Author Rotaglia Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 (edited) OP, why haven't you taken any steps toward finding employment?What makes you think I haven't? You write a lot of flowery words about adoring your wife so much that you don't care about sex but I think you know that isn't true. It seems like you are desperate to cling to your marriage and your wife, so you are trying to convince yourself that you can tolerate anything. Slavish devotion to a woman who is far less effusive will not make her want to have sex with you. In fact, it could become a turn off.Evidently you have not read my posts closely or carefully; if you had, you would have understood that although my wife is more important to me than sex, that does not mean sex is not important and vital for our relationship. I am realistic, however, that a return to sexual activity will almost certainly not be precipitous. It will entail some serious, cautious, painstaking work. I also love my wife unconditionally. That doesn't mean I'm a fool. It means I have a plan and a vision for love to ultimately triumph. I believe in us. If it turns out she had an affair, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. If by granting my wife unconditional love our relationship ultimately falls apart and we go our separate ways, so be it. Just now she and I shared the most exquisite and delicious kiss. I really savored it. I liked how it made me feel. Edited April 6, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 opm please disabuse yourself of the idea that almost every adult is interested in sex. That is a myth. Some are confirmed asexuals, some are just not interested at this point in their life due to medical issues, stress whatever. For them, sex isn't even a blip on the radar. It doesn't mean it never will be. Your wife may well decide she is interested again, but she may not. One thing is clear from your words...she doesn't seem to view sex as a "love language", at least not right now. What love language does she use with you, and what does she reciprocate to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 opm please disabuse yourself of the idea that almost every adult is interested in sex. That is a myth.I never said that; hence no disabuse is necessary. I think interest in sex lies on a continuum for most people and where that falls varies throughout one's lifetime. My wife and I had plenty of sex for the first ten or fifteen years of our relationship and it only started to dwindle about three or four years ago before tapering off completely. Some are confirmed asexuals, some are just not interested at this point in their life due to medical issues, stress whatever. For them, sex isn't even a blip on the radar. It doesn't mean it never will be.This is most likely true. What love language does she use with you, and what does she reciprocate to?She’ll say “I love you.” She’ll hug and kiss me. Sometimes we’ll even share what might be called “sexy” kisses or “erotic” kisses, but there’s also sometimes an unmistakable hesitancy, as if they are less like boyfriend/spouse kisses are more like brother/sister kisses, a distance that didn’t used to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 She’ll say “I love you.” She’ll hug and kiss me. Sometimes we’ll even share what might be called “sexy” kisses or “erotic” kisses, but there’s also sometimes an unmistakable hesitancy, as if they are less like boyfriend/spouse kisses are more like brother/sister kisses, a distance that didn’t used to be there. She has to be careful, lest you get the wrong idea and think that an intimate kiss could lead to sex... something she is clearly not interested in right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 She has to be careful, lest you get the wrong idea and think that an intimate kiss could lead to sex... something she is clearly not interested in right now. So should I just tell her pre-emptively, “Don’t worry, honey—I will attempt no unauthorized boot-knocking until further notice”? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 So should I just tell her pre-emptively, “Don’t worry, honey—I will attempt no unauthorized boot-knocking until further notice”? This is a conversation you have to have with your wife Rotaglia, as well meaning and insightful as ls posters are...the end of the day, you have to talk to your wife. I know, she won't answer. Where does that leave you, or us for that matter? You have been married to this woman for 23 some years but come here and ask us to know her? We can't, you have to do this; I will say this, if you don't know her by now, maybe you never will. Muster some courage. I honestly am trying to imagine a situation that I would stone cold shut out my husband, being directly questioned under any circumstance and responding 'no, I can't, go find it somewhere else,' runs of in a huff, seriously? Something is just way off with the whole scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 This one to one "talking" is what Rotaglia is avoiding. She may be reticent and unwilling to say much, BUT, he knows he cannot push his wife to discuss this, as he is scared she turns round and seriously suggests a divorce. Then it is all over bar the shouting... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 I don't blame him, it is all very scary. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Ok...status quo it is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Why are you afraid of your wife? I don't think he is afraid of his wife per se, but I guess he is afraid of her ability to blow up his world, if she was of a mind to do that. He is in the classic SAH dilemma. Stay in a marriage that isn't working or take a huge leap into the dark. Long term SAH people do not have the advantage that those in F/T or P/T employment have. They are often socially isolated, they cannot just pick up a job via contacts, their qualifications are out of date and they are out of their depth in a world that has moved on since last they worked. They often also have a very comfortable existence at home, especially once the children are older and their routines are more organised, they come and go as they please and they do not have to answer to a boss. Swapping all that for a world of uncertainty may be a step too far, no matter how bad the marriage itself gets. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Hence... she has all his power. Especially since he views her as a Princess/Queen that he bows to. She apparently holds the cards and unless he gets to the stage where he doesn't care if he lives in a shoe box after the divorce, then he is, I guess, going to stay put. All very well for us to say "break free", "just do it" and "hang the consequences", but it is not us that is going to have to live in a mall apartment with little money. As no doubt his wife will be paying for his kid's well being and education they may take her side in all of this... Stranger things have happened. Yes, he may go ahead and meet some wonderful woman who will give him all the sex he wants and want to support him too, but then again he may not... He needs to weigh up all that carefully and if he chooses to stay, then who are we to say he is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Yes, he may go ahead and meet some wonderful woman who will give him all the sex he wants and want to support him too, but then again he may not... He needs to weigh up all that carefully and if he chooses to stay, then who are we to say he is wrong. Agree. It’s definitely a risk. Sex is one thing, it would be great to have it, but... you have weigh that against being with your kids full time, sharing a comfortable and amiable relationship with your wife, having someone to sharing life’s burdens with, and living with financial security and comfort. Not an easy decision to make at all... which may well be why his wife seems to have the same sense of inertia as OP. Staying with what you know and what is comfortable is sometimes better than the alternative... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 (edited) I honestly am trying to imagine a situation that I would stone cold shut out my husband, being directly questioned under any circumstance and responding 'no, I can't, go find it somewhere else,' runs of in a huff, seriously? Something is just way off with the whole scenario. Indeed, it is strange. I figure that now that her grandmother's funeral has taken place if I give it a week or two she may finally say something. You see, at least with me no longer pressing her on the status the relationship, we have achieved a kind of temporary homeostasis. I hope that as the stress level goes down and if I wait patiently, she may finally share. If not, I guess I will have to bring it up. Ultimately, I am less afraid of divorce than I am of remaining in an unsatisfying relationship with somebody even if I do love that person. It is not even mostly about sex; I want to feel loved, cherished, like this person's soulmate and I really haven't felt that way for the last eighteen months. A soulmate wouldn't treat me this way and wouldn't leave me in the dark. There is something essential missing. Could she have had or is currently having an affair? It's one of the few things I can think of that would explain her bizarre behavior, the others being depression, lesbianism/bisexuality, or menopausal psychosis. But those are all speculative. I need to hear it from the horse’s mouth. There is another, truly horrifying worst-case scenario: What if she was a victim of sexual assault a year and a half ago and that's why she stopped having sex with me and went silent out of shame? Edited April 7, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Menopausal psychosis??? "...in general, four main symptoms are associated with a psychotic episode: hallucinations delusions confused and disturbed thoughts lack of insight and self-awareness" Really? I thought she just stopped having sex with you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 (edited) Menopausal psychosis??? "...in general, four main symptoms are associated with a psychotic episode: hallucinations delusions confused and disturbed thoughts lack of insight and self-awareness" Really? I thought she just stopped having sex with you...It seems to me you are giving your opinion either without paying full attention or while forgetting other things going on that I have mentioned. She has stated she is ambivalent about the marriage; she has talked of possible separation; she has engaged in other distancing behaviors. Since I'm stuck speculating (because she won't talk to me), it is not at all unreasonable that I would put forth menopausal psychosis as a possible issue. Confusion and lack of insight and self-awareness are certainly present here. Edited April 7, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 It seems to me you are giving your opinion either without paying full attention or while forgetting other things going on that I have mentioned. She has stated she is ambivalent about the marriage; she has talked of possible separation; she has engaged in other distancing behaviors. Since I'm struck speculating (because she won't talk to me), it is not at all unreasonable that I would put forth menopausal psychosis as a possible issue. Confusion and lack of insight and self-awareness are certainly present here. Psychosis is a specific set of severe psychiatric symptoms. Your wife is NOT psychotic... nothing you have said here suggests she is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 well, after the OP gets a job, he will be able to leave the marriage if he doesn't accept the sexless marriage. It's always a shame - I'm going through this - but if sex and connection with a woman who loves you is important, staying celibate for the rest of your life at 49 is pretty harsh. You could have an open marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 You could have an open marriage? Is he willing to let his wife sleep with other guys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 7, 2019 Share Posted April 7, 2019 Is he willing to let his wife sleep with other guys? Well, she doesn't seem to be very keen on sex... but it could be just with him... it's probably better that divorce... he gets sex, he gets to stay with his wife and he maintains his life style... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 (edited) Psychosis is a specific set of severe psychiatric symptoms. Your wife is NOT psychotic... nothing you have said here suggests she is.I don't actually think she's psychotic either. I admit I am grasping at straws. Speculation gets wilder when one is starved for information. Open Marriage I really don't think that would work for her or for me. Yes, it would enable me to have sex, but I want to have sex with my wife, not with some other lady. She's the one I'm in love with and to whom I have pledged my life and my soul. What really bugs me in this situation is I could probably survive without sexual intercourse if other sexual modalities were available and also perhaps if my wife and I were in sync sexually. May I admit something a little weird? The idea of my wife having sex with some other guy (or gal) is rather a turn-on, but it would have be with my assent. I don't think I'm terribly unusual in that respect. If I got to watch that would be even hotter. However, I can't see raising this topic with my wife right now. The sexlessness of our marriage is not merely the absence of one particular act; it's a complete lack of sexual sharing on any level, including the spiritual/emotional side. If I could get the latter back somehow, it would make the former much more bearable in the long term. Ultimately it's an issue of emotional intimacy. Yes, it is possible she craves sex but I simply don't turn her on anymore. That's a bummer but it does not have to be the end of the world. Perhaps with effort she could recover that longing for me. OTOH, I *know* she loves me. I can *feel* it. And I love her. But there is some sort of blockage and I just can't figure out what it is. Having Sex vs. Making Love At the risk of repeating myself: I believe that even when a couple cannot have sex, they can make love every day. And if they do make love every day, sex perhaps can follow eventually. Edited April 7, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 The thing is ... we still smile at each other, we kiss and hug, we laugh. There is real affection here. If we could just resolve a few things, I feel like this marriage could move forward in a positive way. Why am I always the one to initiate discussions about the relationship? Doesn't she want to improve things too? She can't possibly want me to be in a sexless relationship, could she? She knows the suffering that would entail. And it's not like she has no sexuality at all. What we have is an incompatibility ... but I have to believe it is temporary if we are both willing to think a bit creatively and work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 7, 2019 Author Share Posted April 7, 2019 Perhaps she and I could agree to attempt sex again. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 Perhaps she and I could agree to attempt sex again. ZOMG, here we go again. You have emotional ADD. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 8, 2019 Author Share Posted April 8, 2019 ZOMG, here we go again. You have emotional ADD.Sorry, what did you say? I wasn’t paying attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 8, 2019 Author Share Posted April 8, 2019 (edited) Sounds more like symptoms from a spouse who’s cheating.They certainly could be, yes—but the available evidence of an affair could also be explained by other factors. The value of uncovering a potential affair is limited: It could lead to an end to the affair and a rapprochement between my wife and me but it also could accelerate progress toward divorce. It could help protect me against a sexually transmitted disease or maybe allow me to win a larger alimony award. Edited April 8, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts