Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

Add to this, that I really don't think the "no sex" is the true problem here. I think it's a symptom, but it's not the disease. In fact, it's almost become a distraction. If you can solve the major issues, it will follow suit.

 

Or she might just hate the pressure of having regular sex. Maybe she feels hounded. Maybe she feels trapped. Maybe it's a duty she doesn't feel comfortable with any more.

 

After my wife "pulled the plug", she said she hated the pressure (mind you we were only having it twice a month ) and sex became a bad place for her. She spent 5 months in the spare room because I was ill last year and she enjoyed so much that she decided not to have sex with me ever again...

[Wallysbears]

The smugness of the bye bye nice house and such is cocky for someone that has no knowing of what his wife feels about the marriage. You seem very confident that you are entitled to destroying a home for your kids over sex. I think legal consult is necessary.

[giotto]

You seem very confident that you are entitled to destroying a home for your kids over sex.

 

 

Come on! This is not just "over sex". She refuses to talk to him. And men are wired differently. Sex is an important part. It helps create a deeper level of intimacy, a special bond. Obviously, his wife doesn't feel the same and yes, the OP's words are not very nice, but he is angry and frustrated.

[Marc878]

The smugness of the bye bye nice house and such is cocky for someone that has no knowing of what his wife feels about the marriage.

 

Her actions tell him exactly how she feels about the marriage. Did you even read the thread?

[Wallysbears]

I've read the entire thread. And I also know enough people that have spent a fortune in "family court" only to be sincerely surprised.

 

For all we know, the wife could have some very valid reasons for NOT wanting to be sexually intimate with the OP. He's stated that he has had several mental health stay inpatient stints, his posts here have run a gamut of emotions and POV's. And his wife isn't here to tell her side of the story.

 

He could be completely emotionally unstable at the home and she could avoid having any sort of in depth conversation because it only leads to him disecting every word she says.

 

We don't know more than what we've been told here. And in my experience in life, there is always more than one side to a story.

 

Hence why I find it ill advised to charge forward with separation and divorce ASSUMING he's going to get half the assets, force the house to be sold, etc.

 

A wealthy woman who runs a business is likely going to have a very good attorney who may even be able to argue that she is effectively a SAINT that has provided for an cared for and kept her vows to a mentally unstable man with a history of mental health issues and unemployment. And that on top of that, she has a child in college and another child about to go to college that she is financing. Plus a child who is transgender and transitioning that she is providing assistance and care to. And an ailing mother she provides for.

 

The OP could easily be painted into being a selfish man who, due to his mental illness, seeks only to address his own wants and needs at the detriment of the family and yes, he will be granted a divorce. But potentially with a pitance of a settlement or alimony...and limited visitation schedule with the minor child.

 

We don't know.

 

So hence why I call the tone of his posts arrogant and suggest he get a lawyer. A really good one. Divorce and separation are ugly. If lack of sex bothers him this much, I can only imagine sitting across a courtroom from a shark of an attorney tearing apart his life so as to protect his soon to be ex-wife's accumulated wealth.

[giotto]

Everything would be easily solved if she just told him the reason...

[BaileyB]

That is definitely one possibility, in the event of divorce. The other is that she will be reasonable and they could settle out of court. It’s hard to know, because we have one side of the story.

 

I do agree with you in that there must be more to the story. It is hard to believe that this woman who must have professional skills, refuses to negotiate or communicate with her husband. There must be a reason for that, as it speaks volumes that she is not interested in making herself vulnerable and communicating with her husband. I would love to hear her side of the story, as I think it would be most interesting...

 

I also agree that it is unlikely that the judge will be sympathetic to OP’s belief that he is entitled to support because she has withdrawn sex, abandoned her vows, and he has been the primary caregiver for the child. Not to minimize the care you have provided, but what you have done OP is called parenting. I’m sure your wife also parents your child, driving her and attending activities and medical appointments as it’s unlikely that she has abdicated all her parenting responsibilities to you. Your wife has also financially supported your family for years. In other words, she has carried the load. You will be entitled to support, but this fact will most definitely be recognized by the judge if/when you divorce.

Edited April 26, 2019 by BaileyB

[preraph]

I agree with the two recent posters who said there is likely a reason she doesn't care to get into long conversations with him. I think she probably does have reason, whether it's mental illness, lost attraction, or he's some way dysfunctional, that she lost the attraction. I think he is like a dog with a bone but goes in circles and is verbose and it is probably exhausting to keep up a dialogue with him when he's not getting what he wants. I think at those times, he tries to wear her down with words and is manipulative and just exhausts her and that she has learned it's best to state her position and refuse to keep bartering with him because I don't think he'd ever relent. Just as the longevity and repetition and wavering on this thread clearly demonstrates.

 

Boil it down and it's just a series of "No, that won't work. No, tried that. No, not unless she has sex. No, nothing will do if she won't have sex." I think he probably does know why she doesn't want sex but he just thinks she should submit to him constantly trying to talk her into it and reasoning with her why she should, and she's too mature to fall for that.

[Blanco]

I see a bit of myself in the OP as it relates to his need for lengthy discussions that pick over every angle and nuance of the issue at hand. The wild swing in moods hits a bit close to home, as I've felt that way when dealing with relationship issues in the past.

 

I say these things because I've become more aware in the last few years how exhausting I can be. My heart is usually in the right place, but my way of handling and approaching some issues would and have worn people who aren't like this down to the nub.

 

Having followed this thread, I tend to agree with the recent posters who suggest that the OP's wife has simply shut down because she's said her piece and finds the OP's belaboring of things to be borderline intolerable.

 

She could simplify things by saying she wants a divorce, but as others have pointed out, nothing is stopping from the OP from initiating things. He doesn't need his wife to turn her key and it seems to have reached a point where he should drop the expectation that she's going to do so or attempt to resolve whatever it is that's caused her to withdraw.

[preraph]

All that said, I have a good amount of empathy for the OP. This is a tough decision for him.

[pepperbird]

Her actions tell him exactly how she feels about the marriage. Did you even read the thread?

 

 

No they don't.

All we have is his interpretation of what he thinks she means...and a whole lot of input from us.

[pepperbird]

Everything would be easily solved if she just told him the reason...

 

 

 

 

I think she did. I think she did, but the OP either didn't hear it or he didn't like it so he ignored it.

 

 

 

 

In my experience, no marriage problems are ever one sided. From what the OP says, this issue has only reared its head in the past two years. What caused that change?

 

 

I think she DID tell the op.

[pepperbird]

In other words, she has carried the load. You will be entitled to support, but this fact will most definitely be recognized by the judge if/when you divorce.

 

 

 

 

If the courts work there the way they do here, he will be given a set period of time to find a job, and where their kids are older, it likely won't be that long. That's the case when a SAHM divorces.

[Wallysbears]

He may get a set amount of spousal support for X period of time. Likely not enough to have a home like the one he currently lives in...or the lifestyle he currently enjoys. Hence his other post about who has to move out.

[Rotaglia]

It is really so much simpler than we are making it. I want to know from my wife's point of view what is preventing us from having a fully restored marriage. Specifically regarding sex, I want to be very clear and specific about what that entails in a "fully restored marriage":

1. No physical sexual act is ever required (although they are desirable). 100% consent is mandatory and consent is never assumed or automatic;
   
2. However, each of us considers the sexual wellbeing of the other to be a high priority;
   
3. When physical sex is difficult or impossible, we each still wish to feel desired;
   
4. We will take care not to shame or reject each other. We will practice sexual kindness and appreciate what sex means and does not mean for each partner;
   
5. We will attempt to meet each other where the other partner is in sexual terms;
   
6. We will try to accommodate each other's sexual needs or non-needs;
   
7. There needs to be a reasonable probability that when our emotional and relational problems are resolved, a normal sex life will resume.
   
8. If one partner knows that he or she has no intention of ever resuming a sex life with the other, it is his or her responsibility to own that and say so. Failing to disclose that is potentially fatal to the marriage.
   

[Wallysbears]

Last I checked, marriage vows don't include sex.

 

Not to be so blunt, but they don't

 

I mean, unless you wrote them into yours.

 

Sex *is* important and is a vital part of a healthy marriage for most. But that's NOT what marriage vows are.

 

Sickness, health, richer, poorer, good times and bad....blahblahblah.

 

Your wife has stood by you through sickness and health. Richer and poorer. Good times and bad.

 

And you want to divorce over sex.

 

That's fine. There are no fault divorces. You'll be granted one. But I wouldn't bank on being granted 1/2 the marital estate simply because you want to get laid and she's not doing that.

[Wallysbears]

Granted, I'm not an attorney. And no one here has said they are giving you official legal advice.

 

I just find it highly unlikely that a judge will grant you 1/2 of your wife's assets simply because you aren't getting laid.

[Rotaglia]

I just find it highly unlikely that a judge will grant you 1/2 of your wife's assets simply because you aren't getting laid.

No one is saying a judge would.

 

I am saying that refusing sex for longer than a year can be an element of constructive desertion, the latter of which may be grounds for absolute divorce (as opposed to a limited divorce) in our state.

 

However, that's not much of a potential benefit to me except perhaps in determining alimony. I am not counting on it to be some sort of magic bullet. I would still end up divorced, an outcome I do not want. I want to repair my relationship with my wife, period.

[preraph]

I think she did. I think she did, but the OP either didn't hear it or he didn't like it so he ignored it.

 

I don't see how he could not know. I just think he doesn't accept that she won't go along with letting him continue to barter about it in adfinitim. I think he knows from years of knowing her. I think she said, Here's how it is. Do what you have to do. And he can't accept that's how it is and that, as he's said more than once on here, there is no third alternative. There is no third alternative. That's how it is. She doesn't have to barter and give in.

[Rotaglia]

@preraph I do *not* want my wife to "give in" under any circumstances—that is no basis for a healthy relationship.

 

I do want her to freely choose to be in a fully restored marriage with me where each partner's emotional and sexual needs are met with joy. It is neither impossible nor too much to ask. But she has to be willing.

[Wallysbears]

No one is saying a judge would.

 

I am saying that refusing sex for longer than a year can be an element of constructive desertion, the latter of which may be grounds for absolute divorce (as opposed to a limited divorce) in our state.

 

However, that's not much of a potential benefit to me except perhaps in determining alimony. I am not counting on it to be some sort of magic bullet. I would still end up divorced, an outcome I do not want. I want to repair my relationship with my wife, period.

 

Not to be rude, but another means of "construction desertion" is mental instability.

 

You've been hospitalized how many times for mental health reasons during your marriage?

 

If you want to argue constructive desertion...I would caution you against it. Unless you wife has been hospitalized, she, legally, could have the leg up there based on your past hospitalizations.

 

 

 

This is the REALITY of family/divorce court. If you push her to it, she may just find an attorney that will drag you and your mental health history through the mud to protect herself, her name, her assets and the inheritance and financial well being of her children.

 

I don't know the woman, I can't claim to know her...but I know, without a singular doubt in the world, that if cornered, I'd use every arrow in my quill.

And any attorney worth their salt would warn you of the same.

 

You've found a fancy phrase reading on the internet. One that can potentially come back to bite you in spades. Unless a really good attorney is advising you to utilize that approach, I'd swallow those words and never utter them lest you put the idea in her head.

[Wallysbears]

@preraph I do *not* want my wife to "give in" under any circumstances—that is no basis for a healthy relationship.

 

I do want her to freely choose to be in a fully restored marriage with me where each partner's emotional and sexual needs are met with joy. It is neither impossible nor too much to ask. But she has to be willing.

 

You do though. You want her to choose you. RIght now, where you are. And to have sex with you.

[Rotaglia]

You do though. You want her to choose you. RIght now, where you are. And to have sex with you.

Honestly? I am beginning to entertain doubts myself given the ordeal her stonewalling his created for me for the last year-and-a-half. Even supposing she does want to resume the marriage, can I trust her with my heart?

[preraph]

@preraph I do *not* want my wife to "give in" under any circumstances—that is no basis for a healthy relationship.

 

I do want her to freely choose to be in a fully restored marriage with me where each partner's emotional and sexual needs are met with joy. It is neither impossible nor too much to ask. But she has to be willing.

 

Rotaglia, we know what YOU want, but what does SHE want? Not sex.

[pepperbird]

op,

 

 

I agree with the poster(s) who have pointed out how many pages this thread has gone on for possibly indicating your communication style.

 

Is it possible that you like to go over and over a problem, discussing it and looking for a situation while she is more direct and to the point? If this is the case. then what to you is discussing a problem to her is nagging or fixating, while what is being to the point for her comes off as stonewalling to you? Neither of you is wrong for how you communicate, it's just different.

 

 

 

I'm saying this because you say over and over how she won't open up to you, yet you have indicated that this really isn't the case. e,g,- you say she asked you to be her rock during the recent death in her family. Now I could be wrong, but that doesn't sound like to me like she never opens up about how she feels. It sounds more like she does, but it's not in a way that you pick up on because you both have such different communication styles. Her telling you that may well have been the result of her digging deep and admitting she needed your help. She'd been your rock, and now she was hoping you'd be there for her. It sounds like you really were.

 

You having different communication styles doesn't have to be the end of the world. It just means you both have to work harder to find a system that works for both of you.

 

btw...if you keep seeing this as purely as "we aren't having sex" problem, you will likely end up divorced and kicking your own ass for going down that path.

 

Even if your wife came to you right now , ripped off her clothes and went to bed with you, you might be thrilled at the time, but I don't think you'd feel so good afterwards The problem would still be there. I think that framing it as mostly a sexual issue may well do your marriage in.