Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[sagamore]

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

[Rotaglia]

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

She's not here right now. When she gets back from her trip, I'll make an attempt. I find talking about emotional and/or serious matters via text and e-mail to be generally not a good idea, and she often can't talk on the phone because it's a super-intense travel and work time for her. She has an unbelievably demanding job and she throws her entire being into it.

 

If you read the previous posts, you will see that she is not always the best communicator concerning the marriage and our relationship, but she deserves an opportunity to talk to me, absolutely. I am adopting both postures simultaneously: ready to defend myself if necessary, open to discussion and working the marriage at the same time. It seems logical to me.

 

I love this woman a lot but she really hurt me and it will take very substantial effort on her part to regain my trust. Also, sexual intimacy will be a challenge as eighteen months of total rejection has left me very reluctant to re-engage sexually with her. Don't get me wrong—I'm still attracted to her physically. I just don't think it would be wise for me to accept her offer of sex should one be forthcoming. I am not holding my breath.

Edited May 1, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BettyDraper]

Why are you here endlessly see-sawing between “I want the marriage” and “I’ll fight if I have to”? Why not just talk to your wife?

 

My guess is that ending a long marriage is such a serious decision, that it's difficult to definitively decide when there is still love for one's partner.

 

I think Rotaglia would love to stay with his wife and work on the marriage, but he's finally realizing that may not be a possibility since his wife refuses to discuss their dead bedroom.

[Rotaglia]

@BettyDraper Thank you, yes—that's about the size of it.

 

I would also add that I am upset that my wife was apparently willfully oblivious to how much the sudden death of our sex life hurt me and even when finally confronted she did none of the things a truly engaged and caring wife might be expected to do. Basically, she discarded an essential piece of the relationship and didn't confide in me about what was happening with her. All of this is contrary to how an intimate relationship ought to function.

 

It's important to add that sex is not only something a wife gives to her husband or a husband gives to his wife; it is also an opportunity for the two of them to connect emotionally, to experience intimate touch, to bond. We both missed out on that experience for the last year-and-a-half because of what I am guessing was my wife's indifference and selfishness.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

You are still trying to project your feelings onto her. Obviously she sees it differently.

 

Have you checked your phone bill?

 

It only takes 15 minutes.

 

You should at least rule that out.

 

Perfect time since she's gone.

[Rotaglia]

You are still trying to project your feelings onto her. Obviously she sees it differently.

I'm not "projecting" anything; I am holding her accountable for falling short of very reasonable expectations. She may "see it differently," but a difference in perspective does not justify her behavior. In psychology, projection is the act of attributing to others characteristics one finds objectionable in oneself. That clearly does not apply here. The definition of projection is not "expecting others to share your beliefs or values," as you apparently believe.

 

Also, we have little-to-no idea what my wife thinks because 1) we can't get inside her head and 2) she hardly says anything on the topic.

Have you checked your phone bill?

The home phone bill reveals nothing.

 

Her cellphone is another matter, but it's a "company" phone so getting the bill for that will be tricky. It would be easier to wait for a day when she leaves her phone at home, but I haven't noticed her doing that recently.

 

She did begin bringing her phone to bed some time ago. She used to leave it downstairs (where I could get access to it). It could be she's developed a habit of checking her e-mail/texts in bed, or it could be behavior indicative of secrecy. I can't easily tell but it is perhaps mildly suspicious. It could be she is keeping her phone close at hand so I can't see it, but that could simply be paranoia on my part.

 

A time when she's away is no more or less suitable for this kind of surveillance.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Rotaglia]

Unfortunately for me, uncovering an affair or affairs conducted by my wife doesn't gain me very much except perhaps the ability to shame her (which is of dubious value). It would explain some of her behavior toward me, I suppose. It might make it harder to repair the marriage and easier for me to pursue divorce. Proving an affair legally can be difficult and in our state infidelity has little value in divorce court. It can influence an alimony award, but in the larger scheme of a divorce it is not really worth much.

 

My point is that uncovering infidelity may not be worth the effort.

 

On the other hand, looking at the circumstantial evidence:

1. An abrupt and lasting total shutdown of sex;
   
2. Evasion and silence;
   
3. Increased sense of unease around me;
   
4. Started taking her phone to bed;
   
5. Declines or cuts short most opportunities to discuss the marriage/relationship;
   
6. Fewer dates and fewer opportunities for the two of us to be alone;
   
7. Reduced intimacy.
   

An affair would explain all of these behaviors.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

No one is suggesting you uncover a potential affair for the purpose of leverage in a divorce.

[Rotaglia]

No one is suggesting you uncover a potential affair for the purpose of leverage in a divorce.

If we assume that to be the case, the remaining purposes of uncovering infidelity would be:

1. Make it easier for me to achieve closure on the end of the marriage and the onset of divorce;
   
2. Cause my wife to incur a debt to me that she has to repay somehow;
   
3. Cause my wife to see the error of her ways so she pursues relationship repair with me;
   
4. Make it easier for me to toss her out of the house.
   

None of these supposed benefits is particularly enticing.

[Marc878]

You have some red flags but the purpose of finding out what's up is this:

 

No marriage can be worked on if there is an affair going on. A waywards full emphasis is on the affair. It trumps everything.

 

If it is an affair you can bet she'll never tell you.

 

Its like any other problem. You can't try and fix it if you don't know what you're dealing with.

 

Your emphasis is trying to salvage your marriage.

 

Your wife won't tell you a thing. You can't make her. Repeatedly you keep saying she owes you an explanation. If that's what's going on their mantra is lie, hide and deny. You will get nothing directly from her. Ever.

 

If it is an affair about the only thing you can do is find out get evidence and expose it. It may or may not end the affair but it's your only good option. Only then do you have a chance.

 

At this time you don't know. It would be wise to try and find out.

 

Anything is better than living in limbo. She may have put you there but you are the only one that can keep yourself in it.

 

You've been struggling and getting nowhere. You change nothing nothing will change.

 

It's totally up to you. Change tactics or continue as you are. i suspect you'll keep getting the same.

[Marc878]

If we assume that to be the case, the remaining purposes of uncovering infidelity would be:

1. Make it easier for me to achieve closure on the end of the marriage and the onset of divorce;
   
2. Cause my wife to incur a debt to me that she has to repay somehow;
   
3. Cause my wife to see the error of her ways so she pursues relationship repair with me;
   
4. Make it easier for me to toss her out of the house.
   

None of these supposed benefits is particularly enticing.

 

It would get you out of limbo

 

It gets you a chance to end the affair. Only then can any work on the marriage can begin.

 

You seem to be making excuses so you don't have to address it.

 

In essence if I don't know then I don't have to deal with it.

[S2B]

It would get you out of limbo

 

It gets you a chance to end the affair. Only then can any work on the marriage can begin.

 

You seem to be making excuses so you don't have to address it.

 

In essence if I don't know then I don't have to deal with it.

 

Marc,

 

He won’t find out. It makes sense she is cheating. But he stuck his head in the sand a long time ago and won’t pull it out to check evidence to confirm.

 

In other words, he does NOT want to know!

 

But it would give him peace of mind if he really did know - because then he wouldn’t keep second guessing himself and bending like a pretzel to please the queen!

 

She is cruel. Plain and simple! But he thinks she’s great... but really he KNOWS she isn’t great!

 

He would be better off being single.

[Rotaglia]

@Marc878

So basically it would help me to achieve clarity? Searching fruitlessly for evidence of an affair that may or may not have taken place could drive me batty all by itself.

 

@S2B

I think at this point the bloom is off the proverbial rose.

 

There's no chance my wife's co-workers would rat her out to me. For one thing, most of them don't know me very well; for another, my wife signs their paychecks.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[S2B]

The HOME phone reveals nothing? ? well no $hit...

 

Man oh man, you have some things to learn... better yet hire a PI for some real info... it’s obvious you refuse to look where you would find the evidence.

 

Spend some money and find out for real. Have her followed too onthose “business trips”.

[Marc878]

Then stay where you are.

 

There are ways but you aren’t interested.

 

The Calvary isn’t coming.

 

It’s all on you yo figure out.

 

I can tell you this. Talking is getting you nowhere

[S2B]

He’s gone in a circle a thousand times.

 

He doesn’t want her truth.

[Rotaglia]

He doesn’t want her truth.

That's not true. I would welcome the truth. On the other hand, it may end up being water under the bridge if I conclude that my marriage is unsatisfactory in any case and a divorce is the correct course of action.

 

I asked my attorney about a private investigator. He said it would be a waste of money. I trust his opinion.

 

My wife said she wasn't sure about marriage counseling and would think about it. I anticipate that she will end up saying no. She continues to signal exactly how little she cares about the relationship on anything but her exponentially narrowing terms.

 

@Marc878 You're "talking" too. Is it getting you somewhere?

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

Then you stay where you are

[Rotaglia]

Then you stay where you are

No! Either we will work toward repair (with no guarantee of success) or divorce. The status quo is no longer acceptable.

[S2B]

The main thing that is logical is that she’s cheating and only interested sexually in someone else she is invested in.

 

Proceed as if she’s cheating since you won’t think for yourself and hire a PI.

 

The PI didn’t say it was a waste of money (per se’)... he said if she’s cheating it won’t change the terms of the divorce!

 

The PI is for YOU! For you to know what is real! That’s what you don’t get! If you want the truth you’re gonna have to stick your neck out of your comfort zone and pay to find out!!! That is for YOUR peace of mind!

 

 

When I wanted what was real - I started looking! I looked until I found evidence! But some people are super sleuth like me! My exH also had a business cell phone and I never saw the bill... but if you begin looking there are always tell tale signs left behind. You just aren’t looking very hard!

 

The house phone? Come on man... you gotta be kidding me.

 

Everyone leaves evidence when they cheat. Have her underwear tested for fluids. I’d bet you get your evidence.

[S2B]

No! Either we will work toward repair (with no guarantee of success) or divorce. The status quo is no longer acceptable.

 

It’s best to have a boundary. Set a date. That’s the date that takes care of you!

 

That’s the date when you file knowing she isn’t changing a thing. That’s the date you never move - stick to it like your life depends on it - it does - sanity is worth it.

 

She is slowly driving you insane... and ya gotta have a date that restores your sanity.

[Rotaglia]

The main thing that is logical is that she’s cheating and only interested sexually in someone else she is invested in.

I reluctantly admit that you are probably correct.

 

Y'know, it occurs to me that neither declining to marry someone in the first place, nor being married to them, nor divorcing them necessarily says anything about how good a person that individual is.

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen most have trouble making decisions.

 

Compound that with not knowing what’s up you’ll continue to wallow in this awhile.

 

IMO it’s in your best interest to know whether it is or it isn’t.

 

Whether it affects the D doesn’t matter.

 

Your attorney isn’t living in your nightmare is he?

[Rotaglia]

Have her underwear tested for fluids. I’d bet you get your evidence.

Okay ... gross!

 

Seriously, do you really think my wife with two master's degrees and a lifetime of business acumen is going to slink home from a tryst in semen-soaked undergarments? There are garbage cans everywhere, people! And a replacement pair of good-quality panties costs maybe seven bucks. Moreover, it's entirely possible my wife doesn't want sex from anybody, unfortunately including me, her husband.

 

Your attorney isn’t living in your nightmare is he?

No. But he has represented close to 1,200 people in divorce cases, so he has some genuine insight into the topic. Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

Then you stay in the dark