Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 If there is a barrier to real emotional (never mind physical) intimacy with my wife that is removable or treatable, why not go about addressing that problem? Why excuse my wife's silence and indifference? An emotionally disconnected, sexless marriage should trigger an emergency alarm in a partner unless of course she does not give a damn about the relationship in which case her indifference and inaction will suit her just fine as they destroy the relationship slowly, quickly, or at some rate in between. The reactor eventually melts down. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Your wife is sitting waiting for her grandmother to die. It might be a good time to dial up the empathy and dial back the woe is me here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Do you recognize that you do a lot of justifying and blaming?You are blaming me with that statement, but when you do it it is apparently okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 You are blaming me with that statement, but when you do it it is apparently okay. I’m not blaming...I was pointing out what you are doing. They are different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Your wife is sitting waiting for her grandmother to die. It might be a good time to dial up the empathy and dial back the woe is me here.I agree 100%. That's why I am posting here and giving my wife the space to grieve. I spoke to her last night and told her I knew how impossibly tough the situation was, that I loved her and was here for whatever she might need, and that if and when there is a funeral the kids and I will fly to join her. Not a single word about our relationship because that would not have been anywhere near appropriate at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 I’m not blaming...I was pointing out what you are doing. They are different.You were pointing out what I was doing with a negative value judgment attached—the very definition of blaming. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 An emotionally disconnected, sexless marriage should trigger an emergency alarm in a partner unless of course she does not give a damn about the relationship in which case her indifference and inaction will suit her just fine as they destroy the relationship slowly, quickly, or at some rate in between. The reactor eventually melts down. Don't you think she would have acted by now if her heart was still in the marriage? Her actions speak loudly. She is waiting for the marriage to disintegrate. She knows this and she is doing absolutely nothing to stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Don't you think she would have acted by now if her heart was still in the marriage? Her actions speak loudly. She is waiting for the marriage to disintegrate. She knows this and she is doing absolutely nothing to stop it.You are correct. That is indeed very possible. I do hope that if I point that out, she might choose to change course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 If at the bottom of it all my wife wants to drive me out of the marriage and thus make it all my fault in her mind, she is doing a pretty good job. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 She is waiting for the marriage to disintegrate. She knows this and she is doing absolutely nothing to stop it. That assumes she is unhappy with the status quo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 My wife's grandmother just died. I will really miss her. A very special, generous, unique, fiery lady. I sent my wife a brief supportive text and told her to call if she feels like it. What a terribly sad moment for our family. My wife was such a devoted granddaughter to her and I am proud of her for that. Once we know the date/time of the funeral, the kids and I will arrange a flight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) That assumes she is unhappy with the status quo.Good point. But it is hard for me to imagine what wife would want to be in a halfway marriage, much less her husband. I guess a crucial thing for me is to really envision the situation from her point-of-view as best I can and try to empathize. --------------- I also texted my wife offering to notify friends and family and start composing an obituary for her grandmother, etc. but those activities can wait until later today. I just want to see if there are burdens I can take off of my wife's shoulders right now. Wow. This is such an overpoweringly sad moment. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Pick up the phone and call. Don’t text. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) She texted first. I told her to call if she feels like it. That seemed appropriate. We will talk by phone shortly, I'm sure. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 That assumes she is unhappy with the status quo. No, she is happy, but unfortunately her husband has woken up and is being a pain in the neck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) The task before me is quite challenging. I have to confront some painful truths and really be there for my wife, genuinely appreciate her experience and temper my expectations. Can I overcome my difficult emotions and really, truly do that? Yes. I can. I will do it. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) You won't survive without having sex for the rest of your life at 49, or, even worse, staying with your wife without being able to have sex with her. I've been in your position. I'm a bit older, but I had to chose and I chose to be free. You can't live the rest of your life resenting your wife and growing more and more bitter. This is the harsh reality. You will get over it, believe me. Regardless of her reasons, she has chosen to reject you sexually. Are you prepared to live with this rejection for the rest of your life? Think about it. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) No. However, I am also not prepared to throw the towel in on this marriage—not until I have given the two of us an opportunity to repair things. Perhaps we can overcome these barriers together. It is worth a shot. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) ok... it will be a long haul... but maybe you should give yourself a time limit... Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 I am not prepared to throw the towel in on this marriage—not until I have given the two of us an opportunity to repair things. Perhaps we can overcome these barriers together. It is worth a shot. It starts with an honest conversation, in the right place and at the right time. YOU need to tell your wife how YOU are feeling. Tell her that you love her, that you want your life together to continue. But tell her how it feels when she shuts down and refuses to communicate, share her feelings, and have sex with you. And then tell her honestly and respectfully, what you would like to change in your marriage. Don’t threaten her with divorce, but let her know that you are considering ending the marriage if things do not change. And then listen. Ask her, sincerely, how she feels and what she wants for her future. And then, just listen. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Start treating your wife like she’s a roommate. Stop telling her you love her (consider yourself cyber smacked). I do think there’s a “cluelessness” about you that your wife has grown tired of. Just the fact that you talk about her satisfying you in other ways tells me just how out of touch with her that you are. When a woman is turned off by a man, she doesn’t want to touch him in any sexual way. You also talked about masturbating while she was in the bed. I hope you can see how completely out of touch these thoughts and actions are. As far as your kids are concerned, why do you want to teach them that life is fair - because it’s not. I’m not saying life sucks, I’m saying that teaching kids that it’s always going to be fair is doing them a disservice. I totally get the desire for maintaining the intact family but don’t hang on to that notion when it’s dysfunctional, when I’m certain your kids already see that dysfunction. They’re not nearly as fooled as you think they are. Why not, instead, teach your children that they have options, that they’re not stuck when they find themselves in an intolerable situation. Teach them not to pigeonhole themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 Don’t threaten her with divorce, but let her know that you are considering ending the marriage if things do not change.Sounds like one and the same thing to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 (edited) Start treating your wife like she’s a roommate. Stop telling her you love her.What good do either of those things do? Punish her? I don't wish to punish her. Alienate her? I don't want to alienate her, I want to draw her closer. A theoretical conversation: WIFE: I love you. ME: Yeah, okay. Thanks. Or: WIFE: I love you. ME: I am really fond of you too. Or: WIFE: I love you. ME: Uh-huh. Let's get real here. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rotaglia Posted March 30, 2019 Author Share Posted March 30, 2019 I do think there’s a “cluelessness” about you that your wife has grown tired of. Just the fact that you talk about her satisfying you in other ways tells me just how out of touch with her that you are. When a woman is turned off by a man, she doesn’t want to touch him in any sexual way. You also talked about masturbating while she was in the bed. I hope you can see how completely out of touch these thoughts and actions are. I stopped doing things like that a while ago. I was attempting to survive sexually somehow, to establish that my sexuality could still exist in our bed as we work through the difficulties, to cope with my misery. But ultimately it just made me sadder and more frustrated, so I stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 30, 2019 Share Posted March 30, 2019 Sounds like one and the same thing to me. No, it’s not. You are not saying that you have an appointment with a lawyer or planning to file. You are not telling her that she needs to change her ways, or else... She needs to know where you are at. If you are thinking that you can not continue with the status quo, she needs to know that. Then, she can make a decision about whether she wants to reinvest or not. The two of you don’t talk, about anything that really matters. We have how many pages here of you hypothesizing and assuming what your wife is feeling, but the truth is - you don’t actually know because you don’t actually talk. I realize, she shuts down your attempts... but, the fact that she does this everytime you attempt to communicate with her tells me that you are having problems communicating effectively with each other. Your wife needs to know how you are feeling. And you, need to know how she is feeling. To have good communication, you both must be willing to make yourselves vulnerable and you must be willing to listen. Two things neither of you seem particularly willing to do... Link to post Share on other sites
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