Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

No surprise?

 

 

No, because she knows why he is doing it...

[Rotaglia]

I do caution you... as a sex starved man be careful of getting close to your female co workers. If you even consider cheating with one - you should divorce first.

Good advice. I will give my marriage the attention it deserves as that's the only romantic attachment that interests me right now—flawed and fraught though it is.

 

If we were to split up, I will try to heed the advice I have been given and refrain from seeking “rebound” relationships.

[Rotaglia]

I think one major reason why we haven't talked about the role of sex in our relationship going forward is that she's afraid I will file for divorce if she says that we're never going to have sex again ... and I am likewise afraid that she will say that but I will choose to stay in spite of it.

[BaileyB]

I think one major reason why we haven't talked about the role of sex in our relationship going forward is that she's afraid I will file for divorce if she says that we're never going to have sex again ... and I am likewise afraid that she will say that but I will choose to stay in spite of it.

 

I don’t think she is afraid that you will file for divorce. I think she did that cost/benefit analysis and made the decision that that consequence would be acceptable when she chose to stop having sex with you.

 

Her actions are not those of a woman who is concerned about keeping her marriage.

 

She may be surprised if you actually file for divorce. She is likely banking on the fact that you will not file. Your actions thus far have demonstrated to her that you are willing to stay, regardless of whether she does/does not have sex with you. This actually happened to my aunt - I think she assumed my uncle would accept the situation and she would keep her marriage despite the fact that he was unhappy with the fact that they had a sexless marriage. She was very wrong.

[preraph]

Hope your new job suits you, Rotaglia and maybe sparks some sort of change in your marriage and gets you both off this kind of stalemate one way or the other.

[Marc878]

When a woman says no more sex. She's done. I doubt she cares whether you file.

 

She may even welcome it.

 

When a womans done they usually from what I've seen rarley come back.

 

You're still in denial of what's going on.

[BaileyB]

Hope your new job suits you, Rotaglia and maybe sparks some sort of change in your marriage and gets you both off this kind of stalemate one way or the other.

 

Agreed. I see no downside.

[5x5]

I think one major reason why we haven't talked about the role of sex in our relationship going forward is that she's afraid I will file for divorce if she says that we're never going to have sex again ... and I am likewise afraid that she will say that but I will choose to stay in spite of it.

Your wife has talked to you (evidently to no purpose re: this whole thread). She has already told you, she no longer wants to ever have sex with you. For circa two years of no sex, she has proven her word which makes it starkly evident that, your wife is fine with you divorcing her.

 

While you claim you will divorce her if she says what she has already told you. Yet here you are, issuing more empty rhetoric while not divorcing her. Can you not see the chasm between you both? Through you being a man, who doesn't keep his word to divorce your wife. While your wife is a woman, who keeps her word and won't have sex with you.

Edited April 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing

[giotto]

Which makes it starkly evident that, your wife is fine with you divorcing her.

 

As others have said, I don't think she is that fine with him divorcing her. He hasn't protested for many months, so she assumed he was fine with it. But obviously she is enjoying her sexless marriage, for whatever reason, so much that she is prepared to take the risk. The OP hasn't shown her that he is prepared to file. I've done that myself. I'm in the same situation. My wife took sex off the table too - pushing our marriage to the limit - thinking I would never file. But she was wrong. I told her it's finished. But, in reality, she not really concerned about me, but to be seen as the "baddy" from the other family members... unfortunately for her, this is exactly what's happening...

[Rotaglia]

But, in reality, she not really concerned about me, but to be seen as the "baddy" from the other family members... unfortunately for her, this is exactly what's happening...

If my wife's reputation suffers in a divorce from me, it will *not* be because of anything I might say to our shared friends and family. I have zero interest in sullying my possible-ex's reputation. That is not my way. Edited April 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

If my wife's reputation suffers in a divorce from me, it will *not* be because of anything I might say to our shared friends and family. I have zero interest in sullying my possible-ex's reputation. That is not my way.

 

I told my daughter the exact situation. She was rather taken aback. She knew something was up, but she didn't know the extent. I haven't said anything bad about my wife. Just stated the facts - or my view. It's up to them to draw the conclusions. My wife won't talk to my kids about it, but I'm sure she senses they are not happy about her stance. She is also angry it's all come out and that my children won't go on holiday like a "happy family", which is what she was trying to organise...

 

I will never say anything bad about my wife. It's her decision and I respect it. I'm not happy, but it takes two to tango.

[Rotaglia]

Said every person BEFORE a divorce was underway.

 

When reality sets in and someone is literally trying to cut you off from half of what you have accumulated in a long term marriage... let’s see if you only have great things to say about her.

I'm a realist. I know that divorces involve strong emotions, pain, and acrimony in the best of circumstances. Although I can't promise never to say bad things about my perhaps-departing wife, I will honestly *try* to be the adult and the bigger person in that situation.

[elaine567]

... my perhaps-departing wife...

 

Has she told you she is leaving?

[Rotaglia]

Has she told you she is leaving?

No, she has not.

[Rotaglia]

Who is ha doing the homelife stuff while you are working now?

I’d love to know, LOL. Our daughter is twelve and does a lot of afternoon activities. This week was my first week working outside the home full time in many years and I am pretty beat but quite happy. I play catch-up in the evenings. My wife does not seem thrilled that I am not so available. She has to pick up her own drycleaning now.

[Marc878]

Nice work. Keep it up.

 

How’s the job going?

 

You’ll be back in the swing of things in no time

[BaileyB]

I’d love to know, LOL. Our daughter is twelve and does a lot of afternoon activities. My wife does not seem thrilled that I am not so available. She has to pick up her own drycleaning now.

 

How does this work exactly - that a stay at home spouse announces that he is going back to work after years of being at home, the wife says “okay honey, sounds good,” and then when asked who is doing the home stuff, you respond “Lol. I would love to know...”

 

Do you two talk, about anything? I mean, to make a major life decision that changes the division of labour from both spouses unilaterally, and then say “Gosh, I don’t know who is going to take our daughter to all her afternoon activities... Lol.” Who does that?

[Rotaglia]

Do you two talk, about anything?

Sure we do. I was kidding. It's only the first week. Everything is being worked out logistically. It will work.

 

She hasn't said anything about sex or our relationship recently and neither have I. I'd rather work on the marriage but it's pretty clear she doesn't give a damn so ... she must expect that I'll eventually get fed up and ask for a separation. It's not very decent of her. She really ought to tell me what she wants or doesn't want, but she prefers to address things in passive mode or else she just cries, stonewalls, and says she "doesn’t know." So she can stuff it.

 

She will be very surprised when she meets with her lawyer and learns how costly neglecting her husband and treating him like garbage will turn out to be. Bye-bye, nice house! Bye-bye, vacations! Hello, two crummy two-bedroom apartments! Hello, spousal support, child support, lawyer fees, alimony, and assets split down the middle! Hello, splitting time with our twelve-year-old! Hope it was worth it, sweetheart!! I hope you have lots of sex with your second husband ... until you get tired of him, that is.

[giotto]

She will be very surprised when she meets with her lawyer and learns how costly neglecting her husband and treating him like garbage will turn out to be. Bye-bye, nice house! Bye-bye, vacations! Hello, two crummy two-bedroom apartments! Hello, spousal support, child support, lawyer fees, alimony, and assets split down the middle! Hello, splitting time with our twelve-year-old! Hope it was worth it, sweetheart!! I hope you have lots of sex with your second husband ... until you get tired of him, that is.

 

 

You don't sound bitter at all... understandable. I feel the same about my marriage. Actually, it's turned into disappointment now.

[Rotaglia]

You don't sound bitter at all... understandable. I feel the same about my marriage. Actually, it's turned into disappointment now.

It is indeed disappointing. I admit that I waver in my resolve. Sometimes I feel like that's it, I'm done ... and sometimes I really want to work on the marriage with my wife and move forward together.

 

At the moment I am more hopeful. She seems to want to reconnect more emotionally. I'm still very powerfully attracted to her. Time will tell.

[giotto]

At the moment I am more hopeful. She seems to want to reconnect more emotionally. I'm still very powerfully attracted to her. Time will tell.

 

Good luck... but it looks very bleak to me...

[giotto]

It looks bleak because one person working on the marriage doesnt make it great.

 

No, it doesn't... but the OP seems blind to this...

 

Since she is unwilling to change she has given you two choices.

 

Live with it this way

Leave if you don’t like it

 

No, she's given him a third choice: have sex somewhere else...

[elaine567]

No, she's given him a third choice: have sex somewhere else...

 

Ok, but it seems to me that that is rarely a genuine offer as some men (and women) have found out to their cost when they take such "offers" seriously.

 

True "permission", needs rational discussion and rules set down with each being happy with the arrangement. It needs maturity, communication and transparency and an ability to keep jealousy in check.

A throwaway remark said in frustration and anger is not "permission".

[giotto]

A throwaway remark said in frustration and anger is not "permission".

 

 

I got the same from my wife... I rejected it, because I knew she didn't mean it. I wonder whether the OP's wife would really give him such a permission? Maybe?

 

Personally, I couldn't do it if still married to my wife. I would need at least separation.

[pepperbird]

 

Kinda crappy from her. Majorly selfish... not one bit loving behavior.

 

 

The OP has been quite vocal in description of his marriage. However, if we were to hear from his wife, I have a feeling it could turn this whole situation on its head. He presents himself as patient, loving, kind, always ready to listen to her, a nearly perfect spouse. No one is.

 

 

 

If he listens to his wife the way he listens to some of the advice on here, it's no wonder she has clammed up. Remember, he never said she was like this when they got married, and somehow, it's just the past two years (approximately) that have been the problem. What happened?

 

It could even be as simple as a disconnect in how they discuss major issues. The op seems to get a lot of value from long discussions and talk, but his wife seems to be more the type to say her piece and then go quiet. Quite frankly, for someone with that personality type, the long discussions can be exhausting and non-productive. After a while, one can stop trying because what's the point in talking if the other person isn't listening?

 

 

 

Op, I'm not saying you are being untruthful or exaggerating in your description of your marriage issues. I think you are being quite honest. All I'm saying is that you can only speak to your own thoughts and feelings. Even if she was the most open person on the face of the earth, you still really couldn't speak for her as you aren't her.

 

This being said, before you make any big decisions, I would suggest the following:

 

 

If you are absolutely sure ( and you have to be 100 percent, or this will blow up in your face) that you have reached the point where you simply can't stay with your marriage the way it is, then in your shoes, I would explain that to my wife and tell her that, if she wishes for your marriage to continue, that counseling is a non-negotiable for you. She either goes, or you are leaving.

 

 

 

If she agrees, then you have to keep up your end of the bargain. You have to be 100 percent honest about yourself and how you behave in your marriage during the counselling sessions, and give your wife the time she needs to have her say. You also have to really LISTEN., because based on what you say, I don't think you do. I think you really do try, but there is a disconnect somewhere. You pick up on what you want to hear ( or what upsets you the most) but I don't think you have really listened to her.

 

I would definitely do this before you decide to pull the plug on your marriage. While the posters are offering their best advice ( me included) it's impossible for us to know the true story because we are only hearing one side. A well trained counselor can meet with both of you and hear the whole story and then offer specific and targeted suggestions.

 

Add to this, that I really don't think the "no sex" is the true problem here. I think it's a symptom, but it's not the disease. In fact, it's almost become a distraction. If you can solve the major issues, it will follow suit. Simply focusing on increasing the level of sex won't change anything, especially as you place a high emotional significance on sex. You want her to want to be with you just as much as you want to be with her because you love her and want to know she feels the same. That is a wonderful thing, but like I said, I really think you and your wife have to find out what is at the root of all this.

 

From what you say, it's the past two years that have been difficult for you. Are you really willing to pull the plug, or do you want to exhaust all possible remedies first?