Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[Rotaglia]

Then you stay where you are

No! Either we will work toward repair (with no guarantee of success) or divorce. The status quo is no longer acceptable.

[Rotaglia]

The main thing that is logical is that she’s cheating and only interested sexually in someone else she is invested in.

I reluctantly admit that you are probably correct.

 

Y'know, it occurs to me that neither declining to marry someone in the first place, nor being married to them, nor divorcing them necessarily says anything about how good a person that individual is.

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen most have trouble making decisions.

 

Compound that with not knowing what’s up you’ll continue to wallow in this awhile.

 

IMO it’s in your best interest to know whether it is or it isn’t.

 

Whether it affects the D doesn’t matter.

 

Your attorney isn’t living in your nightmare is he?

[Rotaglia]

Have her underwear tested for fluids. I’d bet you get your evidence.

Okay ... gross!

 

Seriously, do you really think my wife with two master's degrees and a lifetime of business acumen is going to slink home from a tryst in semen-soaked undergarments? There are garbage cans everywhere, people! And a replacement pair of good-quality panties costs maybe seven bucks. Moreover, it's entirely possible my wife doesn't want sex from anybody, unfortunately including me, her husband.

 

Your attorney isn’t living in your nightmare is he?

No. But he has represented close to 1,200 people in divorce cases, so he has some genuine insight into the topic. Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Marc878]

Then you stay in the dark

[Rotaglia]

Then you stay in the dark

Not if I have the product called CheckMate.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

She does have a sex drive. It may just not be aimed at you.

 

 

An affair is a possibility, but, if she wanted to keep it secret, it's a bit silly to cut off the husband from all the marital sexual activities. Surely, that gives the signal that there is something going on? Unless, she is having an affair and the time has come for the divorce.

[snowcones]

You have to get to the point of calm acceptance and stop looking for change. Many married men do. Or else start discreetly seeing escorts.

[giotto]

Or else start discreetly seeing escorts.

 

Expensive! Just get out... don't pay for sex. Also, I don't agree that many men accept it and stay. Why would you stay with someone who has unilaterally decided to take sex off the table with no explanation?

[elaine567]

@giotto

Many cheating married women have a monogamous mindset.

They do not want to sleep with two men. They, unlike many cheating men are not looking for "extra", they are seeking a "replacement".

Once their affair turns physical, they stop or have minimal sex with their husband.

Affairs for some married women can be an attempt to leave for a perceived better life with a better man, so they just switch their loyalties to the other man. She cannot be truly loyal to the other man if she is still sleeping with her husband, can she?

Even if she has no intentions of leaving, it seems to me many married women, unlike men, do not fit quite so cosily into a pattern of "I am having great sex with both my AP and my spouse..."

[giotto]

They do not want to sleep with two men. They, unlike many cheating men are not looking for "extra", they are seeking a "replacement".

Once their affair turns physical, they stop or have minimal sex with their husband.

 

Thank you for your explanation... it makes sense. As you can see, I'm not an expert in this particular field...

[elaine567]

Yes he could pay for escorts, but what with?

He has just recently started contributing to the family coffers, I guess every dollar he earns will be accounted for.

 

Also escorts are not usually the answer if the problem is lack of intimacy, lack of validation, lack of feeling loved...

Escorts are paid to do what they do, they put on an act. They would sleep with anyone, if they got paid enough or needed the money...

Anyone who values honesty and who is looking for real love and care, will not get it from an escort.

Escorts are for horny guys who just want sex or for guys who can fool themselves into thinking that the escort is attracted to them or even loves them...

[Rotaglia]

Many cheating married women have a monogamous mindset. They do not want to sleep with two men.

That's a very interesting observation.

Also escorts are not usually the answer

Escorts are simply not an option. Not only do they not interest me, I want no part of the system of human trafficking that enables prostitution in places where many types of sex work are illegal.

 

I want to have sex with my wife ... or at least I did until recently. Now I am so disgusted with her behavior that recovering our sex life would be very difficult. If she comes home this Sunday demanding to make love I hope I would have the strength to say, “Honey, as much as I would like to do that, our marriage needs to be in much better shape before I can be physically intimate with you.”

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[elaine567]

Why would you stay with someone who has unilaterally decided to take sex off the table with no explanation?

 

It all depends on what else the marriage offers and how they realistically envisage life post divorce.

It is all about a cost benefit analysis.

How important is sex to them?

It is a big deal to lose half your money, having your retirement funds ransacked, living in a small apartment - losing status, friends, neighbours, your children, your home, your pets, your garden...

All very well to think "the sexy babes will come running" but not if you aren't rich, you have kids and an angry ex in tow and you are older, fatter, balder and jaded from the divorce...

Some think it is better to stay warm and comfortable at home even with no sex than try to navigate a potentially pretty cruel and cold world.

[Rotaglia]

I will never see a prostitute. The human trafficking industry is evil and they will not get any of my money. I'd sooner boink an inflatable doll—and the latter is simply deeeees-gusting (not that I would know).

 

You have to get to the point of calm acceptance and stop looking for change.

I think the calm acceptance comes post-divorce. Prior to divorce, I feel that doing everything I can to save the marriage (without attachment to a result or guarantee) will make post-divorce life a bit easier. If I do divorce, I want to do so when I am ready as I ever will be. The fat lady is warming up but she has not yet sung.

[Wallysbears]

If you are to the point that you feel the need to spy and/or test panties...just have your attorney file the divorce/separation papers already.

[Rotaglia]

@elaine567 I'm not sure if, at long last, you truly "get" where I am coming from. What's missing for me is an intimate emotional connection with my wife that, when in place, often produces physical sex as its reflection. If I felt deeply loved, understood, drawn close, like the second half of a single person, I would not feel so rejected. I am missing the chain, not merely one of its links.

 

Suppose we were physically incapable of having sex with each other but we were nevertheless deeply in love. I could see that working for me. Suppose she had cancer (Heaven forbid) and was on chemotherapy and couldn't physically have sex—would I still love her? I'd like to believe that I would.

 

The bottom line is she isn't in this relationship spiritually like I thought she was and she felt she was entitled to treat me like dirt because of that.

 

In this case, the root problem is a lack of emotional intimacy and lack of sex is merely a manifestation of that issue.

Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia

[giotto]

It all depends on what else the marriage offers and how they realistically envisage life post divorce.

 

Of course. But you seem to be missing what myself and the OP keep reiterating: for us sex is not just a mechanical act, it's creating intimacy and a deeper bonding. Without sex, the OP will start detaching.

 

I'm sure there are men who are happy to be in a sexless marriage or that don't care about sex. But if you are not one of these men and still relatively young, with a high sex drive, a life without sex is a prison cell.

 

I am separating, but not because I'm looking for another woman: I'm separating because a marriage without intimacy is not a marriage to me. We are roommates. And unfortunately, I really fancy my roommate. It's like having a Ferrari in the garage and not be able to drive it, ever... or when you drive it, you can only drive it in first gear and around the block (I read this on another board... )

Edited May 2, 2019 by giotto

[elaine567]

Now I am so disgusted with her behavior that recovering our sex life would be very difficult. If she comes home this Sunday demanding to make love I hope I would have the strength to say, “Honey, as much as I would like to do that, our marriage needs to be in much better shape before I can be physically intimate with you.”

 

How likely is that scenario? Not very likely I would guess.

 

BUT, I get that you want to take back control and a rejection may seem like taking back some of that control, but to me this seems like a "biting off your nose to spite your face", kind of a gesture.

You are the one wanting sex, if she offers you sex then you have to meet her half way, not sulk about it.

 

Little Tommy's Mom takes away his sweets, Tommy is upset.

Tommy's Mom leaves him for a while to calm down then offers him some sweets, he throws them back in her face.

Tommy thinks "That showed her."

Tommy's Mom picks up the sweets and thinks "Fine, no skin off my back..."

Tommy still has no sweets.

 

If you reject her offer, your wife will go "No skin off my back".

You on the other hand still get no sex...

[elaine567]

Of course. But you seem to be missing what myself and the OP keep reiterating: for us sex is not just a mechanical act, it's creating intimacy and a deeper bonding. Without sex, the OP will start detaching.

It still boils down to sex/emotional bonding/intimacy vs what else the marriage has to offer and the life envisaged after divorce.

 

Many people live and stay in marriages that have a lack of emotional availability, lack of intimacy and loosening of the marital bonds. Such problems may CAUSE withdrawal of sex.

[giotto]

Many people live and stay in marriages that have a lack of emotional availability, lack of intimacy and loosening of the marital bonds. Such problems may CAUSE withdrawal of sex.

 

To me, such marriages are not marriages. I understand why people stay married, but personally I couldn't live in an emotional desert. Maybe I'm an idealist.

[elaine567]

...personally I couldn't live in an emotional desert.

People tend to then put all their energy into their kids, their work, their career, their friendships, their pets...

They volunteer, they join committees, they do good deeds.

They get deeply involved in their hobbies and interests.

If it gets bad, they may start to drink or use recreational drugs... self medication to fill the void.

[Rotaglia]

@giotto and @elaine567, both of your remarks provide very valuable perspective. At the moment, giotto's last post really resonates for me. It is perfectly legitimate for a couple to choose a sexless relationship, but one partner declaring it sexless unilaterally is not cool, especially without an in-depth and kind conversation with the other partner. It also helps to let your partner know that you understand his or her feelings and perspective on the matter.

 

Again, would it kill her to say: “Honey, I know this might cause you some grief, but I am beginning to feel like I want to retire from sex. I am not sure how that would make you feel, but could we perhaps talk about it? I really care about you”?

[giotto]

People tend to then put all their energy into their kids, their work, their career, their friendships, their pets....

 

And all of this is ok with you, or are you just stating the facts? Would you stay in a marriage like this? Curious...

Edited May 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[giotto]

Again, would it kill her to say: “Honey, I know this might cause you some grief, but I am beginning to feel like I want to retire from sex. I am not sure how that would make you feel, but could we perhaps talk about it? I really care about you”?

 

My wife didn't tell me anything. We had problems on and off towards the end of the marriage. When I got ill with a very bad chest infection, she moved to the spare room and stayed there. My illness lasted about 5 months. When I got better I asked her if she wanted to get back to the bedroom, but she declined, saying she was having a fab time on her own and that she didn't want to have sex anymore. There you go. Two months later, after a lot of soul searching, I took her to an expensive restaurant where I told her that I couldn't live like that and that our marriage of 33 years was over.