Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[giotto]

all while plotting/complaining about the fact that she hasn’t offered to give you a handjob/oral sex. You seem to epitomize the old saying “if you give the guy and inch, he will take a mile.” I would respectfully suggest that you give it some time and go to counselling.

 

It's early days. Give the guy a break. He will learn. It took me months... I finally got it...

[preraph]

I would agree. Accepting oral is also a big deal for some women too.

Oral can all be incorporated into "sex" and with a hefty dollop of desire, the unwilling can be persuaded, but "cold" oral without passion or desire on her part is a big ask.

Nothing romantic, or sexy or even fun about giving a HJ or a BJ to someone she would not have sex with... that is a job for a h**ker and most older married women do not see themselves as h**kers.

 

Absolutely. If they are having sex aversion to a person, the last thing they want to do is put that person's penis in their mouth. Sex is sex. There's no middle ground if the person is turned off. It's true: It's a hooker's job.

[giotto]

And its discussed around here that people should engage in "maintenance sex or duty sex" to keep their relationships on the up and up and going smooth....Well....About all I can say is I don't see any point in that...If it works, great, but I could never feel good about that on any level at all..

 

It's a compromise. It worked for us for a few years, but you need to put some effort into it. If you don't, it's pointless and highly unsatisfactory.

[preraph]

And you can give yourself a handjob, so I don't see the point taking one given begrudgingly when you can do that yourself. Probably a lot better one than she would give, too.

[Rotaglia]

Absolutely. If they are having sex aversion to a person, the last thing they want to do is put that person's penis in their mouth. Sex is sex. There's no middle ground if the person is turned off. It's true: It's a hooker's job.

Human sexuality actually works differently. It's not bipolar (yes or no, on or off); it’s a continuum. Consent IS yes or no, however—and it has to be that way.

[Blanco]

I dunno...I can't speak for everyone, but the thought that I would have to work on, coerce, counsel, arm twist, beg, obsess over, etc. the act of sex between two people just completely throws cold water over it...I mean, even if she agrees and complies, wouldn't you always be left feeling like she is only doing so to get you off her back?

 

Understand, I do see your point...And its discussed around here that people should engage in "maintenance sex or duty sex" to keep their relationships on the up and up and going smooth....Well....About all I can say is I don't see any point in that...If it works, great, but I could never feel good about that on any level at all..If it's not considered a priority or worth it on any level than whats the point....Its not like sharing chores or sitting down to discuss finances...Its way different. IMO

 

TFY

 

Agreed. I've had a handful of such encounters where it became evident in the act that it was all being done to appease me and it was a disgusting feeling. I'd just as soon be relegated to my hand until my final days than have another encounter with someone who is 100-percent there for my sake only.

[Blanco]

Human sexuality actually works differently. It's not bipolar (yes or no, on or off); it’s a continuum. Consent IS yes or no, however—and it has to be that way.

 

So how many times has your wife gone down on you in the last 18 months then?

[Blanco]

Honestly, you had a conversation with her and she gave you the answer you want to hear - she agreed to go to marriage counselling with you. And here you are, 48 hours later getting all worked up again and suggesting that her answers are unsatisfactory - all while plotting/complaining about the fact that she hasn’t offered to give you a handjob/oral sex. You seem to epitomize the old saying “if you give the guy and inch, he will take a mile.” I would respectfully suggest that you give it some time and go to counselling.

 

I haven't dealt with the OP's exact problems, but I'm having PTSD to my own past relationship with a particular ex because of the above. I'm also one of those "Let's sit down and talk things out" sorts of people, which is fine. But there's a threshold where it becomes compulsive and every conversation feels like it's accomplished something, only to be bombarded with more/recurring concerns within hours or days.

 

It's exhausting, especially for the person on the other end.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's exhausting, especially for the person on the other end.

 

Or in this thread the posters on the other end. The OP has worn me out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Rotaglia]

I haven't dealt with the OP's exact problems, but I'm having PTSD to my own past relationship with a particular ex because of the above. I'm also one of those "Let's sit down and talk things out" sorts of people, which is fine. But there's a threshold where it becomes compulsive and every conversation feels like it's accomplished something, only to be bombarded with more/recurring concerns within hours or days.

 

It's exhausting, especially for the person on the other end.

Understood. I have made a conscious effort to cool it in that regard.

 

For example, yesterday my wife got to sleep in and then go to the mall and read all afternoon. No relationship discussion, just pleasant pecks on the lips, smiles and hugs. Absolutely ZERO pressure for sex. I made dinner and then we watched A Star Is Born (the recent one with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper). We went to bed at separate times and I did not “spoon” even though her beautiful backside was pointed in my direction. Today was much of the same. On Friday, she agreed, as I recounted earlier, to see a marriage counselor. Today we had a a nice lunch out with our daughter.

 

Perhaps it is I who needs to adapt, not her. Maybe I need to grieve the death of sex in this relationship and move on within the relationship. I'm not even 50 but what the hell. I'm not willing to divorce even though I miss and crave sex. I do love my wife and I like being married to her. What should I expect any different? She is 56 and menopausal after all, plus she has a hugely demanding career and family life and she's stressed out a lot of the time. I could just be grateful for what we have, right?

 

I do not love my wife any less because she is not able or willing to have sex with me right now ... and for whatever negative emotions I do have I am trying to create different neural pathways that are not so negative.

 

So how many times has your wife gone down on you in the last 18 months then?

She stopped doing that perhaps four years ago, I don't recall exactly. But it was a feature of our sex life for seventeen or eighteen years and I used to experience that when I dated other people and I really liked it and I miss it. One day she up and said, “It's not one of my favorite things,” and that was that. The door closed forever. I kept my mouth shut.

 

It was one of those thrilling experiences that made me feel cherished, desired, and special. Now it's gone and it's never coming back. I'm trying not to be self-pitying or resentful, but I have to confess that it really hurts me in my soul. It is as though my youth and virility have faded away and with it any possibility of a remotely sexual experience. So how do we as a couple address that feeling? My primal male psyche is damaged, but there has to be a way to move forward, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, with those feelings acknowledged. I guess blowjobs are the exclusive province of the young on those married to the young. I'm all f***ing washed up, expended, and discarded as a sexual being.

 

I see my therapist on Thursday.

 

Agreed. I've had a handful of such encounters where it became evident in the act that it was all being done to appease me and it was a disgusting feeling. I'd just as soon be relegated to my hand until my final days than have another encounter with someone who is 100-percent there for my sake only.

What percentage buy-in would be acceptable to you? 30% for her, 70% for you? How about 40/60? 45/65? How do you quantify that s**t? Honestly, that sounds pretty preposterous. Edited May 5, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

She stopped doing that perhaps four years ago, I don't recall exactly. But it was a feature of our sex life for seventeen or eighteen years and I used to experience that when I dated other people and I really liked it and I miss it. One day she up and said, “It's not one of my favorite things,” and that was that. The door closed forever. I kept my mouth shut.

 

Apparently she has, as well.

 

I'm not sure why on earth you'd think oral sex is even in the realm of possibility when she cut that off long before she cut off sex.

 

On top of that, you have her on record as saying she doesn't enjoy it. And I'd totally believe her. Like I said, it's been my experience that the average woman is much more likely to prefer having sex over giving oral sex. We position intercourse to be the top shelf thing in the sexual universe, but the truth is that I've found through experience and talking that most women aren't particularly fond of the oral sex, and subsequently, are far less likely to do that than they are have sex with you.

 

It was one of those thrilling experiences that made me feel cherished, desired, and special. Now it's gone and it's never coming back. I'm trying not to be self-pitying or resentful, but I have to confess that it really hurts me in my soul.

 

Dude, come on. Saying such things about someone cutting off oral sex is one of those examples that suggests you're a lot less selfless than you think you are.

 

My primal male psyche is damaged, but there has to be a way to move forward, hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, with those feelings acknowledged. I guess blowjobs are the exclusive province of the young on those married to the young. I'm all f***ing washed up, expended, and discarded as a sexual being.

 

Cut the pity party nonsense. I'm in my mid-30s and can tell you that my above comments about women not really enjoying giving oral sex were based on young women, so this isn't just some young vs. old thing. The average woman just isn't a huge fan of having a schlong jabbed toward her throat.

 

What percentage buy-in would be acceptable to you? 30% for her, 70% for you? How about 40/60? 45/65? How do you quantify that s**t? Honestly, that sounds pretty preposterous.

 

And you sound like a patronizing such and such. You make it sound like I was in there with my slide rule figuring out the precise percentages of the division of pleasure.

 

Tell you what. I have a hunch that if your wife ever sleeps with you again, you're going to know exactly how to "quantify that s**t," because if you've got any consideration for anything past getting off, you're going to practically feel like you've just committed some sort of sexual assault. THAT is how you "quantify that s**t."

[Rotaglia]

@Blanco Look, all I'm really looking for here is a practical, kind, loving solution. Let's get real—it's abundantly clear that my wife is not into sex right now, period, so that's off the table. Any kind of sex (oral, manual, penetrative, etc.). That's fine. I just would like some clarity on that. Once we are clear there is no leeway, we can decision-make from there. I've already released the pressure for sex as much as I realistically can.

 

The thornier question is whether it is likely or possible for her to regain some of her libido in general and then later, maybe, some desire to have sex with her husband (that would be me). If she's not open to that possibility at all, then fine—say so and we can decision-make from there.

 

Perhaps there is a way of looking at all of this that would allow the marriage to continue and the romantic relationship to be rebuilt. Or maybe not. But let's talk about it. Let's explore. Isn't that the essence of what marriage counseling is for?

 

People tell you to be honest and then they get mad when you actually *are* honest. That hardly encourages honesty.

 

It's too bad she isn't even interested in receiving oral sex from me, but I can certainly understand. I'd be happy to do that. If you're not into intercourse, chances are you aren't much for oral either.

Edited May 5, 2019 by Rotaglia

[S2B]

Yes, honesty is expected. But you haven’t been frank and honest with your wife about exactly how you feel living without sex and the way she has treated you.

 

Get honest with HER!

 

Complaining here isn’t making her understand what she’s been doing to you!

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Rotaglia]

I think the goal is mutual understanding.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Then start talking to her! Get honest!

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Rotaglia]

We have had much better communication recently. Friday night was a bit of a breakthrough. Not only did she agree to marriage counseling but we agreed to begin actively working to rebuild our relationship. Sounds good to me!

[preraph]

I think it would be a great idea at this point if you just stopped ruminating on this until you are before the marriage counselor.

[BaileyB]

I think it would be a great idea at this point if you just stopped ruminating on this until you are before the marriage counselor.

 

I could not agree more.

[BettyDraper]

@Blanco Look, all I'm really looking for here is a practical, kind, loving solution. Let's get real—it's abundantly clear that my wife is not into sex right now, period, so that's off the table. Any kind of sex (oral, manual, penetrative, etc.). That's fine. I just would like some clarity on that. Once we are clear there is no leeway, we can decision-make from there. I've already released the pressure for sex as much as I realistically can.

 

The thornier question is whether it is likely or possible for her to regain some of her libido in general and then later, maybe, some desire to have sex with her husband (that would be me). If she's not open to that possibility at all, then fine—say so and we can decision-make from there.

 

Perhaps there is a way of looking at all of this that would allow the marriage to continue and the romantic relationship to be rebuilt. Or maybe not. But let's talk about it. Let's explore. Isn't that the essence of what marriage counseling is for?

 

People tell you to be honest and then they get mad when you actually *are* honest. That hardly encourages honesty.

 

It's too bad she isn't even interested in receiving oral sex from me, but I can certainly understand. I'd be happy to do that. If you're not into intercourse, chances are you aren't much for oral either.

 

Look, it has already been established that your wife is not interested in doing anything more than just cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. Please do not ask about other sexual acts because that will just be seen as more pressure. The constant asking is needy and disrespectful. You are not respecting your wife's boundaries when you incessantly ask about sex.

[Rotaglia]

cuddling, kissing, and holding hands. Please do not ask about other sexual acts because that will just be seen as more pressure. You are not respecting your wife's boundaries when you incessantly ask about sex.

I understand your point but I really have been asking neither explicitly nor implicitly for anything sexual for quite some time—although I will not apologize for continuing to want sex and or for the fact that I still become aroused while we are kissing and cuddling. In other words, I don’t hide my horniness or my attraction to my wife, but I don’t say “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that,” okay?

 

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

If you think she isn’t very aware of the fact that you want sex, you are fooling yourself...

[BettyDraper]

I understand your point but I really have been asking neither explicitly nor implicitly for anything sexual for quite some time—although I will not apologize for continuing to want sex and or for the fact that I still become aroused while we are kissing and cuddling. In other words, I don’t hide my horniness or my attraction to my wife, but I don’t say “Let’s do this” or “Let’s do that,” okay?

 

I am growing weary of the anti-male bias around here. If I were a woman with the identical story I would not be constantly labeled as “needy” for having needs. Please exmine your prejudices and sexism.

 

You are not needy for having needs.

You are needy for the way you constantly whinge about your needs instead of being the rock your wife has requested.

There is nothing prejudicial about pointing that out.

[Rotaglia]

For some people, sex is a rather strong need, not merely a thing that would be nice to have. Deprive such a person of sex for eighteen months and he or she might go a little nuts. Have a heart, people!

[BettyDraper]

I sympathize with how difficult it must be to go without sex for years when you're in love with your wife. However, it unproductive and unhealthy to look for assistance on a forum and then attack those who try to help you. Nobody is going to "have a heart" if you continue to throw tantrums or make snide remarks. You are way too old for that kind of behavior, R. It is not our fault that your wife refuses to be intimate with you. Your anger is misplaced.

 

It appears that you require the assistance of mental health professionals because many of your posts seem rather unhinged. Understandably, your marital difficulties are taking a toll on your psyche.

[BettyDraper]

Nobody implied that stopping rumination is easy. "Stop ruminating" was a suggestion.