Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[mark clemson]

I would suggest you figure out a way to get her into MC.

 

I'm male. There's a very good chance one or more of the excellent women posting on this forum will give you a response that gives you more insight into where your wife may be coming from.

 

I also think that for many men sex is a need. I think it's not fair to you to remain in a marriage where your needs aren't being met. However, that's a male perspective on the sex aspect. I think some female views are needed to balance that out.

 

I'd reiterate that MC will still be helpful IMO as I think a trained person working closely with the two of you has the best chance of bringing this to a resolution that's satisfying to both of you. I don't see the logic of MC "facilitating divorce"; to me that sounds nonsensical. I hope your wife can accept MC as an alternative to separation or at least to try it before separating. If she really won't do that there may not be much hope.

 

Some posters may mention that your wife may be in an affair. I don't get that impression, but it's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

Edited March 10, 2019 by mark clemson
grammar :-)

[5x5]

If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, I think you ought to respect her wishes and let her be.

 

Likewise if you still want to enjoy sex at all. Given that your wife has unilaterally decided to stop having sex with you for a long time. You should feel free, to have sex with whoever wants to have sex with you.

 

That said if you're okay with not having sex, for more than a year and evermore interminably. I encourage you to press on with your wife, and learn to embrace the celibacy which you have chosen.

 

Good luck.

[S2B]

That’s really mean and cruel of her. Seems like she isn’t considering your feelings at all. That’s not what marriage is about!

 

Is she in love with you? I’d ask her! Wait for a one word answer... yes or no.

 

Is she having an affair? It looks like she is. Start checking.

 

 

Does she work? Could she support herself?

[vla1120]

But before we get down to having sex again, I could really go for a good make-out session right about now with my wife! Y'know, rolling around on the floor or on the bed just snogging and cuddling and chatting. That sounds ... divine to me.

 

That sounds like something she might enjoy, as well. You can talk about current events - anything that doesn't involve your marriage or the kids, etc. You are bringing up memories for me. Some of my best were sitting in bed at night with my husband and playing cards, talking about history or current events, etc. (If only he hadn't threatened to buy a gun and shoot me. *Sigh*)

 

Hang in there.

[Marc878]

Sex is an important part of any marriage.

 

What she's telling you is you don't matter all that much.

 

In return you are telling her you'll take whatever she dishes out.

 

Why?

 

If you don't value yourself I doubt she will.

[basil67]

I'm like your wife, but my husband has dealt with it very differently. Menopause has done terrible things to my sex drive. I really hate they way I am because sex used to be really important to me. I saw the dr and tried testosterone supplements. I tried viagra. HRT helped my hot flashes and sleepnessness but made no difference to my sex drive.

 

Talked to hubby who said "It's OK, this is just going to be a different phase of our relationship" Just as well he had that attitude because now he has functional issues of his own and even if I do find myself horny, I give him the same space and compassion he gave me.

Edited March 10, 2019 by basil67

[BaileyB]

Just a curious question basil, I would think at 56 that she has been through the worst of menopause. Obviously, it’s not the same, but my understanding is that many women continue to enjoy sex after menopause... just wondering if “menopause” is truly to blame?

 

I think you are grasping at straws when you suggest that she is autistic or bisexual OP? Have you had other concerns about this before the sex dropped off... I would be careful to throw those terms out - I doubt she would appreciate it I feel you ever shared this with her.

 

I’m sorry you find yourself feeling lonely. You sound like a wonderful husband.

Edited March 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[doyathinkso]

Have you considered the possibility that your wife has not stopped having sex?

 

 

She's just stopped having it with you.

 

 

Could be that she's just being faithful, but not to you.

[Timshel]

I'll be blunt doyathinkso, while most women enjoy very much having sex with a man who loves her and she loves...there is no power of the D for us. Sorry.

[Rotaglia]

My wife got back from a trip last night. It was really, really great to see her. I made sure to dress nicely and greet her at the airport warmly with a hug, kiss, and smile. Nothing too effusive, just obvious low-key happiness. Projecting quiet strength as they teach here on LS seemed to make a difference.

 

We met some very dear friends for dinner which was wonderful. Afterwards my wife and I had a long talk (I didn't bring up the recent divorce/separation topic [which I guess is suspended indefinitely, thank goodness] because I figured she'll address that when she's ready). I think I'll just focus on being her best ally and be ready to listen to whatever she cares to talk about. I suggested that recent work stress was getting to be a lot and she should think about taking a weekend to herself or perhaps for a trip with a girlfriend, something like that to give her some time to heal and relax. She appreciated the suggestion but she is a CEO/President and remains very focused on her work.

 

Afterwards in bed there wasn't sex exactly but definitely some mutual arousal, a spark that had been missing. That felt good. I didn't feel frustrated at all but pleased. I mean sure, I would have been delighted to perform oral sex on her if she wanted (or receive same, what a concept) but since she didn't indicate that I figured why push it. Building up to it over time is okay with me. We can get used to interacting sexually again. I like the sound of that.

 

My wife makes a lot of the meals around here but I think I might like to do some more cooking to give her a break. Plus I really don't minding cleaning up after dinner because it gives me almost meditative "think time."

 

I feel much more at peace in my marriage at this moment than I have in a long time. It seems that the basic wisdom of not pleading, begging, or crying and not making sweeping romantic gestures is probably the way to go, despite the fact that it is very counterintuitive for me. This ain't the movies. Projecting quiet strength, maturity, and acceptance is a much more powerful stance. It's a matter of confident love.

[S2B]

Can she support herself?

 

Are you reading responses here?

 

 

Why are you being so weak? Women don’t respect a weak man.

 

Have you checked to see who she is cheating with?

 

 

Who was on the trip with her? Where did she go? Did she communicate with you while she was away?

[doyathinkso]

Can she support herself?

 

Are you reading responses here?

 

 

Why are you being so weak? Women don’t respect a weak man.

 

Have you checked to see who she is cheating with?

 

 

Who was on the trip with her? Where did she go? Did she communicate with you while she was away?

 

 

 

 

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

[S2B]

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

 

And no new knowledge when one won’t read...

[basil67]

Just a curious question basil, I would think at 56 that she has been through the worst of menopause. Obviously, it’s not the same, but my understanding is that many women continue to enjoy sex after menopause... just wondering if “menopause” is truly to blame?

 

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

 

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

 

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

 

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

[Rotaglia]

Can she support herself?

Yes, she's the primary breadwinner in our household. I would be the one with the financial challenge if we were to split up.

Are you reading responses here?

Yes.

Why are you being so weak? Women don’t respect a weak man.

Perhaps you should read my responses. I have moved away from the less-strong behaviors into stronger ones.

Have you checked to see who she is cheating with?

I think her cheating is very unlikely. In any case, it is not my job to be a private investigator and sniff out some theoretical lover. If she does cheat and wants to tell me about it, I'll deal with it then.

Who was on the trip with her? Where did she go? Did she communicate with you while she was away?

It was only a few days for business with a detour to visit her sick 103-year-old grandmother. It was in distant state. She doesn't travel all that much for business considering her job as a CEO.

[Rotaglia]

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

 

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

 

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

 

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

Sex is not driven exclusively by hormones, but perhaps primarily. I think menopause has definitely affected my wife, but it is not the whole story. She is in a midlife identity crisis and she is questioning her life choices, including our marriage. I'm not thrilled but I certainly understand. She could have gone about this is a kinder way and brought me into it a bit sooner, but at least these issues are out in the open now instead of hidden. I figure the best strategy now is to strongly and confidently go about my work, my childcare, my friendships and meanwhile serve my wife well, listen when she wants to talk, and see how things evolve.

 

I am consciously choosing not to actively woo her because I feel like that approach has backfired so far. I'm also being pleasant but not overly affectionate. We still hug, kiss, say "I love you," etc. I figure that's appropriate for this moment. We've had some moments in bed of mutual sexual arousal but no actual sexual activity and while that's frustrating I have accepted that as the status quo for no without too much angst.

 

I want a stronger marriage. I want a sex life and a married life that are mutually fulfilling. If there are things to repair, I'm eager to get on with that process.

 

This woman is worth it. She's brilliant, funny, tenacious, beautiful, and totally sexy. She's a great mother. I legitimately enjoy her company and I'm proud to be her husband. We simply have some work to do.

[basil67]

I want a stronger marriage. I want a sex life and a married life that are mutually fulfilling. If there are things to repair, I'm eager to get on with that process.

 

This woman is worth it. She's brilliant, funny, tenacious, beautiful, and totally sexy. She's a great mother. I legitimately enjoy her company and I'm proud to be her husband. We simply have some work to do.

 

What if her sex drive has completely tanked?

[S2B]

What if she doesn’t change?

 

Has she had a check up with the dr lately?

 

Tell her how you feel! Tell her you don’t intend to live in a sexless marriage.

 

I know about menopause... she could have a decent sex drive - if she wants to!

 

What is it you do for work?

 

You do realize you get half of you divorce right? Possibly spousal support too. Have you checked into what this means for you if you divorce?

 

You need to start gathering info in case you decide you can’t live without sex.

 

Any wife who expects her H to go without sex as part of the marriage is selfish and self centered.

 

 

And stop suggesting weekends away and all those things that reward her selfish behavior.

 

She’s mean - she’s made a decision to eliminate sex and expects you to be happy about it... that isn’t loving behavior.

 

Sit her down and tell her you don’t agree and you both need to get to the cause of why things have changed - or else you will explore other options for yourself.

 

Seriously, tell her how this is affecting you.

[elaine567]

Some woman poster, I forget who, a long time ago said something which seemed to ring true.

I paraphrase

Women don't tend to NEED sex like men do but if a woman is getting a lot of sex, (likely good sex), she tends to want more and more, but if sex is sparse (or bad) then it is a very small leap for her to dispense with sex all together.

[basil67]

I know about menopause... she could have a decent sex drive - if she wants to!

 

Is your knowledge about menopause based on your experiences as a menopausal woman (ie; sample of one)? Or do you have a medical background?

[BaileyB]

Some woman poster, I forget who, a long time ago said something which seemed to ring true.

I paraphrase

Women don't tend to NEED sex like men do but if a woman is getting a lot of sex, (likely good sex), she tends to want more and more, but if sex is sparse (or bad) then it is a very small leap for her to dispense with sex all together.

 

I would most definitely agree with this.

[BaileyB]

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

 

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

 

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

 

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

 

Thanks basil. Good information.

 

My understanding is that many women enter perimenopause in their early to mid-40’s. Depending on when this woman started, she may be in the worst of it or actually done with it. While I don’t discount the effects of menopause on the body, sex drive, etc... I have to wonder if there is more happening here. But of course, we can wonder but we will never be able to say for sure...

Edited March 10, 2019 by BaileyB

[doyathinkso]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

 

 

Bull.

 

 

She's getting it somewhere else.

[Rotaglia]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

 

 

Bull.

 

 

She's getting it somewhere else.

Suppose you're right. Let's say my wife has indeed been cheating on me. I'd like to know so I can decide how to respond. I could choose to file for divorce or I could decide to work on repairing the marriage.

 

However, if she doesn't tell me there is not much I can do to address the cheating issue unless I were to stumble upon some incriminating information ... which is not likely because I don't snoop on my wife's e-mail or phone.

 

Honestly, I seriously doubt she's having an affair. I mean, anything is possible I suppose ... but it just doesn't seem like something she would do. Now, if she turned out to be bisexual and a lesbian, that would also be upsetting but easier to accept because that's something nobody can do much about.

 

I would just like to know what I'm dealing with so I can address it but she really isn't giving me that opportunity. It's frustrating. I tried getting her to talk to me about why she might be unhappy in the relationship and (as usual) she said she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with that.

[S2B]

Suppose you're right. Let's say my wife has indeed been cheating on me. I'd like to know so I can decide how to respond. I could choose to file for divorce or I could decide to work on repairing the marriage.

 

However, if she doesn't tell me there is not much I can do to address the cheating issue unless I were to stumble upon some incriminating information ... which is not likely because I don't snoop on my wife's e-mail or phone.

 

Honestly, I seriously doubt she's having an affair. I mean, anything is possible I suppose ... but it just doesn't seem like something she would do. Now, if she turned out to be bisexual and a lesbian, that would also be upsetting but easier to accept because that's something nobody can do much about.

 

I would just like to know what I'm dealing with so I can address it but she really isn't giving me that opportunity. It's frustrating. I tried getting her to talk to me about why she might be unhappy in the relationship and (as usual) she said she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with that.

 

I don’t think you want to know what she’s really got going on... if you did you’d start looking for info/evidence.

 

It is like you’ve put your head in the sand.

 

When she says she doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it - that’s disrespectful of you and the marriage.

 

Do you feel your lesser earning of income puts you in a position of not having the ability to lead within the marriage?

 

Why not make an appointment with a counselor and tell her when the time/day is?

 

Do you feel there is an inbalance of power in the marriage?