Wallysbears Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 (edited) @S2B.... His wife is an executive, she will hire a housekeeper and get groceries delivered. Edited April 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I agree. It's her mother. Let her figure it out. That doesn't mean you don't help when you can, but she should be the one to fill in the gaps left by you taking a job, not you. Let her shoulder some responsibility for her own mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Tron5 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 @bathtub-row If indeed it is an affair, she may as well confess it already. I would be upset of course but at least we would know where we are and we could figure out in a clearheaded way where we want to go from here. It would have a clarifying effect on the situation (not that I want that kind of clarity, of course). Why should she confess? You remain at home taking care of everything (including housework, cooking, children, laundry etc.) AND her mother, all the while pining for sex with her while she gives you the cold shoulder and stonewalls. It's a great deal for her, especially if she has got another man on the side taking care of her physical needs. Good on you for the new job! So all that stops now. If you are determined to stick this out for some time longer, then it is time to completely reshuffle everyday responsibilities to something more equitable. Priority #1 - your MIL should now be your W's responsibility alone! Make that clear to your W. No waffling. Priority #2 - The other responsibilities around the house. You decide what parts of the 50/50 arrangement you want to do and then give her the rest. I wouldn't even negotiate. She did not negotiate the sex in the marriage, so...what is good for the goose is good for the gander. One discussion from you about the division of labor going forward AND your done! She won't like it, but you know what, that shouldn't matter to you AT ALL. Shut down any attempts to convince you otherwise, precisely the way she has shut down your sex life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 You really need to download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" if you haven't. It's short and will probably help you a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I agree. It's her mother. Let her figure it out. Not sure how all of this is going to work. She will get even more annoyed with him. I don't think she ever said she wanted him to get a job? By having to shoulder even more responsibilities, the gap will widen, not shrink. She has lost all her attraction to him. The OP "getting a job" won't change anything. In fact, it will make the situation worse for her. So, now she will have to do a lot more on top of everything and all of a sudden she is going to jump into bed with him? Getting a job is good only for 1 thing: saving money for when the divorce happens... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 The OP "getting a job" won't change anything. In fact, it will make the situation worse for her. So, now she will have to do a lot more on top of everything and all of a sudden she is going to jump into bed with him?... I agree. She is the CEO of a company, she cannot just drop everything to go look after her mother and her child, and I doubt the OP's new job will pay enough to make him the main bread winner. She may now need to pay for extra help... She was already doing the cooking anyway... He has just made things a whole lot worse I guess by getting a full time job. If she was tired and stressed and menopausal before, she will be even more so now with this new regime... Great for the OP to gain some independence and to make money to save for a divorce, but as he has stipulated he is going nowhere and wants to patch things up, maybe this wasn't the best move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 18, 2019 Author Share Posted April 18, 2019 @Elaine567, we have always shared the cooking. As far as my vow to remain despite no sex that is not an eternal promise, esp. since she has cut off further discussion of the relationship. The ground is shifting under her feet. I owe her no explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I owe her no explanation. So, you haven't talked to her again? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 I have been responsible for the care of three elderly people in the past who all lived between 150 and 250 miles away. Fortunately they all had some savings and I use that savings to set up home care for the ones that it works for. it is still a huge responsibility because people don't show up to work so you have to hire a home care team that takes care of that themselves rather than micromanaging it. It's a lot of expense, and I was lucky that the people had some money. it can involve selling their home if they don't have enough money. This should now be his wife's responsibility. She's going to hire people to help out. Even if her mom doesn't have money she does. It's for her to figure out now. The best case scenario is this wakes her up. but in any of their her husband is taking steps that will ensure that if he needs to divorce her he will be all right. I have been on here numerous times advising women who need to get out of her marriage or have a one-sided marriage I should get a job and become more independent. It is never a bad thing no matter what the circumstance. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 18, 2019 Share Posted April 18, 2019 (edited) There are so many assumptions...that Rotaglia will leave for his quickly acquired job on Monday morning, that his wife is a CEO.... I think that acquiring an income for yourself, OP, is important regardless of preparation for divorce. You need to get out in the world and have your own purse after all these years. Stay at home parenting can blur perception and cause any person to have a limited view of themselves. The big question that has remained since original post is why OP's wife will not have sex with him. At this point it may be safe to assume that she will never answer that question. Rotaglia, you won't win your wife's desire by playing games. I would suggest that you simply tell her that either she will have an honest discussion as to why she refuses sex with you and tells you to have sex with others or an amicable divorce is in order. If she refuses the conversation, file for divorce. Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) There are so many assumptions...that Rotaglia will leave for his quickly acquired job on Monday morning, that his wife is a CEO....Those are facts, not assumptions. Rotaglia, you won't win your wife's desire by playing games. I would suggest that you simply tell her that either she will have an honest discussion as to why she refuses sex with you and tells you to have sex with others or an amicable divorce is in order. If she refuses the conversation, file for divorce.Been there, done that. She has repeatedly stonewalled, cried, declared that she "doesn't know," but mostly remained silent when she should have spoken up. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that although we aren't arguing (because we aren't talking substantively about the relationship), I am still in this marriage but under protest at its current state (complete lack of emotional and physical intimacy, no vulnerability for her, no real communication) and we are at risk for divorce if the situation persists. We have an anniversary coming up. Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) Well aware Rotaglia, as I have read nearly every post in this thread. Your wife has told you what she wants but you refuse to believe her. As sympathetic as I may be for you, I am also offended for your wife's sake that you DO.NOT.BELIEVE.HER. and continue to pontificate on all the different ways you will 'some day' change her mind to giving you a bj or hand job or anything really that she has told you to FIND.SOMEWHERE.ELSE. So hope it out, nothing wrong with that but it's extra. You are coming off like a frying pan type of guy. Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tron5 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I am still in this marriage but under protest at its current state (complete lack of emotional and physical intimacy, no vulnerability for her, no real communication) and we are at risk for divorce if the situation persists. We have an anniversary coming up. I would express your opinion on the current state of the marriage one more time soon... and then ignore the anniversary. Leave her at home with the kids and treat yourself to dinner and a show. Hell, to drive home the point, you might even consider telling her on your anniversary night as you are walking out the door to move all her crap out of the master BR. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) Those are facts, not assumptions. Been there, done that. She has repeatedly stonewalled, cried, declared that she "doesn't know," but mostly remained silent when she should have spoken up. I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her that although we aren't arguing (because we aren't talking substantively about the relationship), I am still in this marriage but under protest at its current state (complete lack of emotional and physical intimacy, no vulnerability for her, no real communication) and we are at risk for divorce if the situation persists. We have an anniversary coming up. It's great that you have a job. What kind of work will you be doing? It will be much easier to focus on yourself when you are no longer at home and financially dependent on your wife. Earning an income may even increase her level of respect for you. Hopefully, your wife will become more appreciative of you when she realizes that you can no longer focus all of your attention on your MIL and household chores. Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 @BettyDraper Thanks! It's an information technology/project management sort of job with some technical writing thrown in. Seems like a good fit for me and I like my new colleagues a lot. I've always wanted to do something like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I'm chiming in to say good on you for getting this job! Well done. Do all you can to put your best foot forward with it, which means some of your home responsibilities will have to shift to someone else...and I agree with other posters here who say it should be your wife (at least in the short run) so she can gain appreciation for all the support you've provided throughout the years that enabled her rise to success. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 Congrats!!!! I think this is your first step on getting the life you want. Your happiness is up to you Keep going forward. Nice start 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 So today is Friday in the United States, 4/19/2019 and Monday is 4/22/2019. It's Good Friday, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 I start my new job on Monday for 37.5 hours a week. The salary is very good. I'm still trying to figure out how I will handle my mother-in-law's care with the new schedule plus my musical commitments and miscellaneous responsibilities around my own home, but I will manage. I'm going to be quite busy! Tuesday, the 16th of April is the day you made this post. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 19, 2019 Share Posted April 19, 2019 So, what did your wife have to say about your new job? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 (edited) “Congratulations, honey.” Edited April 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 19, 2019 Author Share Posted April 19, 2019 @bathtub-row She said, “Congratulations, honey.” @S2B Not to worry. Number one, I am still hoping to restore our marriage. Number two, even if I we do divorce I know better than to get involved with someone in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. They call them rebound relationships and they are fraught with peril (and not fair to the non-rebound partner). Yes, I miss sex. That much is clear. But I am not so foolish as to trade my current set of headaches for a new one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 20, 2019 Author Share Posted April 20, 2019 A Zissen Pesach and a solemn Good Friday to all! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted April 20, 2019 Share Posted April 20, 2019 “Congratulations, honey.” No surprise? No questions about what prompted you to get a job? How things will be handled since you won’t be so available? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted April 20, 2019 Author Share Posted April 20, 2019 No surprise? No questions about what prompted you to get a job? How things will be handled since you won’t be so available?Not really. I told her I was looking. She seems genuinely happy about it and so am I. Link to post Share on other sites
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