Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

I’m wondering this as well... just as I was wondering what kind of job you took last week when you said you had the day off during your first week or two of a new job. Are you working full-time? Do you work weekends? That doesn’t happen where I work.

I work 37.5 hours but they are not all spent in the office. Nobody cares when I get the work done as long as deadlines are met. My colleagues are incredibly nice and they seem to appreciate my work-product.

[BaileyB]

You know what? I could just go my own way within the marriage, forget about sex altogether (masturbation, anyone?), and just be best pals with my wife. One of the problems with that strategy is that being mere roommates makes me easier to discard.

 

She would probably be very happy. I actually think you have a higher risk of being discarded if you start to pressure her and annoy her to do something she clearly has no interest in doing anymore...

 

I was thinking about you on the way to work. My partner is a teacher and his course are done. He still gets paid for the next two months and he shows up occasionally at the office to do some “development,” but it’s pretty slack. On the contrary, I work HARD. Long hours, busy days, dealing with people all day everyday. Nothing about my two jobs is slack. So, every time he asks me what time I have to be at work the next day or complains about the slack work day he has... it makes me roll my eyes and it annoys me.

 

I can’t imagine how your wife must have felt when she goes to her high power job, surrounded by men who are professional, hard working, well dressed, assertive - knowing that her unemployed husband was at home in his pajamas. It could not be more of a polar opposite from what she has experienced at work. As we have said, I can only imagine that she lost respect for you... Now that you are working again, it will be interesting to see if she regains that respect and finds you more attractive. There is perhaps a glimmer of hope, but only a glimmer. I still say that given her age and stage of life - you just want very different things. She likes you enough to settle into a loving, companionable marriage while you... want something very different.

[Rotaglia]

I can’t imagine how your wife must have felt when she goes to her high power job, surrounded by men who are professional, hard working, well dressed, assertive - knowing that her unemployed husband was at home in his pajamas. It could not be more of a polar opposite from what she has experienced at work. As we have said, I can only imagine that she lost respect for you.

I find this remark demeaning.

[BaileyB]

I find this remark demeaning.

 

Not my intent.

 

Simply stating, two very different worlds. Your return to work must have some effect on your wife and your marriage - as I said, hopefully for the better.

Edited May 1, 2019 by BaileyB

[Rotaglia]

Not my intent.

Not your intent? Mind the effect.

[giotto]

Why isn't going to change much. It is what it is.

 

 

Of course not... but I'd like to know why my wife of many years all of a sudden has decided to reject me sexually... might not be important to you, but it would be important to me.

[giotto]

“Wow, I sure needed that” and she said, “Yeah, me too.” Then we kissed again. Rather nice.

 

Yes, because she still wants the non-sexual acts and she wants you to be happy with no sex. She misses the cuddling and the light kissing. You are showing her that you are happy just with that.

[giotto]

I'm slowly arriving to the conclusion that she is having an affair...

[elaine567]

No, you don't tell her that you "might have to consider filing for divorce." You tell her that you will file for divorce. The "consider" makes your statement sound more like a last-ditch thinly-veiled threat, even if that's not how you mean it.

 

But it would just be a thinly veiled threat. The OP doesn't want a divorce.

He knows it is not in his best interests to divorce.

He just wants to make his wife sit up and say "OMG I don't want a divorce, let's have some sex..."

 

He is sitting on the fence, with his thoughts all over the place as he is scared that if he mentions divorce in a serious way, his wife will say "That's a good idea, I'll call my lawyer now..."

[giotto]

 

He is sitting on the fence, with his thoughts all over the place as he is scared that if he mentions divorce in a serious way, his wife will say "That's a good idea, I'll call my lawyer now..."

 

I think divorce is pretty much inevitable. His wife is not going to change her mind. The OP still wants sex. There is no way out of this.

[Rotaglia]

Let's be clear: Were it not for our daughter, we would already be divorced. We are certainly at very high risk for divorce once she leaves for college. They question now concerns whether I put up with this horrendous treatment by my wife for another six years or so before I move out and pull the plug (also delaying the time when I can pursue a new relationship).

 

We might be good candidates for a post-nuptial agreement.

 

He just wants to make his wife sit up and say "OMG I don't want a divorce, let's have some sex..."

That's not terribly likely, is it? But if it did happen and I got it all on film, boy would folks have a good laugh!!

[giotto]

Let's be clear: Were it not for our daughter, we would already be divorced.

 

I get the feeling that your wife knows that your daughter is mature enough now for a divorce. She wouldn't do that, otherwise. Same with my wife: has pulled the plug just a few months before my youngest is due to go to college. Coincidence? I doubt it very much.

 

It's this or she is having an affair...

[Rotaglia]

It's this or she is having an affair...

Yup.

 

I spoke again with my attorney and with several friends. The key thing right now is to heighten my walkaway power. I have to be very careful and strategic as to how I speak with my wife. I don't want to touch off a messy and emotional war, but I do think she's entitled to know that this marriage is on life support and that some very dramatic changes need to occur if we intend to preserve it. Fundamentally, I no longer trust her with my heart.

 

It is slowly dawning on me that I have ceded too much power in this relationship. My wife may have walked all over me, but I let her do it. I do love her. She will always be part of family, but I seriously doubt that I can be her husband for much longer. It's sad but in the long run probably for the best.

 

The sticky question is our daughter. I don't want to be deprived of the presence of both parents. She needs both of us. Hopefully something can be arranged that makes sense. Tricky stuff.

[Rotaglia]

What if she asks me for sex and I say no?

[elaine567]

...I say no?

 

OK but as you don't really want a divorce and you at least want to stay a few years for your daughter, then it would not be very bright to say no, would it?

Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

[preraph]

Good luck convincing a judge that your wife has "walked all over" you, as she's been your sole financial support for some years. Good thing you have a job now, though.

[Marc878]

Good luck convincing a judge that your wife has "walked all over" you, as she's been your sole financial support for some years. Good thing you have a job now, though.

 

He won't have to convince a judge about anything.

 

In today's world it'll be a 50/50 split of net assets (including her savings/401k).

 

With the disparity in income child support and alimony.

 

OP, being in finance get all your fair share upfront because it won't be there later.

 

If it comes to D it's strictly a business decision. You'd be very wise to take care of yourself. No one else will.

[Mr. Lucky]

She will always be part of family

 

Let's see if you still feel this way if there's a contentious divorce with financial and custody battles. Part of her strategy will be to impugn your character and suitability as a parent.

 

Be careful thinking "she'd never do that" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

He won't have to convince a judge about anything.

 

I agree, but my point is he keeps thinking he has some argument to the court. First it was he thought they'd care she wasn't having sex. Now he thinks they'll care that she's unfair or whatever. The Court doesn't care as long as there's not abuse or money hiding or fighting in front of the kids, involving the kids, influencing the kids. As long as it's joint custody, there's no money paid to either and assets will be divided according to whatever law there is there, which varies state to state.

[Rotaglia]

In my state, being the financially dependent spouse for 22 years confers certain advantages per my lawyer. I could even argue for indefinite alimony, though it’s not for sure I would get it.

 

Doesn’t matter. The point is to be self-sufficient financially so that I do not depend on funds from marital assets while the divorce is proceeding or after it takes effect.

 

Mediation is an alternative to a contested divorce that could save us both money but, knowing my wife, she will opt for war.

[Marc878]

The Court doesn't care as long as there's not abuse or money hiding or fighting in front of the kids, involving the kids, influencing the kids. As long as it's joint custody, there's no money paid to either and assets will be divided according to whatever law there is there, which varies state to state.

 

You are correct. None of that matters at all. It's mostly a math calculation

Edited May 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Rotaglia]

In my state, being the financially dependent spouse for 22 years confers certain advantages per my lawyer. I could even argue for indefinite alimony, though it’s not for sure I would get it.

 

Doesn’t matter. The point is to be self-sufficient financially so that I do not depend on funds from marital assets while the divorce is proceeding or after it takes effect.

 

Mediation is an alternative to a contested divorce that could save us both money but, knowing my wife, she will opt for war.

 

@preraph The court does care about sex because in our state withholding sex for more than a year can constitute constructive abandonment, which is grounds for an absolute divorce. All that gets me is a quicker divorce without the one-year separation requirement. Not a big win but I would take it. My question for a lawyer would be what if my wife claims we were having sex that year?

 

Adultery also does matter if proven because it can affect the alimony award.

But generally an uncontested divorce settled by mediators or lawyers is usually best for a case like this.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Rotaglia

[preraph]

Rotaglia, I know you're dying to air your lack of sex to the Court, but just saying, you don't really NEED a grounds for divorce these days and no one is awarding you extra for no sex. You just pick a reason for divorce, incompatibility is the usual, and you file. This is not a big production in front of the judge where he decides who is wronged and gets into all that. In your state, maybe it's a reason to write down for divorce, but it has no advantage and will only have you answering embarrassing questions. If there is a contested divorce, then perhaps the judge might care about some issue or other, but likely the judge will just grant the divorce and it will be up to the reluctant party to sign the order or decide to give the other a hard time and go past a time limitation when it will be ordered nonetheless.

 

The big issues are the children and being sure all money is accounted for in both your accounts and assets and nothing hidden. Beyond that, the Court really only cares about the welfare of the children if they are minors or any physical abuse or addiction, mental illness, that sort of thing. Very low on the judge's list of cares is sex.

[Mr. Lucky]

My question for a lawyer would be what if my wife claims we were having sex that year?

 

Exactly. And given that sex is broad category meaning different things to different people, what happens if you say "we didn't" and she says "we did"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rotaglia]

I wonder if my mental health history could be an issue. I'll check with my lawyer. Anyway, my wife assumes I am too lovelorn and to dependent to file. She underestimates me. I will fight if I have to.