Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[BettyDraper]

Booking a hotel room sends a clear sexual message. The fact that you even considered this shows that you do not truly understand the nature of your marital problems. If I didn’t want to be sexual with my husband and he booked a hotel room for the two of us, I would take that as a sign that he is only thinking about his sexual needs.

 

Being insistent about sex and giving your wife gifts is not going to change your situation.

It’s time to stop desperately seeking sexual relief and emotional intimacy. Stop exuding emotional neediness. Focus on planning a life without your wife because it could come to that.

[Rotaglia]

@BettyDraper That’s fine, no hotel room. Old habits die hard.

 

I’m sitting with my wife as we speak. We just had a lovely conversation. I’m not saying everything is hunky-dory, but I do find that we are talking and sharing on a better level lately. This doesn’t mean that divorce has been averted or anything, but at least we are engaging in frank and respectful conversation. She hasn’t said whether she’s called the marriage counselor yet but I am willing to bet that she is fairly apprehensive about it.

 

Talking about feelings and sex has never been something she was particularly good at. That doesn’t let her off the hook but it sure does explain a lot.

[S2B]

Who are you kidding... you stated many times you are NOT going to divorce her!

 

Please, stop toying with us!

 

And IF you want to know if she made the appt with the counselor - why haven’t you asked her!!! It seems like you’re afraid of her! Why?

[Rotaglia]

Who are you kidding... you stated many times you are NOT going to divorce her!

I will do what is ultimately best for me. Right now, I am optimistic that relationship repair is possible.

 

And IF you want to know if she made the appt with the counselor - why haven’t you asked her!!! It seems like you’re afraid of her! Why?

Honestly? I am curious how long it will take her to say something to me about it.

 

@BettyDraper It’s a strange dilemma. I don’t want to be seen as begging and pleading for sex, but I do expect sex to eventually become part of our relationship again if we are to remain a married couple. I can’t accept sexlessness forever and eighteen months is an awfully long time. BTW, there was an interesting story on NPR today about regaining a sex life in midlife through lubrication and communication.

Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[BaileyB]

Talking about feelings and sex has never been something she was particularly good at. That doesn’t let her off the hook but it sure does explain a lot.

 

Well then, she will particularly enjoy having these talks with you ever other day... especially after she has just returned home from an exhausting business trip or after a busy and stressful work day.

[Rotaglia]

@BaileyB Do not misunderstand. The chat tonight was about our days at work and the kids, etc.—not about sex. We only tangentially mentioned when discussing our son that not everyone is as comfortable discussing feelings as, say, I am ... and it was very elliptical. You have a tendency to find fault in me and you are not always correct.

[BaileyB]

. You have a tendency to find fault in me and you are not always correct.

 

Possibly. I tend to think that you believe you are being subtle and not pressuring your wife... and suspect that this is far from how it’s perceived sometimes. Consider, your backhanded comment about how “not everyone is comfortable discussions their feelings.” You wanted to make a point with that comment and you better believe that she heard it. I’m also not the only person here who thinks you have the subtlety of a bulldozer sometimes...

 

I’m sure there were parts of your discussion that she really enjoyed. Believe it or not, I’m really trying to help... as we all are trying to help.

[Rotaglia]

Believe it or not, I’m really trying to help... as we all are trying to help.

Yes, I believe that because it’s undeniably the case. Every small breakthrough in my relationship has been encouraged by folks on LS. They deserve credit and so do you.

[Blanco]

@BaileyB We only tangentially mentioned when discussing our son that not everyone is as comfortable discussing feelings as, say, I am .

 

You said this or she said this?

[Rotaglia]

You said this or she said this?

I did but I let the comment rest without pursuing it.

[Blanco]

I did but I let the comment rest without pursuing it.

 

I assumed so. You really need to be careful saying things like this. Whether you intend it to come across this way or not, comments like this in the environment you find yourself in are going to come across as jabs that your wife isn't willing to discuss feelings with you.

[Rotaglia]

You really need to be careful saying things like this.

That's a good point. What I *meant* to convey is that it's understandable, not a character flaw—but it is possible it could have been misconstrued, though I honestly don't think it was. It was in the context of a very pleasant, loving conversation punctuated with a nice kiss good-night. I think it was fine.

 

We very seldom raise our voices to each other and we usually resist criticizing each other. Going forward, though, I want her to be willing to be vulnerable and accountable to me to a greater degree than in the past. It may be a tall ask, but I don't think it's unreasonable given what's happened over the last year and a half.

Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[S2B]

You could be waiting forever to hear that she’s made that appt.

 

I think you must like having reasons to be mad at her.

 

And the fact that you claim to be good at communicating isn’t true.

 

You have chances to get honest with her yet you fear what she might say - so you stay silent. Then you complain about HER... complain about the way YOU are participating - that’s the only things you can change.

 

That’s terribly passive aggressive.

 

If you have something to ask her - then simply ask her!!!

[Blanco]

Going forward, though, I want her to be willing to be vulnerable and accountable to me to a greater degree than in the past. It may be a tall ask, but I don't think it's unreasonable given what's happened over the last year and a half.

 

So not only does she have to want sex with you again, she also needs to change who she is in her mid-50s and become more vulnerable AND "accountable" to you? Again, you have this wish list and zero leverage, and I cannot help but think you're setting yourself for great disappointment and more wasted time by staying in this marriage.

[Rotaglia]

I think you must like having reasons to be mad at her.

It's really not about that. I honestly sense that something has shifted in her. It might be starting to dawn on her that she has something to lose. I firmly believe that my show of strength is starting produce positive results in my marriage. It's a balancing act between taking action and exercising patience.

 

Bear with me.

So not only does she have to want sex with you again, she also needs to change who she is in her mid-50s and become more vulnerable AND "accountable" to you?

She must remain who she is essentially but I am asking for some different behavior from her.

[Blanco]

You could be waiting forever to hear that she’s made that appt.

 

I think you must like having reasons to be mad at her.

 

And the fact that you claim to be good at communicating isn’t true.

 

You have chances to get honest with her yet you fear what she might say - so you stay silent. Then you complain about HER... complain about the way YOU are participating - that’s the only things you can change.

 

That’s terribly passive aggressive.

 

If you have something to ask her - then simply ask her!!!

 

Yeah, if this really mattered to her, she would've found a lead or two on a marriage counselor. That she's said nothing to the OP about this indicates a good chance she's not even explored it yet.

 

I re-read the first post in this thread, which is now two months old. There's mention of the wife saying she wanted to work on the marriage, so I wonder if this latest conversation is similar to that instance. In other words, something she told him just to get him off her back for a while.

[Blanco]

She must remain who she is essentially but I am asking for some different behavior from her.

 

But by your own description, she's always been more emotionally reserved/closely guarded. That is who she is. Some people are just not vulnerable, and expecting her to change this at her age is akin to asking her to mentally bend a spoon.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by her needing to be "accountable" to you.

[Rotaglia]

I'm not sure what you mean by her needing to be "accountable" to you.

It means that when she does something wrong in the relationship, instead of letting it slide as I have done in the past, I will be more likely to call her out on it—and she is obligated to apologize and make amends. She cannot be cruel to me going forward and get away with impunity. Basic relationship dynamics.

[Blanco]

It's likely I missed it, if it was explained, but aside from the sex thing, what are some cruel things she's done?

[S2B]

It means that when she does something wrong in the relationship, instead of letting it slide as I have done in the past, I will be more likely to call her out on it—and she is obligated to apologize and make amends. She cannot be cruel to me going forward and get away with impunity. Basic relationship dynamics.

 

Well good luck with that.

 

This boils down to the same thing we’ve said all along...

 

YOU can’t control her! You have NO power over making her do anything!

 

Yet you seem to think you can. YOU can ONLY control YOURSELF! Stop thinking she needs to do anything different. This is who she is. She isn’t having sex with you!

 

You aren’t divorcing her.

 

So see a therapist about how to live without sex.

[Rotaglia]

what are some cruel things she's done?

She failed to address her total shutdown of our sex life for a year before I finally confronted her. She failed to practice kindness concerning my ongoing sexual needs. She shamed me for that. She nursed an ambivalence about our relationship but failed to disclose it or give me a chance to address it. When prodded to explain, she threatened me with separation.

 

Basically, I have not been treated as a equal partner in this relationship on several fronts. I have been made to think that these were ME problems that were exclusively mine instead of WE problems that we as a couple would tackle together. Meanwhile, she took for granted everything I continued to do (in non-sexual areas of the relationship).

 

But looking back on it, this was probably a necessary growth experience for each of us as individuals and as a couple and we will be stronger for it. I had a role to play in all of this—I let her walk all over me and I failed to hold her accountable as I should have. So that's on me.

 

However, I think we have a reasonable shot at resolving these issues. Recovering sexual desire in middle age through menopause is very challenging, but if she could show the effort (apart from results) it would mean a lot to me.

 

So see a therapist about how to live without sex.

Death first! I did see my therapist today during my lunch break. She's really helpful. Edited May 10, 2019 by Rotaglia

[Blanco]

She failed to address her total shutdown of our sex life for a year before I finally confronted her. She failed to practice kindness concerning my ongoing sexual needs. She shamed me for that. She nursed an ambivalence about our relationship but failed to disclose it or give me a chance to address it. When prodded to explain, she threatened me with separation.

 

Basically, I have not been treated as a equal partner in this relationship on several fronts. I have been made to think that these were ME problems that were exclusively mine instead of WE problems that we as a couple would tackle together. Meanwhile, she took for granted everything I continued to do (in non-sexual areas of the relationship).

 

But looking back on it, this was probably a necessary growth experience for each of us as individuals and as a couple and we will be stronger for it. I had a role to play in all of this—I let her walk all over me and I failed to hold her accountable as I should have. So that's on me.

 

However, I think we have a reasonable shot at resolving these issues. Recovering sexual desire in middle age through menopause is very challenging, but if she could show the effort (apart from results) it would mean a lot to me.

 

I'm not sure where to even begin. She's not without blame here, but it seems like your lone issue is connected in some form or fashion to her not wanting to have sex with you. That's it.

 

She has stood by you through your psychological issues; been the breadwinner that has afforded you a life of comfort and the flexibility to not only pursue a hobby as a vocation, but fund the accompanying pricey equipment of that hobby. She has, by your own admission, remained a good companion and partner outside of her non-interest in having sex with you. I'm not seeing how she has "walked all over" you. She doesn't sound verbally or emotionally abusive or even that critical of you from what you've shared.

 

I would not be comfortable with the total withdraw of sex, but if it were that important to me, I would hopefully face reality and divorce so that I could find sexual companionship without the stigma of cheating. I don't think it's a haphazard thing to say that so long as she's willing to stay married, you will not be going anywhere. You will live a life of steady resentment and seething toward your wife's continued absence in the bedroom, but you will not abandon your comfortable home or lifestyle.

 

And that's fine. But it's better to accept that reality rather than live in this fantasyland where you're somehow going to coax her into not only wanting you sexually again, but to alter core aspects of her being to suit your needs.

[S2B]

I’m curious... what does your therapist suggest you should be doing?

 

Please be specific.

[BettyDraper]

I'm not sure where to even begin. She's not without blame here, but it seems like your lone issue is connected in some form or fashion to her not wanting to have sex with you. That's it.

 

She has stood by you through your psychological issues; been the breadwinner that has afforded you a life of comfort and the flexibility to not only pursue a hobby as a vocation, but fund the accompanying pricey equipment of that hobby. She has, by your own admission, remained a good companion and partner outside of her non-interest in having sex with you. I'm not seeing how she has "walked all over" you. She doesn't sound verbally or emotionally abusive or even that critical of you from what you've shared.

 

I would not be comfortable with the total withdraw of sex, but if it were that important to me, I would hopefully face reality and divorce so that I could find sexual companionship without the stigma of cheating. I don't think it's a haphazard thing to say that so long as she's willing to stay married, you will not be going anywhere. You will live a life of steady resentment and seething toward your wife's continued absence in the bedroom, but you will not abandon your comfortable home or lifestyle.

 

And that's fine. But it's better to accept that reality rather than live in this fantasyland where you're somehow going to coax her into not only wanting you sexually again, but to alter core aspects of her being to suit your needs.

 

Excellent post.

 

R, you cannot make your wife do anything. You cannot demand that she be intimate with you in any way.

 

Why can't YOU make the appointment for a marriage counselor? Your wife probably going to do it so you are likely waiting for Godot.

Your inaction and resentment are only putting you in a maddening headspace.

[Veronica73]

I was wondering why you don’t just make the marriage counseling appointment as well. I thought you had a conversation and she said that she was open to it. So it seemed like there was progress between the two of you and you could actually communicate WITH her, instead of focusing all this energy on this thread and in your own head. You even commented earlier, that it took her...what...a year or something to address the lack of sex? I can’t remember the exact words, but it’s like you were just sitting there simmering, ...waiting for her to address it, (all the while posting on here going back and forth.) I think you should just make the damn appointment for the two of you and talk to a professional.

 

Edit-not that you have been posting here for an entire year...but still...

 

Edit 2: here it is- “She failed to address her total shutdown of our sex life for a year before I finally confronted her.“ And now you are going to just wait for her to make the marriage counseling appointment? After she said she was open to going? Just make it yourself.

Edited May 10, 2019 by Veronica73