conversations about the relationship/marriage have not borne fruit; instead, they have resulting in her stonewalling, crying, or protesting that she "lacks the bandwidth" to deal with it even when I have endeavored to be calm, kind, and rational about it. Which one of us is the “petulant child” in reality?

[Wallysbears]

 

I honestly believe your wife has lost attraction to you and is likely burnt out being the breadwinner. I think she is probably tired of feeling responsible for the majority of the income, the days of depression and pajamas have likely altered her perception of you, the weight gain may also be factor, and now you've had many chats about sex when she comes home from her exhausting days. Someone said she does the majority of the cooking--is that true? This woman is probably really drained physically and emotionally.

 

 

She probably doesn't want to eat her shorts in a divorce and feels guilty about the kids. But I think the attraction is gone.

 

 

I'm beginning to wonder if the angle of NOT wanting to get gainful employment is so that you can get full spousal support in a divorce.

 

You seem really object to working at any sort of true incoming producing job. And very adamant in defending your lifestyle as a stay at home Dad to a teenager and caregiver to your friendly mother in law. And yet, as a stay at home Dad, your wife is still doing the majority of the cooking?

 

Are you sure your wife sees you as a true stay at home partner? Or is she carrying your weight because of your past issues with depression, long unemployment, etc.

 

You don't seem willing to investigate that as being one of the driving reasons or factors that your sex life and marriage is crumbling. Why is that? Why won't you even consider that your persistent lack of employment may be tearing your marriage apart?

[Rotaglia]

I'm beginning to wonder if the angle of NOT wanting to get gainful employment is so that you can get full spousal support in a divorce.

The thought never occurred to me.

 

You seem really object to working at any sort of true incoming producing job.

Incorrect.

 

your wife is still doing the majority of the cooking?

No. Generally I cook for our daughter (she eats before my wife gets home) and my wife prefers to cook for the two of us but I do that now and then.

 

Why won't you even consider that your persistent lack of employment may be tearing your marriage apart?

If my wife sees that as a marriage issue, we should discuss it. Unfortunately, she has not been open to a discussion thus far. Hopefully we will have a chance to address that soon.

[BaileyB]

The thought never occurred to me.

 

Really? Because that’s certainly how it appears...

 

 

Incorrect.

 

Does that mean that you will be working on a resume or taking steps to start your own business?

 

 

Honestly, I think you are well intended with your marriage, but you exhaust me. You lack insight and you dispute any comments that attempt to highlight the ways that you have contributed to the problems in your marriage. And then you twist things, pointing out all the things you think your wife is doing wrong, placing the blame firmly at her feet, and then making demands on what she needs to do to improve. It’s very passive aggressive and completely exhausting.

 

I would LOVE to have a conversation with your wife, to see how she is really feeling about her marriage. I have a feeling that she would tell a very different story than you do. And, if she feels as exhausted by you as I feel reading this discussion, she is DONE.

 

I do wish you well.

Edited March 28, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

Does that mean that you will be working on a resume or taking steps to start your own business?

Sure does.

And then you twist things, pointing out all the things you think your wife is doing wrong, placing the blame firmly at her feet, and then making demands on what she needs to do to improve. It’s very passive aggressive and completely exhausting.

I don't think you understand the definition of passive aggression very well. You seem to resist the idea that my wife is accountable to me for her actions. That's unfortunate because a marriage needs to be equal and without accountability it is inherently unequal.

 

I would LOVE to have a conversation with your wife, to see how she is really feeling about her marriage. I have a feeling that she would tell a very different story than you do.

I would love to have a conversation with my wife too, but my attempts have met with failure because of how she has reacted to those attempts at conversation. And yet you try to make that my fault, which is utterly bizarre.

[Rotaglia]

Okay, so how about this?

 

Maybe I can approach my wife for a gentle, kind, thoughtful, loving conversation about what the real issues are in our relationship and I would really focus on drawing out and airing her views. I would try not to respond to her in the moment unless she specifically asks for a response. Maybe I could cook a nice meal beforehand, open a bottle of wine, give her a foot massage (humorously enough, sometimes when I do that to her it turns me on. Is that weird?).

 

Maybe i should work harder at trying to anticipate her needs and respond to them instead of waiting for her to identify them.

[bathtub-row]

Seriously, this kind of attitude is going to get you divorced. The day that my partner assumes the role of my parent and tells me that I must apologize and change my behaviour is the day that he finds himself single...

 

What?? If you’ve offended your partner, shut him out for a very long time without an explanation but then decided to turn it all around - again, without explanation, you’d find that completely acceptable and would find him divorce-worthy if he insisted on an apology? Wow.