Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[preraph]

She clearly doesn't want sex, so....if she had it she would be giving in. And if she is contented, which I do not know, she is content to not have sex with you.

 

On a different subject, how is it working out now that you have a job and your wife is also having to help take care of the kids and do more around the house? How's the job going? Are you two working basically the same shift and home together at night?

Edited April 29, 2019 by preraph

[Rotaglia]

How's the job going? Are you two working basically the same shift and home together at night?

Thank you for asking. I really like the new job a lot! Yup, we are home together at night. It's quite an adjustment but so far so good. She gets home between 7pm and 8pm on a typical weeknight; I am lucky in that I am home by 5:30pm most days.

 

It's nice to have the distraction/satisfaction of work!

 

The company is small. It seems to be a no-nonsense workplace, friendly and dedicated. I have a female boss whom I like. Yes, she is attractive; no, I will not be sleeping with her, LOL. She is single but I think she has a boyfriend—none of that is any of my business.

Edited April 29, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

Believe me, if she were my girlfriend and not my wife of 22 years and the mother of my children, she would be outta here, big time, a year ago or sooner!!! But our daughter complicates matters.

 

That doesn’t mean at this time you can’t go your own way.

 

Example: go out with friends, take your daughter to a movie, go to the gym, live your life on your own terms for a bit.

 

All you’d be doing at this time is living life on your terms.

 

Right now you are predictable. Change it up

[Rotaglia]

@Marc878 Solid advice. I have a pretty robust social life already. My daughter and I definitely do stuff together. Hitting the gym is a great idea. I have several musical rehearsals/gigs coming up. The rest of life is going quite well. Heck, sometimes I even enjoy my marriage.

 

Today my wife had a special work event and I decided to head into the city with her mother in tow. We got to be in the audience, take pictures, and gush over my wife. Had lunch and a beer with my mother-in-law afterwards (I had the day off from work). Tonight when we reconnected, my wife and I shared a warm embrace and a very hot, lingering kiss. I felt pretty dang good.

[Rotaglia]

@snowcones I honestly don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm definitely outta here and sometimes ... I just don't know. I can't live without sex for the rest of life, nor can I live without true emotional intimacy, which I think is a major stumbling block for us.

 

I definitely *like* my wife a lot. She's brilliant, beautiful, charming, and charismatic. But I am really mad over how she has handled things for the last eighteen months and my trust in her is definitely shaken. Can I spend the rest of my life with so many unresolved issues amid such serious betrayal? It's far from clear. It's not as though resuming sex solves everything, though it would help. On the other hand, I am a bit leery of resuming sexual activity with my wife (assuming she would be interested, which seems like a fairly remote possibility). I don't want to the return of sex to be such a relief that I blind myself to some major ongoing issues. What a mess!

 

I could return to a true romantic relationship with my wife but it would not be wise to do so without some serious work.

OTOH, I kind of want to stick around to see how this movie ends....

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

A little willingness to work together and repair our marriage would go a long way. I'm amenable (I think? Maybe?). She has to convince me she's serious about it.

[Rotaglia]

If she’s making more than $500K a year like you said she does - two households shouldn’t really be a huge burden. Maybe two reasonable sized houses...downsize maybe?... but making that much you guys should be able to swing it.

Yeah, but what a drag. We're millionaires on paper (but that includes a house that still has a mortgage against it, so don't get excited) and we have no debts aside from the house, but we have worked really hard to get here.

 

It could be worth it to split up, perhaps. But I would much rather repair the relationship. Not at all costs. But I would prefer to mend it than end it. I'd rather fix it than nix it.

 

N.B., we live in a really expensive urban area.

 

We were able to pay cash for our son's college education and plan to do the same for our daughter, so no student loan debt. We have one credit card that we pay off every week (which is overzealous, but it works). So, I am proud to say we have good financial habits as a couple. We have a few small vices: housekeeper every two weeks, I buy a lot of musical gear (guitars, amplifiers, microphones, drums, etc.), but all of that is carefully budgeted for. She needs things like clothes (she's a great dresser and always looks sharp) and manicure/pedicures and haircuts. Our cars are 100% paid-for, no car loans.

 

We lead a pleasant, comfortable life. I just want the marriage to function better.

Edited April 30, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

There must be some terrible reason for his wife not telling him why she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. The real reason. This is a highly unusual behaviour.

Edited April 30, 2019 by giotto

[Rotaglia]

There must be some terrible reason for his wife not telling him why she doesn't want to have sex with him anymore. The real reason. This is a highly unusual behaviour.

I have turned it over and over in my mind. I asked her if some kind of sexual abuse could be a factor and she said she “didn’t think so”; on the other hand, it could be an affair; but the most likely truth is she wants a divorce and is afraid to say so and she is using sex as the messenger and, to her consternation, I have stubbornly refused to get the message.

[elaine567]

... but the most likely truth is she wants a divorce and is afraid to say so and she is using sex as the messenger and, to her consternation, I have stubbornly refused to get the message.

 

I do not see it in that way at all. Many many, it seem to me, older/middle aged/post menopausal women no longer want or need sex, it is not uncommon but also many many of these women do not want a divorce either, a divorce is the last thing on their mind.

They just want a nice, comfortable, companion style marriage, no boats rocked, a nice rest from the rigours of bringing up kids and all the other things women tend to take responsibility for. One of those things being catering for her husband's sexual needs... a "shackle" she can easily do without.

She can no longer be bothered with the never-ending "caring" role.

Some think the lack of oestrogen reduces the "caring" ability in women and I guess biologically it makes sense. One cannot spend one's later years intensely caring for children who are now independent adults and no longer need that care.

At 56, your wife's kids should be in their 30's, not 12...

[thefooloftheyear]

I do not see it in that way at all. Many many, it seem to me, older/middle aged/post menopausal women no longer want or need sex, it is not uncommon but also many many of these women do not want a divorce either, a divorce is the last thing on their mind.

They just want a nice, comfortable, companion style marriage, no boats rocked, a nice rest from the rigours of bringing up kids and all the other things women tend to take responsibility for. One of those things being catering for her husband's sexual needs... a "shackle" she can easily do without.

.

 

At that age he may not want to work, either, but he does so to keep things comfortable and make her happy as well..

 

Understand, I think its horrible to expect someone to do something that's against their will, but its not as though she has to dig a 6' hole with a teaspoon....I would think that to keep harmony and retain the other "good" aspects she can at least make(or fake) some kind of effort, no??

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

At that age he may not want to work, either, but he does so to keep things comfortable and make her happy as well.

 

He is in his forties and he has a family to support. Way too early to retire and live the good life. He is lucky that his wife is very successful in her job. For most people, this wouldn’t even be an option.

[BaileyB]

Many many, older/middle aged/post menopausal women no longer want or need sex, it is not uncommon but also many many of these women do not want a divorce either, a divorce is the last thing on their mind.

 

I didn’t want to say it again, but... this.

 

I see it in my family, I see it in my friends... life is busy, kids are demanding, work is exhausting, menopause is life changing... sex, is the last thing on many women’s minds at this age and this stage of life.

 

And, with all due respect, if she had been the victim of some kind of sexually abuse, she would know it... her answer that she “didn’t think so” is totally her way of avoiding the question, which allows her to be vague and prevent some you for asking “If not that, then why?”

[Rotaglia]

At 56, your wife's kids should be in their 30's, not 12...

She was definitely a marriage skeptic in her 20s, wondering if she really ever wanted to get married and have kids. Then she met me when she was 33 and I was 26 and she changed her mind. We got married a year later and our son was born a year after that. We unfortunately weathered a series of miscarriages before adopting our daughter some eight-and-a-half years after that. So that accounts for our kids being almost-twenty-one and twelve.

 

Perhaps the sudden cessation of sex was not a statement that she wanted a divorce but rather that she was simply very unhappy and didn't know how to say so. I am pretty sure she feels guilty for rejecting me, someone she considers a good man and a good husband. I don't want her to feel guilty; I want her to take a strong and definitive step in the direction of healing the marriage.

[elaine567]

At that age he may not want to work, either, but he does so to keep things comfortable and make her happy as well..

He has been a SAHD for the last 20 years, his kids are 20 and 12. He has only started "working" in the the past few weeks...

[thefooloftheyear]

He is in his forties and he has a family to support. Way too early to retire and live the good life. He is lucky that his wife is very successful in her job. For most people, this wouldn’t even be an option.

 

 

I didn't read the whole thread, I thought I read that he was 56?

 

"We were able to pay cash for our son's college education and plan to do the same for our daughter, so no student loan debt. We have one credit card that we pay off every week (which is overzealous, but it works). So, I am proud to say we have good financial habits as a couple. We have a few small vices: housekeeper every two weeks, I buy a lot of musical gear (guitars, amplifiers, microphones, drums, etc.), but all of that is carefully budgeted for. She needs things like clothes (she's a great dresser and always looks sharp) and manicure/pedicures and haircuts. Our cars are 100% paid-for, no car loans.

 

We lead a pleasant, comfortable life. I just want the marriage to function better. "

 

Anyway, my comment still stands....I wouldn't expect someone to do without an essential life need without some consequence..If the marriage is otherwise good/healthy then its something that you have to do...Otherwise blow it up and move on....

 

TFY

[Rotaglia]

Just to restate the background facts, I'm 49 and my wife is 56.

[pepperbird]

A

 

Understand, I think its horrible to expect someone to do something that's against their will, but its not as though she has to dig a 6' hole with a teaspoon....I would think that to keep harmony and retain the other "good" aspects she can at least make(or fake) some kind of effort, no??

 

TFY

 

 

And this, right here, is the stumbling block for many women, and I'm sorry, men simply don't get it.

 

For a lot of women ( and many men too) sex needs that emotional connection for it to be truly satisfying. While there is nothing wrong with "quickies", if it turns into " make(or fake)" act, she may as well just turn in her chips and go home.

 

 

 

It will be turned into just another chore on her list, and if what many spouses say on here is true, that it the absolute last thing they want. It will kill love and positive feelings really quickly.

[elaine567]

Perhaps the sudden cessation of sex was not a statement that she wanted a divorce but rather that she was simply very unhappy and didn't know how to say so. I am pretty sure she feels guilty for rejecting me, someone she considers a good man and a good husband. I don't want her to feel guilty; I want her to take a strong and definitive step in the direction of healing the marriage.

 

Why do you equate no sex with unhappiness on her part?

You are projecting how you feel about the lack of sex onto her.

Yes she may feel a bit sad, annoyed, upset... about your reaction, but she may be very happy indeed that sex is now off the table...

[thefooloftheyear]

This thread sounds eerily similar to a friend of mine...he's not into music, but otherwise its the same story...

 

He woke up one day, after dealing with the same thing as the OP and walked out on the marriage...The entire family is devastated and she even came to me crying her eyes out and wondering why...He eventually shared with me that she went cold on him for the last few years and he had enough...Tried everything...Nothing worked...

 

Its sad...And I thought they would be the last people on earth to get divorced but I dunno….If I were her and it was that important enough to maintain that then it would have been in my best interests to do something about it...

 

I guess its now a race against time for her...She probably figures if she stalls him long enough then his test levels fall enough or his dick stops working and the elephant in the room leaves..I dunno…

 

TFY

[pepperbird]

I'm just throwing this out there OP, and it's not meant as a comment on you.

 

 

(a) have you ever cheated on her ( emotionally, physically or otherwise?) I'm guessing you haven't, but just in case.

 

(b) did she enjoy sex with you previously? ( not just emotionally, but physically as well)

 

btw, you say she gets home in the late evenings most days? What time does she leave for work?

[BaileyB]

Why do you equate no sex with unhappiness on her part?

You are projecting how you feel about the lack of sex onto her.

Yes she may feel a bit sad, annoyed, upset... about your reaction, but she may be very happy indeed that sex is now off the table...

 

He is projecting his own opinion about a lot of things on her...

OP, I sincerely doubt that she is feeling guilty about the lack of sex. There is absolutely nothing in what you have said that would indicate that.

If she was feeling guilty, she would be open to the idea of marriage counselling...

[Rotaglia]

Why do you equate no sex with unhappiness on her part?

Because she is so tight-lipped, I am forced to speculate. It is not at all an unreasonable hypothesis because it fits the known facts. Perhaps she is happy/relieved that sex is now off the table, but she should discuss that with her husband. “Honey, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I feel strongly that sex is not something I am interested in now (or from now on).” This would enable us to address that issue properly.

 

Please stop letting her off the hook. She is behaving in a way contrary to how a loving and considerate wife ought to behave in this situation.

[Rotaglia]

@pepperbird

1. I have never cheated (physically or emotionally) and never would;
   
2. I am sure she used to enjoy sex with me (especially in the early years) but i am now uncertain about more recent years. It's been 23 years. A lot can happen over the course of that long a relationship;
   
3. She typically leaves by about 8am and returns before 8pm, so these are very long days. For what it's worth, I have talked a lot about the impact of executive burnout on her, and not just because I want sex from her. In fact, I offered this weekend to take our daughter and mother-in-law out for a few hours so she could have some time at home by herself, which I know she craves. Somewhat typically, she found a way to avoid taking me up on that offer. I love that she's so dedicated to her job and her family responsibility, but it seems to me that she often puts herself last.

[elaine567]

Because she is so tight-lipped, I am forced to speculate. It is not at all an unreasonable hypothesis because it fits the known facts. Perhaps she is happy/relieved that sex is now off the table, but she should discuss that with her husband. “Honey, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I feel strongly that sex is not something I am interested in now (or from now on).” This would enable us to address that issue properly.

 

What difference would it make though? There is still no sex on the table.

The only way it would make a difference is that if you thought you could change her mind. That is your agenda and she knows it.

That is why she is not talking as changing her mind is not an option, she has made her decision, there is nothing to "talk" about...

You could literally spend hours, days, months or years "talking" and sex is still off the table.