Author Rotaglia Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female? You know what? Don't answer that question: It'll just be some other snide remark about what a fat, ugly, undesirable, weak loser I am. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female? The only person that you control is yourself. If you are not happy in your marriage, communicate that with your wife. If you remain unhappy by her response, then you have some decisions to make. You can’t make her do anything/be anything that she doesn’t want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) The only person that you control is yourself.Thanks for rejoining the discussion. I am sorry for my harsh words. I was having a bad day. You know what? I wasn't “having a bad day.” I was a flat-out jerk. I apologize. If you are not happy in your marriage, communicate that with your wife.Believe me, I intend to. She does not make it easy. Edited May 2, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Thanks for rejoining the discussion. I am sorry for my harsh words. I was having a bad day. Believe me, I intend to. She does not make it easy. No worries. I’m sorry I offended you. It wasn’t my intent. If my words went too far, I apologize. I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. Truly. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female? You know what? Don't answer that question: It'll just be some other snide remark about what a fat, ugly, undesirable, weak loser I am. Please don’t generalize about all wives - that’s mean. Not all wives do things like your wife. And please don’t talk mean about yourself. That’s not productive. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 There has to be a way to stay in the marriage and still get better treatment from my wife. Why does it have to be either/or? Because that's how it is. We're not talking about a hypothetical. We're talking about how it is and how it's been for 20 months. It is the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2019 Share Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Nothing prevents me from asking her to leave. She may just be ashamed enough to go, especially if she is having or has had an affair or affairs. She very well may go and may be happy enough to do it -- but that doesn't mean you get to stay in the house. She'll go straight to an attorney and eventually assets will be divided, including that house. And there's no way you'll be allowed to not work and just collect alimony. You will have a short x amount of time to get independent. Which is why I truly hope you are working and saving now. You will be expected to work. Edited May 2, 2019 by preraph Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 2, 2019 Author Share Posted May 2, 2019 No worries. I’m sorry I offended you. It wasn’t my intent. If my words went too far, I apologize.No apology necessary but I appreciate the kind words. I’m sorry that you are struggling with this. Truly.Sometimes the pain is truly intense. I get over it, but this has been such a hard experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 You will be expected to work.Good. Because I've been working for two weeks now already. Non-issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Please don’t generalize about all wivesI wasn't. I said “women,” not “all women.” And please don’t talk mean about yourself. That’s not productive.I was referring to the remarks of others here on LS, not to my self-talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 I can't allow my wife's emotional abuse of me to continue. Regardless of whether we remain married or become ex-spouses, we will be in each other's lives forever as co-parents. Emotional abuse tends to travel across generations. I intend to stop it here. I don't know if I can make her see her narcissism and her cruelty, but I have to try for the sake of our kids and our grandkids if not for me. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Our daughter deserves the presence of both of her parents 100% of the time. So divorce would only make sense if my wife or I or both were mistreating or abusing her. She isn't. I’m not. I refuse to harm my daughter by divorcing her mother. I could tell my wife that there will be no hugging or kissing until she addresses the issues in our marriage. It will probably anger her but too bad. There have to be consequences for her cruelty and indifference. I am fed up with being a second-class citizen in my marriage. She has two weeks and then she moves in the spare bedroom. Two weeks after that she moves out of the house. Have YOU decided that she will move to the spare room in two weeks? I feel like this has been a recurring problem in this thread. You keep saying what SHE must do to fix this, but you have no control over her actions or decisions about the matter. You only have control over what you do and your decisions. You've tried everything. I think the only option you have left (if you want to stay married) is to buy one of those life-like sex dolls to satisfy your sexual urges and just enjoy a friendly life-partnership with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 I think there's a little narcissism going both ways here. You think that she should care more about you having sex than she cares about her own needs and that's very narcissistic. And her deciding not to have sex is not abusive. You deciding she should have it anyway would be abusive. Is it emotionally unpleasant in the extreme? I'll take your word for that. I'm sure she has her reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 I think there's a little narcissism going both ways here.It is unfortunate that you have come to believe that because it is not true. You think that she should care more about you having sex than she cares about her own needs and that's very narcissistic.[/Quote]I don't feel that is fair comment at all and I never said that. And her deciding not to have sex is not abusiveI agree. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Her deciding not to have sex is not abusive. You deciding she should have it anyway would be abusive. Is it emotionally unpleasant in the extreme? I'll take your word for that. I'm sure she has her reasons. This. You are sexually incompatible, at this point. She has withdrawn sex, and that can be a very hurtful and emotional thing to do to someone who values sex in a relationship. But, she is not really behaving in an emotionally abusive way toward you. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Women have been manipulating and guilt-tripping their husbands since Genesis. How come I am so bad at it, setting aside the fact that I am male and not female? Wow. What an ugly, hateful sentiment. Again, you vacillate between servile declarations of love and misogynistic bile like the above. Will the real Rotaglia please stand up? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Wow. What an ugly, hateful sentiment.It was a poor choice of words on my part. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 she is not really behaving in an emotionally abusive way toward you.She most certainly is. Thank you, though, for enabling my abuser. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 It was a poor choice of words on my part. Not just a poor choice of words. On some level you believe this, Rotaglia. I think you’re feeling rage toward your wife, and indeed toward all women. You need to explore that with your therapist. You may think you’re covering it up but I guarantee some of that is seeping out into your marital relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 She most certainly is. Thank you, though, for enabling my abuser. Oh man. And with that, I wish you well. I’m done. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Not just a poor choice of words. On some level you believe this, Rotaglia. I think you’re feeling rage toward your wife, and indeed toward all women. You need to explore that with your therapist. You may think you’re covering it up but I guarantee some of that is seeping out into your marital relationship.I humbly apologize. My remark was ill-considered. I really do try to be respectful toward women at all times but in that moment, I fell short. I don't believe I have general animus toward women but if it turns out that I do it would certainly be something to work on. It was a rotten thing to say and I didn't mean it. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) I wish I knew what to do. I feel rather discouraged at the moment. Deciding what to do next is proving very difficult. My feelings at this moment disturb me. I'm upset. I don't know what to do about my marriage or my life, though I am glad about the new job (and I like it a lot). It seems unlikely that my wife and I could ever recover our sex life even if she wanted to and honestly my desire to be with her in that way is fading as well. We would both have to be firmly committed to that goal and I just don't see it happening. Her refusal of marriage counseling is not surprising but pretty galling. It may not always have been deliberate or malicious, but my wife has neglected, disrespected, and hurt me an awful lot. I would be prepared to forgive that if she would undertake real behavioral change, but that too seems unlikely. I respect how hard she works and how burned out she must be with her professional commitments, travel, family, etc. and that menopause and midlife issues are probably doing a number on her sex drive. I grasp all of that and I genuinely sympathize. But where does that leave me? Where does that leave us? I am perplexed. Edited May 3, 2019 by Rotaglia Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) Wait - you stated you are for sure NEVER divorcing her! What is your deal man? YOU are staying married to her... so just deal with it! Stop going in circles when you KNOW you aren’t leaving her! If needed move her crap to another bedroom while she’s away! Then tell her you are mad as hell. Put a lock on your bedroom door so she can’t manipulate you. Get real man! You ARE angry! Why are you appeasing her and pretending you aren’t mad to her face? Stop the pretending (lies) and blow this up because what you’ve been doing isn’t helping you! She wants different goals than you now? Well then she can take the couch! A spare bedroom may be comfy for her. Edited May 3, 2019 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Wait - you stated you are for sure NEVER divorcing her!If I said that, let's say right now I am open to the idea of a divorce if necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 It's necessary. I don't know why, after 100 pages, you need to be told that your wife isn't having sex with you again and isn't interested in doing so. You keep talking like you've got a potential upper hand, but my god, can't you see that, for whatever reason, she's gone? Stop living in this fantasy world where you guys are just one good heart-to-heart away from fixing this. In her mind, there's nothing to fix. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts