Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[anika99]

Also wanted to add that I'm not suggesting that you should just accept the status quo of your marriage just because your wife might be going through a really tough time with menopause. However if you learn more about menopause and then approach your wife from a place of understanding and you make her feel safe to open up and talk about it too then she may be more willing to get help.

 

And something else, during my last year of perimenopause and about the first 18 months of menopause my sex drive vanished, it was totally gone for about 2.5 years. I was so glad that I was single at that time because the thought of someone pawing me for sex was repulsive. Then much to my amazement my sex drive reappeared. It was sporadic at first, but it slowly became more frequent and now it's pretty consistent. So don't despair too soon. Somethings can get better in time.

Edited March 23, 2019 by anika99

[giotto]

You're excusing her abusive, marriage-destroying, selfish, toxic marital conduct and blaming the victim for it. I certainly hope you don't counsel domestic violence victims for a living. Whose side are you on, anyway?

 

I'm not excusing her and I agree it's an abusive behaviour, but if you don't say anything, how would she know you have a problem? Because you are the one with the problem. She is fine. And you are not a victim. You allowed this to happen to you. And I'm not sure why you would want to "fix" this after what she's done to you. I would run...

[Rotaglia]

I'm not excusing her and I agree it's an abusive behaviour, but if you don't say anything, how would she know you have a problem? Because you are the one with the problem.

The assumption that it was perfectly fine to unilaterally terminate our sex life with no regard for my feelings and not so much as a loving conversation is totally unacceptable marital conduct. Period, full stop. I eventually did confront her after months of tiptoeing around the issue.

You allowed this to happen to you.

I allowed nothing. That is nonsense.

And I'm not sure why you would want to "fix" this after what she's done to you. I would run...

Gee, I dunno ... maybe after 22-odd years invested, two kids, a mortgage, I think this marriage deserves a shot at rebuilding.

[Rotaglia]

words, has this experience been something that she can talk to you about? Can she discuss her menopause woes with you or does she feel like she has to keep her female problems to herself because you are not interested in hearing about such things?

I would absolutely be willing to support her through her menopause symptoms, discuss them with her, devise coping strategies but she really seems disinterested in venturing anywhere near those possibilities.

 

There are a few men who participate on the online support group I belong to because they are trying to understand what their wives are going through. You also might want to consider at least reading up on it.

I'm definitely the kind of husband who would be happy to meet any emotional need my wife would acknowledge to me (other than to be given more solitude, which I am working on). However, feeling as hurt and rejected as I do makes that task harder.

[Rotaglia]

Well, my wife and I have a date night scheduled for a week from tonight. Maybe some good conversation and a nice meal will result in some true progress. I wonder if I should prepare a PowerPoint presentation or something.

[giotto]

The assumption that it was perfectly fine to unilaterally terminate our sex life with no regard for my feelings and not so much as a loving conversation is totally unacceptable marital conduct. Period, full stop. I eventually did confront her after months of tiptoeing around the issue.

 

This is why I said it was an abusive behaviour...

 

I allowed nothing. That is nonsense.

 

You didn't speak up, so you allowed the situation to continue...

 

If you witness abusive behaviour, surely you act quickly to stop it... waiting 18 months?

[Rotaglia]

You didn't speak up, so you allowed the situation to continue...

 

If you witness abusive behaviour, surely you act quickly to stop it... waiting 18 months?

I didn't *wait* at all. I noticed the lack of sex and took sensible action. I made sure my wife had more me-time. I bought flowers. I arranged date-nights. I lit candles. I tried to re-ignite the spark. It's true I didn't say, "Hey, we aren't having sex—what's the deal?" because I figured that would be indelicate. I did finally bring it up about eight months along (she pledged to work on it but that went nowhere). I didn't silent accept the situation but I did faul to confront her.

[giotto]

I didn't *wait* at all. I noticed the lack of sex and took sensible action. I made sure my wife had more me-time. I bought flowers. I arranged date-nights. I lit candles. I tried to re-ignite the spark. It's true I didn't say, "Hey, we aren't having sex—what's the deal?" because I figured that would be indelicate. I did finally bring it up about eight months along (she pledged to work on it but that went nowhere). I didn't silent accept the situation but I did faul to confront her.

 

ok, I get it... personally, after 2 weeks of no sex, I always asked, gently. Indelicate? What's indelicate about asking your wife for a romp after a while? Maybe you've been too delicate...

 

What are you going to do? One day you say it's finished, 3 hours later you've changed your mind...

[Rotaglia]

True progress... what would that look like?

Good question. Some things I would find encouraging is her acknowledging some of the issues and identifying possible solutions or paths to solutions. It would take a lot to rebuild this relationship but it is not impossible if both parties are willing to have an open and honest dialogue.

I’m worried for you... I hope you don’t have your expectations set too high.

I'm endeavoring to temper expectations and keep them modest.

What’s the date night entail?

A nice dinner? Maybe a movie?

[Rotaglia]

Maybe something happened to her.

 

Maybe she got a std? Maybe she was raped? We could guess all day long why she eliminated an [integral] part of intimacy/loving behavior within any marriage. But the point is - she should be willing to tell you why no sex - but she won’t. She has blocked you off from the portion of marriage that makes things ideal. Now you’ve been reduced to “being friends”. She holds all the power and you’re angry.

I did tell her early on that one of my biggest fears was that she was at some point the victim of sexual abuse of some type. She said that she "didn't think" that was a factor, but who knows?

If something happened and she didn’t tell you then that is also an issue.

Yes, but I could understand her initial reluctance.

Personally I think she’s mean and cruel.

Her behavior has had a cruel effect on me, no question. If she were to recognize that and take steps to remedy it, I would feel a heck of a lot better.

But she knows she holds all the power. So getting a job is where you do have a chance to change something about the imbalance within your relationship.

How soon can you be working?

I can work whenever I want to. It will be a bit more difficult to accomplish other things (like caring for my mother-in-law with dementia who lives in a distant state), but it is all doable.

[Rotaglia]

The bottom line is that I love this woman unconditionally. That doesn't mean I have to stay married to her but it does mean that she's entitled to a second chance if she is willing to accept accountability for her mistakes and work on rectifying them and changing her future behavior. My expectations are far from unreasonable.

[Rotaglia]

What are you going to do? One day you say it's finished, 3 hours later you've changed your mind...

It ain't over until one of us says it's over (and even then it would be a separation and divorce process that could be reversed) and I'm not ready to quit. I admit to going back and forth in my mind but I am not sharing my thought process with my wife for this stretch.

 

My current strategy of calming way down and being cheerful, dependable, and predictable might be working. I haven't tried to talk to her about the relationship and waiting for her to come to me probably drives her a little nuts (but maybe in a good way). She knows it's her move next and I don't think she likes that fact.

 

I'm focusing on things other than the relationship right now.

[BettyDraper]

It ain't over until one of us says it's over (and even then it would be a separation and divorce process that could be reversed) and I'm not ready to quit. I admit to going back and forth in my mind but I am not sharing my thought process with my wife for this stretch.

 

My current strategy of calming way down and being cheerful, dependable, and predictable might be working. I haven't tried to talk to her about the relationship and waiting for her to come to me probably drives her a little nuts (but maybe in a good way). She knows it's her move next and I don't think she likes that fact.

 

I'm focusing on things other than the relationship right now.

 

What are you choosing to focus on?

 

You look after your MIL and your wife still treats you with this level of disrespect?!

 

If having your own way of securing a residence and income for yourself was not a factor, would you still be willing to cling to a marriage which is awfully one sided?

 

Just a thought-maybe your wife is bored of your dependable predictability and passive acceptance of her unfair behavior.

[Rotaglia]

What are you choosing to focus on?

I have some very engrossing projects in my work that I am enjoying.

 

You look after your MIL and your wife still treats you with this level of disrespect?!

I am hoping that she will begin treating me much more respectfully going forward.

 

If having your own way of securing a residence and income for yourself was not a factor, would you still be willing to cling to a marriage which is awfully one sided?

This really isn't about money. If we had to split up, I would be more than able to earn an income.

 

Just a thought-maybe your wife is bored of your dependable predictability and passive acceptance of her unfair behavior.

I hear you. It's a risk but I believe there is a good chance of a turnaround.

[pepperbird]

op,

please take ALL the responses on here, including mine, with a HUGE grain of salt.

Some on here aren't happy unless everyone else is as miserable as they are. Others really do want to help.

 

 

One thing to keep in mind before taking advice about divorce. No one on here has heard your wife's side to the story, but that's the nature of an online forum. If we were to hear her side, the advice might be very different. If she were to post her side, what do you think it would look like? It might sound odd, but have you considered encouraging her to join an online forum, if not this one, then one suited to her needs?

 

 

 

Online support can be a wonderful thing, but make sure to use your own good judgement.

[pepperbird]

 

You are her doormat. You’ve volunteered for that position... and it works for her.

 

You’d be smart to get a job now! Save money in a separate account. And get yourself set up so you can be independent when that time comes.

 

Heck, you don’t even have enough money set aside that’s your own money to get an attorney or a private investigator.

 

Earn your own money = keep it separate! When she asks why it’s separate - tell her you’re unwilling to discuss that - the same way she is unwilling to discuss no sex with you.

 

Start taking the lead man! Start making NEW rules! She’s made the rules for too long!

 

Earn money ASAP so you can build a life without answering to HER!

 

 

I would do some boning up on family law before you offer this sort of advice.

In many places, any money he earns would be considered community property,and if he tried to hide it in a bank account, he'll get his knuckles soundly rapped in court.

If he's not working and he's the primary child care provider, his wife would likely end up paying him spousal support and child support.

 

Op,

I would advise you to do some serious thinking about what you want. If it's staying with your wife in an improved marriage, then work towards that goal. If it;s striking out on your own, then work towards that goal.

 

 

If you don't know, then book some time with a counselor. Work through all of this.

 

 

One more question, and I am not accusing you of anything, just asking. Have you ever had an affair, physical or emotional, or given her cause to think you have? It doesn't matter how long ago it was. If so, then that could be playing a huge role in all of this. She may have swept her bad feelings under the rug, and it's coming out now.

[Rotaglia]

op,

please take ALL the responses on here, including mine, with a HUGE grain of salt.

Some on here aren't happy unless everyone else is as miserable as they are. Others really do want to help.

Thank you. So noted.

One thing to keep in mind before taking advice about divorce. No one on here has heard your wife's side to the story, but that's the nature of an online forum. If we were to hear her side, the advice might be very different. If she were to post her side, what do you think it would look like? It might sound odd, but have you considered encouraging her to join an online forum, if not this one, then one suited to her needs?

It's tough to know her side of the story because she keeps clamming up. I have really tried to listen with kindness and understanding but I don't seem to be getting through to her.

I would do some boning up on family law before you offer this sort of advice.

In many places, any money he earns would be considered community property,and if he tried to hide it in a bank account, he'll get his knuckles soundly rapped in court.

If he's not working and he's the primary child care provider, his wife would likely end up paying him spousal support and child support.

 

Op,

I would advise you to do some serious thinking about what you want. If it's staying with your wife in an improved marriage, then work towards that goal. If it;s striking out on your own, then work towards that goal.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel so fed up with my wife's mistreatment of me, her obvious lack of investment in our relationship, her ambivalence, the lack of sex and emotional intimacy. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with it all.

 

On the other hand, I often feel like I would rather mend our relationship than end it. I truly love this woman and care for her as a person I and I would like the opportunity to start meeting her emotional needs again.

 

One more question, and I am not accusing you of anything, just asking. Have you ever had an affair, physical or emotional, or given her cause to think you have? It doesn't matter how long ago it was. If so, then that could be playing a huge role in all of this. She may have swept her bad feelings under the rug, and it's coming out now.

No, I have never had any kind of infidelity, emotional or physical. I am beginning to wonder if maybe she has, though.

[elaine567]

A big deal is being made of the fact she didn't talk to you or she refuses to talk to you about the withdrawal of sex, with even the word "abuse" being bandied about.

BUT I guess there is only a small subset of women who are going to frankly talk to their husband about the menopause.

It is a huge deal to some.

To some it is the end of life as they knew it. It is a whole new chapter and not one they find is a nice or exciting one.

Suddenly old age and death beckons.

They are "officially" and hormonally deemed to be an old woman and are thus infertile, "useless" and "undesirable". Society is not kind to the older woman, unless she wants to immediately adopt the granny role. Any who seek to reclaim youth are often laughed at.

 

They grieve their youth, the loss of fertility, the loss of femininity, the loss of their libido, the loss of "normality"...

Add to that, menopausal symptoms can be horrible in themselves.

 

The last person some want to talk about all that to, is their husband...

[bathtub-row]

I guess I’m missing the part where OP is weak and being abused if he chooses to stay and work on himself and his marriage. Getting divorced is a big deal and not something to jump into. It took me 2 years to leave my son’s dad. It was a really tough decision. So, when I did leave, I never questioned my decision. But I never stopped being sorry that it had to end.

[BettyDraper]

I guess I’m missing the part where OP is weak and being abused if he chooses to stay and work on himself and his marriage. Getting divorced is a big deal and not something to jump into. It took me 2 years to leave my son’s dad. It was a really tough decision. So, when I did leave, I never questioned my decision. But I never stopped being sorry that it had to end.

 

How can the OP work on his marriage if his wife is unwilling to make any effort? She already told him to go find someone else.

[bathtub-row]

How can the OP work on his marriage if his wife is unwilling to make any effort? She already told him to go find someone else.

 

Let’s just say she’s being truthful and that sex just completely turns her off. However, she may fear that this will cause her marriage to end so she tells him that because she’s afraid of holding him back. Who knows? A person can work on a marriage without the spouse being involved. Their actions will have an impact on the spouse whether they’re aware of it or not. Maybe it won’t make any difference, maybe his wife is a big, fat liar, maybe it’ll turn her head that her husband is that devoted to her. You never know. No one should ever walk away from a marriage until they’re ready to or they no longer have any choice in the matter.

[Rotaglia]

I am definitely absorbing all of the replies and I appreciate them. Just because I might push back against some of the suggestions does not mean they are unhelpful or unappreciated.

 

Divorce is a messy, emotionally difficult, stressful process and should not be undertaken lightly. It really ought to be the very last resort. There are some things I will not tolerate indefinitely.

 

My wife and I don't have very long to mend things before the reactor goes critical and melts down.

[Rotaglia]

One really tough part of rebuilding this marriage is restoring the sexual and romantic bond with a woman in whom my trust has been so sorely shaken.

[Rotaglia]

Even more so when one part of the two refuses to participate even with a conversation - much less action. Hmmm

To which one of us (my wife or me) are you referring?

[Rotaglia]

Yup. I see that.

 

The sex thing is probably solvable if my wife had the will to do so. She could make things tolerable for me in numerous possible ways. We could figure out how to have a sex life that works for both of us but she might have to consider individual, marriage, or sex therapy. She might have to read a few books. Where there's a will there's a way, sexually speaking.

 

I guess she just doesn't have the will.

That sucks!

 

But our problems go well beyond sex. I think maybe where I erred is that I got too head-over-heels in love and she feels bad that she can't match my intensity. Now she probably feels like whatever she can offer me is inadequate or not worthy of me or some such nonsense.

Edited March 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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